ORCA 91

Orca gave deep thought to the situation, adding more deliberation. He had to throw something out there that would make whatever he was afraid of seem irrelevant. He wanted to divert the goldfish’s attention elsewhere as quickly as possible. At that moment, a fairly decent plan flashed through his mind.

Niah felt a surge of sorrow because of Orca, who was watching him with a frightening expression. It was heartbreaking that Orca kept saying things he couldn’t understand, and his gripped arm hurt too much. He felt like it would break or crumble at any moment. He tried to figure out where things had gone wrong, but his head wouldn’t work properly. He wondered if this was also a punishment for acting impurely toward his master.

If he were to find where things went wrong, it probably started with the dream he had today. Even so, he couldn’t understand a word Orca said. It seemed like he had another fault he wasn’t aware of.

“Hic, sir, I’m sorry…. I did it all wrong. Sob…. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. Ugh, sorry, I’ll never do it again…. But sir, what did I do wrong…? Hic… if you teach me, I’ll fix everything. So, so please don’t abandon me and leave….”

As Niah entered the room, he apologized as he had resolved to do. The pleas he slowly let out were so damp and heavy that it made the listener feel even more pathetic. His words were broken in the middle as he tried to hold back his sobbing.

Orca, who had been looking around the room for glass, stopped dead and looked at Niah again.

What kind of nonsense is this?

The tears rolling down from under the goldfish’s closed eyelids didn’t know when to stop. The plan to pretend he was hurt, like when he came back after being teased for smelling fishy last time, had turned into bubbles. Only then did he realize that they were drifting apart.

“Niah. When did I ever… ah.”

Orca let go of his arm, straightened his hunched waist, and stepped back half a pace. Thinking he had abandoned what he had left in the greenhouse—this was an unexpected development. He was the one who told him to go first, so he wondered what he was supposed to do when he came chasing after him with a wound he hadn’t even inflicted. As soon as he stepped back, his mind became calm at the small body whining and clinging to him. The familiar weight felt in his arms suppressed all sorts of stray thoughts and showed off its presence. A premonition that something had gone very, very wrong came to him much too late.

“I don’t want that. Don’t leave.”

Niah hugged him tightly. His round crown bobbed up and down in time with his sobbing. Orca gave up on the idea of tearing his palm to grab his attention and instead patted his back. The hand that had been awkwardly splayed in the shape of Niah’s forearm slowly came down and settled. He had a somewhat blank expression.

“I did everything wrong….”

“Niah. Stop. Don’t apologize.”

“Wrong,”

“No. Don’t.”

Niah, whose words were blocked, obediently shut his mouth and clung even tighter. He hugged him with all his might, fearing he might be pushed away. While Orca patted Niah with one hand, he covered his own pathetic face with the other. It seemed he had misunderstood, and quite severely at that. Damn it. A vulgar exclamation popped out without hesitation. In his head, of course.

“Niah. I never abandoned you. I didn’t abandon you; I just left you there for a moment.”

“I-is that different? But, sir, you disappeared…. I ran here alone. Because you disappeared, I only thought about you….”

Orca did not bother to point out that Niah had asked him to go first. Regardless of that request, it was true that he had been unable to control his emotions and ran out, so he wasn’t in a position to point it out. He just stroked his back and the nape of his neck. There was no way the goldfish, who had hurried after him thinking he had been abandoned, could be afraid of him for any reason. He had done something like an idiot.

He felt ashamed and his stomach churned. An emotion different from sympathy or pity swirled under his ribs. He bowed his head, holding back the nausea rising up.

“I know. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

“…”

“I’m not lying, so stop crying.”

“I’m not crying….”

“Yeah, I know. But stop crying anyway.”

Niah, sniffing, buried himself even deeper. His forehead dug into Orca’s chest, rubbing around. His thin back rose and fell repeatedly. When his chaotic heart calmed down and his crying subsided, Niah looked up at Orca. He tapped Orca’s chest with the round chin he had been leaning on.

Orca gently stroked the tips of his hair, which had become fluffy like a dandelion seed, with his palm. A trivial imagination followed: if he blew on it and spread it, would a goldfish grow, or would a linaria grow? Niah, who was observing that subtle change in expression, spoke with a nasal voice. The question, which flowed out slowly, word by word, ended with a request.

“But, sir…. Why did you get upset? If I did something wrong, please tell me.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But, it’s not….”

Niah, who timidly contradicted the firm answer, leaned his cheek against him again. His fingers, gripping the shirt, fidgeted. Orca, who was groping the air as if missing the dandelion seed that had vanished in a puff, caressed the soft back of his head. The fact that the first thing he asked as soon as his sobbing subsided was, in the end, about his own well-being was absurd, yet inexpressibly gratifying.

He held the goldfish, who was tucked quietly in his arms, for a while. The rhythmic beating of a calmed heart, the sound of occasional sniffs, and slow breaths exhaled through the mouth could be heard softly. Peace overflowed. That he could feel satisfied with a peaceful moment meant something was definitely broken. Well, it wasn’t bad.

The goldfish, having had a good cry, immediately started feeling sleepy, as if it were a fixed sequence. It seemed he had exhausted all his energy into crying. He didn’t have much stamina, despite running around all day.

After his third yawn, Niah smacked his lips. Orca pondered whether to put him to sleep first, but decided to ask why he had acted as if he were scared of him. He felt like if he missed this chance, he’d never hear it. He chose his words with his own sense of delicacy. He even put in the effort to add unnecessary words, fearing it might sound like he was blaming him.

“Niah. Why did you do that earlier? You kept checking my reactions.”

“Uh… that is….”

“I’m just asking out of curiosity. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“…”

“Don’t force yourself to talk. It’s fine as long as you aren’t afraid of me.”

Niah pulled away from his arms. He felt sad because it seemed he really had upset his master. He felt even sadder thinking that if he didn’t tell the truth, he would be upset the whole time. Niah curled and bit his lip, where blood had dried, and fidgeted. The stinging pain brought him to his senses. Before telling him about this morning, he rolled his head first.

“Are you really… not going to be angry…?”

“Yeah.”

“You aren’t going to kick me out…?”

“I won’t do anything like that.”

Thinking there must be a reason he couldn’t easily speak, Orca agreed quickly. Even though he had just said it was fine not to talk, a desire to hear it rose up, and he soon became impatient. Niah, having received the promise, pulled down on his shirt hem. It was difficult for him not to be troubled because he had to recall the dream to talk about it. His cheeks were already dyed red from embarrassment.

“It’s just…. Uh… I, um…. I had a dream today. You were in it, sir…. You were in it, and, uh, um… it was like, that is….”

Orca listened quietly. He exercised patience, fearing that if he added anything, the rest of the story would vanish. Niah, with his legs pulled tightly together, tugged at the hem of his shirt that he couldn’t pull any further. As he reached the story he wanted to tell, he felt a stiffness below. He was worried if he was covering himself well. He didn’t want to check because it would look strange, so he tensed his neck.

“With you, sir…. Um… I, hmm… you and I, our lips… we kissed.”

“…”

“And so. In the morning, I… touched myself alone…. I kept thinking about it… but I was afraid I’d be scolded if I was caught, so I tried not to get caught…. I’m sorry….”

What kind of, sound is this.

It was naturally the first time he had heard someone say they had a dream about kissing him and even masturbated because of it. Orca stepped toward Niah, who was inching backward.

“I see…. So you did something like that with me….”

“I-in the dream!”

“Was touching yourself in the dream, too?”

“Yes? No, I….”

His gaze moved downward.