ORCA 31

Orca would try to check Niah’s bruises at any given moment. Each time, at the sight of his shirt being lifted without any warning, Niah would gasp, hic. If he had asked to see them, Niah would have shown him himself, despite the embarrassment, but it was always like this.

Today, while he was in the middle of changing the canopy on top of the bedpost, his shirt was lifted, startling him. Niah turned around, momentarily terrified. What he immediately faced was an ordinary face standing right next to him. As soon as he turned his head, their eyes met right in front of his nose. This was because he was on a ladder, at a height he could never reach with his own stature.

“It’s faded.”

Hearing Orca’s composed observation, Niah, his face crestfallen, whined softly. The feeling of his bare skin being stroked was ticklish. Tension shot up his spine. The ladder he was standing on felt precarious. It was even more so because he was on his tiptoes. He didn’t know for sure, but he thought it would hurt quite a bit if he fell from a height of around his knees. Moreover, it was difficult to keep his balance because he was stretching both arms out to hang the canopy rings. He couldn’t let go yet because he hadn’t finished properly.

“Does it hurt?”

“No. A little.”

Niah hastily whispered a strange answer. It was an ambiguous reply, unclear whether he meant it hurt or not. All his attention was focused on the ladder beneath his feet. He became needlessly anxious, wondering what he would do if he fell. Since his waist was being held by the Young Master, it probably wouldn’t happen, but he was scared all the same.

On top of that, the canopy was heavy, and his arms hurt too. Perhaps because he had been on his tiptoes the whole time, his legs were also trembling. He kept losing strength and had to grunt to hold it up. Then, he felt the ladder shaking along with him. Niah, who had been fidgeting restlessly, hesitantly asked for help.

“Um, Young Master. I… I, this… uhh.”

Before he could even start his request, his gaze was drawn up toward the ceiling. It was because the weight of the canopy had lightened at the same time his shirt came down. A large hand that appeared next to his own moved quickly, hooking the rings with a swish, swish without any difficulty. His back came to rest against a firm chest, and at some point, he found himself leaning against it. His raised heels also slowly came down, slither. The hand placed on his stomach was supporting him. The canopy he had been holding slipped out of his hands completely. His outstretched arms were left dangling in the air.

Niah watched Orca do his work for him, then surreptitiously lowered his arms. His lost fingers landed on the back of the hand wrapped around his stomach. He tapped the protruding veins and gently rubbed the knuckles. It was because he felt like he had to do something. He was surely the only servant whose master had taken away his work.

The Young Master finished the task that he had been struggling with for a long time. He felt somewhat disheartened. He was already suspected of being a lazybones, and now he was worried that the Young Master might hate him for being a servant who couldn’t do his job properly. He didn’t want the Young Master to think he was useless.

All the other servants would point out that he was a useless idiot. No matter how hard he tried, it was no use. He had never hurt the plants, he could make the flowers bloom beautifully, and he cleaned spotlessly, but he was hated every day. It was clear that there was something wrong with him.

Orca, who had secured the last ring, cupped Niah’s chin and grabbed both his cheeks at once. He kneaded the cheeks, which had gained a little bit of plumpness, and buried his nose in the nape of his neck. His breath, which rose leisurely along the shoulder line, stopped near the earlobe. With every inhale, the fragrant scent of skin was intertwined.

With the mild weather and the flowers in full bloom, the goldfish’s body odor had also deepened. It was understandable, as he rolled around in the flowerbeds all day. Orca tormented the soft skin as he pleased. It was the price for holding back the urge to bite down hard and savor it.

“Ooh, Oung Ma’er…”

Niah’s lips, protruding like a duck’s bill, moved with a twitch. His pronunciation was completely garbled. His squashed cheeks were starting to tingle. Wondering if this was a punishment, he tried to endure it, but eventually confessed the pain. He feared both his cheeks might be torn off if they were touched for just a moment longer.

