HYUNG 47

The wind blew. Ham Dowon’s hair and long eyelashes fluttered. The light leaking from the convenience store illuminated only the left side of Ham Dowon’s face. The right side was buried in shadow, making him look somewhat melancholic. And for a moment, the sight of Ham Dowon’s face as he smiled toward me with his eyes slightly closed and his hair swept back, and the red, moist tongue and inner flesh of his open mouth… was a bit much, so I shoved the tube popsicle, its tip already snapped off, into that mouth.

“Ack! Ugh! Hyung! It poked my uvula! Aaack!”

“Just eat quietly.”

“Che… it really hurts…”

I felt strange. Why did I feel strange? Well, because I had been drinking. Besides, it was Ham Dowon’s fault. To an acquaintance sunbae or a hyung, acting like that… Right, people don’t act flirtatious like that.

“Hey, you, behave yourself.”

“Yes?”

“I said behave yourself.”

I was so flustered that I ended up saying something only a “kkondae” sunbae, who tries to establish discipline among younger hoobae for no reason, would say.

“What about?”

“…Eat properly.”

After picking a needless fight with a kid who was quietly sucking on his popsicle just fine, I crunched and crushed the body of my own popsicle with my molars. My mouth was entirely cold.

I slumped my body into the plastic chair and sat at an angle, continuously sucking and chewing on the popsicle. The pear-flavored popsicle was sweet. I don’t care much for actual pears, but this was okay to eat once in a while after drinking. In the meantime, Ham Dowon, who had finished off his ice cream, glanced at me and eventually tore open a package and put a jelly in his mouth. The tail of a long, worm-shaped jelly hung outside Ham Dowon’s lips and dangled.

“You’re not a child.”

White powder from the surface of the jelly got on Ham Dowon’s handsome chin. Since that bothered me, I instinctively reached out and brushed it off, and Ham Dowon blinked. Ah, I made a mistake. I was the one who needed to behave myself.

“Hyung.”

“…What.”

“You eat some too, hyung.”

“Ugh!”

Ham Dowon shoved two jellies into my mouth.

“You have to chew.”

When I just sat there holding them in my mouth, Ham Dowon placed his hand under my chin and pressed up firmly. Only after being forced to chew twice by Ham Dowon’s hand did I brush his hand away.

“What was that for.”

Hehe, Ham Dowon let out a sound like that as he laughed. The area under his eyes was still red, but his complexion looked as if the alcohol was fading a little. Ham Dowon, curling the corners of his mouth as if it were truly fun, let out a small laugh.

“Hyuuung.”

“What.”

“Hyuuung.”

“What again.”

“Just because. I just feel pretty good today. I guess it’s because I drank.”

“…Just eat your jellies.”

I shoved a handful of worm jellies into that mouth and turned my head. It was embarrassing because he had an expression that looked truly happy.

That jerk Ham Dowon, he said he wouldn’t show that he liked me, but then again, there are guys who just giggle when they drink; I’m like that too when I get more drunk, but the alcohol, ah, that damn alcohol! If only I hadn’t drunk at Yoo Hwajung’s farewell party, Ham Dowon wouldn’t have had any reason to make such a misunderstanding…

“Oh, oppa. Hello!”

“…Oh. Hi.”

A girl passing in front of the convenience store waved to me. She was a girl who used the same studio, and we had exchanged words two or three times because of classes.

“Oppa, have you been drinking?”

“I have.”

“Then get home safely.”

That girl, whose name I couldn’t even remember, walked away while waving her hand diligently.

“For someone who said he was a ‘fossil’ and an outsider, you certainly know a lot of people, hyung. And they’re all women.”

“Because our department is female-dominated.”

Is Ham Dowon jealous right now? I couldn’t tell just by looking at his face as he crunched on a bar of chocolate. I couldn’t tell if it was an expression that the sweet chocolate was delicious, a lightheaded expression from being drunk, or if he was in a bad mood. It was impossible to know.

“Hyung, how about coming to our department?”

“What would I do learning about trade?”

“It would be more useful than art, at least.”

