HYUNG 63

My words must have been very unexpected. Whether she had been inwardly terrified, Ye Hwanyoung blinked and her expression changed to one of relief. Her slightly flushed face seemed to hold excitement, fear, and shyness all at once. I slowly stroked her head.

“Yeah. It’s cool. You put a lot of hard work into agonizing over it and made a courageous decision. I’m not good at things like that. Because I’m a coward.”

“Oppa, you were attending a foreign language high school and then suddenly started art. That took courage too.”

“How indecisive and procrastinating must I have been to only decide once I was a high school senior? I only chose because I was pushed to the edge of a cliff. You’re much better, Ye Hwanyoung. You separate what’s fun from a career path, and your dreams are big. Is it because you’re young?”

“Twenty-five is still young too.”

This time, Ye Hwanyoung used her uninjured hand to gently stroke my hair. I said, “I’m sweaty,” and she recoiled in horror, saying “Eww!” and pulling her hand away, though.

“…I agonized over it for a very long time too. Worrying that art, which I’d finally started, might not be my path. I was always anxious. But someone told me this. That while he couldn’t say for himself if art was my path, he really loved my paintings, and that since there are many paths besides art, I should look around and agonize over it fiercely. Painting is really fun. It’s fun… but making it a career is a different matter. I have no confidence, no certainty…”

It was the first time I had ever said something like this to Hwanyoung. I always had to remain as the much older oppa, the smart oppa, the worry-free oppa, and so on; that’s how it was. Hwanyoung hesitated, and then this time she began to fiddle with my ear. In the middle of that, I giggled because it was funny how she picked a body part that wasn’t sweaty, and she pinched my ear.

I thought of Ham Dowon, who had said he liked my paintings very much. I thought of that face of Ham Dowon’s that didn’t feel cold even under the blue light, with the flickering blue light while only the sea mood lamp was on in the darkness.

“No one can be certain. It’s not like we can see the future. I’m reeeeally scared too. How many things in this world are started with absolute certainty? Everyone is anxious and afraid.”

Despite having lived seven years less than me, Ye Hwanyoung spoke as if she were teaching me like a sage. It was funny to see her, who was always immature, acting so grown-up, but it was also admirable, and at the same time, grand and cool.

“Our parents’ business is doing well and our family has plenty of money, so why worry so much? Haven’t you heard the news? Mom is going to put up another building and open another branch. She said they might even do a pop-up store in a department store in Seoul. Our family business is doing great! If I have a hand in it, it’ll do even better. If Oppa says he wants to stay in school until he’s fifty, I’ll support you. By then, I’ll have started working too. Ah, what the hell, I’ll even send you to study abroad! Aren’t you grateful?”

“Yeah. I’m veeeeery grateful.”

“Then stop worrying so much. It’s annoying when kids from well-off families live with nothing but worries. Isn’t it nice to live with your head full of flowers? Play a bit, and like that person said, look around too. Would there really be only one path in the world? Even if you aren’t certain, try going down other paths, wander a bit, that’s how it is.”

“You’re only a high school sophomore. And what’s with ‘head full of’? Saying ‘head’ to your oppa.”

“Ah, seriously! As long as you understood, it’s fine!”

When did this girl, who used to always have a runny nose and cry or just get annoyed, grow up like this? Without realizing it, I must have gotten choked up. Before I could even feel my eyes getting hot, I sniffled, and Ye Hwanyoung made a disgusted face.

“Ah, why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying.”

“Your eyes are all red.”

“It’s allergies.”

“I told you, if you’re going to lie, at least make it sophisticated.”

While grumbling, Ye Hwanyoung pulled out a tissue and roughly rubbed my eyes rub rub. I shouted that it hurt, but she kept doing it until she got a scolding from Mom, who had just walked in, and this time she got a real smack on her back instead of the pillow. Ye Hwanyoung kept grumbling, yet she finished an entire bowl of the nutritious chicken porridge our parents had bought, and then she took Mom’s card, dragged me to the convenience store, and went on a massive spending spree.

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

Ye Hwanyoung: I’m going to tell Mom and Dad, so you keep it a secret. Just you try telling them.

Inside the bus heading back up to Seoul, a message came from Ye Hwanyoung, whom I had unblocked. My parents had told me to stay the night since I was already there, but I had class tomorrow, so I was forced to return to my studio apartment.

