TWELVE 66

“Anything else besides kissing?”

I nodded, keeping my gaze lowered.

He asked again.

“For example?”

“…”

Are you seriously asking because you don’t kno…

“Sex?”

So you didn’t ask because you didn’t know. Should I say that’s a relief? Ah, did I bring this up for nothing? The nape of my neck was burning, and my chest was fluttering. I placed a hand over my heart. It hadn’t leaped out of my chest yet.

In that moment, I thought I heard the sound of laughter. Unintentionally, I looked at him.

He was smiling.

Embarrassed, I quickly lowered my gaze again.

No, why are you laughing? I’m being serious; what’s so funny?

“Why are you curious about that?”

“Just… because you only go as far as kissing.”

“So you disliked it?”

“It’s not that I disliked it…!”

Worried there might be a misunderstanding, I unintentionally raised my voice. I’m dying of embarrassment. In times like this—I mean, when having a conversation like this—it would be nice if I could be composed. I’ve done nothing but work since I got my resident registration card; I haven’t managed to become an adult.

“Just in case, well, I thought I should hear your opinion too.”

On the contrary, Gi Seoin looked exasperatingly calm.

“Ah, I see.”

It almost felt like he was teasing me.

“If it’s a bit much to talk about, you don’t have to.”

“No.”

The hand that had only been touching me as if tickling until now firmly gripped my ankle. It wasn’t to the point of pain, but I was startled. I reflexively looked at Gi Seoin again. The moment our gazes intertwined, I felt as though I had fallen for his intention.

“I want to talk about it,” Gi Seoin said. “But I think I need to think more about how to say it.”

“Couldn’t you just speak honestly…?”

“Honestly?”

I nodded my head.

I was relieved that it wasn’t the worst reaction I had anticipated, but since Gi Seoin was such an unpredictable fellow, I couldn’t completely relax my tension.

Gi Seoin, who seemed to think for a moment, opened his mouth while pressing down on my ankle bone with his thumb.

“Don’t run away even if I speak honestly.”

The thought that he was worrying over nothing made a smile leak from the corners of my mouth.

“Why would I run away?”

It was before my voice had even fully dispersed. The hand that had been on my ankle slid all the way up my leg, and in the blink of an eye, Gi Seoin pinned me down and climbed on top of me.

He seized both of my wrists and bound them above my head as if I really might run away. There was no trace of playfulness in the face looking down at me.

“I guess you can’t run away now, Woo Seungkyung.”

I swallowed hard.

“I wasn’t going to run away anyway…”

“Seungkyung.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You’re the person who appeared in my dream when I had my first wet dream.”

Heat rushed to my face instantly. Even though I was the one who asked, I thought, ‘Coming in swinging like this?’

“Even when I masturbated for the first time, I only thought of you.”

Gi Seoin was just calm, without a hint of embarrassment.

“Every day we met, while feeding you in the morning, while studying, while working—I imagined having sex with you constantly.”

It was to that extent…?

“I, uh, I see? Our Seoin did…”

Gi Seoin looked composed, but since you never know what’s going on inside a person, I wanted to react in a way that wouldn’t make him feel awkward.

“You had those thoughts constantly. You’re very… healthy…”

“It’s not being healthy; at this point, you should call it a sickness.”

Because his expression was so blank, I couldn’t distinguish if he was being serious or joking. The fellow who mentioned wet dreams, masturbation, and imagining it constantly seemed unfazed, but on the contrary, my whole body was burning.

“No! That can happen at a vigorous age.”

“Since that can happen, you won’t run away?”

“Yeah, I won’t.”

“You don’t dislike me now?”

“Of course I don’t dislike you.”

Recently, I had been the same way constantly, and although it wasn’t to that extent in the past, I had similar experiences. It meant I was in no position to scold him.

“I dreamed of you too, when I had a wet dream…”

Gi Seoin’s eyes widened at my confession. At the same time, he let go of my wrists. It felt as if he had lost his grip.

“Really?”

“Yeah… was it when I was twenty?”

“Tell me more in detail.”

Gi Seoin said as he naturally lay down using my arm as a pillow. I held onto his shoulder tightly, fearing he might fall off the sofa, while I recalled the past.

It was not long after my voice had changed. A guy at school called the kids together during lunch and played a pornographic video. Until then, I had neither a cell phone nor a computer, so it was the first time in my life I had encountered pornography.

Immediately after watching it, honestly, rather than feeling it was erotic, my only impression was that it was disgusting. It wasn’t beautiful like the content I’d learned in sex education, nor was it thrilling or “arousing” as the kids had babbled.

The moment I realized what the emotion of being “aroused” felt like was when I was twenty, several years later.

It wasn’t a grand event, but I will never forget that day.

I just slept as usual, Gi Seoin appeared in my dream, we kissed, and we did things that would only happen in pornography. Then I woke up with my underwear soaked.

Having a wet dream at the age of twenty. Even though I was filled with a sense of self-loathing while washing my underwear, I wallowed in the afterglow of the dream. My lower abdomen kept feeling heavy. The desire to actually do that with Gi Seoin tormented me. The next day, naturally, I couldn’t look him properly in the face.

