HYUNG 23

Since the last time I checked the clock was 11:34 PM, it means we were on the phone for over an hour. I was asleep, so it wasn’t exactly a proper conversation, but…

“Wasn’t there something else you wanted to ask about besides that tattoo yesterday? What was it?”

“It’s okay. I asked everything.”

“Did I answer in my sleep? What did I say?”

“Hyung, do you know that saying? They say dreams reflect desires hidden deep within the heart. Well, I think things like talking in one’s sleep are also utterances of the purest truth hidden within the abyss.”

Ham Dowon, with his eyes cast downward, smiled shyly and spouted some nonsensical words that didn’t suit his face. I have no idea what I said in my sleep. Did I say I’d lend him money? Or did I say I’d just give it to him?

“What are you, Freud?”

“I don’t like Grandpa Freud. Though I think his grandson Freud’s paintings are quite good. Still, Grandpa Freud’s research has some value, so I accept certain parts of it.”

“Forget Freud and think about Nietzsche.”

I gestured with my eyes toward the book Ham Dowon was carrying under his arm. It was ⌜Why Did God Die? — An In-depth Look at Nietzsche⌟.

“I don’t want to. Nietzsche isn’t pretty. I hate beards, you see. Besides, these days I’m busy just thinking about you, hyung.”

Ham Dowon hid the book behind his back and glanced at me coyly. Then, as if startled by his own words, he covered his mouth, turned red, and looked at me tentatively.

Why is he acting like that again. Again. So is he saying I’m pretty because I don’t have a beard? He suddenly shouted that I was beautiful last time, too; was it for that reason? Then the world must look quite beautiful to him. This hallway alone was full of people without beards.

And why on earth is he thinking about me. Well, sure… it’s not like I don’t think about Ham Dowon when he’s not around. I wonder why Ham Dowon is like that, what kind of childhood he had, and how he could possess such a massive ego and confidence. I thought about asking Hwajung, but I wasn’t curious enough to follow through, so I always gave up quickly.

“Hyung, where are you going?”

“I’m going to the classroom early.”

“Aren’t you eating lunch?”

“Yeah. I forgot my wallet.”

“Then I’ll buy you a meal! I want to buy it! Me!”

Ham Dowon raised one hand and appealed for himself.

“I know you don’t like being treated by a younger person, hyung… but this is an emergency disaster state. If you can’t eat properly, your brain won’t work and you won’t be able to do your presentation well; and even though it’s not reflected in the score, starting off poorly will leave a bad impression on the professor, and as a result, you might get a bad grade. If your grades are bad, it’ll be hard to get a job or go to graduate school. Youth unemployment is tough these days, so we can’t let social problems worsen. So, let me buy you a meal.”

Ham Dowon rolled his eyes for a moment and then launched into a long lecture. Yes, I’m very grateful for his heart being so willing to buy me a meal. I’m grateful, but. The cause and effect were severely distorted. Me skipping lunch once was by no means an emergency disaster state. I am the child of a fairly well-off family in 21st-century South Korea, living in an era of overnutrition. Furthermore, there’s no way the social problem of youth unemployment would worsen because of it. If I couldn’t get a job, it wouldn’t be because I missed one meal, but because I majored in fine arts. My major might indeed worsen youth unemployment. I don’t know for sure, but he probably didn’t get into this school through the essay track.

“Hyung, do you know what the youth unemployment rate is these days? Last year alone…!”

“Stop it and just go to the student cafeteria.”

I lightly pushed Ham Dowon away and moved toward the student cafeteria. Following behind me, Ham Dowon spouted more random things with an anxious face.

“Hyung, you aren’t just going to watch me eat, right?”

“Why would I watch that? Are you filming a mukbang video behind my back?”

“Hyung, then I can buy it, right? Right?”

“I’m eating something expensive.”

Fine. I guess I can let him treat me for one meal. Skipping a meal wouldn’t promote youth unemployment like he said, but it was certain I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on class. Refusing to be indebted for a few thousand won for a school meal would be no different from declaring I don’t want to be close to him, and I can just buy him a more expensive meal later.

Even though he was the one spending the money, Ham Dowon wore an expression as if he were moved. He even stood next to me and pestered me like a child.

“Then shall we go somewhere other than the student cafeteria? I know a place that makes delicious Japanese tonkatsu! The salad is good, and they’re good at udon too. It’s quick if we take the car!”

“You said you don’t drive often, my foot. You do it every day.”

“Hyung, let’s go!”

“Forget it. Just go to the student cafeteria. There’s barely an hour left; where do you think you’re going?”

“Ugh…”

Ham Dowon dropped his shoulders and acted as if he were disappointed. Did he think I was keeping too much distance usually? He was happy to get the chance to buy a meal, but became visibly disappointed when I said we’d eat something cheap.

“Go to that tonkatsu place next time.”

I’ll be the one buying then. I didn’t say that out loud. Ham Dowon smiled brightly and nodded. For this kid, his likes and dislikes—those emotions—are clearly visible one by one, but I have no idea what he’s thinking; his way of thinking is a complete mystery. He was a truly strange kid.

Because Ham Dowon threw a fit saying he would only eat white rice if I ate the cheapest ramen, we ate the most expensive menu item. It was galbi-tang, but it seemed there were more green onions and glass noodles than ribs. Still, since I had rushed out and skipped breakfast, I felt better once my stomach was full.

The presentation, which didn’t reflect on the score but took up a surprising amount of time, ended, and after finishing the class, I stood up. My mind was at ease because the phone I had charged using Ham Dowon’s charger was fully charged.

“Hyung, where are you going?”

“My part-time job.”

“Then take my car!”

Ham Dowon, who had been sitting next to me as if it were natural, jumped up and followed.

“I’m going to stop by my house to drop off my stuff, so it’s okay.”

My shoulders were heavy because I had brought my laptop, books I wasn’t reading, and even unnecessary things in the morning. Since I was going to work, I wanted to go with a light body.

“Then we can just stop by your house. There’s plenty of parking space there too. From now on, I’ll drop you off every time you have your part-time job. It’s near my house anyway.”

“Why would you go that far?”

“Riding in a big car alone, I always felt uncomfortable because it felt like such a waste of gas. It’s not like a car for one person uses more gas just because two people ride in it. It’s on my way home anyway. And it’s better for you because you get to be with me longer, hyung.”

Ham Dowon smiled brightly, and when our eyes met, he cast his gaze downward. As usual, the tips of his ears and under his eyes were red. Does he have a lot of body heat? Or is it because his skin is so pale that those areas look redder than others? That was a bit fascinating, so I couldn’t even challenge his statement that I would like being with him longer.

“Hyuuung, let’s go together. I get bored while driving.”

“Listen to the radio or some music.”

“I can’t have a conversation with the radio. And I can’t make phone calls. Calling while driving is dangerous. Be my talking companion. And can’t you teach me this and that?”

Walking side by side down the hallway, Ham Dowon pestered me relentlessly. I’m not really the type who is good with words. I’m not the type to make others laugh either.

“Teach you what?”

“Uh… characteristics of the Plastic Arts Department professors or instructors… or what this class is like… things like that…”

“I’m a ‘fossil’ student, so I’m an outsider. I don’t know much either.”

“Still, I’m in the Trade Department and you’re in the Plastic Arts Department, hyung.”

“That’s true. But don’t you know some people in our department? Like those guys from the other day who said they were your school seniors. And Hwajung, who graduated last year, would know much better. I ask her sometimes too.”

“But Hwajung noona is far away, and you’re right here, hyung. We can talk face-to-face.”