TWELVE 5

“It’s weird to pay it back precisely because we’re friends.”

Gi Seoin tilted his head slightly as if he couldn’t understand. I added a further explanation for his sake.

“Where in the world do you find a friend who pays off your debts for you?”

“I’m saying I’ll pay it because I can afford to.”

“Forget it.”

I drained the rest of my coffee in one go. My throat felt parched. Gi Seoin just watched me intently.

“…Honestly, you coming over every morning to make me breakfast is already over the line for just friends.”

‘Why?’

Gi Seoin’s expression still seemed to ask.

“It means I’m already receiving more from you than I can handle. If I take any more, I’ll feel too burdened to even look at you.”

“Do you truly mean that?”

This time, Gi Seoin furrowed his brow noticeably.

“Mean what?”

“That you won’t be able to look at me.”

Oops.

“I just mean it would be that much of a burden…”

Gi Seoin hated words like ‘can’t look at you’ or ‘can’t be friends’ with an extreme passion. I had made a slip of the tongue.

‘Hey…!’

For a split second, a terrible incident from the past flashed before my eyes.

‘Gi Seoin, you…!’

I rubbed my closed eyelids, trying to shake off a memory I didn’t even want to recall in my dreams.

A sigh bubbled up. It’s so difficult to state my opinion without hurting the other person.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. How could I not be friends with you? If Gi Seoin isn’t in my life, I’m like a fish-shaped pastry without red bean, a mechanical pencil without lead, or a beer without bubbles.”

I tried to lighten the mood, but Gi Seoin didn’t even make a pretense of smiling. His face remained grave.

However, seeing as he didn’t bring up the topic of paying off the debt again, he seemed to have decided to back off for now. ‘For now.’ That part was important. As always, Gi Seoin would look for another opportunity to bring it up.

Suddenly, Gi Seoin stepped right up to me. I looked up at him. The eyes looking down at me were pitch black. This time, I couldn’t even guess what he was feeling.

“What…”

“Woo Seungkyung, give it to me.”

“Huh? What?”

I reflexively took a step back, but Gi Seoin reached out his arm and took the empty cup from my hand.

He just wanted the cup…

My heart was thumping as if I’d just had a nightmare. It was scarier because I didn’t know why. I pulled my gaze away from Gi Seoin as he went to the kitchen to tidy up the trash.

The restless Saturday afternoon passed and the moon rose. My house, which sat at the very top of a hillside shantytown, had the advantage of a great view of the sky. Looking up at the sky from here, day or night, reminded me of the time I spent here with my great-aunt, warming my heart.

But…

“Wow, it’s already past eleven.”

For some reason, Gi Seoin still hadn’t gone home. Since he was someone whose weekends were packed with work, this was rare.

“Seoin, don’t you need to go home?”

Gi Seoin, who had been looking at his tablet while sitting with his back against the wall, looked back at me.

“I’m staying over.”

“Huh? Seriously?”

My first thought was that this was a bit of a problem.

“It would be more comfortable for you to sleep at your place…”

Even though we were close friends to the point where you could count the days we hadn’t met in eighteen years on your fingers, we had almost never slept at each other’s houses. Aside from that one single day back in high school when Gi Seoin stayed at my place, that was it.

“Why all of a sudden?”

Gi Seoin looked down at his tablet and then looked back at me.

“Because I’m scared to sleep alone.”

“…Are you serious?”

To attack me like that out of the blue—it was cowardly. On the rare occasions when the usually reserved Gi Seoin cracked a joke, I’d burst out laughing over nothing.

“Oh my. Was our little puppy scared to sleep all by himself?”

I playfully thrashed his back. He didn’t move an inch after dropping such an uncharacteristic joke.

“Ah, man, you’re funny sometimes.”

I laughed so hard tears actually came out. While I was wiping my eyes, I heard him set his tablet on the floor. Gi Seoin filled my still-blurry vision. His lips moved.

“Anyway, I’m staying over tonight.”

Why say it so significantly? While leaning in so close to my face.

“For real?”

“Do you hate the idea?”

“No, no. It’s not that I hate it… I’m just worried you’ll be uncomfortable. Didn’t you say you barely slept the last time you stayed over? Aren’t you sensitive about where you sleep? I don’t even have a bed…”

“It’s fine. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older.”

“Ah… really?”

Does sensitivity about sleeping environments usually get better with age? I was suspicious, but I had no way to verify if it was true or not. I also had no excuse to reject a guy who was flat-out saying he was staying over.

“Well, fine then. But no complaining about being uncomfortable.”

Why did Gi Seoin have to do something so out of character and make me so restless? He was such an unpredictable guy.

“Where do you want to sleep?”

Since it had come to this, I figured I should at least lay out the best blankets for him.

“Wherever you sleep.”

“I have terrible sleeping habits. The living room might be better. It’ll be cooler if we open the window…”

“I told you I was scared to sleep alone.”

Ah, seriously, he makes it impossible to say anything.

“If you’re so scared of sleeping alone, how have you lived by yourself for eight years?”

Gi Seoin moved out of his family home as soon as he turned twenty. Therefore, he had lived alone for eight years, yet I had never once heard him say he was scared to sleep alone during that time.

