TWELVE 41

After washing up cleanly, I was once again carried out of the bathtub in Gi Seoin’s arms, and I even had a bathrobe draped over me. Once I sat in the wheelchair, I felt all the strength draining out through my fingertips and toes. It felt less like I had taken a shower and more like I’d been in a fight.

I was exhausted to the bone, but I couldn’t sleep just wearing a robe, so I had to get dressed.

“Are my clothes… in the dressing room too?”

Instead of answering, Gi Seoin pushed the wheelchair I was sitting in toward the dressing room. Even before we reached it, I recalled the note left by the person named Cha Minyoung.

As expected, the moment we stepped inside, my gaze flew to the spot where the shopping bag had been, regardless of my will.

The shopping bag was gone.

Then again, Gi Seoin had a tidy personality, so there was no way he would have left it there. I felt a senseless bit of resentment toward him for why, of all days, he hadn’t cleaned it up immediately that day.

At any rate, there was no way to know now whether he was keeping that shopping bag somewhere out of sight or if he had thrown it away.

Since I had already shown him everything there was to see—the good and the bad—while showering, I didn’t feel hesitant about something like changing clothes. Gi Seoin dressed me tenderly, just as he had when he washed me. The pajamas he had bought were as light and soft as if I weren’t wearing anything at all.

Only after he had fully taken care of me did Gi Seoin take a shower. I aimlessly looked around the living room once more, even though I had already seen it. It was to block my gaze and thoughts from constantly drifting toward the dressing room. It didn’t seem to help much, as my mood steadily headed downhill.

I know. No matter who Gi Seoin dates, or even if he has multiple romantic partners, it is none of my business. It was unjust for me to feel emotions like disappointment or a sense of betrayal.

Sleep was the best thing for avoidance. I supported myself with one foot on the floor, stood up, and laid my body down on the sofa. I could just close my eyes for a bit and then ask Gi Seoin where I should sleep when he came out. There were several rooms in Gi Seoin’s house, and if my memory served me right, there should be one empty room. I could just ask him to lay out a blanket there.

“Seungkyung-ah.”

I was startled by Gi Seoin’s voice ringing near my head when he should have been in the middle of washing. Only after shaking off the grogginess did I realize I had drifted off to sleep.

“Ah, I fell asleep for a second.”

“You should sleep in the bed.”

“Is there another bed?”

“No, the one in the bedroom is it.”

“Oh, I thought… You should sleep in the bedroom. There’s an empty room, right? Can you just lay out a blanket there for me?”

At that, Gi Seoin twisted the corner of his mouth crookedly, as if something displeased him.

“Sleep in the bed. I’ll sleep in the spare room.”

“Hey, the owner of the house shouldn’t sleep in a place like that.”

Since I was already being enough of a nuisance, I didn’t want to make Gi Seoin any more uncomfortable.

“Then I’ll sleep on the sofa. This is as comfortable as a bed. Is it because it’s an expensive sofa?”

“Do I look like the kind of bad guy who would make a patient sleep on the sofa?”

“Of course not!”

“Then sleep in the bed.”

By this point, it was certain. Gi Seoin didn’t have a shred of intention to let me sleep in the spare room or on the sofa. Besides, once he started being stubborn, I usually couldn’t beat him.

What should I do. Even so, it was far too shameless to kick out the homeowner and take over the bed. I have a conscience…

“Ah.”

While following that train of thought, I recalled the fact that Gi Seoin’s bed was large enough for three people to lie in with room to spare.

“Then you sleep in the bed too.”

At my words, Gi Seoin lifted an eyebrow slightly.

“Me too? Together?”

“Yeah. How about it? Your bed is as wide as a room in my house.”

Gi Seoin stared at me for a moment as if gauging my reaction before answering.

“Okay. Let’s do that.”

It’s something to be surprised about all over again, but I was now used to sleeping in the same space as Gi Seoin. Gi Seoin had no sleeping habits and tended to sleep quietly, so there was nothing uncomfortable about it. The problem was the worry that he might lose sleep because of me.

Gi Seoin said:

“Go lie down first.”

“What about you?”

“There’s something I need to look over before going to work tomorrow. I’ll sleep after I see to it.”

That was welcome news. Although I had received a promise that he would return to work, I was inwardly worried because he was the type of guy who would say, ‘Ta-da! Actually, I extended my leave to nurse you,’ when the time actually came.

As I pushed myself up, Gi Seoin brought the wheelchair in front of me. I told him:

“I’ll just walk. I need to walk so my muscles are maintained.”

“Okay.”

I thought he would start nagged as a default option, saying I should rest first, but for once, Gi Seoin readily agreed. Since walking alone was still dangerous, I headed to the bedroom supported by Gi Seoin.

After calmly helping me lie down, Gi Seoin covered me with the blanket up to my shoulders and said:

“Get some sleep.”

“Yeah. You don’t work too late either; go to sleep soon.”

“Should I turn off the light?”

Only a stand light was glowing softly in the bedroom. I shook my head. Even though Gi Seoin was outside, I was afraid I would have a panic attack if I had to endure being alone in an unfamiliar space in the darkness.

