TWELVE 63

I remember it being summer, at dawn, when I was eighteen.

I was a light sleeper. Ever since I was young, I had to go to him immediately whenever my father called for me in his study, day or night, so it became a habit. Calling it a habit is a stretch; medically, the diagnosis was insomnia.

I also remember the time exactly. 2:38 AM.

When the phone rang with a call from Woo Seungkyung, I was so grateful for the nasty insomnia that had tormented me my whole life.

—Gi Se…

“Woo Seungkyung? Hello?”

—Seoin… What do I do? My grandmother… My grandmother… they say it’s cancer. They say she might die.

Woo Seungkyung couldn’t even speak properly because he was crying.

—I, you know she’s all I have. If my grandmother dies, I’m alone. There’s no one. But I, I can’t live alone. What do I do? Huh? Seoin… I’m so scared…

“Where are you? Are you at home?”

—I… can’t breathe well…

After that, only the sound of rough breathing could be heard.

I had no time to calculate the consequences. I left the house immediately. I don’t know how it became known that I had gone out, but before long, phone calls flooded in. The callers were my mother, my father, and the driver who always drove me around.

I turned off my cell phone, caught a taxi, and gave Woo Seungkyung’s home address. It was a moment when the effort of secretly digging through the student records and memorizing his information paid off.

“Seungkyung! Woo Seungkyung!”

Arriving there, I flung the front door open blindly. Luck was on my side as the door was not locked. It was a dizzying moment. Woo Seungkyung was literally gasping for breath.

After that day, I learned that he suffered from panic disorder. However, because the seizure cycles were irregular and the frequency was rare, he himself didn’t seem to think it was serious.

Woo Seungkyung teased me, calling me a “hypochondriac” and saying I was being excessive, but watching him, I couldn’t help but be that way.

He tried to take care of everyone in the world, yet he was indifferent to himself. Even if I were to be rebuked, it was difficult for me to just stand by and watch Woo Seungkyung neglect himself like that.

“Seungkyung. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m much better. It’s thanks to you, Seoin. Really… thank you so much.”

The next day, Woo Seungkyung said while holding my hand:

“If you hadn’t come, I really don’t know what might have happened to me. You saved me.”

At every single word of his, I felt euphoria.

At the same time, I loathed myself.

In that instant, a thought had occurred to me. That in order for me to become a person essential to Woo Seungkyung, he would have to continue being unhappy.

Intoxicated by a euphoria I had never felt in my life, I dared to make a presumptuous wish. It was a private wish that no one knew, yet I blamed myself poignantly.

Do you think Woo Seungkyung would like a person who thinks like this?

I had to become a person even more, more, more worthy of Woo Seungkyung.

It was around that time that I broke my resolve not to follow the path my parents wanted out of a measly sense of rebellion.

“Seoin. I’m… going to quit school.”

“…Why?”

“I have to earn money for my grandmother’s hospital bills, but doing that while attending school is a bit difficult. I can take the high school equivalency exam later, and the money is urgent right now…”

The reality that I couldn’t readily offer to pay those hospital bills mocked me. It ridiculed me, asking what I could actually do after swearing to devote everything to Woo Seungkyung.

I know. I was only eighteen. Even searching the whole country, it would be hard to find a high school student who could confidently boast about paying those hospital bills instead.

Knowing it doesn’t make it easy to accept. I even imagined stealing my parents’ card to pay the hospital bills. But if I committed such an act, the only one who would ultimately suffer damage was Woo Seungkyung.

At eighteen, I realized the truth that one cannot protect someone with greed alone, and I set my mind on becoming a lawyer.

The studying I had mastered through a lifetime of being beaten was laughably easy. When I thought of Woo Seungkyung, it even felt enjoyable.

“Wow, Gi Seoin! I knew you’d make it! You’re a prestigious university student now?”

Twenty years old. When I delivered the news of my acceptance, Woo Seungkyung rejoiced as if it were his own success, but I was still impatient.

University was only a process, not the goal itself. Even until yesterday, Woo Seungkyung performed grueling labor to pay off debts. I felt like I was going crazy because he was so precious to me. I hoped that even one day sooner, Woo Seungkyung would live a life that suited him. But I was so slow.

When time passed and I finally brought up the story of becoming a lawyer, Woo Seungkyung did not express joy with his whole body as he did when we were twenty.

“Gi Seoin, you know what?”

Instead, he commended me with the most beautiful look in his eyes I had ever seen.

“You are the most perfect person I know.”

As he said that, I glimpsed fatigue in his face while he adjusted the stiff collar of the new suit I wore, and I lamented that today should have come sooner.

