HYUNG 55

After sweeping aside Ham Dowon’s hair that was touching his ear, I called his name several times. Ham Dowon, Ham Dowon, Ham Dowon… Wake up, Ham Dowon…

“…Hyung?”

His eyelashes fluttered, and finally, Ham Dowon opened his eyes.

“Why are you acting like this here? Didn’t you go home?”

“I did go home to get some clothes and underwear, but… you… said I could stay. My parents aren’t coming until the weekend… and it’s only Wednesday…”

I had meant it in the sense of suggesting he stay for a bit since it seemed like he was having a hard day… but I suppose it could be interpreted this way, too. He wasn’t entirely wrong. I hadn’t spoken clearly.

“Did you sleep the whole time? I kept trying to contact you.”

“You contacted me? I didn’t know… I just slept straight through…”

“Will you be able to sleep at night?”

“Yes. I can sleep.”

Ham Dowon opened his mouth slightly to yawn and rubbed his eyes. I pulled his arm away, so he didn’t get to touch his eyes for long.

So that’s why he didn’t see my messages. I felt relieved. As if Ham Dowon’s face were a canvas, the blue light shimmered over it.

“Hyung, my eyes are itchy…”

“Endure it. I told you rubbing your eyes isn’t good for them.”

“Then scratch them for me. Right here, in the inner corner.”

“Good grief…”

Using the tip of my pinky finger, which had the least strength and was the thinnest, I lightly pressed and rubbed the inner corner of Ham Dowon’s eye. Ham Dowon said, “More, more.”

“But the communal entrance aside, how did you know the passcode to my place?”

“I saw you pressing it. You didn’t hide it and just let it show, so I thought you wanted me to see… Was that not it? Did I trespass and even sleep here?”

“Forget it. You were sleeping well.”

I didn’t bother to tell him that usually, when you share a passcode, you say it out loud rather than letting the person watch you type it.

Ham Dowon, as he blinked his eyes, looked truly devoid of any ulterior motives. For some reason, I felt quite pleased that instead of staying alone in the spacious house where he lived with his family, he had laid his body down alone in my cramped home and narrow bed.

“Why did you turn on the light? I guess you liked it?”

“Just… for a moment, because I was feeling depressed. I’m okay now.”

“I bought tteokbokki and fried snacks. Do you want some?”

“I want some.”

“Get up.”

“But Hyung, did something happen to put you in a bad mood?”

“Why?”

“Just… somehow, when you’re feeling gloomy, you feel like buying something on the way home. I wondered if that was the case.”

Sitting across from me at the table in the dark room with only the ocean light on, Ham Dowon’s voice was just as ordinary as ever. It was likely a question asked with an “if not, then whatever” attitude. While listening to the rustle, rustle sound of the plastic packaging containing the snacks being unwrapped, I blurted out words without even realizing it.

“Yeah. I was in a bad mood.”

“What happened?”

“I was criticized unfairly. While working my part-time job.”

Ham Dowon blinked once. He seemed to have a thoughtful expression, but it was too dark to see clearly. Ham Dowon, who had set aside the wooden chopsticks and disposable spoon, stood up and went to the space that was too embarrassing to even call a kitchen.

The clattering sounds stopped, and metal chopsticks, spoons, and cups appeared on the table. Ham Dowon tucked a pair of metal chopsticks into my hand and poured water from the fridge into two cups one by one.

“Hyung, do you like tteokbokki?”

“Yeah.”

“I like it, too. Do you prefer rice cakes or flour cakes?”

“Rice cakes.”

“What’s your favorite fried snack?”

“Squid. But aren’t you going to offer any words of comfort?”

Just as I was wondering why on earth I was telling Ham Dowon these things, I was hit with these random questions. Feeling awkward about showing my inner self and finding it absurd that Ham Dowon was merely asking about my preferences in snacks, I asked back and immediately regretted it slightly. Ah, comfort. Was I hoping for something like that? It wasn’t such a difficult thing, and I hadn’t wanted that from anyone. Why was I acting like a spoiled child to Ham Dowon?

