TWELVE 28

On my day off, I received a call from Yoon Kijun asking to meet up. He shared the news that he had successfully signed with the agency that gave me the business card before, and that he was scheduled to audition for a supporting role in a movie by a famous director. It was something worth celebrating, so I readily came out to meet him.

[Seoin: Are you awake?]

When the vibration rang inside the bus, I thought it was Yoon Kijun, but it was Gi Seoin. It was a simple greeting, but I hesitated over the reply.

Lately, contact with Gi Seoin had been sparse. It was entirely because of me. He reached out every single day without fail, even if I didn’t respond.

[Seoin: Have you eaten?]

I was disappointed in Gi Seoin, who swapped women every week and visited Benwood late at night. I felt frustrated that I hadn’t realized his true colors over the course of 18 years. I fell into a sense of skepticism, wondering if our bond wasn’t strong enough to share these petty feelings and trivial secrets.

‘Seungkyung, tell me. You won’t abandon me, right?’

Just what on earth had Gi Seoin and I exchanged for 18 years?

‘Gi Seoin, what exactly do you want from me?’ ‘

I… want you to live with me.’

Seoin, what did the words you said actually mean?

‘Seungkyung, I wish I was the only one who could see you.’

Whether you were sincere or joking.

‘So that no one can take you away.’

Each and every word Gi Seoin pronounced became a stone that struck me down.

I had predicted that at some point, Gi Seoin would deviate from the orbit called “me” that he had been stubbornly traversing. I also guessed that we might eventually degenerate into nothing more than the dregs of memories for each other.

But it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

[Seoin: How is your shoulder?]

Now, I even doubted Gi Seoin’s kindness.

[Gi Seoin, who are you?]

Over the past few days, I had typed and then deleted questions that tore me apart in several directions into the message window.

—This stop is…

Since the place I had to get off was right in front of me, I hurriedly stood up and pressed the stop bell. It would be nice if I could leave these heavy thoughts behind on the bus. They clung to me without fail.

The cafe we agreed to meet at had partitions at every seat and was deserted, perhaps because it was a weekday afternoon. I quite liked the quiet atmosphere. However, Yoon Kijun was in a highly excited state, so he poured out words frantically as soon as he saw me.

“…It’s a certain role, but maybe because it’s been a while since I practiced, it’s difficult. I thought about contacting the director of the acting academy I used to attend, but the company said they’d provide a coach. I guess because it’s a big company, they’re thorough with things like that.”

Worried that Yoon Kijun, who was freely venting his excitement, might get brought down because of me, I did my best to react.

After doing nothing but talking for a while, Yoon Kijun stood up, saying he would order another cup of coffee. Before he even fully settled back into his chair upon returning, he opened his mouth.

“Seungkyung. I… told the owner that I’m only working at Benwood until this month.”

“Oh, really?”

If I had to pick the person I was closest to at Benwood, it was definitely Yoon Kijun. Though it was a short time, I had formed a deep bond of sympathy with him and grown quite attached. I was fairly disappointed that I could no longer work with him.

“It won’t be much fun without you.”

“Right?”

Yoon Kijun laughed playfully.

“I’m sad too. But we can just meet up often.”

“Even if you become a star and get busy, you have to keep meeting me.”

“Hey, that’s getting ahead of yourself, isn’t it? And even if I don’t for others, I’m definitely going to stay in touch with you. Aside from being grateful for landing the contract thanks to you, we have a lot in common. It’s not just me, right?”

“We have a lot in common, and you’ve even seen me wasted and out of it. We’re basically at the level where we’ve seen everything down to each other’s underwear.”

“Whoa, I didn’t expect you to admit to being wasted with your own mouth.”

Giggling, Yoon Kijun suddenly leaned forward and wore a serious expression. I wondered what kind of joke he was trying to play.

“But the person who came to pick you up then, it’s that person, right?”

“Who?”

“The one who comes to our bar with a different woman every time.”

“Ah…”

Right, that was the case.

As I heard from Yoon Kijun later, he didn’t know what to do with me since I was unconscious, so he blindly searched through my phone and called the name that appeared most in my call logs. That was Gi Seoin.

I was a bit flustered that he remembered Gi Seoin, considering he only saw him for a brief moment while handing over the “luggage” that was me.

Then again, it might be harder not to remember Gi Seoin.

“Yeah, it’s the same person. Why?”

