HYUNG 64

The still brightly shining light from my phone illuminated the tin case. I have to give this to him. Right. I have to give this back. Since I have to give it back… even though I knew it was a hollow excuse, I savored the taste of the sweet candy remaining in my mouth. I should call Ham Dowon and give this…

…It was a hollow excuse. Both Ham Dowon and I knew that this wasn’t important.

“…Ha.”

I really don’t know. My own heart, wanting to use something like this as an excuse to contact Ham Dowon. What do I want to do with Ham Dowon? I liked him, and I wanted to know him for a long time. That was why the path of a romantic relationship was something I was reluctant to take. Because the end of a romance is a breakup, and that means becoming strangers.

“… .”

But why am I this afraid of becoming strangers with Ham Dowon? Perhaps I, toward Ham Dowon…

“No one can be certain. It’s not like we can see the future. I’m reeeeally scared too. How many things in this world are started with absolute certainty? Everyone is anxious and afraid.”

Suddenly, Ye Hwanyoung’s voice came to mind. Right. No one has certainty. You can’t see the future either. But why did I already decide that a relationship with Ham Dowon ends in a breakup, so I shouldn’t start? Because I had already set that conclusion in advance, I couldn’t look into my heart properly. The sweetness lingered in my mouth.

I, toward Ham Dowon…

“…I like him.”

I was liking him. I couldn’t be certain if this heart was in the same direction as Ham Dowon’s, or to the same degree. However, it was not lacking compared to the feelings I had harbored whenever I started a relationship before. Why, why did I set a limit only for Ham Dowon? I don’t know the future. …I might form a relationship that has no end.

Now that I felt certain, I was more reluctant to contact him. Telling him I like him now after having hurt him? That’s too shameless. But…

“…Hyung, because you are so pretty and kind to me, I’m always led to misunderstand. That you like me. I think I’ll think that for the rest of my life. That the hyung I like likes me back.”

In the midst of being hurt, Ham Dowon had said that. Ham Dowon never once stopped and only kept approaching. Like a fool, not even thinking of playing hard to get.

So, even if it was shameless, it was now time for me to approach him. Even if I get hurt by Ham Dowon’s cold rejection, it can’t be helped. Since it was something I brought upon myself, I had to endure it.

I called Ham Dowon. I didn’t even think about the fact that it was late, and I only felt anxious at the long-continued ringing tone. Click, when Ham Dowon answered the phone, I unknowingly gasped in surprise.

— …Hyung.

“…Ham Dowon.”

— Hyung.

“I… have something to say.”

I had to say I liked him, but I couldn’t find the courage. It was my first time being the one to confess first. But I couldn’t be a coward anymore. Despite how I look, aren’t I the hyung?

— …What do you have to say?

At that voice that trembled as if he were a bit scared, I couldn’t hold it back and let it out.

“I like you.”

— … .

“It can’t be helped even if you refuse… saying why am I saying such things only now, but I like you. I’m sorry for realizing it late. But really, truly… I like you. I mean it.”

Because I was in a hurry, the words came out fast. I confessed while pausing in between and swallowing hard. Even though I’d been in a few relationships and was twenty-five, it was such a clumsy confession. I was embarrassed.

— …Hyung.

“…Yeah.”

— Is it for real?

“Don’t cry.”

His voice trembled immensely.

— I’m not crying… .

“Liar.”

He was definitely crying. He must be staining those big eyes red and letting tears fall drip, drip.

“If you’re going to cry… cry in front of me. Don’t cry where I can’t see you.”

— …Hyung, can I go there? I want to see you, hyung.

“It’s late.”

— I really, really want to see you so much… Can’t I?

“…You can.”

The guy who said he wasn’t crying ended up sniffling loud enough for me to hear everything. This was why I had no choice but to become helplessly weak. I was originally soft on Ham Dowon, and I was even weaker toward a crying Ham Dowon.

— Hyung, I’m coming.

Heave, after taking one deep breath, Ham Dowon spoke with a commendably steady voice. I smiled brightly.

“Okay. I’ll wait. …Come quickly.”

