HYUNG 44

I use shampoo. The kind sold at the supermarket, a product from a major corporation… Is he criticizing me like this? But how would he know what kind of shampoo I use? I don’t know why he’s suddenly into that stuff. Still, since he said he’s doing something beneficial for the world, I didn’t really have any intention of stopping him.

“Hyung, touch it. My hair is soft.”

“Um, do I have to?”

“Touch it. I’m telling you, it’s really good.”

Ham Dowon lowered his head slightly and offered his hair toward me. His wavy hair looked glossy and healthy, but what was this… It felt like a dog. I don’t mean it was bad; I mean he was like a puppy acting cute to be petted.

After a moment of hesitation, I eventually patted that hair lightly. It was because the situation of pretending not to know Ham Dowon’s feelings—which we both knew—was so awkward that I was a bit confused about how to act.

“You’re right. It really is soft.”

“Right? It’s soft.”

Ham Dowon closed his eyes and smiled softly. The tips of his ears and the area under his eyes were red. Even if Ham Dowon didn’t say he liked me and I ignored that fact, those things were visible now that I knew. I became self-conscious for no reason and quickly pulled my hand away. As if the faint sensation that had tickled my fingers still remained, I repeatedly curled and uncurled my hand slowly.

“…Let’s pick a photo now.”

After clenching my fist so hard that the bones on the back of my hand stood out, I pulled out my phone. We had to draw each other’s portraits as an assignment for our 2D art class. Sitting him down in front of me to use as a model like in the old days was inefficient, so I had to pick a suitable photo…

“Hyung, do you like taking selfies?”

“No, I hardly ever take them. You?”

“I’m not very good at taking selfies, but my dad loves taking photos, so I have a lot. He’s taken one every year on my birthday since I was one… He says it’s so he can see how much I’ve grown later.”

The child in the phone Ham Dowon held out was clearly a young Ham Dowon. As Ham Dowon swiped through the photos, the child gradually grew up and became his current self.

“Is this from this year?”

“Yes. This year.”

Ham Dowon, wearing a white shirt with all the buttons done up, was staring into the camera. Truly… he’s radiantly pretty. There probably weren’t any special lights or equipment, but he was quite brilliant.

“Your father must love you a lot.”

“My dad?”

“Yeah. The photo is so beautiful. How else could it look like this? Your family must be really harmonious.”

The face of Ham Dowon in the photo, smiling with his eyes half-closed as if squinting slightly, looked very happy. Without realizing it, the corners of my mouth curled up. I had been a bit concerned since he said he was compared to his noona before… but it was a needless worry. He was a kid who grew up being loved very much.

“You came out looking very lovely…”

Ah, am I allowed to say something like that? Am I shaking him up for no reason? I stole a glance at Ham Dowon. He was just looking at the photo without saying a word. After feeling a bit relieved internally, I quickly changed the subject.

“You can just draw with this one. Send the photo to my email. Then mine…”

I quickly searched through my unorganized gallery. This one was a shot of me eating to send to my mom, this was a photo of a cake I took to tease that jerk Ye Hwanyoung, then next, next, next…

“…Ah.”

I ended up being excessively surprised by the small face I discovered on the screen.

“What is it?”

“…A photo taken in America.”

Because I was watching Ham Dowon’s reaction, I couldn’t even turn off the screen. Since the photo had already been seen, I couldn’t even deny it; I showed the photo taken with my ex-girlfriend exactly as it was. It was a photo where my ex-girlfriend had her arm on my shoulder and was kissing my cheek, so I couldn’t even say she was just a friend. Is he okay? Is he going to cry again…

“This is backlit, so I don’t think I can draw it unless I edit it a lot. And if I crop the person next to you, I think it’ll look strange. I don’t think I can do the assignment with this. Don’t you have other photos?”

“…Huh? Oh… A suitable one… there isn’t one.”

Ham Dowon frowned slightly, but it didn’t seem to be because of my ex-girlfriend. He seemed dissatisfied because the photo looked difficult to draw.

