TWELVE 43

Gi Seoin was worthy of others’ envy from birth. On the surface, that is.

Gi Seoin’s father, Gi Yongsu, was the only son of Gi Gwangtae, the founder of the major law firm ‘Cheongcheon Law Office’. He active as a lawyer in his younger days and later inherited the law firm.

Gi Seoin’s mother, Kang Suyeon, was the eldest daughter of the family that founded ‘Hanyul Law Office’, which stood as a pair with ‘Cheongcheon’. She was an elite lawyer whose legal fees were among the most expensive.

Gi Yongsu and Kang Suyeon were a couple who held hands as a symbol of a contract during the process of merging the law firms led by their two families. In reality, neither friendship nor love existed between the two.

Just as Gi Yongsu and Kang Suyeon were used as tools for the survival of their two families, they had Gi Seoin as a means to protect their own wealth and honor. The insistence of their elders that a married couple must have a child also played a part.

A couple that began with a relationship where even camaraderie was faint could not possibly be whole.

“I changed every piece of furniture in the house twice a year. Every time my parents fought, traces were left all over the house, and it was especially bad with the furniture.”

I recalled his family home, which I had visited blindly just to meet Gi Seoin when he wasn’t showing up at school. Despite the sudden visit from a guest, the place was imposing, clean, and elegant in atmosphere. It was the complete opposite of Gi Seoin’s story.

“The reasons for fighting were varied, but eventually, I became one of those reasons too.”

Gi Seoin’s parents brought up their own child to find fault with each other. To them, the saying ‘a child is a mirror of the parents’ was interpreted in a different way. They lashed out at Gi Seoin to avoid giving the other any weakness to seize upon.

Gi Seoin spent a childhood where he had to endure even abuse in order to avoid becoming his parents’ weakness, to prove his roots, and to survive.

Instead of things like love, consideration, and patience that a parent should naturally teach a child, Gi Seoin learned anger, hatred, and violence first.

“Still… did they never say they loved you, not even once?”

“They didn’t.”

“Why…”

“Because they didn’t love me.”

Gi Seoin, who did not know the things he should have learned naturally, was solitary both at home and outside.

“Once, it seems a kindergarten teacher told them to take me to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.”

Gi Seoin, who could not approach people and did not know how to treat them warmly, failed to make friends and became isolated. Even the adults who approached him because he was pretty soon pointed fingers at him.

“I knew I was strange, but I didn’t know which part was strange. Everyone in my house was like that.”

Even after entering elementary school, the situation did not change at all. No, rather, it got worse.

“As soon as I entered elementary school, my father threw a law book at me and told me to memorize it.”

If he got a question wrong when his father tested him, a new bruise was etched onto that frail body. He said his father, after wielding violence, would drag Gi Seoin in front of a mirror and say:

[Gi Seoin, look closely. This bruise is a disgrace you have etched into our family. Do not become a shame to the Gi clan.]

Two years later, at age ten, Gi Seoin was diagnosed with childhood depression and selective mutism.

[Uh-oh? Little boy, are you crying?] […] [What’s your name?] […] [I’m Seungkyung, Woo Seungkyung.]

That was why, on the day we first met, he couldn’t answer my questions.

“Since I didn’t get better even when put in front of the most skilled psychiatrist in South Korea, they must have had quite a headache. Apparently, the doctor said, ‘Seoin has no will to get better on his own.’”

Thinking back, it seems Gi Seoin didn’t speak even after the day we first met. I simply considered it to be because he was very shy. I also thought it didn’t matter since I could just do the talking. Even if he didn’t speak, he did smile for me.

“But after meeting you, Woo Seungkyung, I felt like I wanted to get better.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to answer your questions.”

Saying that, Gi Seoin smiled like someone whose wish had come true.

To Gi Seoin, who tried to shake off his pain just to answer my questions, I could no longer ask anything. He had already given me a sufficient answer.

[If you save my life and then say you’re going to die because of me, what am I supposed to do.]

Only now do I understand Gi Seoin. I could clearly see the foundation of the words and actions he had shown. He had expressed himself with all his might, but he was merely clumsy because he had never learned how to give his heart.

And through Gi Seoin, I faced myself.

I was just as immature.

I have lived dominated by the fear that the person I love will one day leave. The event that engraved that terror in me was the death of my parents, which I no longer even remember. The second was the parting from my great-aunt, and the third was the breakup with a future Gi Seoin that I hadn’t even experienced yet.

Ah, how much must Gi Seoin have been hurt by the weapon of cowardice that I brandished?

