ORCA 47

“You came with your hair all dry today. You always used to come with it wet.”

“Huh? Ah… my hair…. That’s because, today I was standing outside for a long time….”

“Why.”

Niah hesitantly averted his gaze, looking down at his and Orca’s shoes. The rounded toe of his shoe and the tip of one of Orca’s slippers were pressed together as if sharing a kiss. He furtively turned his foot to separate them, then brought them back together. Niah, hunched over and shrinking, brought his hands together in front of him.

He wasn’t like a pervert; he was, precisely and definitely, a pervert. He was the pervert of all perverts, who couldn’t even dare to pray that the ‘stupid goldfish’ would make him forget what he’d done, for fear of receiving an even worse punishment. After a moment’s hesitation, he gave an answer that was neither truth nor lie. His timid voice was tinged with uncertainty.

“Umm… just, because there was a lot of laundry….”

As he gave the unremarkable reason, the back of his pale neck flushed red. Orca, who had found it quite odd, just said, “Alright,” and left it at that. The sound of his own pounding heart beat against his eardrums. Orca kept his mouth shut, thinking that if he let on that he knew, Niah would bolt in terror.

He was willing to pretend not to know. He concluded that Niah was either having strange thoughts on his own again or was fidgeting out of embarrassment over what he’d done yesterday, and made himself understand. If it was embarrassment, he figured Niah would get used to it eventually, so he decided to wait.

Since Niah’s nature was on the simple side, he thought he would be back to his usual self by tonight or tomorrow morning. It was a bit of a shame not to hear his chattering voice, but hearing the sound of his pounding heart and his short, panting breaths all morning instead wasn’t so bad. In any case, the goldfish’s gaze followed him around dutifully.

So, he just let him be, even when he kept trying to keep his distance, even when he would stare intently and then avoid his eyes when they met, even when he would flinch for no reason, and even when, unlike usual, he would suddenly run off, saying he had to go somewhere.

Seeing him so flustered was frustrating, but Orca just watched without a word. He could do so because he knew Niah would come back to him. And indeed, he would return quickly and stay by his side. Although he would position himself at a considerable distance, that too was fine.

Rather, it was endearing how, even while being shy, Niah diligently carried out his duties. It was amusing to watch him move about so earnestly, sneaking glances at him. The small body bustled about here and there. He would flutter away and then flutter back. He was just like a goldfish swimming in water. If he had been born a furry creature, he would have been a palm-sized squirrel or a finger-sized bird. But he couldn’t imagine a squirrel with orange markings. A goldfish suited him best.

Orca even made plans, thinking maybe he should create an opportunity to have him transform into his beastman form in the fish tank—no, the bathtub. The image of his light orange hair and white skin changing into scales that shimmered like moonlight and a gracefully flowing fin painted itself in his mind. He had only seen the beastman form once, but it must have left a strong impression, as he could recall it vividly.

The goldfish that had flapped in his grasp was tiny and insignificant. The small body that had struggled in agony was just as small and trivial when humanized. He once again recalled the sight of him, soaked in water, panting and begging. Looking back now, it seemed there wasn’t much difference between his human and goldfish forms.

The goldfish was white, weak, flinched often, and orange. However, seeing him just once was far from enough to satisfy his desires. Orca felt a renewed urge to observe Niah as a goldfish, examining every inch of him.

About this big, no, it was this big.

Sitting on a greenhouse bench, he spread his thumb and forefinger to gauge the size. He shortened and lengthened the fairly wide gap by half, searching his memory. It seemed right when he stopped at the length of two of his knuckles. Orca, staring at the measured space, stroked his chin with his other hand. Is it too small this time, he wondered, but he didn’t try to estimate a larger size. As he stared intently at the space created by his fingertips, a single goldfish appeared and swam between them. The orange illusion that appeared in the air waved its fin in a cheerful greeting.

There it goes again.