“Oung, Oung Master. I-It hur’s… I did w’ong…”

Orca, who somehow understood the muddled pronunciation, withdrew his hand. Even though he had controlled his strength so it wouldn’t hurt, it seemed to be too much for the goldfish. With the arm that had been holding Niah’s stomach, he grabbed his pelvis and helped him down from the ladder. Niah, who had floated up and then been gently placed on the carpet, immediately turned his body. His gaze, which went up to Orca, was unsteady.

“Niah.”

The orange hair flowed through the thick fingers. The hand that had swept back his hair caressed the back of his head and the nape of his neck in turn, then rolled over the shell of his ear and rested on his cheek. Orca, who had no intention of hurting him, gently soothed the flushed cheek. Then, as if teasing, he opened his mouth and chided him nonsensically.

“You can’t even do your job properly, you need to be punished.”

It was purely because it was fun to see his flustered reaction. It was because he liked the sight of the flustered goldfish rambling incoherently or clinging to him with all his might, whining and pleading. So, the reaction he had expected was similar to this, yet completely different.

“You don’t need me…?”

Niah was submerged in a wave of sorrow and mumbled. He was really trying hard. He listened well as he was told, didn’t laze around, and tended to the garden and greenhouse with all his heart. It was okay even if he didn’t tell him he was pretty. He was happy just being allowed to grow the baby Stuckyi in the Young Master’s room. But when he was told he was ugly like this every day, it turned into not being okay at all. He became incredibly sad.

“What?”

Orca narrowed his brows and twisted his eyebrows. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out what kind of process could lead to such a conclusion. The goldfish looked up at him again from within the labyrinth.

Since the Young Master, the one person he wanted to recognize his efforts the most, called him useless, Niah only felt wronged. He wanted to fix it if he was told what the problem was. But if it was for the same reason as the other servants who hated him, he couldn’t fix it, and that was a big problem. Niah clasped his hands together and lowered his head. He naturally cowered in his anxiety. His chest felt tight and tingly.

“Is it because, because… I’m stupid? Because I’m a goldfish, so… you don’t need me…? But that, that I can’t fix, I can’t fix being a goldfish…”

Orca held Niah’s other cheek. Unlike the face that was obediently lifted, his gaze still looked down. The eyelashes on his reddened eyes were completely wilted and dejected. His lower lip, pressed tightly to hold back tears, trembled.

“Niah. You have to speak so I can understand.”

Niah squeezed his eyes shut. He was indeed foolish. A fool who couldn’t even speak properly. That’s why the Young Master and the servants hated him so much. No matter how hard he tried, nothing changed.

The Young Master touching him was all a lie. The delicious food, the warm body heat, and the gentle touch were all lies. They couldn’t be real. If they were real, he couldn’t possibly hate him this much.

“Every day, every day you say I need to be punished, that you’ll punish me. I’m always, ugh, heu…”

Only then did he roughly get the picture. He had wondered why he didn’t grin even when he was being petted. In any case, there was a considerable leap in logic this time as well, but he understood the circumstances. Orca rubbed Niah’s eyelids, which had quickly become damp, with his thumb. At that, Niah began to sob even louder.

“I told you I worked hard. I listen well, ugh… I’ve never been lazy, I always worked hard, heu, worked hard. But, you don’t even call me pretty, heuk, you only scold me… You say I’m ugly, that you don’t need me, that you hate me, eu, heuu… The truth is, it’s not, heuk, not okay at all. You just, just say I need to be punished… oo, ugh…”

As he savored the sorrowfully sobbing Niah, Orca curled the corners of his mouth. It was a fine arc, like a crack in glass. After brushing away the tear-laden eyelashes, he moved his dress shoes to fit snugly against Niah’s neatly placed shoes and approached. His expression was clearly filled with interest. He spoke softly, intending to coax him into stopping his tears.

“When did I ever say you were ugly, hm?”

But his intention failed completely. It was because, on the contrary, Niah burst out crying, “Waaaah.” Niah literally bawled his eyes out. He cried his heart out like a child who had lost his parents’ hands in the midst of a war. Orca called, “Niah, Niah,” several times, but he was not easily calmed. Normally, he should have burrowed into his chest and been breathing softly after a short while. At this point, Orca was also flustered.

