ORCA 44

Unwanted thoughts came flooding in. Knowing where he was, knowing the way there, and yet having to endure it—for some reason, it felt unfair. I knew I had to wait patiently, but my feet throbbed, as if my heart had plummeted to the floor. I felt like I couldn’t bear it any longer.

Niah pulled his knees up and curled his back. The expression buried in his shirt was one of near-tears. Not content with just his lips, he chewed on the tender inner skin of his mouth, whimpering. When I couldn’t see him at all, I could at least tolerate it, but once I had encountered him, it became harder to suppress the longing to see him.

“Why don’t you just go and see him? Huh? He won’t be angry, will he?”

“But… then I’d get scolded…”

“From what I see, I don’t think you’d even get scolded. If he does scold you, you can just say I made you do it. So, just—”

“No, I won’t. I won’t tell on you. What if Harriet gets scolded because of me…”

“Hmm? That’s fine, though? If he scolds us, well… what can we do? It’s okay. I’ll take the scolding. If you don’t like that, just go sneak a peek. If you keep this up, you’ll wither away and die before the young master even calls for you.”

Niah fidgeted and pulled the blanket over his head. Every time Harriet said things like that to me, I always answered that I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be scolded by the young master, nor did I want to be hated by him, so I shook my head vigorously until Harriet gave up.

Then Harriet would sigh deeply and rub the back of my head. Not now, but later this afternoon, later in the evening, not today but tomorrow, make sure to go tomorrow—she whispered that persistently. She did that several times a day. She probably didn’t know that even though I listened quietly every time, I had secretly promised myself that I would absolutely never do that.

“Why don’t you just go and see him? Huh? He won’t be angry, will he?”

Niah, who had been tossing and turning under the blanket, suddenly sat up, his chest heaving. Harriet’s voice swirled around, as if mocking my resolve. As the blocked view cleared, my gaze drifted naturally.

The square frame reflected in the moonlight boasted a dim presence. It was a distance where I could reach the handle if I leaned forward and stretched out my arm. Other than that, it was pitch black, with not a single ray of light entering. The flowing darkness filled the narrow room densely. The outline of the door was gradually colored with brighter light. My shallow breathing broke out.

Harriet was a good person. She was kind, gentle, and didn’t make my life miserable. That’s why she made me have expectations I shouldn’t have. I kept wanting to believe her words. The expectations sprouted little by little, breaking through the frozen ground. It was fresh, yet painful at the same time.

“That… uh… Ah, the greenhouse, right, the greenhouse. Should I go to the greenhouse… I should go check if things are okay. I don’t remember very well, so… Yes, I should do that.”

Niah, who had been mumbling to the empty air, pulled his feet out from under the bed. He hurriedly put on his shoes, stood up, and grasped the door handle. Even in the midst of that, excuses kept trailing from his lips.

“I’m going to the greenhouse. That’s right.”

Coming out into the hallway and swinging the door to the stairwell open, Niah moved lightly. It was easy to walk because the moonlight was bright. There was no need to grope around. Perhaps thanks to that, even though I hesitated for a moment on the fourth floor, I reached the first floor quickly.

I looked back every now and then while carefully heading to the greenhouse. Today, the mansion looked especially magnificent. The garden in the middle of the night was silent, without a single breeze. Not even the singing of insects could be heard. Suddenly, I stopped and stared at the sleeping mansion.

Standing there abruptly, it felt as if I were the only one in the world. Even though it was a matter no different from usual, it somehow felt lonely. My stomach felt like an empty pea pod.

Counting from the very bottom of the mansion, I looked up, and my gaze stopped at the window on the fourth floor. I narrowed my eyes and stared tenaciously, but naturally, I couldn’t see beyond the window. A round light pooled on the pitch-black glass, sparkling like a star. It wasn’t something to feel sad about, but my heart became crooked on its own.

“I can’t see anything at all.”

A small complaint slipped through my lips. I straightened my posture, which I had shifted to look back. The massive greenhouse, which had become close before I knew it, filled my vision. Pools of light pooled even on the crooked glass roof, dimly illuminating behind the transparent walls.