He acknowledged his condition matter-of-factly. It was the first time he had seen a hallucination of the goldfish and not the human Niah, but he accepted it without making a fuss. Having already experienced the symptom of Niah appearing at all hours calling, “Young Master, Young Master,” it was no longer surprising. It wasn’t just a day or two that he had been losing his mind. In fact, he was quite satisfied. He hoped he would see it more often.

The goldfish swayed its fin. It even rubbed its forehead against him, acting cute. Wiping away the illusion as if hiding it in his palm, he stood up from the bench. He was starting to feel like going back to his room.

“When will you be done.”

Niah, who had been squatting a few steps away, fell flat on his bottom. His face, startled by the sudden voice, looked terrified. Orca twisted his eyebrow. The loud thumping of his heart and his panting breaths were one thing, but the look in Niah’s eyes as he stared up at him was deeply irritating. The emotion flying toward him was sharp-edged. It looked like… fear.

It was easy to recognize, as it resembled the look in the eyes of the other servants of the estate, the soldiers in the war zones, and the enemy soldiers. Seeing the fear he caused was not unfamiliar. Orca bent his knees, his expression nonchalant.

“Uh, uh, almost, done….”

Niah answered while huddled on the ground. He ducked his head low, afraid that if their eyes met, Orca would discover everything he had done. Cold sweat trickled down his back. At this rate, he wouldn’t be able to get anything done. He was in a daze, continuously caught in difficult situations. He had tried to focus on his daily tasks by rushing around frantically, but it was hard to shake off the dream.

Just looking at the young master, just smelling his scent, no, just the fact that the young master was nearby would make his lower abdomen clench. The slightest lapse in concentration, and his lower half would suddenly grow taut. It seemed more likely he would go mad before he was kicked out for being discovered as a pervert.

He was reaching his limit in making up excuses to get away from the young master for a while. Niah needed time, however brief, to calm his heart. His heart was so anxious that he had quickly become exhausted. It was only just afternoon, but his body already felt weary.

“Um, Young Master…. Would you like to… go on ahead…? I’ll follow you right away….”

The true meaning hidden beneath the carefully uttered suggestion was closer to a demand than a request. At least, that’s how Orca felt. Wondering if he had done something wrong, he carefully retraced the events of the previous day. If he had frightened him for any reason, he planned to explain that it hadn’t been his intention.

However, no matter how much he mulled it over, he couldn’t find anything to pinpoint. He had only done as Niah had asked, as he had been told. He looked down at the tightly curled-up Niah.

The goldfish’s fingertips trembled. He squirmed in fear. Why? The question arose, and then the speculation that perhaps Niah had learned of his dark desires followed as if it were the correct answer. It was a reason sufficient to explain his changed attitude overnight.

His sensitive hearing brought him useless information. While he was watching the goldfish, he would sometimes overhear conversations murmuring about him. The topic was almost always the same. There were many rumors circulating the estate, but the most absurd among them was that he was a cannibal. Different details were added every day, but it always ended with that story. With everyone talking about it like this, there was no way the goldfish alone could be unaware. If he hadn’t heard the rumors until now, that would be too much of a coincidence.

He had hoped that Niah came to him each time despite knowing. He had hoped that he knew all about the rumors and still came running to cling to him. But seeing his reaction now, it seemed that had been an excessive desire on his part.

It was the moment he realized that the only reason Niah had been able to grin at him so defenselessly was simply because he didn’t know the rumors. If he had anticipated that even the goldfish would feel fear toward him, he would have clarified the facts when he first became aware of the rumors spreading.

Niah was still curled into a ball, waiting for his answer. Orca slowly wiped a hand over his face. He doubted whether Niah would believe him outright if he corrected him and said it wasn’t true. No matter how simple-minded he was, he didn’t seem like he would believe it so easily. He might say he believed him, but he would surely feel fear the entire time they were together.

He even doubted whether he had the right to say it wasn’t true in the first place. Every time he saw the goldfish, every moment he was in his sight, all he did was plot to devour him. Even if he had no intention of actually acting on it, that was the undeniable truth.