I was a little scared. A relationship with a man—I had never done anything like that even once. However, for Ham Dowon, romance itself is a first. It’ll be a bit better if we do that scary thing together. I wanted to hold Ham Dowon’s hand and tell him let’s do it together. While waiting for Ham Dowon, my heart went thump! thump! thump! beating violently. I waited for a long time with my ear to the door, and eventually, unable to stand it, I went outside the building.

I paced around the entrance while gripping my phone tightly. Would it be faster for me to go to Ham Dowon’s house? What if we miss each other? If we just meet in the middle…

The headlights of a car momentarily brightened the dark road. I realized it instinctively. That the person I was waiting for had arrived.

“Hyung?”

Ham Dowon, who hurriedly parked the car, got out with a flustered face. After walking slowly, I couldn’t resist and ran to him, throwing my arms around him.

“…Hyung.”

“As I thought, you cried.”

Ham Dowon’s cheek, pressed against mine, was hot. Even though it was quite cool weather since it was autumn.

“…Because you made me cry, hyung.”

Ham Dowon finally admitted it while burying his face in my shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll accept your apology.”

“What about the confession?”

When I slightly lifted my head, Ham Dowon furrowed his brows a little.

“Hyung, every time you’re like this… you really seem like such a player.”

“Are you accepting it?”

“…Don’t ask the obvious.”

Ham Dowon buried his face in my shoulder again and grumbled. Unable to help it, I let out a loud “Puhaha!” and laughed.

“So many things happened to me today, but it’s good to see you. …Since it’s this good, why didn’t I know I liked you?”

I couldn’t even wait to go inside the house, so I just climbed into Ham Dowon’s car. Once I became honest, the words kept coming out like a burst dam. Ham Dowon’s face turned red.

“What happened?”

“I went to my hometown because I heard my younger sibling was in an accident.”

I quietly brushed Ham Dowon’s hair behind his ear. It was soft.

“What kind of accident!”

“It’s no big deal. She hit a car while riding a handcart. She didn’t get hurt much. She’s so immature. She’s immature… but then again, she’s more like an adult than I am.”

I chuckled thinking of Ye Hwanyoung. Ham Dowon hesitated with a relieved expression and then stroked my cheek. When I offered my face as a sign not to hesitate, he touched my face even more actively.

“Hyung, you must have been shocked.”

“I was shocked, for sure.”

While offering my left cheek, I traced the area around Ham Dowon’s eyes.

“Your eyes are red.”

What should I do with this crybaby? …It was all me who made him cry. I was the sinner.

“Did you cry a lot?”

“Not a lot…”

“Liar.”

“…You’re right. I cried a lot.”

“Because of me?”

“Yes, because of you, hyung.”

“I won’t make you cry from now on.”

“… .”

Ham Dowon, who had been answering obediently, shut his mouth tight and looked down. He seemed shy.

“Ham Dowon, look at me.”

“…I don’t want to.”

“Can’t you look at me?”

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“…Because you’re so, so… pretty, hyung…”

“Me?”

It made me laugh to hear a guy who is plenty pretty himself call me pretty.

“You’re so pretty, hyung. That’s why I’m always so… embarrassed.”

“Yeah, you did seem embarrassed.”

Even now, his cheeks were burning hot. His ears were too.

“Ham Dowon.”

“…Yes.”

“Can I do something even more embarrassing?”

“…What kind of thing?”

“Just a little closer…”

I subtly brought my face closer. When the tips of our noses touched, Ham Dowon, startled, opened his eyes wide.

“Something like this.”

With my eyes, I slowly scanned Ham Dowon’s eyes, nose, and lips. Ham Dowon’s eyelashes were trembling. It should be okay to do it, right? I slowly moved forward bit by bit. Just as our breaths mingled, what touched my lips was not Ham Dowon’s lips.

“Hyung. We’re dating now, right? This time it really isn’t my misunderstanding or delusion, is it?”

“… .”

“Make it clear. I don’t want to give my first kiss to someone who won’t even date me.”

Unexpectedly, I ended up kissing the back of Ham Dowon’s hand. Ham Dowon, who covered his mouth with a bright red face, was furrowing his brows quite firmly. It was absurd, so I tapped the back of his hand as if knocking.