HYUNG 41

Ham Dowon grumbled but went back into the bathroom to wash his clothes, hair, and forehead. He was damp everywhere, looking just like a child who had soaked his entire body after washing his hands incorrectly.

I drove along a familiar road in Ham Dowon’s car. Perhaps because it was Friday and everyone had come out, there was a bit of a traffic jam, and there were many people passing by near where we parked.

“Thanks for the ride. And you don’t have to drop me off from now on. Don’t pack lunchboxes, either.”

I spoke toward Ham Dowon just before getting out. It was a terrible thing to take advantage of someone’s kindness when I didn’t have feelings for them. I couldn’t continue letting things slide just because I couldn’t win against him. But just as I was about to fully step out, my arm was suddenly grabbed and pulled.

“You said it was fine before. You even said the lunchboxes were delicious.”

“That’s… I only let you give me rides because I didn’t know you liked me. As for the lunchboxes… I ate them because you packed them, but… saying I had no choice sounds like an excuse. I’m sorry for that, too. I shouldn’t have eaten them.”

“What does me liking you have to do with anything? Just because you found out I like you, hyung, doesn’t mean more oil is going to come out of the car or something. And I packed those lunchboxes for you to eat, hyung; if you don’t eat them, who will?”

“It’s not like that, but if I keep doing it knowing how you feel, it’s like I’m using your heart.”

I was grateful that he liked me, but leaning on a heart I couldn’t repay was a bad thing. Even though drawing a line was better for him, Ham Dowon stubbornly persisted.

“You can just like me back, hyung. I really like you, hyung. You’re my first love. Can’t you just like me, hyung?”

“…”

Ham Dowon’s eyes were round and moist, making me feel like I was some person seducing an innocent child. It pricked my conscience. Why did his first love have to be someone like me? It would be better if he met a well-suited woman—no, a man.

“Ham Dowon, Dowon-ah. Listen. I’ve never liked a man before. I know you’re a good kid. I have a personal fondness for you, too. But dating is a different matter.”

At first, I had kept my distance, but I gradually began to think of him as a decent guy and was willing to become closer friends. However, that direction was definitely not headed toward a romantic relationship.

“This is the first time I’ve liked a man, too. I mean, it’s the first time I’ve just liked a person this much. Hyung, do you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you. Since I have a favorable impression of you, it’s closer to liking you. I want to become deeper friends. But that and this are different matters.”

“You just have to like me a little bit more, hyung. I like you, hyung…”

“That’s your heart.”

“My heart… right. Since this is my heart, I’m going to keep liking you, hyung. Since your heart belongs to you, hyung, I won’t force you to like me. But I can still ask for a favor, can’t I? Please like me too, hyung. I’m good at many things besides cooking. So, who told you to smile so prettily at people?”

“That’s not my fault.”

“Was it not your fault, but entirely the alcohol’s fault that you hugged me and said you liked me?”

“…”

“You might not have intended it, but… since you were the one who seduced me first, you have to take responsibility for me, hyung.”

“…The gas money and the cost of ingredients…”

“Forget it. I won’t take it! I’m going to spend even more recklessly from now on. I’m going to put truffles and lobsters in the next lunchbox!”

Only after throwing a final, intense tantrum did Ham Dowon let go of my arm. He even went so far as to push me away, and then—Thud!—he slammed the car door as if turning someone away from his house. And as if he absolutely did not want to hear an answer, he immediately started the engine—Vroom—and drove off. Feeling a bit of useless stubbornness myself, I sent him a KakaoTalk message.

[Don’t ever bring a lunchbox again!! I won’t eat it! Send me your account number!!!!]

Ham Dowon’s reply was incredibly short.

Ham Dowon: ♡!

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

While heading to the lecture hall, I ran into Ham Dowon in the hallway. As soon as our eyes met, he beamed and approached me, bouncing as if gravity worked differently for him. When I took a step back in flustered surprise, his lips puffed out in a pout, but he soon smiled again and stuck by my side.

“Hyung, did you eat breakfast?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you eat?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“It’s only natural to be curious since I like you, hyung.”

“That’s exactly why I won’t tell you.”

“Hyung, you’re being childish.”

