HYUNG 60

The words claiming he would cling to a fantasy that had shattered long ago were empty, yet Ham Dowon’s voice did not waver. Only then did I swallow hard and look directly at Ham Dowon. The bridge of his nose brushed against the tip of mine before our noses touched completely.

“I won’t make things confusing for you anymore. I’m sorry. I won’t give you false hope like that anymore.”

I thought that was the greatest consideration I could offer. After all, I had turned away and pretended not to know his feelings just for my own comfort.

“Give it to me, that false hope. Keep giving me hope like that. I can find comfort in it. By continuing to delude myself into thinking you like me. You know how self-centered I am.”

Ham Dowon twisted his lips.

“…Ham Dowon.”

“That’s how much I like you. Truly, so much. That must be why I delude myself so easily. Thinking that whatever you do, it’s because you like me. I want to keep deluding myself.”

“…Go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Let’s not even exchange another word, and let’s not say hello anymore. I can’t let you keep deluding yourself. Because I don’t like you in that way.”

“…You are truly stubborn, Hyung. And frustratingly, I guess I’m just too weak. I shouldn’t get hurt if I want to keep deluding myself, but I’m so upset.”

Ham Dowon’s eyes grew moist. But I could no longer fall for that fragile face that looked like it was about to cry. I had to stop shaking Ham Dowon’s world.

“Go. Ham Dowon. I’m tired. I need to sleep.”

I pushed his body away firmly and stepped inside the house.

“Ham Dowon, go. Go back to your house.”

“…Hyung.”

I tried my best to speak coldly, stiffly, and with determination. But my heart weakened as my eyes kept meeting his gaze, which looked so close to tears. I buried my face in both hands to block my vision.

“Please, just go…”

“…Hyung, because you are so beautiful and kind to me, I always end up deluding myself. Thinking that you like me. I think I’ll feel that way for the rest of my life. That the Hyung I like likes me back.”

With those words as the end, the sound of the door opening, the sound of Ham Dowon leaving, and the thud of the door closing followed. Only then did I slowly raise my head. In this narrow house meant for exactly one person, I was finally alone. It was still stifling and cramped, but it felt empty. I flopped down powerlessly on the bed. No scent remained. No—it was simply that I couldn’t find a trace of Ham Dowon because I couldn’t distinguish whether the scent was mine or his.

I threw out the trash several times. Ham Dowon had stayed for only a few days, but he had left behind a lot. Curry wrappers, udon packaging, band-aid wrappers and used band-aids, a toothbrush package, the toothbrush Ham Dowon used, several 2L water bottles…

I shouldn’t have told him we should just stay like acquaintances. I should have ignored his messages, and even if he cried, I shouldn’t have gone to him. I thought all those actions were okay because they were things one might do for a close younger friend or junior, but there was no way Ham Dowon could have accepted them that way. Because Ham Dowon likes me. And that’s how it is—you pin expectation and hope on every single action the person you like takes. False hope—that’s truly trashy behavior. It’s not like I was playing a game of push-and-pull. But I was the one who did it.

Ye Hwanyoung: Hey, why are you leaving me on read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ye Hwanyoung: Ah, OppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppaOppa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ye Hwanyoung: Oh, so you aren’t going to read them now???????????????

Ye Hwanyoung: Let’s see who wins!!!!

7 Missed Calls Ye Hwanyoung

My head was a complicated mess, yet Ye Hwanyoung kept contacting me. Aside from that brat, there were no other messages. I couldn’t know if Ham Dowon was sending texts or calling. Because I had blocked his number in advance. There would be no more involvement, and there shouldn’t be.

“…My head really hurts.”

The phone rang again. It was Ye Hwanyoung. Should I block this brat too? Should I just block everyone like that…

“Ah, I want to take a leave of absence…”

Can I even take a leave now? But then if I take a leave, when will I graduate? I’m already twenty-five but still a sophomore.

“This is driving me crazy.”

