TWELVE 8

“Sigh… Seoin, why do you keep saying such strange things? Saying things like you want to be the only one who can see me…”

“That is how I feel.”

“Please.”

“Is it strange that I feel this way?”

“Gi Seoin, stop it!”

I grabbed Gi Seoin and shook him.

“I told you to stop…”

I tried not to cry, but I was helpless. My whole body was trembling.

“It scares me every time you act like this…”

“…”

Gi Seoin wasn’t crying, but his face looked pained enough. I didn’t know why he was suffering. Was it because I wouldn’t act according to his wishes? Or because I was crying? It could be both, or perhaps neither. I couldn’t be sure of anything. At times like this, Gi Seoin was a person I didn’t know.

I let go of Gi Seoin and wiped my wet face. Even tears felt like a burden now. I was exhausted, body and soul.

When I turned my gaze out the window, Gi Seoin started the engine.

The car climbed the steep hills of the shantytown. The expensive sedan and the neglected road seemed to be struggling with each other. Just like Gi Seoin and me.

We are a dreadfully ill-matched pair.

‘Oh? Hey kid, are you crying?’ 

‘…’ 

‘What’s your name?’ 

‘…’ 

‘I’m Seungkyung. Woo Seungkyung.’

If I hadn’t run into him in that neighborhood I happened to drift into 18 years ago, we would have lived our lives forever unaware of each other’s existence. And perhaps that would have been better for both of us. Then we wouldn’t have had to face these heart-wrenching times.

Or at least…

‘Hey, isn’t Gi Seoin a bit much? It feels like he’s too obsessed with you, it’s creepy.’ 

‘Seungkyung. Is Gi Seoin still following you around?’ 

‘Does Gi Seoin like Woo Seungkyung? Is he gay?’ 

‘Woo Seungkyung, you shouldn’t be so accepting of it.’ 

‘What if Gi Seoin throws a suicidal fit later saying he can’t live without you?’

Should I have stopped back then?

Regret, anger, apology, and self-loathing scrambled around inside me.

Gi Seoin’s car came to a halt. Since there was no place to park in front of my house, I had to get out here and walk up a bit further.

“Seoin.”

I spoke before Gi Seoin could unbuckle his seatbelt.

“I’ll bring your things out to you. Do you want to stay here for a moment?”

Gi Seoin’s eyes widened as if he were thinking for a split second, then he immediately frowned.

“Why are you bringing my things out?”

“I’ve thought about it, and I think it’s better for both of us if we keep some distance. You can’t even rest properly because you’re busy taking care of me, and I’m preoccupied in my own way…”

“I do it because I want to, so why are you preoccupied?”

“I’m saying the fact that you want to take care of me in that way preoccupies me.”

My emotions and my voice escalated once again. But I was currently in a state of being depleted to the very bottom, making it impossible to compose myself.

“So I’m asking why that makes you preoccupied.”

“Because it’s not normal! It’s not like this between normal friends. You and I are friends, so when you act like that, I… I’m uncomfortable.”

“…Normal, usual. Can’t we just ignore things like that and live our own way?”

“It’s not ‘our’ way, it’s ‘your’ way.”

In this moment, I saw a wound on Gi Seoin. The person who had scratched him was none other than me. Guilt and terror washed over me simultaneously. Because I knew what would happen to Gi Seoin if I pushed him away.

‘Seungkyung, tell me. You won’t abandon me, right?’

…And yet, I decided to make this choice. Only then would we not have to lose each other.

I hope Gi Seoin is different from before. Back then, Gi Seoin was young enough that he couldn’t look after himself, but he isn’t anymore. Just as he couldn’t sleep a wink at my house before but that has changed now.

“Wait here. I’ll bring your things.”

Out of habit, I almost checked Gi Seoin’s expression. I tucked my head down toward the ground and turned my back.

Gi Seoin didn’t say another word even when I returned and handed him the suitcase.

“…And, if sleeping is really that hard, make sure you go to the hospital.”

Even up until the moment I turned to walk away again.

I was insanely worried about Gi Seoin, but I endured it with the feeling of swallowing bitter medicine. From the evening on, I was tormented by past events and all sorts of imaginings. I repeatedly picked up my phone to find Gi Seoin’s name only to put it down again.

As soon as I entered my room to force myself to try and sleep for tomorrow’s sake, Gi Seoin’s spot caught my eye.

‘I have dreams where you abandon me, Seungkyung.’

Tears flowed out of apology to Gi Seoin. If I had been less selfish, I wouldn’t have had to hurt him. I couldn’t fall asleep, blaming myself.

It was a night made more cruel by its silence.

I wished for morning to come immediately instead. It felt like my complicated mind would stop running once I started working. I checked the time. 5:32 AM… I stood up to take a shower but froze right where I was.

I heard the sound of the door lock.

Soon, I locked eyes with Gi Seoin, who had opened the door and entered.