“I know.”

Inside the lecture hall, I sat at the very edge of a three-person desk so that no one (especially Ham Dowon) could sit next to me. I pulled my chair back as far as possible so there was no space to pass. I didn’t plan on moving even if someone asked me to step aside. This was also very childish. It couldn’t be helped.

I shook my head slowly at Ham Dowon, who was looking down at me. Ham Dowon’s lips twitched.

“Hyung, I didn’t see you that way, but you’re really childish.”

As Ham Dowon obediently went to the back seat, I felt a slight sense of victory—very childishly indeed. That is, until Ham Dowon jumped over that desk and stood next to me. Having lightly hopped over it like a low vaulting horse, Ham Dowon lightly dusted off his hands and sat in the seat next to me.

“…Unbelievable.”

“Hyung, good morning. Come to think of it, I didn’t greet you earlier.”

Ham Dowon turned his body completely toward me. His beaming face was truly obnoxious.

“Hyung, are you really not going to tell me what you ate for breakfast?”

“…Bread.”

Feeling a bit exhausted, I answered him honestly. Ham Dowon blinked while resting his head on his arm.

“What kind of bread?”

“How am I supposed to remember every single detail? I just went to a cafe and ate what they were selling.”

Ignoring his fervent gaze, I sipped the iced americano with an extra shot that I had brought in my tumbler.

“Why the tumbler?”

“Just because I had it. It’s good to reduce plastic use while I’m at it.”

“Ah, so it’s for the environment! Hyung, you’re so cool!”

Ham Dowon’s eyes suddenly sparkled. It was a look that said, As expected, hyung is cool. Hyung is the best!

“Hyung, have you been busy lately?”

“Why do you… just so-so.”

If I asked why he wanted to know, he’d probably say it was because he liked me and naturally wanted to know. It was better not to ask such questions. I just gave a vague answer.

“So that means you weren’t that busy. Then why aren’t you checking my KakaoTalks?”

“You send too many. If I check them, you’ll just send more.”

Ham Dowon had sent all sorts of messages in the meantime. Since I only saw them through the previews, I only saw “hyung, hyung, hyung.”

“Then I’ll send one every second until you look. To the point where it’s a problem because your phone battery keeps draining.”

“Then I can just block you.”

“…Are you really going to block me?”

I was half-joking because he was being stubbornly unreasonable, but Ham Dowon made a gloomy expression with his cheek pressed against the desk. The way he looked up at me from that position was quite pitiful. His cheek was all squished.

“But really, why didn’t you check? I really missed you so much, hyung.”

“To make sure I don’t create any more situations where you might misunderstand.”

“What misunderstanding? Ah… that you might like me, hyung? But hyung, if you check the department group chat and even the advertisement messages but only leave mine unread, doesn’t that mean I’m the only one who is special?”

“…”

“Please look. Or I might start deluding myself even more.”

“I looked, I looked. Happy now?”

I pulled out my phone and opened the chat window. When I held out the screen, Ham Dowon shook his head.

“You have to read it closely. Closely. I poured my heart into every single letter… they aren’t such trivial feelings. Please treat them as precious. When you act like this, hyung, I’m actually very upset, but I’m holding it in.”

“Dowon-ah. Ham Dowon. I’m just trash who treats your feelings as trivial, so go meet someone good who suits you.”

I didn’t actually think Ham Dowon’s feelings were trivial. That’s why it was more difficult. If they were trivial and insignificant feelings, I could just ignore them, but Ham Dowon was too serious. Serious enough that I had no choice but to act seriously as well. But I didn’t want to have that kind of relationship with Ham Dowon. I believed it was impossible. So, I’d rather be seen as trash. Since I failed to draw the line properly because I didn’t realize his feelings, it was true that I had acted badly, even if it wasn’t intentional.

Suppreasing the sigh that wanted to escape, I spoke calmly and softly. Ham Dowon’s face contorted.

“…Don’t talk like that. You’re the only person who suits me, hyung.”

“There are plenty of people prettier and better than me.”

“Is someone prettier than you even a person, hyung? They’d be a fairy. And where in the world are there fairies!”

Ham Dowon clenched his fists.