“…But you seemed to be looking at me more closely that day, so I was going crazy.”

“I always looked at you closely.”

“That’s why I was so jumpy.”

It was embarrassing, but since it was an event from the distant past, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Then…”

Starting the conversation, Gi Seoin hugged my waist and continued.

“Have you ever masturbated while thinking of me?”

I glanced at him and then looked back at the ceiling.

Well, Gi Seoin spoke honestly, so I should be honest too.

“Yeah… I have.”

“When?”

“Just… when I was younger.”

“You haven’t recently?”

“…I have.”

“When?”

“I don’t remember when exactly…”

I wasn’t lying, but my mouth kept going dry.

“It wasn’t like I set out to do it, but you appeared in my dream…”

“An erotic dream?”

The protagonist of my erotic dreams was always Gi Seoin. There had never been a single exception.

I just nodded. Even though I had drawn the line over and over again saying we were friends, the one who had erotic dreams about that friend and even masturbated behind his back was me. I intended to keep it a secret for life, but I ended up confessing. Who knew a day like this would come?

“But, Gi Seoin.”

Since I was embarrassed enough, I thought I could pass the baton back to him.

“Since you’re like that, why did you never show it?”

“Even if I just prepare a meal, you tell me not to act like this between friends, so how could I show it?”

“No… not then. Now.”

“Now?”

Gi Seoin lightly touched my operated shoulder with his fingertips.

“I’m not in heat enough to ask a patient to do it.”

The reason he tried not to go beyond kissing was more touching than I thought. I turned my body to face him. A smirk leaked out.

“A moment ago you said you were practically sick.”

“I guess it’s not a critical case.”

“Then are you going to endure it until I get better?”

“I suppose so.”

“How are you going to endure it? How have you endured it until now?”

If I could, I even wanted to learn. Even now, being pressed right against Gi Seoin made my body tingle.

“I just think of sad things.”

“What kind of sad things?”

“Thinking of being thrown away by Woo Seungkyung because I acted like a beast.”

“…I won’t throw you away even if you act like a beast.”

At that, his face crumpled.

“Don’t say things like that.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes me think I can.”

Gi Seoin had been struggling in his own way. Even imagining being abandoned by the person he loves.

It’s pitiful. It felt like I could see how much he had to tremble in fear just because he held me in his heart, because I had experienced that feeling too.

“Gi Seoin, you can act like that.”

“…No.”

“I told you you can?”

“Don’t break the chastity I’ve kept for 18 years.”

To use a word like ‘chastity.’ It was funny.

“Aren’t you going to use that chastity on me anyway?”

“…”

“Wasn’t that it?”

“That’s right, but not right now.”

“Why not?”

After saying it was constant and a sickness, the fact that he seemed to be avoiding it when I said it was okay made my stubbornness flare up. Purely with the intention to tease, I slid my knee between his legs.

Immediately, Gi Seoin sat up abruptly. Pinning me beneath him again just as he had done before, he asked.

“Woo Seungkyung.”

He had an expression that looked angry.

“Don’t.”

“So why ‘don’t’?”

When I asked, he touched his forehead and let out a sigh.

“You, do you want to have shoulder surgery again?”

“Did I say I wanted to wrestle? We can just do it gently.”

“I’m doing this because I don’t think that’s going to be possible.”

I’m sorry, but it sounded like an excuse.

“I’m not some paper doll. You’re overprotecting me.”

“It’s better than treating you roughly.”

“Don’t you know the saying, ‘If you save it, it becomes poop’?”

“The cases where it becomes poop are because you didn’t actually treasure it.”

“Ah, seriously…!”

There was absolutely no way to win against Gi Seoin with words. It was frustrating.

I was also disappointed. I fully understood his heart in worrying about me. I’m sincerely grateful too. But on the other hand, it felt like he was only saying he wanted to do it with me with words, so I became impatient. While I trusted him, I was anxious that those words might all be excuses.

Troublesomely, it seems I am a person who cannot be at ease unless I receive confirmation.

“Then I’ll just do it safely by myself, so don’t say anything.”

“Why would you do it alone when I’m here?”

“Because you said you won’t, and that you’ll treasure me.”

“Woo Seungkyung, today…”

Gi Seoin stopped mid-sentence and let out another long sigh.

“You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you.”

“Yeah, I’ve had my mind made up since I asked from the start.”

“…”

“Because I want to do it with you.”

“…”

The fellow fell silent and just stared at me. There was no way to know what emotions were held within those dark, deep eyes. Would he think I’m a nuisance, or would he regret accepting me for no reason? If not that…

“Then just watch.”

Suddenly, Gi Seoin pressed down on my lower abdomen.

“Watch what?”

“I’ll show you.”

Spouting words I couldn’t understand, the fellow pulled down his waistband. It wasn’t mine, but his own pants.

“Don’t go anywhere, don’t close your eyes, and watch.”

The realization that his intention in pressing down on my lower abdomen was to prevent me from moving only hit me now, when Gi Seoin pulled out and gripped his penis.