TWELVE 42

I was swept away by a current of thoughts so intense I feared someone might hear them, but at the sound of someone approaching, I hurriedly closed my eyes. Soon, I felt Gi Seoin drawing near to my side.

“Seungkyung-ah, are you sleeping?”

“…”

I consciously exhaled regular breaths, hoping Gi Seoin wouldn’t notice I was pretending to sleep.

“You’re asleep.”

I thought I heard a small chuckle.

Then, a hand settled upon my cheek. He moved only his thumb, slowly stroking my cheek. Even without looking, I could picture Gi Seoin touching me.

Gi Seoin brushed down my hair as if combing it and fondled my chin and shoulder. His touch was incredibly warm. I felt as though I could fall asleep in an instant if he kept touching me like this.

After tenderly caressing me for a long while, Gi Seoin moved. I could tell he had lain down beside me.

The blanket covering me was pulled to the side, and Gi Seoin’s body heat reached me in an instant. It seemed he was lying on his side, looking at me. I could perceive his persistent gaze as if it had a physical form, even with my eyes closed.

The blanket rustled once more.

Gi Seoin pulled me into an embrace.

Wrapping his arm around my waist, Gi Seoin pressed himself against me without a single gap between us.

I feel like I’ll be caught. My heart is beating too fast.

It would have been nice if I could have pretended to turn over in my sleep and escape his arms, but because of my shoulder, I had no choice but to lie straight. I was trapped, forced to steady my breathing within his embrace.

“…Is it stifling.”

After staying like that for a while, Gi Seoin muttered and pulled his upper body slightly away from me. This was my chance. I rubbed my eyes as if waking up.

“…You’re here?”

“Yeah. Did I wake you up?”

“No…”

“Keep sleeping.”

Gi Seoin patted my back. I rubbed my eyes once more and looked at him.

“What time is it?”

“It’s probably a little past one.”

“Right…”

“By any chance…”

Gi Seoin stroked my back gently, just as he had at first.

“Is it uncomfortable? Should I move away?”

“No.”

The answer came out of me instantly, before I even realized it.

“…It’s okay.”

In truth, it wasn’t okay, but his warmth and touch felt so good that I didn’t want to be apart. Gi Seoin smiled faintly, as if my answer pleased him. My heartbeat grew even more violent. I couldn’t possibly fall asleep like this. Would it have been better to keep pretending to sleep?

“Should I turn off the desk lamp?”

Gi Seoin asked, and I nodded my head slightly. Because as long as he was clearly visible, I didn’t think I could sleep.

Click… With a small noise, the lamp went out.

Gi Seoin asked:

“Can I touch your hair?”

A hollow laugh escaped me.

“You’re already touching it.”

“It’s soft, so I keep wanting to touch it.”

“I thought your hair was softer.”

I reached out my hand and touched Gi Seoin’s bangs. As expected, they were silky. My chest felt ticklish.

Lying in one bed while fiddling with each other’s hair was quite a strange situation. It was odd, but I couldn’t stop. It didn’t feel embarrassing. Because the only light reflecting us had been turned off.

Perhaps it was because I couldn’t see anything that I no longer felt hesitant. I felt a constant impulse to spit out the question marks and exclamation points inside me. And I was not a person of great patience.

“Gi Seoin, you know.”

“…”

“Actually, I kept feeling like someone was in the house, and I thought it might be you.”

I wanted to hold onto my reason and follow my desire at the same time.

“Even after doing that to you, I think I actually wanted you to be at the house.”

“Why?”

“When you’re there, I feel relieved. You’ve been by my side every time I had a hard time. When my great-aunt was hospitalized, when she passed away, and even when I first hurt my shoulder. Continually for eighteen years…”

Spitting it out in words made my gratitude toward him grow deeper. How could I have tried to push Gi Seoin away? Instead of spending my whole life by his side and failing to repay the favor.

“I wouldn’t have been able to endure it without you. Actually, I’ve had panic attacks since I was young. They’ve gotten worse lately, though… I had them a few times even after I changed the house password.”

“Was that so? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s obvious you’d worry.”

I gave a small laugh.

“You’re a hypochondriac, limited strictly to me.”

I slightly lowered my hand that had been fiddling with Gi Seoin’s hair. My fingertips brushed against his smooth cheek. And his long neck.

“Even when I’m perfectly healthy, you’re always taking care of me, saying I lack vitamins or asking how my diet is, and you make a fuss if I say I’m even a little bit sick.”

Words tumbled out uncontrollably.

“But why do you do that?”

We were trapped in the darkness, and it was truly a situation where nothing could be seen.

“Why are you so good to me? Is it because we’re friends?”

I wanted to hear the answer.

Even if an answer I didn’t want came out, it was okay because the darkness would hide my expression.

And Gi Seoin answered.

“No.”

“Then…?”

“Because I want to treat you that way.”

“Then why? Do you act like that toward other people too?”