Gi Seoin asked:

“Has everything been answered now?”

“…Yes.”

I could do nothing but cry, unable to say anything more. If I were a person strong enough to laugh, I would have been able to comfort him more. I hate myself. But Gi Seoin says he likes this version of me.

Unrequited love.

Gi Seoin called me that.

“I… Seoin-ah, I…”

I wanted to tell him too.

“I know I have no right to say this to you…”

The wait Gi Seoin had endured for eighteen years was far too long to wait until my crying stopped.

“I also… hated you being with other people. I didn’t want to lose you. I hoped you wouldn’t leave.”

Gi Seoin pulled my head into an embrace, letting me lean against him. I willingly poured out my heart from within those arms.

“I also…”

It was my true heart, long-stale and even scorned by myself.

“Gi Seoin, I had an unrequited love for you.”

I thought I shouldn’t. I believed there was only one excuse for me to stay by Gi Seoin’s side: friendship. I took fright on my own and drew a line between us. I believed that the moment either one of us, you or I, crossed that line, a hole would open beneath our feet. I imagined being trapped in a dark world from which one could never emerge once fallen.

So I pushed Gi Seoin away, rebuked him, and denied him.

Instead of doing that, I should have tried stepping into your world just once.

If I had, this moment of us facing each other would have come much sooner…

More and more, Gi Seoin conquered my field of vision.

It was the moment when even his form became blurred because he was too close. His lips softly brushed mine.

Thinking I would regret it for the rest of my life if I missed this moment, I accepted the kiss.

Gi Seoin’s lips, which I had felt when we kissed playfully, were different from when we kissed now. They aren’t warm; they are hot. They aren’t light; they are heavy. They don’t give even a moment to breathe. It was unlike the Gi Seoin who was always considerate of me.

As if even being flustered was a luxury, his tongue invaded deeply as if intent on blocking my very throat. As if telling me to hide nothing anymore, it poked and prodded even the trivial places. It bound me as if telling me not to run away.

I felt like I was suffocating to death, but I also soaked into the soft sensation of him caressing me. I wrapped one arm around Gi Seoin’s neck. It was lamentable that I couldn’t embrace him with both arms.

“Heh, ha…”

The lips that were stealing all my breath pulled away, and when I opened my eyes while bursting out a breath, Gi Seoin’s shadow blurred before slowly regaining its outline.

Gi Seoin, who rubbed my wet lips with his thumb, smiled more brightly than I had ever seen.

“Actually, it was a lie when I said before that you weren’t my first kiss.”

“Is that what you have to say right now?”

“Both my first peck and my first kiss are Woo Seungkyung.”

Would Gi Seoin be disappointed if he heard? Whether it was the first peck or the first kiss, it didn’t matter to me even if I wasn’t his first partner.

“It’s the same for me.”

If it was truly right that I had saved Gi Seoin, that was enough.

“But…”

I slightly moved my uninjured leg outward.

“That, wait a second…”

Because it was difficult to put into words, I gestured downward with my eyes.

Fortunately, Gi Seoin, who realized, climbed down from on top of me and lay beside me again.

“Sorry if I startled you.”

He apologized with a face that didn’t look sorry at all. To be honest, it wasn’t something to be sorry about.

“Uh, yeah, it’s okay.”

Wait, is this something he should be sorry about?

It is only human nature to feel sorry when you point a club at someone.

However, no matter how much it was like a club, it wasn’t an actual blunt instrument or a weapon, so there was no need to go as far as receiving an apology.

I swallowed hard.

If… we become that kind of couple, we’ll do this and that, so does that mean we have to use that club?

Goosebumps broke out along my spine.

“Are you tired?”

Gi Seoin asked while looking at me.

“Your complexion isn’t good.”

“Uh… really?”

“I held onto you for too long. Let’s sleep, now.”

Since my thoughts were starting to multiply again anyway, it would be better to do that.

“Uh, yeah. You have to get ready for work soon too…”

“Good night.”

Gi Seoin, who embraced me while whispering, pressed the tip of his nose against my shoulder blade. I lowered my gaze to glance at him, then asked:

“Shall I give you an arm pillow?”

Gi Seoin answered without hesitating for even a second.

“Yes.”

When I raised my right arm, Gi Seoin promptly rested his head on my arm.

Earlier, I felt regret that only one arm was functional, but now I felt lucky that at least one side was okay.

Anyway…

I kept stealing glances at Gi Seoin, who had his eyes closed.

He’s cute.

I needed to sleep, but I myself felt it was a shame to.

It was a moment even more dreamlike than a dream.