“Didn’t you say you were close friends? But he didn’t seem to know you were working at Benwood, and something felt strange… Am I asking an awkward question? Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s nothing to be sorry about.”

It was worth being curious about. Since they were close enough for him to come pick up a drunken friend at a moment’s notice, it didn’t add up that he wouldn’t know where that friend worked. Furthermore, a handsome man who brings a different woman to a bar every week yet doesn’t touch a drop of alcohol—didn’t he possess all the conditions for an interesting subject?

At any other time, I would have glossed over it and changed the subject. But now was different. An impulse arose to vomit out the thoughts that had solidified and were blocking my insides. I also wanted to ask a third party. Why we… why Gi Seoin and I were like this.

“Well, it’s complicated to explain, but…”

I compressed and laid out the 18-year history of Gi Seoin and me as much as possible. While talking, for some reason, I felt like I was betraying Gi Seoin, and my chest throbbed.

“Haaa… Hmm.”

When I finished, Yoon Kijun scratched his head with a look of absurdity. He groaned several times before opening his lips.

“That person doesn’t seem normal.”

“A little, yeah.”

“I’m being careful since he’s your friend, but I think you’re confused because you’ve been tangled up with a strange person for 18 years.”

I still couldn’t fully understand Yoon Kijun’s words.

“Is that so…?”

“Right. From what I see, you’re a normal person, but it looks like you’re doing unnecessary worrying just to cater to a strange friend’s whims. Honestly, it’s not like he’s your parent; it makes no sense to hide what kind of work you do just because a friend feels uncomfortable. It’s not like Benwood is an illegal entertainment establishment.”

I nodded slowly.

“But still, he takes care of me so much…”

“You said he did that even though you told him it was a burden. Is that taking care of someone? It’s just swinging you around however he wants. Giving a carrot and then a whip, doing only what’s good for himself. Isn’t that gaslighting?”

“…”

“I might be seeing it more negatively because I don’t know him, but from what I’ve heard, it doesn’t sound good. If he thinks of you as a real friend, he should at least be honest. From not even letting you bring up the topic of dating while he changes women every day behind your back… ugh, it’s creepy.”

I was miserable because there was no room for rebuttal.

“You probably know more about him, but from what I see, he doesn’t seem like the kind of human you should keep around.”

“Then… do you think I’m not in the wrong?”

“If you have a fault, it’s just that you catered too much to a crazy person?”

The relationship between Gi Seoin and me, heard through the mouth of a third party, was the absolute worst without an answer. While I nodded, I couldn’t shake the doubt of whether it was truly to that extent. It was difficult to readily admit. It felt like denying the entirety of our 18 years.

“Anyway, while I’m there, don’t serve that person and leave it to me.”

“Thanks. What would I do without you? Can’t you just work a second job at Benwood?”

I tried to make a silly comment to change the mood, but the corners of my mouth felt heavy. Yoon Kijun smiled lightly as if in my place.

“I’m telling you, you should debut too. I didn’t bring it up because I thought it might be a burden, but even on the day I went to sign the contract, they asked how you were doing.”

“If they saw me singing and acting, they’d never ask again.”

“Is it that bad?”

Actually, regardless of acting, I’ve heard quite a few compliments about being good at singing. Before I dropped out of high school, I even took charge of a singing performance at the school festival. But that was a story from over 10 years ago, and I kept my mouth shut to avoid building up useless hopes.

Before I knew it, the conversation returned to everyday topics. I spent most of the time just responding to Yoon Kijun’s stories. I couldn’t find any new things to talk about. I thought it might get even a little bit lighter if I poured it all out, but the inside of my solar plexus remained blocked.

Either way, it was better than being alone. From the moment Yoon Kijun started preparing to head home, anxiety crawled up from my toes.

Should I try to hold onto Yoon Kijun with the excuse of having a beer? But I shouldn’t take up the time of someone with an audition coming up in a few days.

“Seungkyung, get home safe.”

“Yeah, you too. See you again. Practice well!”

I said goodbye to Yoon Kijun while hiding my hands, which had finally begun to tremble.

I had a strong premonition that a panic attack would occur if I returned home like this. But there was nowhere else to go. Not even a single friend remained for me whom I could call to meet up right away.

There is just one person who appears even without being called, who reveals himself even without expectations, and who digs in persistently the more I try to turn away.

“…Gi Seoin.”

I called out like a monologue to the guy standing in front of my house like a phantom.