Did you act like that toward those women you walked with?

Gi Seoin gave the same answer as before.

“No.”

“…”

“The only person I want to be good to is you, Woo Seungkyung. Do you still not know that?”

“I…”

I withdrew my hand that had been touching Gi Seoin.

“How could I know.”

“By now, it’s about time you knew, given how much I’ve made it obvious.”

Unlike me, who had hidden even my hands for fear of my trembling being discovered, Gi Seoin was calm. His hand was still softly smoothing through my hair.

“Don’t bring that guy, Woo Seungkyung.”

“…”

“Woo Seungkyung, I only want to play with you.”

I wondered for a moment what he was talking about so suddenly, and then I realized those were words Gi Seoin had once said to me.

‘I came to this school because of you, not to play with other kids.’

Right, the Gi Seoin I knew had never been warm to anyone other than me.

“Woo Seungkyung, only stay with me. Only look at me. Don’t throw me away. Let’s live together… I whined every single day. So why do you still not know.”

“Even hearing it, I don’t know.”

For some reason, I felt like crying.

“You haven’t said the most important thing.”

“…What is the most important thing?”

The clever Gi Seoin makes me explain even at the most critical moment. The old me would have diverted the conversation appropriately or given a wrong answer, but it’s different now. I intend to hide in the darkness and reveal everything.

“Gi Seoin, you have to say what you think of me.”

“I…”

“In one word. Otherwise, I’m too stupid to understand.”

Gi Seoin, are you the same?

“In one word…”

I waited for the answer, and Gi Seoin did not allow me a long wait.

“Unrequited love.”

It was the answer I had both hoped for and wanted to avoid.

Now, I couldn’t even pretend not to be trembling.

“Gi Seoin… do you like me?”

“Yeah.”

Gi Seoin was calm, as if he had prepared for this moment for a long time.

“Since… when?”

“From the time you first told me your name.”

‘What’s your name? I’m Seungkyung, Woo Seungkyung.’

“…That makes no sense.”

I turned my head to look at him. Contrary to the illusion that I would see him only vaguely because no lights were on, his face came clearly into my vision. It was because of the moonlight streaming through the curtains I hadn’t closed.

“You mean from the very beginning.”

“Yeah.”

“What did you even know back then…”

“When I was crying…”

Gi Seoin used his finger to catch the tear that had gathered at the corner of my eye.

“You were the first person who didn’t pretend not to notice.”

It wasn’t even ‘You’re the first person who pushed me away.’

“What is that.”

“It’s true.”

On the day I encountered Gi Seoin for the first time in my life, he was indeed crying. Huddled under the shadow created by a high wall, very piteously and without a sound.

“It makes no sense that I was the first person to comfort a kid who was crying.”

“But it’s true.”

“I heard that because you were pretty, even passing adults used to think you were cute…”

“I never cried in front of passing adults.”

“Hey…”

“If I cried in front of others, I got hit when I went home.”

“What?”

I doubted my ears.

In an instant, I entered a space belonging to Gi Seoin that I had never visited.

“Hit you? Who?”

“My parents.”

Gi Seoin didn’t talk much about his family. I had simply assumed they were a harmonious household because they held family gatherings regularly. However, he told a story completely different from my expectations.

“Why… why did they hit you?”

“The reason they gave me was that I was ‘bringing shame to the family.’”

“Were you hit… a lot?”

“There were always bruises on the parts that could be covered by clothes. There were even times I fainted while being hit.”

“Then why didn’t anyone report it?”

Rage surged within me. Conversely, Gi Seoin remained nothing but calm.

“If you cite reasons like family issues or child education, most crimes become innocent. It’s even easier if the criminal possesses a lot.”

Both of Gi Seoin’s parents were lawyers and owned a prominent law firm.

“But it’s okay. The result isn’t bad. I became a lawyer thanks to doing what my parents told me so I wouldn’t be hit…”

“Seoin-ah.”

“And while crying, I even caught Woo Seungkyung’s interest.”

“That is not okay.”

I felt like I was being pulled into the hell Gi Seoin had to endure.

“What kind of parents hit their child until they faint?”

“There are such parents in the world, and even worse parents.”

“That doesn’t make it right!”

“Even if it’s unjust, if there’s no way to escape it, you have to accept it.”

“No. That’s not accepting it…”

Before I knew it, I was wiping away the tears that obscured my vision. And seeing Gi Seoin’s face, which was utterly at peace, I crumbled. For his sake as well.

“It’s resigning yourself.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay at all…”

“It’s really okay.”

Gi Seoin continued to wipe my wet eyes.

“I have you, Woo Seungkyung.”

Those words were exceptionally sad.

“Then everything is okay.”

“How is that… okay.”

And by the time my tears had subsided, Gi Seoin told me his story in a quiet tone, as if reading a fairy tale. It was the hidden shadow that I had failed to discover, having been deceived by his light.