TWELVE 62

“Won’t you stop crying and play with me?”

Woo Seungkyung pulled my hand before I could even answer. Since I was accustomed to resignation and submission, I was flustered but unable to refuse. Inwardly, the hand I held was so warm that I didn’t want to pull away.

“Let’s ride the swings.”

I sat on a swing side by side with that boy I was meeting for the first time. Having never ridden a swing in my ten years of life, I glanced at him, gripped the ropes, and kicked my feet passively. My swing swayed in a boring fashion just as much as my effort, while Woo Seungkyung’s swing cut through the sky boldly.

“How is it? Fun, right?”

“…”

“Are you not sad anymore?”

“…”

Even if my voice had come out, I likely wouldn’t have been able to answer that question.

“Hmm.”

Woo Seungkyung stared at me intently, making a groaning sound, and then spoke.

“You’re a person of very few words, aren’t you?”

“…”

“My grandmother said so. An empty cart makes the most noise. It means people who talk a lot aren’t great. Then, conversely, a person of few words must be a good person, right?”

“…”

“So, you’re a good person.”

I was simply amazed by the thought process of this boy who so readily affirmed me as a “good person.” At that time, I couldn’t even process those words as a compliment.

“But you, you’re really pretty.”

I had heard that often, so I knew it was a compliment. To be honest, it was cliché, so I wasn’t happy.

“You’re the prettiest kid I’ve ever seen.”

I thought that was a lie. To my eyes, I was a child like a crushed lump of dust; rather, Woo Seungkyung was closer to being a pretty child. As proof, I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off him from the moment we first met.

It felt as though the sun, which had always been so natural I never spared it a glance, was flashing exceptionally today as if telling me to look at him. Woo Seungkyung was that dazzling. His vivid eyes, his kind lips, his cheerful movements… every facet of him captivated me.

“Can’t you at least tell me your name?”

“…”

“I’m not saying you have to tell me right now, it’s okay if you tell me later after we become close.”

“…”

“Then let’s be friends first!”

Woo Seungkyung, having swung high, jumped into the air. I jumped up, startled.

Defying my worries, he flew through the air as if gliding and landed on the ground. Then, he gallantly picked up the stack of papers he had placed next to the swing.

“I can’t play long today. I have to hand all of these out.”

“…”

“Want one? There’s a coupon here too.”

Woo Seungkyung seemed to have misunderstood my glancing at the stack of papers as wanting one. I accepted the paper he held out.

[GRAND OPENING! Our Village Chicken Order now for a 2,000 won discount! *Please present coupon when ordering]

“Do you like chicken?”

“…”

“I like it, but I can’t eat it often. But if I hand out all these fliers, I get paid and I get to eat chicken. Isn’t that the best?”

“…”

“I really have to go now.”

I couldn’t tell how he gauged the time, given he didn’t have a watch, let alone a cell phone.

“Want to meet here again tomorrow? After school.”

I should have said ‘I can’t,’ but my voice wouldn’t come out, and besides, I didn’t want to refuse. A desire to meet Woo Seungkyung again swirled inside my chest. Even before we parted, I already felt the lingering regret.

“If you feel like it, come! I have to come this way to hand out fliers anyway.”

“…”

“Then, bye!”

Even after saying goodbye, Woo Seungkyung looked back at me several times. I stood in the same spot and watched his retreating back. I wanted to scream for him not to go. I wanted to cling to him and ask him to stay with me longer. I wanted to ask what being friends was like. I also wanted to tell him that he was much prettier than me.

Once Woo Seungkyung disappeared, I was alone again.

He had probably just shown a passing kindness to a crying child, but I suffered from a sense of disappointment as if I had lost everything in an instant.

The next day, I naturally went to that playground.

The process wasn’t smooth. I had to evade the eyes of the driver waiting for me in front of the main gate after school, and afterward, I had to tremble imagining the corporal punishment I would receive when I returned home. However, nothing could stop my footsteps.

From the moment we first met until the moment I fell asleep, and all through the way to meet him after waking up in the morning, I craved Woo Seungkyung like a wanderer searching for a place to rest.

Even after that, my yearning for Woo Seungkyung did not cool. It only became more fierce. Even if I felt like I would be completely consumed by those flames, I couldn’t let go.

If he had known I was this kind of bastard, Woo Seungkyung wouldn’t have shown me kindness that day. How fortunate it is that humans cannot see even an inch ahead. Just like this, I was a mean and petty guy.

I know. That Woo Seungkyung and I do not match. That a shadow like me is obscuring him, who only sparkles fully when receiving light.

But… it couldn’t be helped. How could I stop this heart that was dying to give itself to Woo Seungkyung, even if I was like this?

I swear, if a way existed, I would have gladly given up this heart for him.

But even now, I haven’t found a way.

That was the tragedy of me and Woo Seungkyung.

∞ ∞ ∞

Whoosh, with the sound of wind, a golf club struck my lower back. I fell flat on the floor and took the ensuing blows. My lips, which I bit to endure the pain, burst open. Blood flowed down my chin. This was only the beginning.

“I won’t listen to excuses. There’s no need to listen.”

Whoosh, the golf club cut through the air once more. The head pressed down into my abdomen. A pain as if my internal organs were being crushed spread through me.