“That’s true…”

Anything in the world would be more useful than art. It was a fact I already knew, but since Ham Dowon was being obnoxious saying it, I snatched the chocolate away and crunched on it. The tooth marks Ham Dowon had made on the chocolate gradually disappeared, and only the marks in the shape of my teeth remained.

“On that subject, why did you do that ‘useless art’ then? Because your mother runs an academy?”

“Yes. My noona draws too, so just naturally… Drawing is fun, but I gradually got confused about whether I was doing it because my parents wanted it or because I wanted it. I didn’t like that, so I didn’t go to art school.”

“Ah, that’s right. You said you went to the Department of Trade because you didn’t know if you really liked art. But then you said you were confused about whether you really didn’t like art. That’s why you’re dual-majoring in our department.”

Getting fed up, I shoved the chocolate back into Ham Dowon’s hand. Ham Dowon crunched on the chocolate again, which still had a bit of my saliva on it, and chewed without any hesitation.

“Once I actually went to a different department, I wondered if I had done that out of a sense of rebellion against my parents. So I wanted to try it properly once. If I try it as a dual major and think it’s really good, I can transfer, take the entrance exam again, or go to graduate school. If it turns out it’s not for me, that’s fine too in its own way.”

“You’re really… weird, anyway.”

It was strangely funny to see him talking about such a serious story while having chocolate smeared all over his lips. When I chuckled, Ham Dowon looked at me sideways.

“Why, do you find me funny too, hyung?”

“Who else said that?”

“My noona. She said she’s never seen a guy as funny as me. She said if I’m going to do it, I should do it, and if not, I should stop; what kind of behavior is this? She says if I’ve let go of it, I should let it go, but instead I’m acting neither here nor there, full of lingering regret.”

“I think it’s cool. It’s a decision you made after thinking hard about what you really like. The art you did for a long time—it wouldn’t have been an easy decision to let it go. Same with facing it again. Anyway, isn’t it something you could only do after looking straight into your own heart?”

I’m serious. I was really bad at looking into my heart and figuring out what I liked or didn’t. Even when I started to like something, I tried hard to ignore it.

I feel it’s far too late to look at that now. And because I kept putting it off and putting it off, I only started art belatedly when I became a senior in high school. Even if I ignored the path I wanted to take because I didn’t want to look fickle, it was impossible to go only in the direction I had set early on. In the end, after going round and round, I arrived at the place I had ignored at a time much later than others.

“Since you put it that way, hyung… I think I feel a bit better. …Not for any other reason! It’s just that not many people have told me that until now. When I quit art, I was reprimanded and asked why I was doing that when I had talent, had done it for a long time, and had parents who would support me; and when I said I was doing it again, I got an earful about why I was being so peculiar.”

“It’s true that you’re peculiar, but I think that’s fine. If there are ordinary people, there have to be peculiar people too. And you’re still in your early twenties; isn’t it okay to wander a bit? Someone my mom knows only went back to oriental medical school and nursing school after they were over thirty.”

Talking about someone else’s business, I sure speak easily. Even though I, without any intention of wandering because I thought it was too late, just stayed stagnant in one place and made belated choices every time. Even while thinking every time that the art I finally started might not be my path, I was ignoring that feeling. It was because I felt it was too late to look elsewhere since I had started art late and already made it my major. I was really bad at making new choices. Because what I had done up until then felt like a waste, and because unfamiliar things were scary, I tried hard to ignore other things even if I was drawn to them. Even I thought I was a pathetic coward.

“…Anyway, that’s why I think you’re cool. Being able to talk about your inner thoughts well, too. I’m really bad at that. Maybe it’s because I’m the eldest son, but I hate showing my weak side to others.”

“It’s not very easy for me to talk about myself either. I don’t like it. I’m only doing it because it’s you, hyung.”

“Because you… me…”

Like me? The forced promise I made to ignore those feelings almost broke again for a second. I quickly shut my mouth, and Ham Dowon finished eating the remaining chocolate. It seemed I was the only one flustered. Ham Dowon’s face, which had been so flushed, was pale before I knew it.

“Because if it’s you, hyung, you’re trustworthy. You’re not the type of person to go around spreading other people’s business. And I wanted to tell a person, too. Our Saja is really bad at listening. I don’t even know if he understands properly.”