I hurriedly looked for other photos, but there were no suitable ones, and eventually, I had to close the gallery without any results.

“Hyung, I can borrow a camera from my dad; should we take a photo with that?”

“…I have a camera too. A DSLR. If we’re going to take it properly, there’s a small studio, so we can rent it from the department office and use it. There are lights, too.”

“Then let’s do that.”

Ham Dowon smiled faintly. He was acting just like a junior I know. I was relieved. But I also felt a bit strange…

Looking back and thinking about it carefully, Ham Dowon was always jealous of someone in front of me. Yes, he was jealous of everyone… my ex-girlfriends, probably even his own noona, other students… so it wasn’t strange that this attitude felt unfamiliar.

Hah, driving me crazy. Since Ham Dowon doesn’t show it at all and doesn’t act however he wants, there’s nothing for me to get caught up in, so I have more room to breathe and end up thinking more. About all the actions of his that I had indifferently let slide.

“Hyung, when should we take the photo?”

“…Should we take it today? Do you have your ID? To rent the studio, you have to leave your ID. I think I left mine behind.”

“I have it.”

“Then rent the studio. The department office closes at 6:00. In the meantime, I’ll stop by the house and get the camera.”

It’ll be okay once I get a bit more used to it. It’s because this is the first time such a thing has happened, so it must still feel unfamiliar.

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

“You know how to use a camera, right?”

“Yes. I know. This is the one my dad uses, too.”

While I was bringing the DSLR I had tucked away somewhere, Ham Dowon went inside the studio he had rented. Something was covering the windows, so it was dark. Ham Dowon, who was looking around at the camera, skillfully began to operate it with a click, click.

“Hyung, I put a chair there, so try sitting on it.”

I sat hesitantly on the small stool standing in front of the backdrop. As expected, taking photos is always awkward. When I frowned for a moment because the light Ham Dowon had turned on in advance was dazzling, Ham Dowon, looking blurry beyond the light, spoke.

“Hyung, I don’t mind drawing you frowning, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing to show that to the professor?”

“Ah. Is this okay?”

“Lift your head just a little bit. Yes, exactly that much.”

I tilted my chin up slightly and stared at where the camera lens would be. I heard the click-click sound, and I got a little nervous. It felt like I was being exposed with nowhere to hide. As expected, Ham Dowon noticed too, as the shutter sound stopped.

“Hyung, you’re really stiff right now.”

“…Sorry.”

“I understand. A camera is just like a gaze. Besides, there are bright lights, so it feels like someone is staring intently. I was like that when I was little, too. But my dad said this. You can just think of the dad behind the camera instead of the camera, so why get so nervous? It’s not the camera, it’s Dad looking at you. You just think of it as me looking at you, hyung.”

“…”

He seemed to have said it to help me relax, but it only made me more uncomfortable. Think of it as you looking, Ham Dowon? You’re not a total stranger; you? There’s no way it could be comfortable. You… toward me…

“Hyung, shall we rest for a bit?”

“Sure…”

Ham Dowon lowered the camera, and I slumped my shoulders. I’m the one who said I’d pretend not to know your feelings from now on, but it seems I’m the only one being conscious. It’s not the first time someone liked me or that I acted while pretending not to notice those feelings.

When Ham Dowon met my eyes, he would quickly look down, but he also looked at me persistently and surreptitiously. I didn’t notice it during the time I didn’t know about Ham Dowon’s misunderstanding and his feelings, but after that, I couldn’t help but know. He was conscious of me the whole time and watched my reactions. Thinking about that gaze, my heart naturally felt uncomfortable. Even if he doesn’t do that now, the gaze of Ham Dowon that I’m familiar with was like that.

Get a grip. I have to pretend not to know. Because I said I would do that first. Ham Dowon is just a junior I know, and he doesn’t even like me. And this is just for an assignment.

I repeated it for a long time as if brainwashing myself, and I even almost slapped my cheeks, but I held back because I couldn’t have a photo taken with a red face. Whether taking a few deep breaths was effective, fortunately, I was able to more or less finish up.

“Hyung, this should be enough, right?”