TWELVE 32

“How… did you get here?”

Right now, no appropriate greeting or question existed. My question felt like hypocrisy. A sense of self-loathing pierced through my chest.

How must Gi Seoin feel? I was curious, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know. Yet my mind, out of habit, made me scan his expression.

“Woo Seungkyung.”

Gi Seoin was chillingly expressionless.

“Why were you there?”

It took a moment to interpret the meaning of those words. “There” meant Benwood.

That was what Gi Seoin had been curious about all along. Why I was at Benwood.

Was he angry that I had lied, or was he flustered that his own secret had been discovered? It could be both, or it could be neither. Regardless, I didn’t have to tell lies anymore. That was the only fortunate thing.

“The place where I said I worked… was there.”

“Did you lie to me?”

In an instant, Gi Seoin’s voice became heated.

“Did you lie to me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought you wouldn’t like it.”

Bringing it out of my mouth to the person involved made it turn into a pathetic excuse. Regret surged that I should have been honest from the start. If I had, Gi Seoin wouldn’t have come to Benwood, and I would never have known the other side of his face for the rest of my life.

That would have been a fine ending. Isn’t there a saying that ignorance is bliss? I was hurting because I couldn’t take that medicine.

“Is that all?”

“What?”

“I’m asking if that’s the only reason you hid it from me.”

“I was going to tell you eventually… while working.”

Because at least I was honorable.

“Eventually?”

Unlike you, Gi Seoin.

“You shouldn’t have lied from the beginning.”

At that single sentence, the resentment that had begun to live parasitically in my chest since the day I spotted Gi Seoin walking with a woman on the street squirmed.

“Why?”

I glared at him.

“Is it okay for you, Gi Seoin, to deceive me, but I’m not allowed to deceive you?”

“What?”

Gi Seoin’s face contorted.

“Did you think I wouldn’t know anything after coming all the way here?”

“…”

Gi Seoin, who usually exerts his professional spirit to the fullest to try and win whenever he is at a disadvantage, remained silent at this moment.

“I’ve seen it since the day you said you couldn’t come because you had a family gathering.”

It was cruel proof that the sights I had seen were all reality.

“Even the day we ate together, you… came to the bar, with a woman.”

If Gi Seoin had at least made an excuse, would it have been less miserable than this?

“I saw everything.”

Then again, making an excuse is also laughable. It’s the same for me being angry. I’ve admitted to myself several times that I have no right to be angry at Gi Seoin for such things.

Even so, even then… I cannot shake off the sense of betrayal that makes me collapse. It has already burned me completely, and I cannot extinguish the anger spreading toward Gi Seoin.

“Seungkyung.”

“Let go!”

The moment the hand urgently grabbed me touched, I shook it off.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t interfere, either. I don’t think we need to do that anymore. You and I, let’s just live doing whatever we want. That’ll be more comfortable for you too.”

“It’s a misunderstanding.”

Gi Seoin muttered quickly.

“I’ll tell you everything, I’ll tell you, so…”

Impatience bled from his voice and expression.

“Just don’t.”

What exactly is so regrettable?

“We both lied once, and there’s nothing to misunderstand. It’s our private lives, so making long-winded excuses is even more ridiculous. Don’t you think? Who’s going to say anything? We’ve each just lived our own lives. Seoin.”

What am I to you?

I wanted to ask, but there wouldn’t be the answer I wanted, and it didn’t seem like any answer would be good to hear anyway.

“What happened today is because of me. I’m truly sorry. If something bad happens to you because of this…”

I wanted to look at Gi Seoin, but my head kept dropping heavily. The tip of my nose tingled.

“I will compensate you no matter what it takes. Of course, I won’t be able to return everything you’ve lost… but I’ll pay you back even if it takes my whole life.”

I meant it. If Gi Seoin resented me and told me to die, I could die. It’s a worthless life anyway. It’s not hard to throw away.

However, Gi Seoin is different. He was born on the opposite side of despair. If he crumbles because of me, I intend to fall into the mire in his place. That is only right.

“With this… it’s become certain.”

Today, watching Gi Seoin dirtying his hands while bending his knees—which he should never have had to bend—because of me, I gained a realization I will never forget.

“Gi Seoin, you become unhappy when you’re with me.”

“What does that…”

“I’m the one making you into a strange person.”

“No, Seungkyung.”

“Let’s stop before you get ruined any further.”

“Woo Seungkyung, you…”

“I’m serious, with a sane mind, I’ve thought about this a lot before saying it.”

I pushed Gi Seoin as he approached me once more. He didn’t even stagger, yet he wore an expression as if he had been deeply wounded. I’m confused. I avoided his gaze because I felt like I would start doubting even myself if I looked at him any longer.