“Niah?”

Instead of the gentle behavior he had expected, Niah struggled and wriggled out of his grasp. He couldn’t shake him off at once, but he soon did. Orca had to let him go, fearing he might hurt him if he kept holding on. If he wasn’t careful, his neck could snap, and he could die.

Niah, who had taken a few steps back from Orca, wiped his face roughly with his sleeve. He was almost half out of his mind.

“I, I hate you too, Young Master… You’re the same, Young Master.”

“Niah.”

“I know too. I know I’m stupid. But, still, I worked hard… Why do you always say you hate me, say bad things, everyone, hurts me, that makes me sad too, I don’t forget everything either… I remember the things I don’t like too, why, why… ugh. I’m going to hate you too. I don’t like you at all. I really don’t, don’t like you… I hate you. I don’t like you. …You’re a liar.”

Orca was left alone. It was because Niah had run out before he had a chance to comfort him. He watched beyond the narrowly open door. The sobbing that faded as he ran away made his solar plexus tighten. Then it felt somewhat empty. Soon, it filled up completely. The corners of Orca’s mouth, which had been frozen in the unexpected situation, drew a perfect arc. The bewilderment turned into pleasure.

He didn’t trust the words “I hate you” in the slightest. In fact, it sounded like the opposite. More important was the honest resentment that stumbled out, as if even he were saying it for the first time. The goldfish’s resentment was soft and delicate. The blunt edge treated himself recklessly, not the other person. He was hurt by his own words and shed tears, drip, drip. It was as if he had never blamed anyone before.

How innocent and naive. How foolish, how pitiful. How, how…

The days when he must have lived pressed down like a wildflower in a field, stepped on as he was stepped on, seemed to be drawn before his eyes. That weakness was amusing, then admirable that he was alive, then the resentment that he didn’t know it was just like him and so cute, then suddenly, he realized with a start. It was because he had belatedly realized the sound of crying had disappeared from nearby. The goldfish seemed to have already scurried and rolled off somewhere.

Orca hurriedly left the room. The gap in the door, which had been open just enough for “Niah,” widened to the size of “Orca.” His steps were hurried as he went down to the first floor in an instant and strode out the front door. It felt like the first time in his life he had faced a moment where he couldn’t act calmly. The heart that repeatedly swelled as if to burst and then shrank was cumbersome. He stood blankly, turning his gaze to every corner of the garden and listening intently. The servants, who had been busy finishing their duties, glanced at Orca, who had appeared suddenly. The garden, covered in the evening glow, was entirely tinged with orange.

Niah was not in the garden. Orca was extremely annoyed that the only thing he could hear, no matter how much he strained his hearing, was the sound of his own heart. He tried taking a deep breath, but it had little effect. His steps turned toward the greenhouse. He didn’t think he would have fled to this place of all places, but he wanted to check anywhere first. He quickly looked around the space that had become quite familiar. There was, as expected, no one in the greenhouse. Since Niah wasn’t there, it was as good as no one being there for him.

Coming back out to the garden, Orca tried his best to think and think again. Despite the open view, he felt frustrated. The tall and long exterior of the mansion was suddenly annoying. He was about to go to the west wing distillery but instead went down to the basement where the servants’ quarters were. It was from the guess that he would have hidden in a place familiar to him.

But the basement was empty. He had opened every door he could see, but he couldn’t see Niah, let alone any other servants. The distillery, which he visited after the basement, was the same.

“This is really…”

Finally giving up on guessing Niah’s destination, Orca went around rummaging through the mansion. He went into any place he saw and looked inside. He couldn’t just pass by even low closets that seemed impossible for a person to enter or very narrow gaps. To him, Niah was so small that just by looking at the exterior, he couldn’t possibly guess where he might be. He felt like he would never find him if he judged by his own standards.

Only the servants, who were suddenly caught off guard, held their breath in an unknown fear. They made all sorts of imaginations and created yet another bizarre story.

