TWELVE 86

If someone were to ask me which moment in the past I would return to, I would speak of that year without hesitation.

∞ ∞ ∞

My great-aunt passed away.

I was conflicted; I wasn’t sure if I should feel relieved that her long struggle with illness—which had brought her nothing but pain—was finally over, or if I should just be selfishly sad. I forced myself to hold it back, feeling that if I started crying once, I might never be able to stop.

Before long, I realized I didn’t even have the luxury of grieving to my heart’s content. It was because I was the only person left to lead the funeral. Without even knowing the proper way to act as the chief mourner, I put on the traditional mourning clothes.

As expected, the funeral hall was desolate. To raise me, Grandma had done nothing but work during every waking hour, leaving her no time to meet other people.

Even so, a few elderly people who said they were colleagues who worked alongside Grandma did come to visit. I was grateful to them for briefly warming the funeral hall, which otherwise would have been nothing but lonely.

Because of that, I suffered more from guilt than from a sense of loss. It felt as though I had made Grandma’s life lonely and weary.

If she hadn’t taken me in, Grandma wouldn’t have suffered so much, and she might not have left this world alone after being so sick…

“Do you know how hard your grandmother worked just to feed and house you? So, you have to live strong. Understand?”

A person who said she was Grandma’s friend spoke while holding my hand. I could say nothing, keeping my head bowed like a criminal.

My throat was heavily blocked because I lacked the confidence to live strongly, because I couldn’t dare to tell a lie, and because I was terrified of the days I would have to live through without Grandma.

The first day of the funeral felt as long as several years. Late at night, when there were no more visiting footsteps, I lay down, trying to beckon sleep that would not come.

Then, I sat up at the sound of a presence. Unless it was morning, it was strange because there was no one who would bother to come offer condolences at this hour of the early morning.

“…Aunt?”

As soon as I saw the middle-aged woman, that word popped out of my mouth. It was a reflex. After I called out, I had to check if that person was really my aunt.

“Seungkyung. It’s been a long time. Have you been well?”

Tall stature and refined features. I could feel the passage of time more than in the image in my memory, but it was definitely my aunt.

As she said, it had been a long time.

After my parents died suddenly, I drifted between relatives’ houses for several months. Among them, the place where I stayed the longest was my aunt’s house.

At first, I felt more comfortable in that house than elsewhere simply because my aunt resembled my mother. However, I realized within a few days that even if appearances are similar, the inside cannot be the same.

My aunt and her husband had taken me in because they wanted to inherit the legacy my parents left behind. However, the only property my parents had left was the monthly rent deposit for a single-room apartment.

To my aunt and her husband, who found this out, I was instantly demoted to a burdensome piece of luggage that was difficult to handle. Afterward, I went through two other distant relatives’ houses before coming to live with Grandma.

Anyway, I never dreamed that my aunt and her husband would visit, even if no one else did, so I was quite surprised. It was ridiculous, but I was also glad. Was it because I could see the face of my mother—which had become so faint I could no longer recall it—through my aunt?

“What happened? You must have been shocked. Are you okay?”

My aunt patted my back, and only then did I discover the two men standing behind her. One was my uncle, and one was Juseok brother.

While I was staying at my aunt’s, I rarely saw Juseok brother because he attended private academies until late. Based on what I felt during our occasional encounters, he didn’t seem like a model student despite living at the academies every day.

Furthermore, beyond being uninterested in me, he treated me completely like an invisible person, so there were no instances where we spoke to each other.

“Hello. Uncle… brother.”

“Yeah, Woo Seungkyung. Been good? No, I bet you’ve been living a damn hard life.”

My uncle was blunt just as he was in the past, but Juseok brother had changed completely. His tone and expression were as if he were welcoming me.

“You’re all grown up, though. Acting as chief mourner alone. How old were you?”

“Twenty.”

“Ah, you’re twenty now?”

His attitude was so warm that I had to worry if my memory was distorted and if I had actually been close with Juseok brother.

“Uh, yeah… Brother, have you been well?”

“Can’t you tell just by looking? Haven’t I become damn handsome?”

He had a reasonably decent appearance, but it wasn’t at a “damn” handsome level. My standards were high because my eyes were accustomed to Gi Seoin. Anyway, I just nodded. Juseok brother seemed very satisfied.

“You’ve become a bit of a human too? When you were a kid, you were so scruffy you looked like a loser. Wow, but what’s your height?”

“About 180…”

“Damn. Don’t grow any more. Is it right for a younger brother to be taller than the older brother?”

It already seemed like I was taller than him, but I just said okay. Things like height didn’t matter. I was so envious of him, who had parents and seemed to have no worries about debt even if he was shorter than me. I had never felt that way while looking at others, but perhaps because we were family, such thoughts came to mind for no reason.