“Call me if anything happens. If it’s hard to call out, give me a phone call. You remember the speed dial, right?”

It wasn’t like he was putting an infant to sleep alone, yet concern was etched on his face. I gave that guy a grin and held up a thumb.

“Number 0.”

Gi Seoin seemed to watch over me a bit longer even then, before finally leaving the room.

As soon as he disappeared from my sight, I closed my eyes. I was tired, but I also intended to fall asleep quickly to escape the thoughts that ambushed me every night.

However, the anguish that had now become an incurable disease was not about to leave me alone.

The day I was carried to Gi Seoin’s house on his back while completely wasted loomed in my mind. The gift and the letter that had been in the dressing room. The image of Gi Seoin visiting Benwood with different women every time stabbed at my temples.

Did Gi Seoin share love with all those people?

How many of them had been to Gi Seoin’s house?

Did they lie in this bed too?

Together?

I had tried to keep my distance so as not to lose Gi Seoin, and I had even tried to break off my tie with Gi Seoin for good so as not to deny our eighteen years. During that time, across my consciousness and subconscious, I had denied and turned away countless times, but now I admit it. The feelings I held for him were more than those for a friend.

I felt jealousy toward those women. The sense of betrayal I felt toward Gi Seoin was just another form of jealousy.

I think the feelings Gi Seoin harbors for me are also not what one would have for a typical friend. That must be why we repeated those strange conflicts.

Gi Seoin willingly acts as my guardian and takes care of my meals every day. He said he would pay off my debt and even asked me to live together.

However, he has never confessed.

It’s funny, a confession.

Was that something I wanted?

What does Gi Seoin think of me? Until now, I believed that ignorance was bliss, but now I’ve started to want to confirm it. Has Gi Seoin ever imagined a future where we become lovers?

I… have.

Even knowing that in the end we could only remain as friends, I had dared to do so.

The first time I had such a thought was when I had just entered middle school. We had enrolled in different middle schools and were excited in many ways, so we promised to meet wearing our school uniforms on the weekend after the entrance ceremony.

That day, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when I saw Gi Seoin dressed in his uniform.

‘Whoa. Seoin-ah, you look like some kind of prince.’

‘Really…?’

Gi Seoin looked like a young nobleman out of a movie. Even now, his features are distinct and have an exotic feel, but when he was young, he was often mistaken for being biracial.

The middle school uniform he wore had a design famous for being pretty. Since the doll-like Gi Seoin was draped in such a uniform, it couldn’t help but be dazzling. He literally shone. At that time, I experienced the emotion called fluttering excitement for the first time in my life.

My heart thudded every time I made eye contact with Gi Seoin. I kept looking more closely at Gi Seoin’s face, and I started wanting to hold his hand as it peeked out from his clean sleeve. That day, I especially talked to him a lot. Even about useless things.

‘You’re so pretty, Seoin-ah. I must like you so much.’

I even imagined dating Gi Seoin. Since I was only fourteen, it was just a childish imagination of walking around holding hands and kissing. To take issue with being the same gender, the middle-school me was still far removed from reality.

‘You know. A kid in my class named Kang Hyunsoo said he’s already had a girlfriend. What about you, Seoin? Do you have a girlfriend?’

‘…I don’t. Why?’

‘Just because. I thought you would.’

After I matured a bit more, I imagined us as a couple while being aware of the fact that we were the same sex. Even if it was taboo, I knew that a man and a man could date. I thought that if it was Gi Seoin, it wouldn’t matter even if he was a man. Because the time spent with him, who was prettier than anyone, flowed faster than any other time.

‘Seoin-ah.’

Eventually, from the time I got older, I consciously tried not to see Gi Seoin as a romantic interest. It was after I realized that such thoughts could be harmful to Gi Seoin. Since I believed until then that Gi Seoin regarded me as a ‘really good friend,’ I even felt a strange guilt for having such imaginations about him.

‘You’re a really good friend.’

That’s why I consciously spat out those words.

Fortunately, I had a talent for forgetting and rationalization. I dismissed the feelings or thoughts I held for Gi Seoin as a delusion caused by failing to distinguish between friendship and love.

‘Wow, Gi Seoin! I knew you’d make it! You’re a prestigious university student now?’

The year I turned twenty, when Gi Seoin entered university and I was busy paying off my grandmother’s hospital bills.

‘Gi Seoin, you know what? You’re the most perfect person I know.’

After realizing the reality that Gi Seoin and I were walking on completely separate paths, I decided to forget all the fluttering excitement that had knocked on my heart. Dominated by the thought that I couldn’t be with him, I even broke the bridge connecting the paths we stood on myself.

‘I find you burdensome now.’

But now again, I am standing in front of the bridge I had broken.

‘It’s because I want to live, too.’

I also have the thought that it might be easier to give up if I just knew.

If Gi Seoin told me something like, ‘You’re just a friend,’ or ‘I like you, but I don’t think we can realistically be lovers’… even if I’m hurt, I think I could finally give up without forgetting, avoiding, or deluding myself anymore.