HYUNG 14

Ham Dowon, who had slumped into his chair, placed a white paper bag onto the table. Just as I was about to ask why he had bothered to buy something like this when it was not his first time visiting, the logo printed on the paper bag finally caught my eye. Even though I usually have no interest in desserts, the name of the shop was familiar. I felt like I had seen it somewhere… Ah, I remembered seeing it while searching through the links Ye Hwanyoung had sent me. Right. She told me I absolutely had to buy something from there.

“Is this place famous?”

“Yes! It is veeery famous! If you go even a little bit late, everything is sold out, and the most famous ones like the Mont Blanc or the Salt Caramel cake are really hard to get. They are so famous they do not even appear on broadcasts. They say it would just make more people swarm the place. This is the Mont Blanc, and this is the Salt Caramel cake.”

Ham Dowon carefully opened the box he took out of the bag and pointed to each of the cakes, which looked as beautiful as models. They were so pretty they were on a completely different level from the Mont Blanc Ye Hwanyoung once claimed she made and told me to try. They probably taste good, too. Mont Blanc was on the list of things Ye Hwanyoung told me to buy. But how was I supposed to carry that? It would be completely ruined during the trip.

“You would have to wait a long time to buy these, right?”

“Yes, a bit… They sell out so often that some people wait in front of the shop just to eat them as soon as they open.”

“…Is that so. My younger sibling told me to buy cakes from here…”

I figured there would be a wait, as is typical for famous places in Seoul. But to the extent of having to wait since opening? I imagine the situation at other places would be similar; was she really telling me to stop by several places like that? That jerk Ye Hwanyoung, always acting so smart, still did not know how the world worked. While I felt annoyed and thought her impudent, on the other hand, that immature side of her was also cute.

“Does your sibling like cake?”

“Yeah. She wants to go into the baking and pastry field.”

“A patissier?”

“To be precise, not exactly that… My family runs a rice cake shop. She says she wants to take over the shop, study professionally, and make new types of rice cakes combined with things like cakes or bread… I think she might just like eating.”

My parents operated a fairly large rice cake shop in the region. They said since we were young that we did not have to carry on the family business, but Hwanyoung, perhaps finding the shop too precious to let go, had been pestering them to hand it over since she was little. Even though she seemed immature, she was quite a dependable younger sister, so I had always thought she was fairly admirable. Even so, exploiting her oppa in this manner was quite impudent.

“Anyway, so since I am heading home this time, she told me to buy famous cakes and bread from Seoul… I am not a wizard, so I cannot stop by multiple places like this. Honestly, she thinks her oppa is a pushover.”

“Should I help you a bit?”

“You?”

“Yes. This place is run by my aunt and uncle. My aunt makes the cakes, and my uncle makes the bread. Besides, my dad loves cake, so he is quite close with the owners of famous places. He even waits in line to buy them himself. There is a lot of bread at home too. He buys tons of financiers and madeleines and packs the freezer full. There is even a separate refrigerator just for bread.”

The sight of Ham Dowon fidgeting with his fingers and speaking cautiously before giving a bright smile felt, for the first time since I met him, quite dependable.

“Still, you can buy them if you wait. I do not want to be a nuisance.”

However, it was embarrassing and uncomfortable to jump at the offer of help from a guy I had known for less than a week. We were not close enough to ask for a favor beyond simply buying a meal or coffee. I absolutely hate being indebted. It was not like I would have any appropriate way to help him in the future.

Ham Dowon shook his head vigorously. It was to the point where his well-styled hair became disheveled.

“No! It is not a nuisance at all! I like doing things like that! I have been going there often with my dad since I was little, so I like cakes and bread too, and… Ah, my dad also says it is good to share delicious things, so he gives gifts to people around him, and my aunt told me to contact her whenever I want to eat cake… It is really okay! I can help you, hyung!”

Ham Dowon appealed to me quite passionately. If he can help, I would be grateful, but… it is burdensome. Why go to such lengths? I almost reached out my hand toward his disheveled bangs on his forehead as he shook his body and delivered his speech so hard. I thought of him as a kid, a kid, and I almost treated him like I treat Ye Hwanyoung or Soyoon. Ham Dowon, who stiffened and closed his eyes tightly with his eyelashes trembling, only felt like a child; he was not actually a child. He was around the same size as me, or maybe even a little taller.

“…Hyung, when are you going down home?”

Ham Dowon slowly opened his eyes and exhaled as if slightly relieved. He must have felt uncomfortable. I should definitely be more careful in the future.

“Since I only have morning classes on Friday, I was planning to go on Saturday morning after attending classes and buying bread, but if it is to the point where I have to wait that much, I am thinking of buying them on Saturday and going home in the evening.”

“Go home on Saturday morning. I will help you. I do not have classes on Friday.”

“You do not have to help me to the point of giving up your day off. It is not like I absolutely must buy them.”

I was really fine. Helping me while even giving up his precious day off was excessive. I did not want to take up his time. Instead of not being able to buy them, if I tell Hwanyoung that I will stop by various places in Seoul with her later, she will feel better even if she was sulky. Though that sulkiness would last quite a while…

“Still, your sibling said they wanted to eat them! Even if I cannot pluck the stars or the moon for you, I can at least bring you some cake!”

Ham Dowon suddenly grabbed my hand as if he were getting a bit impatient. He was appealing to me so desperately that it became even more burdensome. Why the sudden outburst? Buying some cake should not be a task on the level of plucking the stars or the moon. It had been less than a week since I knew him. We were by no means close.

“Hyung, it is not a difficult task. I am sure my aunt will like it too… I really want to help you, hyung… If you keep refusing, I will be upset.”

Ham Dowon truly looked like his feelings were hurt. Suddenly, words I had heard from someone in the past came to mind.

‘You seem to treat people casually, yet you keep drawing lines. You do not easily give people a chance to get close.’

Those were words I heard from someone I had bought ice cream for. It was absurd. I had bought ice cream for that friend many times. Because I really wanted to get close.

‘If I disliked you, why would I have bought ice cream so many times?’

‘You never give me a single chance to buy. You just hate the idea of being indebted to someone so much that you would rather be a person who spends your money and time wastefully. You are not being generous or kind.’

I did not understand at that time. If you like someone and want to be close, isn’t it natural to want to spend money and time? Even if it is a friend, not necessarily a lover. I came to know the reason a bit later. If my heart feels that way, then the other person also wants to spend time and money to get close to me, but I was not giving them that opportunity. If it is only a one-sided giving rather than a mutual exchange, the relationship cannot progress further.

I do not know if I want to be close with Ham Dowon. However, he did not seem like a bad or poor enough kid to block that opportunity.

“But how about you let go of my hand while talking.”

Perhaps refusing repeatedly might not be polite. Being too conscious of manners might also make the other person uncomfortable. But that does not mean holding hands is also okay.

“Ah! I—I am sorry! Hyung! I have not made up my mind yet, but acting like this… Is—is this what they call hope torture? I should not be doing this… It is not polite…”

Ham Dowon’s hand was surprisingly soft and warm, so it was not unpleasant, but the thought of some guy holding my hand in my studio apartment gave me goosebumps and made me feel uncomfortable. Ham Dowon, who was excessively startled, quickly let go of my hand, jumped up from his chair, and backstepped quickly toward the entrance.

I wondered if he was going home just like that again, but fortunately, that was not the case. Standing blankly at the entrance in his socks, covering his beet-red face with his hands, Ham Dowon rambled on with nonsensical words, then got startled again by his own face reflected in the entryway mirror and covered his bright red ears with both hands this time.