Ham Dowon searched for only the squid from the bag of fried snacks and pushed it toward me. Then, he replied in the same casual tone as when he first asked.

“I’m really bad at comforting people. Rather than saying something that might accidentally make things worse, I’ll just… listen to you. Whether you curse that person out or suddenly get angry, whatever it is.”

After finishing his sentence, Ham Dowon took a bite of a fried sweet potato after dipping it in the tteokbokki sauce. His slightly bulging cheek was so cute that a laugh escaped me.

“Have you ever worked a part-time job?”

“No. I haven’t. My Mom said I didn’t need to suffer unnecessarily while I was young… Do you think I’m too immature? Is it a turn-off?”

Ham Dowon, who was munching on a rice cake, knit his brows slightly. I dipped the fried squid Ham Dowon had picked out for me into the soy sauce he had poured.

“No. If you can avoid doing it, you don’t have to. I wouldn’t have done it either if it weren’t for the art academy job.”

“Why are you doing the art academy job, though?”

I had been asked many times why I worked a part-time job. By my younger sibling and my parents. Are you short on money? Should we increase your allowance? My parents had asked several times with concern.

My parents, who were self-made entrepreneurs, said they hoped their children wouldn’t suffer while they were young. They said I didn’t have to work part-time and could learn anything I wanted. So I just told my parents not to worry, that I was working the job to learn about social life. I didn’t tell them my true inner thoughts.

“…Because I’m anxious. Because I don’t know what I should do later after graduating from art school. I like painting, but I don’t know if I have the talent to do art for the rest of my life. Still, I want to use what I’ve learned as my major, and I always want to stay in this field… Since many people become art academy instructors, I thought I’d try it once, even just as a part-time job.”

I don’t know why I’m suddenly laying all this out. I think… I just wanted to confess my inner thoughts to someone for once. Since it happened to be a time when my heart was soft and crushed, the words came out more easily than expected. Sitting across from me, Ham Dowon was buried in the darkness, receiving only the faint light from the ocean lamp, so it might have been because it didn’t feel like I was facing a real person.

“I went to a foreign language high school. The English department. I’ve liked drawing since I was young, but I just tried to ignore it. I thought I wanted to become a diplomat or get a good job, to be a child my parents wouldn’t be ashamed of. Since it’s hard to get a respectable job through art, I didn’t even look in that direction. My parents said they didn’t care what I did, but I just closed off that path myself. Then, I couldn’t stand it anymore during my senior year and started.”

This was the first time in my life I had ever uttered such things. I swallowed hard, feeling strangely nervous.

“During the year I spent studying for the entrance exams again, I felt so… guilty. My parents didn’t actually say anything like that, it was just me. I don’t know why I’m like this either. Is it because things weren’t as comfortable as they are now when I was very young? But my parents’ business started doing well right before I entered elementary school. So I didn’t grow up in such hardship. Is it because I got a sibling around that age? I’m not even that close with my sibling. I… I don’t know. But it’s funny. Actually, the usual route would be for me to go to the Department of International Trade and for you to come to our department, but it seems like they’ve been swapped.”

I didn’t like revealing my inner thoughts or showing weakness. I had never done it even with my parents. But I had done it with Ham Dowon. It was truly strange. This moment, my actions, and Ham Dowon himself.

Thinking I was whining like a child, I finished off with a laugh. I know I’m quite lucky. I belong to a fairly well-off group. I was in no position to complain anywhere.

“Hyung, I like your work. I’m not just saying that; I really like it. I can’t declare that you have a talent for art or that art is your path. I’m not qualified for that, and I don’t have that kind of insight. I didn’t know if art was my path either, so I didn’t choose it as my major, and even then, I only did a double major because of the whim that maybe it actually was my path after I got to college. As someone who has lived less than you, I can’t provide any sort of blueprint. But the one thing that is clear is that I really like your paintings.”

I don’t know what kind of expression Ham Dowon was making. He was covered in shadows and couldn’t be seen well. Only a faint noise of unknown origin could be heard. I was a little embarrassed.

After Ham Dowon swallowed for a moment, he continued speaking.