HYUNG 37

“During Hwajung noona’s farewell party! First, you said I looked pretty, and then you hugged me saying you liked being together so much, and you were the one who flirted first by asking for my phone number! You said you liked me several times! Even! You saved my name in your phone with four hearts! You even said you were adding them specifically because you liked me for being pretty! I couldn’t believe it, so when I asked the next day if you really liked me, you said yes!”

“Hah…”

My damn drinking habit. When I got drunk, my habit was to get clingy with others. Even in that state, I avoided women and would instead latch onto hyungs or younger guys, laughing like a madman because I felt so good. I had once seen a video of myself being drunk and acting cute toward a male senior. Even though I was dead drunk, my face stayed pale and looked perfectly fine, which made me look like a truly crazy person.

What does it mean, adding hearts… Ah, no way… was it [♡♡Dowoning♡♡]? I did that with my own hands? I’ve saved the names of all the girlfriends I’ve had so far as just their three-letter names or as ‘Girlfriend.’ I did that?

“And you smile so prettily whenever you see me. I asked the other kids, and they said you’re the handsome type, not the pretty type. But you keep being pretty toward me. You keep being pretty only in front of me! Trying to look pretty to someone else, that’s something you only do for the person you like. You like me, hyung.”

“…I don’t remember anything from Hwajung’s farewell party. I drank too much. I don’t know anything about saying I liked you, and I never tried specifically to… look pretty in front of you. Actually, I didn’t even know your name. I only found out when I heard a kid who knows you call you.”

I… tried to look pretty for you? I was wearing a hat, a hoodie, and either shorts or comfortable track pants or jeans, and on top of that, clothes stained with paint. Even today, a pair of black track pants from a famous sports brand, a navy sweatshirt, and sneakers were everything. Rather, I wouldn’t have had any excuse if someone scolded me for dressing too sloppily.

“Then… what on earth did you think when I said that you obviously liked me?”

“I thought… you were a kid with very high self-esteem and a unique… personality…”

“…So you mean you thought I was crazy. And the reason you didn’t say much… was just because you didn’t want to deal with me? Because I was troublesome and annoying?”

“…”

Ham Dowon let out a sharp voice while twisting his lips. It was cynical, but it wasn’t wrong. It was closer to hitting the nail on the head.

When I pressed my lips tightly together, Ham Dowon let out a loud “Ha!” of a breath and then roughly swept his well-groomed hair back. Then, as if trying to calm his mind, he stared elsewhere while breathing deeply, before suddenly gazing straight at me.

“I think you’re right. I am crazy. This is the first time this has happened to me, and even though you’re someone who doesn’t even listen to what I say and just lets it pass by, my heart keeps beating like crazy. I think I’m crazy about you, hyung. No, I am crazy. So listen well this time. …From now on, whatever I do to you or whatever I say, it’s all to seduce you. Because I like you so much, because I want to date you! …That’s what it is. You know, right? That I have a romantic ideal about being a Campus Couple!”

I thought he would have a face full of anger… but there was a film of water over Ham Dowon’s eyes. Was he crying? I felt sorry for no reason, so I kept my mouth shut, but he seemed to dislike that even more. Ham Dowon, biting his lower lip, glared at me intensely as if he were looking at someone he hated. It looked like tears were about to fall at any moment. What should I say… If he really likes me, then…

“Ham Dowon. I’m sor…”

I’m sorry. For making you misunderstand. I never had that intention, and I had no heart for it. I didn’t even know I was like that. It sounds like an excuse, but for now, that’s how it is.

I definitely wanted to speak my true feelings. But Ham Dowon, as if he didn’t want to hear them, covered my mouth with his hand.

“Don’t say anything. Hyung… you shouldn’t say anything right now. I’m so upset and miserable right now. I feel like my heart is being torn apart.”

“…”

What am I supposed to do with this… I’ve never had such a sudden confession before. Usually, I’d already vaguely noticed that a girl liked me before even hearing a confession. Someone who has fallen for someone else tends to leave specific clues behind, and I was the type who picked them up well. But I guess that only applied when it came to women. Even though all the hints Ham Dowon had been dropping pointed clearly to one thing, I had only ignored them.

“That romantic ideal, I’m definitely going to make it come true with you, so you just wait and see.”

Ham Dowon, who had been hanging his head for a long time while biting and bothering his lower lip, suddenly raised his head. After sharing a long gaze with me with eyes that were moist but did not shed tears, Ham Dowon suddenly moved closer to me. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing at first. When his eyes gradually grew larger and clearer and then the distance became so close that I couldn’t even focus properly, it felt like my thoughts stopped for a moment. Only when Ham Dowon moved away back to his original position did I realize.

Ham Dowon had kissed the back of his own hand that was covering my mouth. As if he wanted to kiss my lips that would be behind that hand. The reason I realized that fact so late was partly because my head was in a daze, but also because it was so different from the kisses I had done until now. To kiss girls who were always much smaller than me, I had to lower my head. Because there was never anyone who met my eyes at the same eye level.

“I’m not a kind or gentle person enough to let my first love go. Just you wait. For sure.”

I don’t know about kind or gentle, but he looked quite fragile right now. He felt that way even though he was a healthy man with a physique similar to mine. Just like thin paper that would easily fly away even in a weak wind.

“Remember. Every action I take is to seduce you, hyung.”

As I reflexively opened my arms because it looked like he might collapse forward, Ham Dowon didn’t miss the opening and stepped in, hugged my body tightly, and whispered in my ear. Then, stepping backward while still looking at me with a face that was bright red and on the verge of crying, he turned around and moved away. Only after the familiar smell of Ham Dowon, which seemed to have stuck to my nasal mucosa, finally disappeared did I let out a deep sigh. This strange confusion that had suddenly burst into my ordinary and calm life was so unfamiliar and sudden.

At that time? I was too drunk too, and since it was a party I organized, I’m not really sure because I was busy looking after other people. But you probably bothered Ham Dowon a ton. You kept hugging him and telling him to sit next to you. I think you kept telling Dowon he was pretty and that you liked him. He doesn’t really like being called pretty, but he stayed still, maybe because he was fed up with you. So I was a bit worried about whether the two of you would get along. I’m glad you seem to be getting along well now, though.

Last night, I sent a DM to Hwajung asking, [Do you remember me and Ham Dowon at your farewell party???], and the reply came only in the early morning. I woke up to that vibration while sleeping lightly. It was 5:48. I buried my face in the pillow and let out deep, deep sighs, but since sleep wouldn’t come and I felt stifled, I just got up. …I should just go to school early and work. I’ll eat at a soup-and-rice place on the way.

“…I’m hungry.”