“There’s no business as ridiculous as asking a lacking bastard to explain why he’s lacking. Isn’t that right?”

Yes, rather than making long-winded excuses, it was more comfortable to just be hit. Since violence occurred routinely throughout my life, it wasn’t a big deal.

In any case, even if my father hit me as if to kill me, he couldn’t actually kill me. If he had truly intended to kill me, he was a human who would have done so long ago.

I was going to achieve what I wanted by being beaten. At sixteen, I endured while thinking only of that.

I wanted to go to the same school as Woo Seungkyung.

My parents wanted me to go to a special-purpose high school.

However, from the day I entered middle school—specifically, from the day I realized I had to attend a different school from Woo Seungkyung for another three years—I had no intention of following my parents’ wishes.

To do that, I had to lower my scores even if it meant getting known questions wrong. Since I couldn’t stubbornly insist to my parents that I would go to a different school, I chose the method of creating grades that wouldn’t allow me to go to a special-purpose school.

The price for that was violence, insult, and neglect. Whether I met my parents’ expectations or disappointed them, it was something I had to endure anyway, only the degree differed.

I just had to be patient and wait. I am a dead person, I repeated that to myself while holding my breath…

“Gi Seoin, why are you here?”

When I stood facing Woo Seungkyung at the high school entrance ceremony, I could finally breathe again.

“I changed schools.”

“Huh? Suddenly, why?”

“Woo Seungkyung, I wanted to go to the same school as you.”

“Wow, really?”

Because Woo Seungkyung was happy for me, only then could I smile to my heart’s content. Inwardly, I had been afraid that he might show signs of displeasure upon encountering me at the entrance ceremony. Even though I knew he was a kid who couldn’t show his dislike even if he felt it, I was on pins and needles.

It was entirely my problem. Because I was an unstable human who could only fall asleep after confirming every single time whether Woo Seungkyung welcomed me or not.

Since I was able to see Woo Seungkyung at school every day, the time I spent longing for him decreased. Foolishly, I was under the illusion that this would make me a more stable person, and that I would thus move closer to becoming a person worthy of him.

“Woo Seungkyung! Choi Siah says she likes you?”

But I only became uglier and uglier.

“Seoin. I got a confession letter today? Want to see?”

It was the day Woo Seungkyung, with reddened earlobes, held out a pink piece of stationery to me. I couldn’t look straight at him, who was smiling because of someone other than me. He said with his whole body that he was happy, but I couldn’t bless that happiness that I couldn’t share.

Only then did I realize, so clearly I couldn’t deny it, what kind of feelings I harbored for Woo Seungkyung.

I was hoping that as much as I wanted Woo Seungkyung, he would want me too. And every time he smiled at me, I thought that maybe, just maybe, it could really be so.

When I faced the reality that it wasn’t, my world that he had brought back to life crumbled away again.

‘Won’t you stop crying and play with me?’

If you were going to do that, you shouldn’t have reached out to me from the start. You shouldn’t have pulled me out of that loneliness, and you shouldn’t have let me know your warmth.

From that day on, I remained shut in my room and was ill for several days.

The regret that I shouldn’t have held Woo Seungkyung’s hand, the despair that he could never love someone like me, the anxiety that he would eventually throw me away and leave, the fear of the days I would have to live without him…

I was at the point where it was better to just die.

Woo Seungkyung is not at fault.

It was all my fault. If only I were a less dismal human… If only I were a dazzling person like Choi Siah who handed him the letter, or like him who smiles at me, he might have liked me more.

But such a thing would not happen. Because I was a defective product even my parents clicked their tongues at, a failure, and a hopelessly lacking bastard.

It was more hopeful to just wait for the next life.

So I decided to die.

Hoping that in the next life, I would be born as sunlight that doesn’t obscure Woo Seungkyung but only adds to his sparkle…

However,

“Gi Seoin? Are you here?”

…Once more,

“What are you doing there? Can I turn on the light?”

Woo Seungkyung came to save me.

“Hey, you…!”

“Seungkyung.”

“What’s wrong with you!”

“Seungkyung.”

“Pull yourself together! Seoin, Gi Seoin…!”

The moment I heard the voice calling me, the moment I felt the touch softly cupping my cheek, my body temperature, which had been cooling, boiled over again.

“Don’t call anyone.”

“You’re hurt. I have to call, let’s call someone.”

“It’s okay.”

“You’re bleeding!”

“I said it’s okay!”

“How is this okay…!”

“I’m really okay.”

Woo Seungkyung looked like he didn’t believe me, but I really was okay. I was confident that I wouldn’t die even if all the blood in my body drained out right now.

“Because you came.”

“…”

“Woo Seungkyung is here. You came to see me. So it’s okay…”

Therefore, I gladly gave up on reincarnating as sunlight and decided to remain by his side, even as a shadow. If only Woo Seungkyung would allow it.

“Seungkyung, tell me…”

“…”

“You won’t throw me away, right?”

If only you don’t throw me away, I will truly do my best to give myself to you. Even if I can’t become a person like you, I’ll try to become the person you want.

I’ll let you use all of me. I wasn’t born for my parents; I was born to be the blade that vows devotion to you.

—The determination that I hadn’t been able to fully confess was still the driving force that kept me breathing.