Ye Hwanyoung: Seeing as the ‘1’ disappeared, you must have unblocked me, so why aren’t you replying?? You’re leaving me on read again!?!?!?!

I was about to send a reply when the impatient Ye Hwanyoung pressured me.

k

Ye Hwanyoung: Excuse me. A little effort, please.

I got it. Think about it hard and then tell me. Our parents will listen to most of it anyway. But stop getting into accidents now. Why would you ride a handcart? You know Dad has a weak heart. When you flew off that swing, Dad’s lifespan probably decreased by 10 years already. 20 years including today.

Ye Hwanyoung: Then Dad will only be able to live until he’s 100. And it’s not like I knew I would get hurt. I’ve already been scolded enough, stop it!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s late, so sleep. Don’t stay up all night just because you aren’t going to school.

Ye Hwanyoung: I’m going to sleep. Whether you get home safely or not.

Whether she was really sleeping, there was no reply from Ye Hwanyoung. After going down to my family home in a state of frantic shock and trying to return to my studio apartment at a late hour, a yawn came out naturally from exhaustion. It felt as if my body was drooping now that the tension had been released. I blankly repeated turning my phone screen on and off, then unlocked it and looked at the screen.

[Unblock]

I hesitated for a long time with my thumb resting on it, but in the end, I couldn’t press it. What would I do after pressing it? Was I going to contact him? Then what would I say? “The 2D art midterm presentation is next, next week. So, good luck.” I wasn’t going to just say that and hang up.

I was drawn to Ham Dowon, I was concerned about him, and I even had a crush on him. But no matter how much I agonized over it, it wasn’t clear; it was only blurry. If someone asked if I liked Ham Dowon in the same direction and manner as he liked me, I couldn’t answer yes. I don’t want to hurt Ham Dowon anymore. That was the only thing I could be certain of right now. In the end, I turned off the screen.

I took a taxi back from the terminal to my house. The inside of the house was pitch black and empty. It was truly strange how it felt hollow despite being narrow. I drew the curtains, turned on the sea mood lamp, and lay down. I have to change my clothes, I have to wash up, I have to sleep soon. I have to go to class tomorrow. It’s packed from morning to afternoon…

“…It’s pretty.”

You picked a good gift, Ye Hwanyoung. Looking at the flickering blue light, it felt as though my heart, which had been racing from working hard all day, was getting some rest. I wonder what Ham Dowon thought while lying together on this cramped bed. Was he gloomy thinking about the injured Saja? Or was he happy to be with me? Was his heart fluttering? Did he end up getting his hopes up again? Thinking that I might like him too?

Why did I go that far back then? Even if it had been a close junior or a friend, I would have gone to the hospital. Because I was worried. …But while being concerned, I would have sent them home. I wouldn’t have brought them to my house to stay for several days while comforting them. Was it because Ham Dowon crossed the wall I had built? What is the name on the door that Ham Dowon opened? A close junior? A friend? Something else besides that?

When I rolled over in confusion, the desk next to the bed shook and a pen fell thud to the floor. I reached my hand deep in to pick up the object that had hit the desk leg and rolled roll roll under the bed. Since it was dark and hard to see, I turned on the phone light and shone it inside. I saw something. No matter how I looked at it, it didn’t seem to be a pen, but I reached my arm in further, fumbled around, and pulled it out. That object, which had a bit of dust on it, was,

“…Mint candies.”

It was a tin case with a logo in English embossed on it.

I flicked off the dust tap tap and slowly opened the inside. Instead of mint candies that had a refreshing and sharp scent, what was contained inside were fruit candies coated in white powder. You know, the imported candies sold in glass jars or large tin cases. It seemed he had portioned them out in his own way. Since he’s a guy who loves sweet things incredibly much. I hesitated, then put one in my mouth. It was sweet and tart. It tasted like a fruit I couldn’t identify.

I rolled it around in my mouth, sucking on it, and then crunched it down. Three out of the four pieces. And when only exactly one was left all alone, I closed the lid of the tin case. My mouth felt sticky.

…He said this was important. That it was expensive because it was from abroad… and that he eats them often. He even said he absolutely had to find them.