HYUNG 38

Actually, I wasn’t even that hungry, but I just kept repeating that I was hungry for no reason. After taking a shower and drying my hair, I threw on some comfortable clothes and put on my headphones. When I turned on my phone to play some music, I saw a notification I hadn’t noticed earlier. It was a KakaoTalk message.

Ham Dowon: Hyung, sleep well. I hope you dream of me. I’m going to dream of you. Let’s meet in our dreams!!♡♡ 22:21

“…”

Did he send this after going back with a face like he was about to cry? Before, I would have just thought he sent it out of politeness because he wanted to be close friends, but now those words kept coming back to me. The words saying that from now on, whatever he does, it’s all with the intention of seducing me… There had never been a suitor this bold and relentless. And yet, he has a face that looks like he’ll cry if you just tap him… My mind was a mess. Should I send a reply? …No. It’s probably better to ignore it.

We have many overlapping classes, and I don’t know what kind of face I should make when I see him. If I avoid him, he’ll think I’m avoiding him because he likes men. Then he’ll be hurt. I didn’t care whether Ham Dowon liked men or not. The problem was that the object of his affection was me.

I don’t even know how I feel. Is it unpleasant? It wasn’t that. It wasn’t that I felt bad, either. I just felt uncomfortable and flabbergasted. While I felt resentful, thinking it was all too sudden, if I carefully retraced my time with Ham Dowon, it actually wasn’t such an out-of-the-blue occurrence. Ham Dowon had never once hidden his thoughts or feelings in front of me. Even though he showed it clearly through his actions, I was the one who had completely closed off my mind to that possibility. To the point where I thought he was either hot or sick when his face turned that red. This… is my fault. It’s my fault. I should have noticed sooner and made a gesture of refusal—no, when he asked, “Hyung, you like me, right?” I should have shaken my head. In the first place, I shouldn’t have gotten dead drunk at Hwajung noona’s farewell party…

“This is driving me crazy.”

Even though I already knew that a man could like a man, I hadn’t realized it was happening here. I also thought that since I couldn’t like a man, there was no way a man would like me.

That’s how I’ve always been. I only started liking someone after they liked me first; I’ve always just been the one receiving confessions, and I’ve never once been the one to confess.

I have no idea what to do. While eating soup and rice at a 24-hour franchise restaurant, I burned the roof of my mouth completely, but I was so confused I couldn’t even feel the pain.

I trudged through the empty campus and entered the workshop. When I turned on the lights, as expected, no one was there, and there was a smell of harmful oil. Right. I should just paint. This is the school I returned to after three whole years. Since I planned on not playing at romance until graduation, let’s reject him. It’s not because Ham Dowon is a man. Ham Dowon was young, cute, and pretty, but even if he were a woman, I wouldn’t have dated him. …Of course, if he were a woman, I would have noticed Ham Dowon’s feelings long ago and kept my distance on my own.

“I don’t like it.”

The sketch that I thought was drawn well the other day, thinking I just needed to apply the paint now, looked completely terrible. I tried to revise it as gently as possible with a pencil, but the canvas only got messy, so I covered it with gesso again. The gesso diluted with water mixed with the graphite powder, and the surface became a pale gray. I felt like crap. It was simply because the canvas I bought with a lot of money had become dirty. There couldn’t possibly be any other reason. It’s not even cotton but more expensive linen, so it’s natural to feel bad.

Still, if I apply the paint well over this, people won’t know that the canvas was once dirty. That’s the advantage of opaque and thick oil paint.

Time passed quickly as I stared blankly at the empty, somewhat grayish screen, wondering how to start the new sketch. If my phone hadn’t vibrated, I might have been late for class.

Ham Dowon: Hyung, good morning. See you in class later! 9:36

Since the class was at 10:00, it was clear that this was a message Ham Dowon sent while he was on his way to school. Did he decide on this ambiguous time after some deliberation? If he sent it at 9:00, I, who live near the school, might wake up, and if it’s too late, he’d face me shortly after sending it. I’m starting to speculate on every single thing I hadn’t even been conscious of before. These are the thoughts I used to have while looking at a girlfriend’s messages when I was dating.