The words ‘Why did you come?’ crawled up to my tongue, but I swallowed them. Even after seeing me, Gi Seoin headed for the kitchen without a word. The fluorescent light of the kitchen and the clattering noise invaded all the way into the room where I was.

“Seungkyung.”

I was standing still, unable to even leave the room, when Gi Seoin approached. He stood there as if there were a transparent barrier at the door, not coming inside.

“Aren’t you going to wash up? Breakfast is almost done.”

More than that, I wanted to say something else to Gi Seoin. No, I wanted to ask. I finally voiced the question I had forced myself to swallow earlier.

“You… why did you come?”

“To feed you breakfast.”

Gi Seoin acted like a person who had completely forgotten everything that happened yesterday. That made me despair.

Turning a blind eye is easy. But facing a problem and fixing it is hard. I was trying to choose the hard path. Because I was willing to endure it even if it were painful for a short while or a long time, as long as we could eventually laugh together comfortably.

“Seoin. Let’s talk for a bit.”

I brushed past him and went to sit in the living room. The table wasn’t set yet, but the smell of food permeated the whole house. Since I wasn’t hungry, that smell wasn’t welcome either.

Gi Seoin came and sat across from me.

“Talk about what?”

“Yesterday…”

“Wasn’t the talk from yesterday all finished?”

“No, it wasn’t finished.”

the emotions that had unraveled me since yesterday still lingered in my heart.

“So, what I want to say is…”

I was afraid I would break down emotionally again and hurt Gi Seoin.

“Don’t do this anymore. Stop coming over every dawn to make me breakfast, and I want you to stop worrying about every little detail of my health. I’ll take care of my own social life and relationships. I’m twenty-eight, and you’re my friend. There’s a line that has to be kept between friends.”

The longer I spoke, the darker his complexion became. Gi Seoin’s agitation felt as clear as my own emotions, making it painful.

“…What if I say I’m going to keep doing it?”

Gi Seoin, who had been looking down, stared straight at me.

“What if I say I feel like I’ll go crazy if I don’t do it?”

Gi Seoin’s question made me feel like I’d returned to square one. What on earth did he want? It was better to just ask.

“Gi Seoin, what exactly do you want from me?”

Gi Seoin dropped his gaze again. He had a contemplative look. If he had told me all his thoughts, perhaps our situation would have improved. But that was just a hypothesis, not a hope I could expect from him.

“I…”

He finally started to speak, then hesitated once more. I waited.

“I want you to live with me.”

“And what changes then?”

“I’ll probably be less anxious. Then I’ll bother you less.”

It was surprising that Gi Seoin thought of himself as bothering me. At the same time, it made me upset.

“You haven’t been bothering me. You’ve been doing your best… It’s just, the way we think of each other is different, and I think that’s why it’s hard.”

“If you found it hard, then I was bothering you.”

“No…”

I wanted to find words to refute him, but none would come to mind. I could swear I had never once considered Gi Seoin to be bothering me. It was just that the way Gi Seoin treated a friend was burdensome to me.

I also needed time to organize my thoughts. This time, Gi Seoin waited for me.

“The way I see it, I don’t think your anxiety will be solved just by us being together.”

I was going to continue my life regardless. As far as I knew, Gi Seoin felt the greatest anxiety when I became close to others. The reason I clashed with Gi Seoin was always because of a third party, not because of him or me.

Even so, I couldn’t just hand over my debt to him and quit my job as he wished. That would be like being thrown into a situation I truly didn’t want.

It was a time that required a cooler judgment than ever before.

Gi Seoin is a man anyone would dream of. He is a person who has it all: outstanding looks, an affluent family background, and a prestigious profession.

Even if he hasn’t been interested in dating so far, someday Gi Seoin will meet his match. Since he is so particular, he’ll probably meet a wonderful person who suits him and form an ideal family. It isn’t hard to imagine.

But if I did as Gi Seoin asked just to make myself comfortable for now, Gi Seoin would move further away from that perfect future that was practically guaranteed.

I don’t suit him, nor am I of any help to him. I am far from perfect and full of flaws. I know this so well it’s sad.

I truly want him to be happy. Therefore, I prayed that he would break his habit of me.

“Rather, Gi Seoin, you’re anxious because you’re with me.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.”

Both Gi Seoin and I acted as if we could crush the other’s opinion with words. I had no intention of backing down. He likely felt the same, though…

“I don’t remember ever seeing you truly happy while you were with me. You’re always anxious because of me, worrying, unable to rest, spending your time and money…”

“Woo Seungkyung, that’s all because I wanted to…!”

“How do you think I feel watching you like that from the side?”

Gi Seoin, who had raised his voice, only moved his lips as if he were at a loss for words.

“Seoin.”

I drove it home.

“It’s hard for me to see you like that.”

“…”

“You don’t have to make me breakfast anymore. Don’t do things that are hard on you because of me. Don’t do it even if you say it isn’t hard. Spend the time you spent on me, on yourself.”