HYUNG 59

“I want Hyung to… like me. That is my wish. One that only Hyung can grant.”

Inside my house, Ham Dowon—exuding the exact same scent of my own that lingered on my body—pleaded as if I were the only person in the world who could fulfill that request. It was only when something broad and warm touched my cheek that I faintly opened my eyes. While Ham Dowon’s hand stroked my hair as he pressed his cheek against mine, I deliberated for a moment. Should I tell him I was awake, or should I hide it?

“Hyung, wake up. It’s not good to nap for too long.”

I closed my eyes again. Only when Ham Dowon shook my body did I pretend to wake up, blinking slowly as I sat up.

“Hyung, I bought waffles.”

Ham Dowon smiled brightly with an innocent, harmless face, as if he hadn’t done a single thing to me while I was sleeping. With those lips, he must have kissed me and whispered that confession. My solar plexus churned. I stood up abruptly.

“…I don’t think I can eat them. I forgot I had plans. I’ll be back late tomorrow, so you can just pack your things and head out. I’ll say my goodbyes now.”

“Hyung?”

“Make sure the door is locked tight.”

After stuffing various things into my bag, I threw on my coat and shoved my feet into my shoes. I got irritated because they wouldn’t go on properly even though I forced them in several times.

“Hyung, where are you going all of a sudden?”

Ham Dowon suddenly grabbed my arm. Without even turning my head toward him, I let the words pour out somewhat hurriedly.

“I forgot… I was forgetting. I have plans. …I’d prefer it if you weren’t here when I get back tomorrow. Having someone around is quite bothersome. Right. Go back home. Take every single one of your things with you.”

“…Hyung.”

“Stop calling me. I’m late.”

Slam! I walked out, shutting the door hard. That rough noise echoed and boomed through the hallway, and I crouched down, leaning my back against the door.

“…This is driving me crazy.”

Yes, I was truly a coward. Seeing how I acted out because I felt suffocated—pretending not to know because I didn’t have the heart or the confidence to face Ham Dowon’s feelings, only to lash out when confronted with them. At the same time, I was confused. That clumsy, desperate kiss… was not unpleasant. My solar plexus churned, and conversely, it felt as though my heart was thumping rapidly.

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

What do I want to do with Ham Dowon?

I thought about it all night, sitting in a seat at a PC cafe. Even though I had paid for several hours, I didn’t play a single game, let alone surf the web. I was just staring blankly at the screen.

I dared to hope. That Ham Dowon would stop liking me. If that happened, all the problems and worries between us would be resolved, and that simmering emotion that started with a misunderstanding would soon end—so I thought I should just wait for that time.

I was too arrogant. I shouldn’t have presumed to judge Ham Dowon’s heart so carelessly. There’s no telling when Ham Dowon’s feelings might cool down. What if it lasts for ten or twenty years?

It wasn’t just that. It was also arrogant to assume that a Ham Dowon who no longer liked me would stay by my side. What if he could no longer handle my lackluster side, which he had endured only because he liked me? Honestly, I’m not that good of a person.

“This is driving me crazy…”

If so, should I reciprocate those feelings of Ham Dowon’s? Living together for a few days was not unpleasant, and neither was the kiss. I, too, liked Ham Dowon. But even so, to date? What if my heart is moving in a different direction from Ham Dowon’s emotions? What if, in truth, it was nothing more than friendship? This worry had been holding me back.

Dating is not simple. While wearing masks to show each other the best possible side, one must also naturally open up their inner self. I was so bad at that, which is why things never ended well for me. “You never show your heart,” they said. If things ended that way with Ham Dowon, if we became less than strangers… Just thinking about it made my head ache.

Yes, when a relationship ends, you become strangers. But I like Ham Dowon quite a lot. Enough to want to know him for a long time. I didn’t want to become a complete stranger to Ham Dowon.

Everything was confusing. Someone confesses they like me, and as I become conscious of them, I gradually grow to like them too, so we naturally date. This had been my dating pattern until now. Thinking about it now, I could just accept Ham Dowon’s confession, be conscious of him, and start dating. But it wouldn’t work. Ham Dowon was thoroughly outside of my pattern.

