ORCA 26

He brushed a soft cheek, then moved down to the chin and gently rubbed the injured lips so as not to hurt. At that gentle touch, Niah bit his lip out of habit. He couldn’t help it, for fear of bursting into tears. His gaze fell again. Orca furrowed his brow and bent down.

“What are you doing.”

Tiny specks of dust only reveal their presence after they gather and accumulate. You don’t realize it until they’ve clumped together in layers, and then one day you suddenly discover them. Looking down at the goldfish bathed in the sunset-colored light, such a thought occurred to him. The sorrowful face was like a speck of corner dust noticed by chance. He bent down to get a closer look at that face.

He gently pulled out the lip that had been pressed by the upper teeth. A chapped wound was noticeable on the flesh that had been obediently offered up. A faint groan escaped when he gave it a light touch. He could also feel a fluttering movement in his palm. Other than that, the boy was calm, as if he had no intention of shaking him off or running away.

Long eyelashes cast a shadow below the drooping corners of his eyes. He pressed the lip once more and then released it, causing the eyelids to shut tight with a flinch. The shadows descending in strands trembled faintly. It was the moment he confirmed the reality created by the gathering of orange phantoms.

The goldfish seemed to be quite resentful that his courageous visit had been discovered. A sense of unfairness was evident in the gaze that furtively looked up at him through slightly opened eyes. But to him, it was just a pleasing sight. He had known since the boy was walking down the hallway. It would have been stranger not to know, when he had been hesitating in front of the door for so long. That fidgeting was like a piece of rolling dust.

The goldfish had been fluttering lightly before suddenly making a conspicuous appearance. Once you notice it, you can never go back to not knowing.

Of course, he hadn’t expected the goldfish to come on his own, let alone secretly at such a late hour, before he even called. Moreover, he hadn’t known this coward would actually come in after hesitating instead of turning back. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t flustered. That’s why he couldn’t react right away. It was only when the surreptitiously touching warmth hesitantly burrowed into him that he decided he had to hold onto him first.

Orca, still holding Niah’s chin area, asked.

“Why did you come? It’s late, you should be sleeping.”

“Ah… that is, um…”

Niah, who had naturally expected to be scolded, trailed off. The fact that the young master wasn’t angry with him for disobeying an order was, rather, unsettling. His frightened tongue quickly retreated. Instead of a clear answer, he rolled his eyes toward the window, and Orca’s gaze naturally turned in that direction.

He had been muttering outside about taking something somewhere, and it seemed that pot was the protagonist. He wondered if the boy had really come at this hour just to bring that. Whatever the reason, if he had intended to come and go without getting caught, the goldfish truly had no learning ability.

As Orca silently stared only at the pot, Niah began to chatter words that were either excuses or explanations. He babbled on earnestly, struggling all by himself.

“It’s a snake plant. It’s one I was growing in the greenhouse…. I was taking care of it, and I thought it would be nice to have it here…. No, that’s not it, I, I meant to give it to you, Young Master…. The… the new shoots have grown a lot, so I was going to give it to you…. Ah, um… it was originally yours, Young Master, but still, I went and doted on it every day…”

Orca’s full attention was stolen by the small voice coming from right in front of him. Even so, he was busy caressing the boy’s eyes and stroking his hair. The touch that roamed here and there was meticulous. As if leaving a mark, he tormented the earlobe by rolling it between his fingers before sliding down to the neckline and grasping the nape of his neck.

The slender neck fit entirely in one hand. It was as fragile as the stem of a delicate toadflax, looking as if it could easily be snapped. His eyes flashed for a moment. As if rescuing prey caught in a trap, or rather, as if tightening his grip even more, the stroking fingers were simply relentless.

Niah submitted meekly. He was too busy trying to say his piece to gauge what kind of look Orca was giving him, or how he was treating him. He dished out whatever words came to mind and waited for permission.

The anticipation, disguised as waiting, swelled more and more as he continued his story. It smelled sweet and savory, like a muffin in the oven. But if he were to let his guard down while intoxicated by the fragrance, it would surely burn up in an instant.

Niah’s eyes fluttered here and there, centered on Orca. His vision flickered rapidly. It was because he kept blinking, as no reaction came back.

“I went every single day, so, so, I think it would be good to have it in your room, Young Master. The pot is the prettiest one too, and the roots have settled well. It’s not a lot of work either. You only have to water it sometimes, and also, it grows well on its own with just sunlight. So, so…”

Niah poured it all out haphazardly. His breathing became as ragged as the plausible reasons he had tacked on in his own way. It felt as if a cascade of small beans had been spilled inside his chest.

“I want to grow it here…”

The request he really wanted to make finally leaked out cautiously at the end. The tips of Niah’s eyebrows drooped as he shrank his head. He felt intimidated by his own words.

