ORCA 41

The very first desire I learned in this life was appetite. Any appetite beyond the purpose of survival was cut away the moment it was expressed. The first teaching and imposition that followed was “patience.”

To be patient. To endure and control. To suppress without showing it on the outside.

The education was repeated daily until the answer that I understood it came out. It was always wrapped in fine words, but there was only one thing they wanted from me.

Do not disgrace the honor of the Wair family.

This was a kind of rule established between me and the Wair family. It was absurd that they, who had built their reputation by shedding blood in the first place, would try to control only my actions. On the other hand, they were eager to use the status I had earned myself and the achievements I had built to elevate the family’s prestige. That greed was nothing short of ridiculous.

Of course, I have no intention of breaking the rule I have kept well enough until now. I knew that the things that would follow if I did as I pleased would be even more troublesome.

Releasing wild animals into the hunting ground was a story from long ago. Perhaps the reason I didn’t swallow the goldfish in one gulp was also implicitly derived from the rule I had been keeping. So, I could not entirely rule out the possibility that I might have hesitated because of that.

However, as time passed, other excuses and pretexts were added to the fundamental reason. If I were to count my faults, the very fact that I came to the mansion was the problem to begin with. Whatever it was, it was a useless kind of regret to have while the situation had escalated to this point. It was uselessly distressing and did not help at all.

The error named “Niah” pushed me bit by bit and eventually trapped me inside the room. The orange goldfish that had leisurely invaded, leaving the pond, suddenly tried to reign over me. It was a small and fragile predator I had never dealt with before.

The line gradually retreated. The line I had drawn to prevent encroachment retreated on its own and, before I knew it, transformed into a rope strangling my breath. I quickly collapsed from the hallucinations I saw everywhere and the auditory hallucinations I heard no matter what I did. Because of this, I had no choice but to do nothing and listen to nothing if possible.

However, my appetite did not calm down easily. Rather, it amplified as the days went by. The desire, which I thought would disappear if I cleared it from my eyes, only grew larger as if mocking me. I couldn’t find even the slightest sign of it diminishing. If anyone were to hear of my situation, it was obvious they would laugh.

Even if I said I didn’t have much interest in honor, it was not a concern that I, a noble who currently follows the Wair family name, should have regarding a servant of the mansion. In any respect, it did not make sense.

It was only four days. I endured for only four days. During those four days, I was reminded anew that I was such an impatient creature. It was as if someone had poured oil on the instinct I had been restraining the whole time. It burned everything away without leaving a shred of reason.

By nature, orcas were not a species from which one could expect patience. So, considering I was away from the war zone where life-and-death battles occurred daily, I had endured quite a long time. My physical strength and power were more than enough—in fact, they were overflowing—and I missed the raw taste of meat rather than a tongue that only slurped monotonous soup. I did not welcome the laziness that had been pickled in comfort.

I still did not have the confidence to firmly choose whether I was a human or a beast without feet. To call myself a human, I was only roughly imitating one, and to call myself a beast, I was too accustomed to acting like a human.

In front of the goldfish, I could be neither. The boundary between reason and instinct collapsed. Every time our eyes met, every time our breaths touched, and every time our skin met, that distinction would blur. It was the line I had drawn because I could not handle this kind of trouble. The fact that the goldfish was the first to cross it could only be an impulsive choice. Ironically, the goldfish was quiet, while I, the very person who had driven the goldfish outside the line, was the one in more of a frenzy.

☀️🌊

It had been a long time since I had stepped out the front door. I hadn’t had much motivation since the times I followed the sounds of running to the pond in the late night, or after I went to the vegetable garden to check on the goldfish. Suppressing the dry laughter that tried to leak out, I twisted the corners of my mouth. The goldfish was clearly within the cause-and-effect relationship. The goldfish existed for every reason behind my actions.

The wind that swept through the forest hit me from afar. I was the fool.

The thin, delicate Linaria flower clusters swayed heavily even in the gentle breeze. The flowers and leaves tangled and rubbed against each other, making the sound of waves. The fountain water, shattered by the spring sunlight, fell endlessly downward. From the back of the mansion, I could hear the noise of trees being split and piled up. The concern of the head servant, who was busy muttering something beside me, was persistent, and the whispering of the servants who discovered me was noisy enough to be annoying.

“Young master…”

The call that drove away all this unpleasantness was merely fragile. It was cautious and secretive. It was not a voice that hoped to be heard. It didn’t look for me or show its face, as if it had flowed out reflexively. Even then, it kept calling me, mumbling over and over. I was relieved that it remembered well, as I had worried it might have forgotten by now. It was also very commendable that no sobbing was mixed into the end of its words.

It was an adorable memory. The fact that it had forgotten everything else, had erased everything difficult and painful, yet kept remembering me was pleasing. On one hand, it was foolish. It was stupid that it kept holding on to me without forgetting, what was so good about it, considering there wasn’t a day it didn’t cry in front of me?

I could not fathom the heart that left behind such attachment, hiding under flowers that resembled itself, calling, “Young master, young master.” A displeasing feeling gradually rose from the depths of my chest.

The goldfish pleaded in a small voice, tirelessly. It called me as if praying, keeping its distance and remaining hidden.

“Young master… Young master. …Young master.”

If it had just come running and clung to me crying, I would have taken it somewhere under the pretense of being unable to resist, but now I couldn’t even do that. There were many eyes watching. Since my situation of having to leave the mansion someday wouldn’t change anyway, it seemed better not to show an appearance of being closer than necessary.

I was well aware that everything I did became a thick rumor wandering every corner of the mansion. Although I thought it was already too late to be having these worries, the line was essential, even if where one draws it differs. It was better for the goldfish if it stayed at the mansion.

Moderately. Whatever it was, moderation was important. I shouldn’t give the servants, who the goldfish had to live with, any unnecessary resentment. It would end up being an act of pouring poison into the goldfish’s mouth with my own hands. Furthermore, I didn’t want to encourage the goldfish to wait for me pitifully. That was a different story from the desire to see its face clinging to my chest, whining.

My wicked greed conflicted with sound wishes and offered a lukewarm answer. Without the intention of letting it go to live comfortably, I concluded to myself that up to this point, to this line, would be fine, and I was satisfied on my own. In the end, I was just doing what I wanted to do.

Rather, as I calculated things one by one like this, a certain thought suddenly raised its head.

Should I just swallow it after all? Should I chew it bones and all and make it a part of me?

The messy imaginations that I could never actually carry out tangled wildly in my mouth.

The head servant looked up at Orca with eyes full of concern. It was because of his whim, having suddenly set out for a walk after staying cooped up in his room and skipping meals the whole time.

“Young master. How about having a meal first?”

Orca ignored the worried gaze. He immediately passed by the head servant who was fluttering beside him. It was a cold attitude, as if avoiding an annoyingly buzzing bug.

He came down the front steps and walked slowly on the stone floor of the garden. As he descended one level from the thick, flat stone stairs, he stepped onto the plush lawn. He acted as if he were truly just taking a walk. He did not stop and walked slowly.

The head servant followed directly behind him. Orca turned around without hiding his bothered expression. Only then did the head servant close the mouth that had been chattering without rest. Finally, the area around my ears became quiet. Only the movements of someone stealthily moving while playing hide-and-seek could be heard clearly. I didn’t prefer warm weather, but today it was not as unpleasant as usual.