My aunt, uncle, and Juseok brother offered incense and flowers and then sat at a table. They said they were fine without a meal, so I brought them sikhye instead.

“Please stay as long as you like. Thank you for coming.”

“Seungkyung. You sit down for a moment too. It’s been a long time, let’s talk a bit.”

For a second, a surge of resentment rose up—the thought of why they hadn’t visited once before it became “a long time,” while Grandma was still alive. However, I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud and sat across from my aunt and uncle. Juseok brother was in the seat next to me.

“Did you prepare the whole funeral by yourself?”

“Yes.”

“You should have called us.”

It was an empty remark. I couldn’t think of anything to say back, so I just wore an awkward smile.

“Who would have known Aunt would go so soon. Truly… the heavens are indifferent. You must have suffered a lot, Seungkyung.”

“No, I’m… fine.”

“Fine? Your face doesn’t look good. Have you been eating properly?”

I didn’t remember the last time I had swallowed a meal, but I nodded vaguely.

My aunt began to speak with a strange expression, as if she might cry or might not.

“Actually, was it three years ago? How old are you now?”

“Twenty.”

“Right. Then it was when you were a freshman in high school. Aunt called me then.”

“Grandma did?”

It was the first I had heard of it. I thought Grandma had lived her whole life completely cut off from the relatives.

“Yeah. She said she was diagnosed with cancer… She worried about you a lot.”

“Ah…”

“She asked if we could look after you if she got worse. But our situation wasn’t favorable either, so we really couldn’t help it. You’re all grown up now, Seungkyung, so you understand, right?”

“Yes…”

What would it have been like if it were Grandma, or if it were me? We would have granted the request even if it meant saving on the rice we were to eat today. Because of that, I couldn’t sincerely understand my aunt.

Still, since everyone lives with their own circumstances, I didn’t intend to blame her. It was also something Grandma said every day.

‘Everyone lives carrying their own sorrows. Don’t think about resenting others; you just have to live your own life properly.’

Something hot kept surging up inside me. It was hard to face my aunt’s family any longer, and I wanted them to leave. However, my aunt continued speaking.

“But back then, I really regretted that. After hearing the news of Aunt’s passing, I felt like I had done so wrong, so I came today.”

“…Yes.”

“So, having said that, Seungkyung. If it’s okay with you, I was thinking, how about you come and live at our house?”

“What?”

Was she speaking sincerely? The person who had cast me out even when my parents died, now she’s saying she’ll take me in and live with me?

“That is…”

As I started to speak, my aunt suddenly grabbed my hand.

“We’re family. I think of my sister a lot too… I feel like I would be so sorry to both my sister and Aunt if I left you alone again.”

“…”

“Hmm? Seungkyung.”

“I think I’ll have to think about it.”

I barely managed to pull my hand from hers.

“I’m sorry. I’m out of it too…”

“No, I understand. It’s fine to think slowly. But, there’s something I want to check before we live together.”

“What is it?”

“Aunt, didn’t she have insurance?”

“Pardon?”

“Cancer insurance or death insurance.”

There was no way there was such a thing.

If Grandma had taken out insurance, I wouldn’t be under a mountain of debt right now. There was no way Grandma would have kept that fact from me.

“No, it’s nothing else.”

My aunt smiled. It was a forced pulling up of the corners of her mouth that wouldn’t naturally rise.

“I was going to help you if it was difficult for you to file the insurance claim alone. Your uncle works at a law firm. He knows a lot about those things. Insurance money, that must be a pretty large sum, and I’m worried that if you do it alone, something might go wrong.”

“There is no insurance.”

“…There isn’t? Then what about Aunt’s hospital bills? How did you handle them until now?”

“I worked, since high school… For what was still lacking, I took out loans.”

The corners of my aunt’s mouth slowly descended and then closed into a perfectly straight line.

“Ah, is that so?”

My aunt shot a glance at my uncle once, then looked back at me and put on a forced smile.

“Aunt didn’t have any saved money either?”

“Not as far as I know.”

“Well, she lived a difficult life forever.”

Tsk, it seemed as though my aunt quietly clicked her tongue as well.

My aunt took her eyes off me for the first time, grabbed my uncle’s arm, and said:

“Oh dear. I have to go now because I have to work tomorrow. Seungkyung, then…”

She grabbed my hand again and patted the back of it.

“Don’t make a choice that is a burden, and just do as you find comfortable.”

If there was no money to receive, then don’t think about crawling into her house—that was it. It was the exact same situation as in the past. That’s just the kind of people they are. There was no need to even get angry.

“Yes, I’ll do that. Thank you for coming today.”

I had a gut feeling that I would never see them again after today. However…

“Woo Seungkyung. Your expression today is even shittier than yesterday?”

The next day, Juseok brother came to the funeral hall alone. Wearing mourning clothes.