HYUNG 24

We got into the elevator together. Since there were already people inside, we stood close to the door. Ham Dowon still had a face that looked as if it were waiting for my answer. Giving him a ride once or twice since we were going in the same direction would be simple and convenient. But to go together every time? There would surely be times when our schedules wouldn’t align, and even though I know being given a ride isn’t something to be taken for granted, I might end up feeling disappointed in Ham Dowon once I got used to the favor. It would also be uncomfortable for me to use my time freely since we would have a prior commitment. And even if it starts out as a willing favor, if it continues, it will become a burden to him as well. A heavy obligation that he can’t take back simply because he offered to do it first.

“Unless you’re going to give me rides for the rest of your life, I won’t take them.”

I laughed as I looked at him, as if making a joke. It was a polite refusal. I could handle the transportation costs and fatigue of going to a part-time job twice a week. However, whether Ham Dowon didn’t understand my intent or he was truly sincere, he nodded without hesitation with a bright, smiling face.

“Yes. I’ll give you rides for the rest of your life.”

“Do you have a religion?”

Since he kept trying to buy me things and do favors even when I said it was fine, I wondered if he was trying to proselytize me or something. It felt like his behavior went beyond simply wanting to get close to a school senior. It was half a joke, but Ham Dowon’s expression changed. He looked a bit anxious.

“Do you have a religion, hyung? Don’t tell me you only date people with the same religion or something? By any chance, if I have a religion… are you over me now? I don’t have a religion… but it’s not like I don’t respect faith and beliefs! Hyung, I don’t care if it’s a Buddhist scripture, the Bible, or the Koran. I’ve been to cathedrals, churches, temples, and mosques! If I’m lacking anything, please tell me.”

While we got off the elevator and walked toward the exit, Ham Dowon made an expression as if he were agonizing alone, then smiled brightly, then put on a dead serious face. Lacking? What’s lacking? And what should I tell him? Having a considerably open and generous mind is very good. It’s good, but…

“…But hyung, you aren’t the type to proselytize to strangers on the street, right? Of course, I think that heart for spreading faith is truly altruistic and pure! You’re giving others the chance to meet God! I mean it! I can even perform ancestral rites well. My family doesn’t do them, but I’ve watched closely when they did them at my relatives’ house. Since my skin is bright, hanboks in any color suit me well and look good on me. I also think our traditional shamanistic beliefs are so great…”

“I don’t have one. A religion. I don’t believe in cults either. My family does perform ancestral rites, but we do them very simply. If there are people proselytizing, I’m the type to avoid even making eye contact. You, too, if someone talks to you on the street, never listen to them and just avoid them. That thing about you having a ‘good impression,’ it’s all a lie, so don’t believe it.”

He was too open. I quickly cut him off and urged him. I was worried that because he showed such an excessively open-minded attitude, he might get dragged off somewhere on the street and end up in some strange place. I could understand Hwajung’s heart now. I started to worry about Ham Dowon as if I had left a child by the water’s edge.

“Do I not have a good impression?”

“…I’m saying if someone you don’t even know says that, don’t believe them.”

That’s not the point! I almost shouted.

“What do you think my impression is like, hyung?”

“It’s good. It’s very good, but don’t believe what others say. Got it?”

Ham Dowon had a face that looked a bit tense, completely unaware of how I felt. I suppressed the sigh that was trying to burst out and barely pulled up the corners of my mouth to smile as softly as possible. I was trying to suppress my burning frustration with a smile. But soon I wiped away the smile and peered at him with narrowed eyes. I wanted to see if he had understood properly.

As soon as I finished speaking, Ham Dowon, who had opened his mouth slightly with a “…Ah,” soon cast his eyes down and lightly bit his lower lip. He slowly raised his gaze, which had been flickering wildly toward the ground, to meet mine, and slowly curled up both corners of his mouth.

“…Yes. I’ll only believe what you say, hyung. So you trust me too and take my car. I’m a good driver. And I really can give you rides for the rest of my life. I’m the type that isn’t very good at lying.”

That posture of making an assertion was similar to the appearance he often showed. A determination that was so out of place for the situation that it looked holy in a way. Right. That was uncomfortable. I quickly backed off.

“I don’t need it for the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m going to work a part-time job for the rest of my life.”

I pushed the door open first and went out. Ham Dowon, who was holding the door while I was exiting, came out a step late and spoke as if appealing to me, as if he never got tired.

“Then just take my car for this semester for now. That’s okay, right? It’s the beginning of the semester now, but when it’s midterm or final exam period, you’ll be tired and busy, so it’ll be exhausting to even take the subway.”

“Then every Tuesday and Wednesday, you won’t be able to meet friends near school, you won’t be able to stay in the library for long during exam periods, and you won’t be able to paint in the studio for long. Because you have to drop me off.”

“I don’t have many friends anyway, and even if I meet them, I can just meet them near home instead of near school. There are way more places to go there. And I can study at home, and I can paint at home. I have a studio and materials at home. I like being home. And talking about work with you, hyung, is fun. I think it’ll help my grades too.”

Is he doing this to me because he doesn’t have friends? Because he’s lonely? It’s true that Hwajung, who is close to him, doesn’t attend school anymore. If I think about it, that guy Ham Dowon was similar to a child who likes his friends so much that he divides up even his own portion to give to them, follows them around every day, and wants to share his friend’s interests. I was like that when I was young, too. I thought that if I gave a lot, maybe we could become very close.

“Hyung, then let’s stop by your house and go together.”

Even thinking rationally and cynically, he’s a kid who has nothing to gain from me. That heart, which must be a pure intention of wanting to keep giving, surely stems from a feeling of wanting to be close to me. But isn’t dropping me off for the whole semester a bit much? Since it’s on his way anyway, does it not matter? Since our schedules almost overlap? Is it okay? Is it fine? Or not? No? While my head was so complicated, Ham Dowon kept pestering me, saying, “Hyung, let’s go quickly. Please?” so I nodded without realizing it.

“Let’s go!”

I couldn’t tell that excited face that it was a mistake.

“…Then I’ll give you gas money.”

“It’s okay. It’s on my way anyway. If it really weighs on your mind, buy me a meal once in a while. I think I like eating with you, hyung. No, I love it.”

The face smiling at me was truly innocent and sunny. He says he likes it enough to smile that brightly just because of something like eating a meal together. For a moment, I felt quite sorry for calculating internally and unconsciously trying to push him away. He really just wants to make a friend.

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

“Hyung, I’m sorry. It’s a bit messy…”

Ham Dowon spoke as if embarrassed, but no matter how I looked at it, it seemed he had gotten a car wash. It was clean before too, but now it was much neater. Both the inside and the outside. It seemed he had cleaned up more during the time I told him to just wait in the school parking lot while I went home to drop off my stuff.

“But I’ve been curious for a while, do you wear perfume? The smell isn’t strong, but…”

I felt like I could smell the scent I had smelled before, so I just asked lightly, but no answer came back. Ham Dowon was being strange.

“Why?”

“Hyung, now you’re even curious about my scent?”

Ham Dowon was squinting his eyes with his body pressed tightly against the wall, glaring at me with a wary look.

“Aren’t you starting the car? I’ll be late for my part-time job at this rate.”

Why is he like that?

“Hyung.”

“What now.”

“Why are you staying still? Don’t tell me… you want me to do it for you?”

“Do what for me?”

“I understand. If you want it that much, hyung…”

I just waited for Ham Dowon to start the car quickly. But suddenly, I felt a strange sensation. What is it? I opened my eyes slowly and almost fainted from surprise. Ham Dowon, leaning his body toward me, was visible very close up.