Everything is just a tangled mess. What leave of absence? I should just go to school. I just have to diligently ignore Ham Dowon. That’s all. If I do that, everything…

“Ham Dowon, Ham Dowon? Is student Ham Dowon not here? This friend hasn’t come again following last week. Is he withdrawing from the class? Or did he take a leave of absence? Is there anyone who knows?”

During the History of Modern Art class, the professor calling attendance knit his brows slightly. No one answered that question. A few people glanced at me. Because I was the person who used to hang around with Ham Dowon.

“I’m not sure. He’s a double major student, so…”

One person answered vaguely, but at the unsatisfying response, the professor only knit his face further.

“Midterms are coming up soon… If he isn’t going to withdraw, tell him to come to the lectures. Don’t ostracize him just because he’s a double major. Now, Hwang Mingyu…”

I toyed with my phone. Should I contact… No, I shouldn’t. So what, am I going to go find him again if Ham Dowon is crying? And do what? Tell him, “I care about you but I don’t like you that way so we can’t date, but my heart is heavy so I’ll look after you”—was that it?

I just gripped the phone tightly. I couldn’t focus on the class at all, and after rubbing my head vigorously, the class was over before I knew it. This is madness. As I was gathering my things, Jo Ari approached hesitantly and asked.

“Oppa, are you in touch with that double major student?”

Jo Ari was the class representative for the History of Modern Art lecture; in exchange for getting slightly better grades, she helped with class preparations and such.

“…I don’t know. You try contacting him. He should be in the group chat.”

“He is, but… I’ve never even spoken to him… Aren’t you close with him, Oppa?”

“We just hung out for a bit, we aren’t close. I don’t know why he hasn’t been coming for two weeks either… I’m not sure…”

Last time it was because the cat was hurt, and this time… what is it? Is it because your heart is hurt, Ham Dowon? He was the type of kid who would come to school even while crying all night. I couldn’t help but worry, but even so, I couldn’t be the one to contact him.

“Try contacting him now.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Now?”

“Yeah. Now. Hurry.”

“Ah, yes…”

Jo Ari looked at me tentatively and fumbled with her phone. Jo Ari glanced at her friends who were waiting for her at the classroom door.

“Um, Oppa… my friends are waiting…”

“Did he not reply?”

“I just sent it… There’s no way he’d read it already…”

“If you hear from him, let me know. What he says.”

If he was going to be like that, he should just contact him himself. Jo Ari’s expression seemed to say exactly that. I left the request behind, pretending not to notice, and walked out of the classroom.

I was stubbornly eating the tasteless school cafeteria food alone when the phone rang.

Ari: (Photo)

Ari: This is what he said.

The photo Jo Ari sent was a screenshot of the chat window.

Ari: Hello. I am Jo Ari from the Department of Plastic Arts. I’m the representative for the History of Modern Art class. The professor asked me to inquire why you aren’t coming to class, if you’re perhaps withdrawing, or if you’ve taken a leave of absence~! (smile) (smile)

Ham Dowon: I couldn’t attend due to personal circumstances. I will attend the next class.

Ari: Ah, okay. I understand~ (smiling peach)

I stared at the text Ham Dowon sent. Acting all stiff when he’s always crying. What “personal circumstances” again? Did the cat get hurt again? Surely…

“…Did it die?”

I was suddenly hit with anxiety. Thinking maybe he couldn’t come out because he was wailing the whole time. Is he at a cat funeral? He’s the type of kid who cried like he was going to faint over a small scratch; if that really happened, what should I do?

But that… what does it have to do with me. It shouldn’t matter. That small, cute, and gentle cat is Ham Dowon’s cat, and whether Ham Dowon cries or not, I shouldn’t be interested. But I couldn’t stop my heart from churning like waves.

“Driving me crazy…”

I left the tasteless cafeteria udon behind and rubbed my face hard. After turning the phone screen on and off several times by pressing and releasing the power button, I immediately sent a DM.