TWELVE 38

I was writhing as I collapsed, let out a strangled sob, and felt something solid against my back. Reflexively, I flinched and then screamed from the pain in my shoulder. The scream that tore from my throat felt so foreign that for a moment, goosebumps rose on my skin. I felt as if I were losing myself. As if I were about to disappear just like this…

“Woo Seungkyung, it’s okay. You’re okay, so breathe in slowly.”

A voice that truly didn’t sound like mine seeped into my ears.

“Slowly. One, two, three…”

I inhaled following the voice, held it, and exhaled slowly. My racing breath gradually returned to its normal track. My mind, which had been charred black with terror, slowly accepted reality. I wasn’t dead yet.

“Seungkyung, look at me.”

I looked at Gi Seoin.

“Well done.”

Gi Seoin withdrew his palm, which he had held over my lips like a respirator, and gently stroked my hair and cheek. I leaned against him as if collapsing. Gi Seoin embraced me lightly and rubbed my back several times.

After being hospitalized, panic attacks came several times a day, and Gi Seoin stabilized me every time. By the third time, he had perfectly mastered exactly what to do to pull me out of the panic quickly.

I am thankful beyond words, but once the attack ends, I can’t look Gi Seoin straight in the eye because of the self-loathing I feel toward myself. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was using him. I loathed myself for finding stability in the arms of the very person I had pushed away so much.

Self-loathing led directly to regret.

If only I hadn’t pushed Gi Seoin away and had revealed my feelings honestly… perhaps I wouldn’t be this miserable. Neither I, nor Gi Seoin.

“About after your discharge.”

Once I had completely regained normal breathing, Gi Seoin, who had moved to the chair next to the bed, spoke.

“Stay at my place.”

“That’s…”

I managed to spit out the start but couldn’t follow up with the rest. To accept was to not want to cause Gi Seoin any more trouble, and to refuse was to have absolutely no confidence in returning to live in that house alone.

As I hesitated, Gi Seoin spoke again.

“If you stay at my place, I’m going to go back to the office. Once I return, I’ll be working late often, but if you say you need me, I can come right away.”

“…”

“I want you to stay at my place not for my sake, but for yours.”

As he persuaded me quietly in that soft bass voice, my spineless heart immediately leaned toward staying at Gi Seoin’s house. However, I still couldn’t answer easily because of the guilt I felt toward him.

“Won’t it… be uncomfortable?”

“What is there to be uncomfortable about.”

“Still…”

“There is no ‘still.’ Just say okay.”

How could Gi Seoin always be so firm?

I revealed my feelings passively.

“It’s because I feel sorry, toward you.”

“What are you sorry about?”

“I… well, I was mean to you, so saying I’ll stay at your house feels like I have no conscience.”

Suddenly, Gi Seoin squinted his eyes and laughed.

“You certainly don’t have a conscience.”

Knowing he was saying it just to tease me, I dropped my gaze, feeling awkward looking at him. Gi Seoin continued to chuckle.

“Do you really think I’d expect a conscience from you?”

“…What do you mean?”

“I’ve finally managed to catch the person who ran away saying we should never meet again; do you think I’d expect a conscience on top of that? Just stay in a place where you’re comfortable and focus on getting better quickly.”

Some people might describe Gi Seoin as cold-blooded, but the Gi Seoin I knew was this kind of affectionate person. Even I had forgotten that fact. I shouldn’t have, after enjoying his warmth so many times.

“I’m sorry, Seoin.”

“Again.”

Gi Seoin tapped my lips with the tip of his index finger.

“What did I tell you?”

“Not to say things like ‘I’m sorry’ and say thank you instead.”

“And just now?”

“You said… I just have to say okay.”

“Right.”

Gi Seoin’s lips pulled into a broad smile. Even without a sound, it was a smile that conveyed a deeper sense of satisfaction than ever before.

“Seungkyung.”

Gi Seoin spoke, still with a smile on his face.

“Let’s talk about other things later. Later, when you’re okay.”

It was a promise grounded solely in consideration for me. I nodded to show that his consideration wouldn’t be in vain.

With both my shoulder and ankle injured, it was effectively impossible to walk entirely on my own. While in the hospital, I was always supported by others. Most of the time, Gi Seoin helped me, and occasionally a nurse, or if he inevitably had to be away for a long time, a caregiver he hired or the nurses would be by my side.

“This…”

On the long-awaited day of discharge. I just stared at the object Gi Seoin brought in and asked.

“Do I have to ride that?”

“Yes.”

“For sure?”

“Yes.”

Gi Seoin spoke firmly.

“I’ll support you, try sitting down.”

A wheelchair. Although two of my four limbs weren’t functioning properly, I never imagined I would ride a wheelchair. I felt bewildered even as I sat in the wheelchair with Gi Seoin’s help.

“Wouldn’t it be better to just practice with crutches and walk?”

“It’s dangerous. Just ride it for the time being.”