The pale moonlight had a bluish tint. The colors of the gathered flowers, leaves, and tree trunks were harmonious. I looked back at the mansion once more. I wished the mansion had been built of glass instead of red bricks. Even to me, it sounded like nonsense.

“Stupid goldfish…”

I hastened my stopped footsteps. A short shadow jutted out from the tip of my quietly stepping feet.

Every few steps, I sat down to meticulously examine the condition of the plants. Even though the moon was bright, it wasn’t enough to really examine anything, but I opened my eyes wide and observed them steadfastly. I could have just looked around, but I took the time to do it one by one.

As the greenhouse was so large that checking them one by one became burdensome, later on, I just looked at the creeping phlox and thought they were cute. I also gazed endlessly at the wide, long cacti, the small succulent plants that looked like grapes, and the Lithops with their heads split down the middle.

When even this became difficult, I sat on a rock in the central pond and tapped my knees. I even threw food to the carp that opened their mouths upon discovering me. The backs of the school of carp rose above the surface, then went back down, splashing around.

I was reminded of the time I splashed water in the large bathtub along with fluffy bubbles. I wondered if I should just slip in and play, swimming together. But I had to give that up because the carp in the pond were thicker and sturdier than my calves. It would be a big problem if they ate me or bullied me. It was a bit different from the time when I was just clinging to the edge of the lake, devouring water plants in a hurry.

Come to think of it, these days, Luan gave me a plate full of food, so I didn’t go hungry. Although I was pressured by the spirit of Pepe or Adrian throughout the meal, it was endurable thanks to Harriet. The other servants also ignored me, pretending not to see me.

Because of this, although Pepe and Adrian glared at me occasionally, they didn’t scold me much. Except for when they found me when I was alone and acted scary, I could spend my days in relative peace. The sudden change was just awkward.

The bad part was the dreamlike wind and precious memories that seeped into that peace. The young master I served came to mind. Even as everything else was being fragmented and scattered, the young master became more vivid as time went on. I had wished every day that I could pass even one day without being scolded, without someone bullying me, but now that it had actually happened, I was desperately wishing for something else.

“Greedy.”

The carp nudged me, snapping their mouths, urging me on. Some of them approached the edge of the pond and poked their faces out. Since they were badgering me by splashing about, I eventually threw them a little more food. I set down the food bag and gathered my knees to hug them.

Realizing there was no more to be had, the carp soon hid among the water milfoils on the opposite side. They were petty, even though it wouldn’t kill them to play for a while.

Bored with the water surface that had become calm again, I shook off my rear and stood up. Neither sleepy nor wanting to return, I went deep inside the greenhouse. In truth, I had nothing particular to do.

After looking around as if sightseeing, I settled in front of the Stuckyi pots I had repotted last time. The young Stuckyi plants, which I had chosen the prettiest pots for and moved, were now quite plump and had rooted firmly.

As I stroked them with my fingertips, the cool energy unique to plants from the smooth surface touched me pleasantly. They were pots I had originally intended to give to the young master as a gift.

I know I’m not in a position to pick one out and give it as a gift, as none of the children here are mine. But I had hoped—wouldn’t it be okay for at least one child I had cared for with all my heart to be in the young master’s room? I had hoped he might allow at least that much.

The night deepened, heading toward dawn, and the surroundings sank silently. It felt as if people, plants, and wild animals were all asleep, and I alone was awake. A surge of confidence that I wouldn’t be caught no matter what I did right now rose up. No matter how much the carp sparkled their eyes, they wouldn’t be able to chase me after I left the greenhouse.

Inadvertently, I raised my head and saw a golden-brown pancake. The moon stuck in the sky looked down at me with one bite taken out of it. Pulling myself together, I stood up and picked up a pot. It was a light teal pot that fit perfectly into my arms.

The young Stuckyi plants huddled together, waiting for their next home. My heart pounded with a weak sense of mission.

If I leave it there secretly, it’ll be fine. It will be fine.

The young master must be asleep as well.