Each time he failed to find the thoroughly hidden Niah, Orca’s mood sank low. As the same situation as before repeated, he even became angry. His own behavior, making such a fuss to find a single servant, was pathetic. Nevertheless, his sensitive hearing had still lost its original function and only let him hear the sound of his own heart.

He came to his room, wondering if he might have returned, and sighed deeply. He was getting stubborn. He had never been interested in games like hide-and-seek even as a child, but now he was engrossed in it.

He vowed to find Niah and this time, really punish him. He wouldn’t go easy on him even if he cried, and he wouldn’t accept it even if he begged and clung to him. Since a mere servant had made him, the master, suffer so much, he would have to receive a fitting punishment. It didn’t matter what. Anyway, it was obvious the goldfish would be scared no matter what he did. In any case, there was only one thing he had to do right now.

There were only a few places left in the mansion that he hadn’t been to. Orca, who had needlessly wiped his face to compose himself, suddenly thought of the lake. The forest and the lake, it was a pretty plausible place for the goldfish to have run away to. It was probably one of the familiar places. He set out to find Niah again, not even tired.

Niah, who had come out to the back garden of the mansion through the servants’ staircase, climbed the hill as if being chased. Because he had cried his eyes out, he was out of breath, and his legs, which had lost their strength, swayed on their own. He rolled on the grass several times while passing through the forest path to the lake. Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt, but that didn’t mean he was unscathed. His clothes were stained with muddy water and became dirty, and his eyes, which he had constantly wiped while running, were red and raw. By the time he collapsed behind a large tree in the forest, his whole body was a mess. Even though he had fallen on soft ground, he ached and throbbed all over. Niah, looking down at his own state, hugged his knees. He sat blankly, submerged in sorrow, then rested his forehead on them and sobbed. He began to regret what he had done.

I should have said I was sorry. That I was wrong, then we would be together now. So stupid. He’ll make it so I can’t come back, like last time. Because I said something strange. Because he’s angry. What if he kicks me out of the mansion? I’m such an idiot. I’ll never see him again. It’s okay if he doesn’t praise me, it’s okay if he says he hates me, I just have to endure it. Because I’m stupid, I messed everything up again. What if I really get kicked out? Then, then, what do I do. I don’t know. I’m scared. I’m scared. I hate this. I’m scared.

His tangled mind was engulfed in uncontrollable anxiety. A terrible feeling pierced him. He couldn’t judge where it had gone wrong. Niah hugged his heart, which had festered without his knowledge, and curled up his arms and legs. He would rather just disappear like this.

The sunset setting over the mountain ridge deepened. The languid time flowed quietly. Niah, unable to go back, held his breath in the silence. It felt like if he sat still like this, he would crumble and become fertilizer. It seemed nice to become useful, like rotten fallen leaves, and live in the forest. Then there would be no being kicked out of the mansion, no being scolded, no being sad, and no seeing the angry Young Master.

A slow wind blew. The fresh scent, tinged with sunlight, brushed the tip of his nose. The wind rustled through his hair, lingered around him, and stayed for a long time. Niah, out of habit, thought of Orca. Actually, he wanted to go back to the Young Master. Even if he didn’t need him, he wanted to go back and stay. He wished the day he would leave would never come. He wanted time to flow slowly. He wanted to live in a time that was generous to his greed.

Orca recognized Niah, hidden by the tree, at a single glance. The loud beating of his heart subsided, and the soft sounds made by the goldfish trembled. A sense of relief washed over him, as if by a lie.

“Niah.”

Startled by the call from nearby, Niah quickly lifted his head. At first, he thought he was hearing things. But the low voice didn’t end with just one call and came closer little by little. Rustle, the forest was stepped on. He heard his name. While thinking he had to run away, he couldn’t move. His heart pounded so hard it hurt.

Suddenly, a shadow fell. Niah’s gaze slowly crawled up, following the figure standing with its back to the sun. No sooner had he done so than it was pulled back down. The expressionless face was watching him from just a handspan away. Tears that had welled up burst out and flowed down in streams.