“If you have something to say regarding today’s business, contact me. Otherwise, let’s not bother contacting each other.”

“Seungkyung!”

I passed by Gi Seoin.

“I…!”

Gi Seoin pulled me into an embrace.

“I…”

He couldn’t continue his sentence.

The body held in the embrace trembled slightly. I’m confused whether Gi Seoin is trembling or if I am.

I grabbed the hands wrapped around my waist and slowly pulled them away from me. Not knowing what kind of expression I might be making, I spoke while my back was turned to Gi Seoin.

“It’s really strange for us to be like this.”

Gi Seoin still didn’t say anything. His breathing, which I could barely hear, seemed exceptionally rough.

I didn’t want to feel anything originating from Gi Seoin. I headed straight for the house. My legs had lost their strength, so walking slowly was the best I could do. Gi Seoin could have easily caught me, but he didn’t. Since he’s much smarter than me, he must have understood. That we really don’t suit each other.

With this, how many times have I turned my back on Gi Seoin? I only hoped this would be the last. It was more than enough. We are just friends. Although it seems we aren’t even that anymore….

Beep—.

I thought it was a sound coming from the door lock I just touched and looked back at the front door, but it was a ringing in my ears that had spread.

The resentfully quiet neighborhood carried every single sound from outside all the way into the house. Since there was no sound of a car, Gi Seoin must still be outside. I tried desperately not to focus my attention outside the door.

But I couldn’t block out my thoughts.

Since when had Gi Seoin been here waiting for me…? Had he perhaps even entered while I wasn’t home? He wouldn’t be able to open the door now since he doesn’t know the password. Strangely, lately, I kept getting the feeling that someone had dropped by the house and left. The only person I could suspect was him.

But of course, that couldn’t be. Gi Seoin wasn’t the kind of person to do such a sordid thing.

It was probably a presence created by my loneliness. I suppose shaking me with panic wasn’t enough.

Reality harshly wore me down. I was as exhausted as I could be. It was the limit. Should I go to a psychiatric hospital sometime soon? I gave it serious thought. It felt like it might actually be easier if I went crazy.

I cried while showering, while covering myself with the blanket, and while looking up at the ceiling because I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t try to suppress the sadness. However, I muffled the sound so as not to be caught by Gi Seoin, who might be outside.

Is Gi Seoin really still outside?

I didn’t hear the sound of the car leaving.

Then again, it would have been drowned out by the sound of water while I was showering.

What will happen to Gi Seoin? Will he be punished? Will he resent me? Am I even in a position to worry about him?

“Seungkyung!”

Why did Gi Seoin hug me?

“I…!”

What was the thing he was trying to say, and,

“I…”

Why was he unable to finish his sentence, so unlike him?

“Let’s just stop, please…”

I tapped my throbbing head. I felt like I wanted someone to just knock me out.

“It’s really strange for us to be like this.”

It really is strange.

To think that giving up on Gi Seoin would be this sorrowful.

That thought made me cry again.

The phone that I hadn’t plugged into the charger had run out of battery. It was only after I finished charging it belatedly and saw the time appear on the brightly lit screen that I realized I had done nothing but sleep for two days straight.

I never expected it, but fortunately, no call came from Gi Seoin. In the missed call history, there was only the Benwood President, Yoon Kijun, and an unsaved number that was obviously a promotional call.

However, in the unread messages, I discovered a new name.

[Jang Cheolwoo: Seungkyung, are you doing well? Haha]

“I’m asking which friend you met.”

“…”

“Jang Cheolwoo?”

Before I can even feel glad about the contact from a friend I haven’t heard from in a long time, I resent my mind for thinking of Gi Seoin. I brushed my hair back and tapped the screen. The dial tone echoed in the silent room.

Is he not picking up…?

It was Saturday afternoon, but the Jang Cheolwoo I knew was a fellow who worked without weekends, so he might be busy. It was the moment I was about to hang up the call.

—Hey, Woo Seungkyung.

A welcome voice seeped into my ear. I adjusted my grip on the phone.

“Cheolwoo.”

—How long has it been?

As far as I remember, it has been a year since I met Jang Cheolwoo. Even so, we continued our conversation as if we had just met yesterday. It felt like small holes were being poked into the depression covering my windpipe.

I made a spontaneous appointment with Jang Cheolwoo and prepared to go out quite urgently. And the moment I was about to step out of the house, I thought again.

Gi Seoin, he must have left, right?

I was fed up with myself for expecting something I shouldn’t expect. It was at a point where I felt a certain sense of loathing.

Let’s pull it together. I lightly tapped my cheeks and pushed open the front door.

As expected….

Or perhaps, just as I feared.

Was it not an expectation but a premonition?

The moment our gazes intertwined through the glass, Gi Seoin got out of the car.