“I’ve been having nightmares lately.”

This was also news to me. It was because Gi Seoin rarely talked about himself. At times like this, I feel flustered and also sorry, thinking I’ve been neglectful of him.

“Nightmares? What kind of nightmares!”

“I don’t…”

Gi Seoin paused for a moment.

“I don’t remember.”

“Ah, I know that feeling. You wake up and can’t remember the details, but you just know it was terrifying. Why are you having dreams like that? Is it because you’re stressed with work lately?”

“…”

Gi Seoin shut his mouth again. He wasn’t the type to talk just because he was urged. He would tell me when the time was right, as unexpectedly as he did today.

Given his size, you’d think ghosts would run away from him, so for him to say he was scared to sleep alone meant they clearly weren’t just ordinary nightmares.

Anyway, I was grateful he at least told me now. I laid out the softest blanket in the house so Gi Seoin could sleep more comfortably than at his own place. I even put a fresh, laundered cover on the pillow for him.

After finishing the bedding, I called Gi Seoin.

“Alright, look. How is it? Do you think you can sleep comfortably?”

He examined the bedding laid out side-by-side with mine and nodded.

Compared to his bed, which was large enough for four people to lie on comfortably, it was an incredibly narrow and poor sleeping arrangement. But even if he didn’t like it, there was nothing to be done. This was the best I could offer.

“I told you I have bad sleeping habits. If you’re uncomfortable while sleeping, move to another spot on your own.”

When I nudged his waist with my elbow, he looked at me. I grinned, showing my teeth.

“Wake me up if you have a nightmare, buddy. Big brother will protect you!”

Come to think of it, the time had come to repay a favor.

That one single day Gi Seoin had slept at my house.

‘Seoin… what do I do? Grandma… Grandma…’

It was the first day my great-aunt was hospitalized after her cancer diagnosis. Once I was left alone in the house, the emotions I hadn’t been able to show in front of her overflowed uncontrollably.

‘I’m so scared…’

The anxiety that I might have to say goodbye to my grandmother, who was my shield, and the terror that I might be left all alone like this forever were sharper than any emotion I had ever felt.

‘I… I can’t breathe…’

In a state of panic, I had called Gi Seoin. Even though he didn’t know what was going on because I was talking nonsense, he took a taxi and came straight to my house.

That guy, who was so picky about his sleeping arrangements, willingly spent the night in my room, which wasn’t even properly tidied up back then. He even went to the hospital with me the next day, going as far as to skip school.

The emotions I felt for Gi Seoin back then flooded back, pressing warmly against my chest.

Why had I felt uncomfortable about Gi Seoin staying over? I should be welcoming him even if he packed his bags and decided to move in.

“Got it? Make sure to wake me if you have a nightmare.”

“Just sleep soundly.”

“Come on, wake me.”

“I don’t have nightmares when you’re there.”

Hearing those words in that soft, low voice made me feel strange.

“Whoa… don’t go saying things like that to just anyone. You’ll get beaten up.”

Gi Seoin narrowed one eye.

“Why would I get beaten up?”

“I’m saying you’ll get cursed at for flirting when you have no intention of marrying the person.”

“Flirting?”

He curled the corners of his mouth as if he understood. See that? If you say things like that with a face like his, of course…

“I only do that to you, Woo Seungkyung.”

“I’m going crazy, seriously.”

That is flirting, isn’t it?

“What’s with you today? Are you practicing on me or something?”

“Practicing what?”

I was about to answer ‘dating’ but I shut my mouth. Because it was a word Gi Seoin disliked. Since he never even joked about dating, I had become careful too.

But then what do I call it?

“…Seducing?”

This much should be okay, right?

Please let it be okay.

I checked his reaction, and Gi Seoin laughed again.

“If seducing were something that worked through practice…”

Suddenly, I felt relieved that he didn’t laugh often.

“I would have seduced you already.”

Words and laughter so unlike Gi Seoin made me feel confused and uncomfortable.

I don’t know if he’s just excited like a child about sleeping at my house, but I felt like I might make a mistake if I kept chatting with him.

A mistake?

What kind of mistake?

I guess today is just a weird day even for me.

“…Anyway, I’m washing up first. Ah, you don’t have any clothes to wear to sleep, do you?”

“I do.”

Gi Seoin gestured toward a bag sitting in the corner of the living room. It was the duffel bag he’d brought in the morning. I’d assumed he’d packed workout clothes, but he had intentionally brought pajamas as well.

“Do you have toiletries, too?”

“I have everything.”

“Our Seoin is so prepared.”

I patted his shoulder with the most playful expression I could manage and went straight to the bathroom.

Only after closing the door and being completely alone could I finally breathe. I realized then that I had been holding my breath. My face reflected in the mirror was embarrassingly red. To avoid looking at it, I turned my body and opened the faucet.

As I took off my clothes… my gaze kept drifting toward the door. It felt awkward because someone was outside when usually no one was home. I had the illusion that I could see Gi Seoin through the walls and the door. My body felt hot even though I hadn’t turned on the hot water yet.

Ah, I get it now.

I’m just not the type of person who can live with someone else.