I was worried that he might skip class because of me, but it seems he’s coming to school anyway. It’s awkward to run into him, but it’s a relief. I packed my things and headed to the printmaking room. Since it was early, that place was also empty of people. I was glad it wasn’t a class where I just sat still and listened. I sat in a seat as far in the corner as possible and placed my bag on the chair next to me. So no one could sit there.

Students entered one by one and filled the classroom. Ham Dowon, who arrived just before 10:00, was wearing glasses, unlike his usual self. He was very different in other ways too. Every time, he wore either a shirt or a knit for his top and slacks for his pants, giving off the impression that he was always dressed up, but today he was in a very casual outfit: a hoodie, a ball cap, track pants, and sneakers. He was even wearing a mask. If it weren’t for his tall height and broad shoulders, I might not have recognized him. Ham Dowon, who was looking around, seemed to lock eyes with me for a moment. Was it an illusion? …Probably not. He sat alone in a seat on the opposite side from me. It seems he doesn’t want to be with me. I would probably feel the same way.

I don’t know much about printmaking, so I had to concentrate throughout the class, but my mind kept drifting elsewhere, and I kept making mistakes. I even ended up getting a scolding from the professor to snap out of it because I might get hurt if I’m not careful.

I left the printmaking room alone, rubbing the ink stains on the back of my hand with my finger. Since Ham Dowon was trying to ignore me, I thought it was right for me to go along with it. I was going to reject him anyway, and it would be better to do as he wants…

“Hyung.”

“…Uh, yeah?”

I reflexively turned my head toward the voice and scent that had become familiar, and I locked eyes with Ham Dowon, who was wearing large, thick horn-rimmed glasses and a mask. His eyes seemed a bit reddish, so I peered closely, but Ham Dowon cringed, covered his face with both hands, and stepped backward.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m ugly today…”

Where did all that confidence go—the attitude that said, “Hyung obviously likes me!”—as Ham Dowon turned bright red all the way to the tips of his ears and felt embarrassed. I wondered why a guy who looks good even in the average college student outfit was feeling so down.

“Hyung, did you eat breakfast?”

“…Yeah. I ate.”

As we walked outside together hesitantly, Ham Dowon asked in a very small voice, and I answered after a moment’s hesitation. This kind of conversation is something that even seniors and juniors originally do, so there’s no need to feel awkward.

“What did you eat?”

“Meat soup and rice. At a 24-hour place.”

But is it okay to ask? Still, it should be fine between people who take classes together. I agonized while glancing at Ham Dowon, and finally opened my mouth.

“Are you sick somewhere?”

“I am.”

“Where?”

Ham Dowon suddenly glared at me.

“My heart. Hyung, my heart hurts so much.”

“Ah…”

I couldn’t exactly tell him to go to a hospital for this… As I became troubled, Ham Dowon narrowed his eyes and suddenly grabbed my wrist and pulled.

“Hyung, let’s go.”

“Where are we going? And let’s let go of my wrist.”

“Why do you keep arguing with me? My heart is already hurting because you tore it to shreds, so why do you keep rubbing salt in the wound!”

“…”

In the end, I couldn’t even ask where we were going and was led away obediently by Ham Dowon. The place where Ham Dowon stopped was in front of his car. Perhaps intending not to give me a chance to argue, Ham Dowon pushed me into the passenger seat first without even saying “get in,” and then drove to a park not far from the school and stopped the car.

“Hyung.”

“…Yeah.”

“I don’t know if you’ll remember since you let everything I say go in one ear and out the other, but I keep all the promises I make.”

“Right…”

Ham Dowon said, gripping the steering wheel tightly and staring straight ahead. I had no idea what he meant. Since it was a confined space and he was the one in the driver’s seat, I was nervous and couldn’t help but flinch at every single movement. When Ham Dowon suddenly turned his head toward me, I even visibly started. However, Ham Dowon’s arm reached for the back seat.

“I made this while thinking of you. I couldn’t even dress properly before coming out because I was making this.”

“…Uh, um…”