Orca narrowed his eyes at the sight. It was extremely irritating to see him trying to make his already small frame even smaller. Could he just disappear completely at this rate? A ridiculous suspicion took over his mind. The weight a goldfish possessed was no different from a dandelion seed that flies away with a single gust of wind. It was light enough to evaporate at any moment.

The hand gripping the nape of his neck tightened. He tried to grip as lightly as possible, but it didn’t move as he intended. The uncontrollable sensation was unpleasant. A sharp pain throbbed in his solar plexus. When he was in front of the goldfish, his thoughts often turned into a mess. It was the same now.

The straight line of his emotions, which had always stretched forward, drew a curve and eventually became sharp. It boiled up from the base of his spine and shot upwards. His self-control was hitting rock bottom.

“This is why you came.”

In an instant, Niah’s body lurched forward and tilted. The rough grip stretched the thin skin under his chin taut. His upturned face was even closer to Orca. Niah looked at him with an expression tinged with fear. He couldn’t avoid it, so he just had to face it.

The eyes that had taken a bite of anticipation were soon scorched black. Only the shortened breaths passed through the narrow gap between them. He firmly closed his mouth, which had opened on its own, and shook his head instead of answering. Even that was very slight because of the gripping hand.

“Or not.”

Orca pulled Niah toward him as he pleased. It was not a kind treatment. If this continued, he was sure to really break him or leave another reddish-purple bruise. He knew he should let go before that happened, but his thoughts and actions were playing out separately. It probably would have been better to call him tomorrow with a moderately normal excuse.

The unexpected situation was shaking him to his core. The feeling of having his control taken away was not pleasant.

Niah was seized with the fear that his neck would be ripped off at any moment. He felt like a carrot in a vegetable patch. It felt like if he were pulled just a little harder, he would be plucked right out. He had to say something to the young master, but no words came out readily. The eyes he met were colder than the morning frost.

He bit his teeth and clenched his jaw. He was afraid that the moment he parted his lips, tears would burst out first. He could endure being scolded for being loud, but he didn’t want to be kicked out. In the end, he just shook his head and panted for breath. It didn’t move well, but he shook it diligently. There was no time to think deeply, so just answering with an unconditional ‘no’ was the best he could do. In any case, he absolutely had not come to see the young master’s angry face.

“Young Master. That’s not it, that’s not what I mean…”

Niah straightened his back to hold on, but when that didn’t work, he fidgeted on his bottom. Just staying still was a strain because of the forcefully lifted posture. A slight turn of his head was all that was permitted to him. His heart pounded as if he had been sprinting, and his breathing grew rough. His chest rose and fell busily.

He put his weight on his knees and tried his best to endure as he was told. In the process, the hand that had been clutching his clothes fell into the air. The way he struggled, wanting to lean on something, was pitiful to see. His other hand was still held fast by Orca, unable to move.

Whether he knew of this situation or not, Orca repeatedly pulled Niah toward him, urging him on. It was closer to venting his anger than pressing for an answer to his question. It wasn’t even a proper question in the first place. He was just being dominated by an unknown, sharp-edged emotion.

He lacerated himself as he took in the sight of Niah. He was angry. No, he was seized with excitement. It had been fine when he had taken the goldfish’s hand and placed him on his bed, but it was different now. There wasn’t a single part of him that wasn’t boiling over. The small body he had captured alive swayed as he pressed it.

“Young Mas, ahh…. Young Master…”

Niah, who had been gritting his teeth and enduring the pain, finally let out a groan. As he vomited out the wave of pain, the worry he had tried so hard to postpone came rushing forward. Regret for having caused unnecessary trouble belatedly surged up. At first, he had thought he wasn’t being scolded because the young master was stroking him, but he had been mistaken.

The young master was angry. That was scarier than his screaming bones and muscles. A hot flush rose to his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Young Master…. I did wrong…”

“……”

“I, I just, I wanted to see you…. That’s why, I came. …I did wrong.”

The plea continued like a sob. The hand that had been gripping his neck as if to burst it finally, slowly, let go. His body, which had been floating and trembling, settled back down. Niah, who had lowered his head that had almost been plucked off, curled into a ball.

Niah let out soft breaths and then suddenly rubbed his face on his sleeve. He secretly twitched his nose as he wiped at the corners of his eyes, which had pooled with tears at some point. The sound of his faint sobs piled up near Orca’s chest.

Each time he dabbed at his tears, his shadow flickered. His hair, the very color of the faint orange light, also rustled as if throwing a tantrum.

Orca quietly looked down at the gently shaking top of his head. The curly hair looked like a soft nest on a tree. The prominent lines of his neck were reddish and blotchy. It was a vivid color, like an autumn-leafed tree. The marks, clearly visible even in the dim light, were bothersome.

“Niah.”

He called out as if sighing.

“Go back now.”