Since I could only hold a crutch on one side, it was indeed dangerous. It’s also true that safety is the top priority when already seriously injured. I felt embarrassed for some reason, but I decided to try riding it first. It would also be easier for Gi Seoin to push the wheelchair than to support me.

“Oh, the payment. I have to settle the bill.”

“I already did it.”

“You already did?”

I took my eyes off the payment counter and stared at Gi Seoin.

“I had to do it anyway while going through the discharge process.”

“Ah…”

I wouldn’t know, never having been hospitalized before. My plan to leave only the discharge process to Gi Seoin and settle the bill myself failed miserably. In truth, the real name of the plan was ‘Not Being Indebted to Gi Seoin.’ At any rate, the result was a failure.

“How much was the hospital bill?”

Gi Seoin glanced down at me.

“Why are you worrying about that?”

“It’s my hospital bill, so of course I do!”

“You just worry about recovering your body.”

“No, I’m going to worry about that too, but…”

“If you don’t get a proper clean bill of health, I’m going to charge you double for the hospital fees.”

“Are you serious?”

Knowing full well it was a joke, I asked playfully. Then, surprisingly, Gi Seoin shot back.

“Other incidental expenses are separate. Separately, I’m going to claim alimony for the emotional distress you put me through.”

“Wow, a loan shark would cry and go home.”

“If you’re scared, then work hard on healing.”

“Yes, I understand.”

I decided to let it slide lightly for now, but I intended to work and pay it back once my body was better. At that time, I don’t plan on falling for tricks like telling me to pay for a meal instead. I will use every bit of stubbornness I have to eventually repay everything. Only then will I be able to face Gi Seoin properly.

“On the count of three, try standing up.”

After arriving at the parking lot, Gi Seoin spoke as he supported me under my uninjured arm in front of the car. When I nodded, he counted.

“One, two, three…”

I stood up using the strength of my good leg and waist. Actually, Gi Seoin’s strength supporting me was so great that I felt like I was floating in the air.

Having successfully seated me in the car, Gi Seoin expertly folded the wheelchair, put it in the trunk, and got into the driver’s seat. His face was as pale and clear as if he hadn’t exerted any effort at all.

“Am I not heavy?”

When I asked, Gi Seoin answered calmly as he pulled the car out of the parking space.

“You’re heavy.”

I thought he’d say I wasn’t heavy; he was a funny guy.

“It’ll be a good workout.”

“Try getting heavier so I can increase the workout intensity. You’re skinny.”

I felt a sting. Ever since Gi Seoin stopped coming to my house, I had neglected my meals. Even so, I was so distracted I didn’t realize I was losing weight, but I was shocked to see how little I weighed when measured at the hospital this time.

“You just said I’m already heavy, so what.”

“You can be twice as heavy.”

“If I get twice as heavy, won’t that be the healthy body you want?”

“I’ll help you with exercise and your diet.”

“What kind of act is that, making me gain weight on purpose?”

“It’s giving the disease and then the medicine.”

Gi Seoin smiled faintly.

“So you can stay by my side longer.”

It must be a joke, but I couldn’t laugh.

After that, we drove quietly to Gi Seoin’s house. The distance from the hospital wasn’t far, so I didn’t have to endure the silence for long.

I got out of the car while hanging onto Gi Seoin’s arm again and sat in the wheelchair, and without taking a single step, I arrived at the house on the 42nd floor. My body was certainly comfortable, but my mind was uneasy.

After dropping me off at the house, Gi Seoin went back out the door, saying he would bring up my luggage from the car.

I rolled the wheelchair wheels with one hand and slowly passed through the hallway to reach the living room. I looked around to try and get attached to this place where I would have to stay for a few days. However, no matter how much I took it in, it felt like a space that had nothing to do with me.

I’ll get used to it after staying for a few days.

I repeated the wish like a natural consequence.

A moment later, I heard an electronic beep and looked toward the hallway to see Gi Seoin coming in. However, both hands of the man who said he would only bring up my luggage were full of shopping bags.

“What is all this?”

I asked Gi Seoin as he came into the living room and set the bags down. He replied softly.

“I bought some things I thought you’d need.”

“Just now?”

“Yesterday.”

He had said yesterday that he had errands to run and would be out for a while; he must have gone shopping. But…

“Don’t bother going home to get things; just use what’s here for now. Tell me if you need anything else.”

Logos familiar even to me, who knows nothing about luxury brands, were drawn on the shopping bags. I watched as he took out items one by one, thinking that surely Gi Seoin’s own things were mixed in.

“Pajamas. Over here are clothes to wear when going out. This should be enough underwear, right? Since your ankle hurts, I looked for comfortable sneakers. Wear them once you start rehabilitation. And this…”

“Are those all mine?”

“Of course?”

Gi Seoin looked at me as if I were asking a strange question. I couldn’t help but smack my forehead. Normally, I’d want to accept out of courtesy, but this was too much, far too much.

“Thanks, I’m really thankful, but… let’s get a refund.”

If I don’t, I might have to spend the rest of my life working just to pay Gi Seoin back.