On the day I received my first paycheck, I went to Woo Seungkyung first and spoke.

“Seungkyung. Don’t work anymore.”

“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”

“I’ll pay off your debts.”

“…”

“And, let’s live together.”

It was the moment I had always looked forward to. If only Woo Seungkyung would say yes, I was prepared to take on his debts or anything else.

I thought Woo Seungkyung would be happy.

“…Hey, Gi Seoin.”

But he, on the contrary, made an expression as if he were sad.

“Just save your money. Do you even know how much my debt is?”

“It’s enough to pay off your debt.”

“That’s what I’m saying—why would you pay off my debt? You don’t say things like that between friends.”

I was at a loss for words.

I could spout any number of reasons why I had to pay off Woo Seungkyung’s debt.

However, the word “friend” that came from his mouth blocked my throat.

I had never once thought of Woo Seungkyung as a friend.

‘Then let’s be friends first!’

The beginning might have been that, but “friend” was an excuse to stay by his side, not a word that represented my heart.

That caught up to me.

I was suddenly terrified that if I said I didn’t think of him as a friend, Woo Seungkyung would turn his back on me.

“Even between friends… you can pay off that much.”

I babbled as if making an excuse, and Woo Seungkyung shook his head.

“They say you shouldn’t talk about money between friends. At the drop of a hat, the friendship breaks, Seoin.”

With a face more serious than ever before, he placed a hand on my shoulder.

“I want to keep our friendship going, you know? So don’t do that.”

If I had the guts to tell him how we were supposed to continue a friendship that didn’t even exist in the first place, would we have been able to avoid going that long way around?

Cowardly as I was, I couldn’t deny the words “friend” or “friendship” that often came out of Woo Seungkyung’s mouth, but whenever I was about to forget, I would step forward saying I would pay off the debt. Every time, he refused, and I looked forward to the next time.

‘If you hadn’t come, I really don’t know what might have happened to me. You saved me.’

That day came to mind every time I made a promise.

I reflected on the hideous assumption I had dared to make that day.

If Woo Seungkyung became more unhappy than he is now, maybe he could accept me.

“Seungkyung, I wish I was the only one who could see you.”

If I were the only person for Woo Seungkyung, just as he is for me…

“So that no one can take you away.”

“Ha… Seoin, why do you keep saying strange things? Saying you want to be the only one who sees me…”

“That’s how I feel.”

“Please.”

“Is my heart strange?”

“Gi Seoin, seriously!”

The desire that had been eating away at me for a long time eventually urged me to reveal my hideous inner thoughts.

“I told you to stop…”

Woo Seungkyung muttered while grabbing and twisting my collar.

“Every time you’re like this, I’m scared…”

He cried.

Only then did I realize that the actions I had taken supposedly for Woo Seungkyung’s sake were wrong. I swore to be a blade only for him, but far from protecting him, I was inflicting wounds.

Then what on earth…

How is one supposed to love?

I thought it would be enough to become a person necessary to you and give you the things you need. I guaranteed you would be happy then. I was confident you would allow me to be by your side. I believed that love was something like that.

What exactly did I miss? Even if I agonized until my head throbbed, I couldn’t derive the correct answer. What did I do so wrong? Even when I retraced and retraced the past, the confusion did not fade. I regretted and blamed myself without even knowing the reason. Is my very existence the problem after all?

Paradoxically, while the boy I longed for had turned his back on me, my parents, who used to point fingers at me as a defective product, now liked me quite a bit.

“I heard there are so many people looking for lawyer Gi Seoin lately? Mrs. Kang said that since he’s a newcomer the fees are low, but his skills are as good as a veteran’s.”

“Don’t fill his head with nonsense, cut out the useless talk.”

“I’m telling you, those weren’t my words but Mrs. Kang’s? So, about that…”

Letting out a faint laugh, my mother tapped the table with her fingertip, tap. It was a gesture to focus on her.

“Mrs. Kang is a famous matchmaker, isn’t she? Regarding Seoin’s age… she asked how it would be if we put him on the marriage market now. I’m in favor. What’s your opinion?”

“Hmm.”

My father stroked his chin and then opened his mouth.

“He needs to get married to properly play his part as a person and lead the household.”

After finishing his words, he stared at me. Now it was my turn to open my mouth. The answers my parents wanted were “Yes” or “I will do so” or “I understand,” and that was it.

“That,”

I was sick of it.

“is something I will decide for myself.”

I felt instinctively that the time to bid farewell to these monsters was just around the corner.