Niah quickly raised his gaze. He could feel the warmth moving away from the hand that had been held so tightly it had cut off circulation. Both his hand and the nape of his neck were free. But the fear did not subside; rather, it spread wider.

The young master looked down at him with a much-softened expression. His voice was gentle, as if it had all been his own misunderstanding. That gentle suggestion, ordering him in such a voice, made him sad.

“You have to go to sleep.”

Orca lifted his upper body, which had been leaning toward Niah. A hollow distance immediately formed between the two of them. Niah did not bother to hold back the tears that gushed out. He was not in his right mind enough to even think about holding them back.

“I don’t want to. I’m not going. Heueu… please don’t send me away. Then, then again… ugh, I won’t, be able to see you tomorrow…. I’m not going to sleep. I don’t have to sleep. Heuk, Young Master. I did wrong…. Young Master…”

His two hastily outstretched arms grabbed onto Orca’s fingertips and clung there. The place all ten fingers reached was, at best, near the fingernails. Niah scraped the bed with his knees, struggling to get closer, ever closer. The blanket rustled.

And yet, he could only entangle himself around two finger joints to beg. His heart was in his throat. He had already done something worthy of a scolding, and he was afraid he would be forcibly kicked out for being a nuisance to top it off. But he couldn’t stop, wondering what if this was the last moment before the young master left.

He still clearly remembered him saying the exact same thing last time. He had told him to go to sleep, acted as if they would meet the next day, but when he had come to see him the next day, the door was locked. He didn’t want that to happen again. If he was going to be punished, he wanted to be punished by his side. So, all he could do right now was beg not to be sent away.

Orca silently observed Niah clinging to him. The pathetic sight made the underside of his tongue tighten. He knew it would be to his own benefit to send him back quickly, but it was difficult to say it again. He couldn’t readily shake off the sobs clinging to his fingers. For some reason, his mind grew distant. It was as if his body and mind had been stolen by someone else. A sense of displeasure surged.

It would have been better to wait for him to leave without acknowledging him, no matter what he did in the room. His mind, which he thought was organized, was in disarray again. It had only been a few hours since he had confidently declared that everything would be resolved if he just did as he pleased and left this place. It had not even been a full day since he had concluded that it was just a temporary situation.

With just one unexpected action from the goldfish, a repeat sign was marked, and everything went back to the beginning. He could neither move forward again nor step back. It was pathetic that he was experiencing something on a bed that he had never experienced even on a battlefield.

He had lived his life believing that slaughter was his only instinct, but at this point, he was no longer sure. He didn’t know what he wanted to do to the goldfish. His reason was paralyzed, as if he had swallowed poison. That was all the more reason why he had to send the goldfish out. Even if he were to call him again after the sun came up, now was not the time.

“Niah.”

“I don’t want to, I’m not going. Heueu, Young Master. I don’t want to…”

Niah shook his head violently. He began to hate the young master for constantly trying to chase him away. He could fix his mistakes if he was told what they were, he could listen even better to his commands, but since he just kept trying to chase him away, he hated him just a little.

So he became stubborn. He knew he was the one who had disobeyed the order not to come, but that was that, and being sad was being sad. The more anxious he became, the simpler his thoughts grew. Niah hesitated for a long time before abruptly grabbing Orca’s hand. Tears dropped and wet the back of his hand.

“D-don’t keep telling me to go. Don’t chase me away. Uh, euh heuk… you’re going to stop me from coming again tomorrow, aren’t you. You’ll tell me not to come again… uuh…”

Orca, taking in the sight of the two hands that were far too small compared to his and the shoulders that trembled with every word, let out a short sigh.

Niah became even sadder at the sound. It was no different from being told directly that he was an annoying and troublesome existence. He let go of the hand he had courageously held. On the contrary, his crying subsided. Niah pressed his palms together in a praying gesture and bowed his head low.

“Um, I, I won’t bother you. I won’t be a bother…. I’ll be a good listener too…. And I, it’s okay if you don’t protect me. I won’t cry and annoy you either…. Ah, the snake plant too, if you don’t like the pot, I’ll take it back. So just, just, can’t you let me come again tomorrow…? Just, just. I just, until you leave, Young Master, can’t I keep… coming here?”

From behind hesitantly lifted eyelids, pale Darjeeling-colored eyes looked up at him. The wet eyes, reflecting the light, sparkled like transparent honey. He was suddenly reminded of the streaks of light he used to see when ascending from the deep sea to the surface. The sea surface, shattered by the sunlight, came to mind.

The peaceful scenery, which had left little impression on him until now, colored his mind in detail, as if it were a great memory. It was ridiculous to think of the sea while looking at a goldfish that cannot live in the sea. In the midst of it all, the goldfish was shimmering with a light like an aurora under the sun-drenched sea. Just looking at it filled him with a strange feeling.

“What did I do wrong…? I’ll fix it. I can fix it…”