Ham Dowon was unique.

“…I wonder what he’s doing.”

It was already past 4:00 AM. I wondered if he went home. He must have felt terrible. Even so, I shouldn’t have said those things. He was a kid who was shedding thick tears just a few days ago; even if he’s a bit better, it must still be hard right now. …Surely he isn’t crying again. Ham Dowon crying weighed heavily on my mind. After all, he’s pretty when he smiles.

I should go now… and tell him I’m sorry for saying those things earlier. Since he’s a fragile person, he must have been hurt. He’s probably sleeping. But still, what’s wrong is wrong…

I couldn’t decide what to say after apologizing, but my steps were already headed home.

‘Hyung, Hwanoh Hyung… …I like you. Truly, a lot.’

My ear felt ticklish, so I scratched it vigorously on the way home. Since it was dawn, the streets were pitch-black and deserted.

I pressed the door lock code. Perhaps because it was the quiet of dawn, the mechanical beep-beep sounds felt resentfully loud. If Ham Dowon was still there, he might have woken up. Very carefully, making as little noise as possible, I entered the house.

Because it was so narrow, I could see almost everything just by standing at the entrance. Ham Dowon, whom I thought would either be gone or sleeping, was sitting under the bed with his knees pulled to his chest. He was staring blankly ahead, blinking, then slowly turned his head to look at me. Our eyes met, and Ham Dowon jumped up from his spot and strode toward me.

“Hyung, you’re here?”

“…Why are you still here? If you were going to stay, you should have at least been sleeping.”

“I was waiting for Hyung.”

Ham Dowon smiled brightly. Seeing that, my solar plexus suddenly churned, and then all of a sudden, a surge of anger rushed through me. I couldn’t tell why, but it was confusing enough to make me dizzy, and before I knew it, I blurted out the words I had been suppressing.

“Ham Dowon, can’t you just not like me?”

It was a sincere plea. If you didn’t like me, everything would be comfortable. It would be easy. But the reason I felt this way until now was because I didn’t want to upset Ham Dowon anymore. However, it was already too late. A crack had already appeared in Ham Dowon’s once-bright expression. Ham Dowon’s lips quivered.

Ham Dowon’s gaze was slightly above mine. It was because the floor where Ham Dowon stood was higher than the entrance where I stood. Since our eye levels had always been similar, I found myself getting a bit scared for some reason by that look in his eyes as he looked down at me.

“…Hyung. I know you were awake.”

It was an ambiguous sentence, but there was no way I could mistake which moment he was referring to. I kept my mouth shut and leaned heavily against the door.

“I thought that if I called Hyung, you would wake up immediately. But because Hyung stayed still, I got greedy. I wanted to tell you I like you, and tell you to like me, and I also wanted to kiss you. So I did it all. Since Hyung was pretending not to know. I thought I could just pretend not to know that Hyung was awake, too. But I was anxious. Because I didn’t know when Hyung would open his eyes. Yet even though I kissed you several times, Hyung kept your eyes closed.”

“…”

“Hyung, you are so kind. What is me crying that you would skip class and run all the way to the hospital, bring me home, and let me sleep here for days. But Hyung, you aren’t like that to everyone. You only do that to me. That’s all proof. That Hyung likes me. Hyung, you like me.”

Ham Dowon looked at me with eyes that didn’t waver for a single moment. I realized only when my cheek suddenly felt warm that Ham Dowon had taken hold of my face. Ham Dowon brought his face close to mine. Thinking he was going to kiss me, I quickly turned my head away. But what touched me was only a breath tickling my ear.

“Hyung, you like me. You do…”

Looking down at me from a higher position than mine, Ham Dowon’s voice was nothing but mournful and desperate. Saliva pooled in my mouth, but I couldn’t swallow.

“Even if Hyung says you don’t like me… I’m going to keep thinking that way. Because Hyung is kind to me, I’ll think it’s because you like me. I’m going to keep deluding myself like that. That Hyung likes me.”