Perhaps the problem wasn’t the rumors, but him. It was possible that something he thought he was only thinking had slipped out of his mouth, or that he had been too obvious, and that was the cause of this. Since he had spouted some nonsense about eating him all up a few days ago, the possibility was certainly there.

Either way, it meant it wasn’t the goldfish’s fault. Being naturally timid, it was only a natural instinct to be frightened and avoid him; it wasn’t a flaw. The fact that he had stood outside for a long time suggested he had hesitated a great deal before coming, and that he had come without running away in the midst of that was commendable. But even so, he couldn’t help the wave of disappointment that washed over him.

‘It’s okay, though. It’s okay if you’re strange, Young Master. It’s okay if you’re not human. I just…. I just like you.’

You said you liked me then. You said it was okay even if I was strange, even if I wasn’t human.

Orca asked in a listless tone, unlike himself. He felt a scornful laugh rise at his own pathetic self, disheartened by just a few words, a few actions.

“…Niah. Are you scared of me?”

“What? No. I’m not. It’s not like that….”

The immediate denial, just as he had expected, lacked credibility. The goldfish’s gaze flickered toward him for a moment. The sideways glance that met his quickly darted away. His eyelids, repeatedly closing and opening, were restless. His cheeks puffed out from his fidgeting lips, a sign of his nervousness. It wasn’t even that hot, but his cheeks were flushed. The breeze that gently blew in through the open door ruffled the goldfish’s hair. A few strands of his bangs stuck to his sweat-beaded forehead.

Is there a straw hat in the dressing room? Probably not.

He regretted not ordering one when the tailor came.

“If not, then why,”

He extended his hand, making a pointless regret. He had no intention of scolding him for the obvious lie. He was just curious about the exact reason. If it was really because of the cannibal rumor, he was going to correct it, even if Niah didn’t believe his explanation. If it wasn’t because of the rumor and he had simply discovered his dark nature, he was going to promise he would never eat him. But before he could finish his sentence, his thoughts came to a halt.

Hissing in terror at the approaching hand, Niah hid between his own knees. Orca’s hand hadn’t even touched him. Niah clutched at his chest to somehow control his pounding heart. If he kept this up, it was no different from openly begging for him to notice.

He didn’t want to be found out. If he was found out, he would be kicked out, and he hated that more than anything. He would rather be eaten. The young master was huge, so he could probably swallow him whole in one bite. Then, even if he were eaten, it probably wouldn’t hurt and would be okay. A few days ago, the young master had even said he would chew him up from his fingertips and eat him all. Maybe it would be better to ask him to eat him before he was found out.

Orca, whose hand had stopped in mid-air, pulled it back and wiped his face once more. A strange light glinted in his eyes. He quickly covered his eyes. Just from Niah avoiding his touch once, the boundary between reason and instinct had crumbled in an instant, shaking him uncontrollably. His reason became chaotic, and his instinct turned grim.

His nerves on edge, his hearing would pick up sounds from far away, then miss sounds from right next to him, over and over. The Niah from the day he refused to come to his side even when called overlapped with the Niah of the present.

“Um, Young Master….”

Orca ground his molars.

Right, just. Should I just kill him? Now that it’s come to this, should I just kill him, swallow him whole, and leave this place? Anyway, if the goldfish is gone, any more than this, any longer….

“Young Master…?”

The small call that sounded as if it were being driven into his ear stopped his thoughts once again. Niah, sensing something was wrong, knelt without hesitation. To see the face hidden behind his hands, he placed both his hands on the ground and tilted his head. Still unable to see well, he called out again, “Young Master,” in a small voice. He postponed his request to be eaten for a bit. The urgent matter at hand was to check on his young master’s well-being. The young master was more important than him. Niah, growing anxious, fidgeted and gaped his mouth. The tails of his words stretched out meaninglessly, filling the space between them.

“Uh, uh… huh? Um, Young, Young Master? Where, where does it hurt…?”

It was an innocent question. Orca felt so pathetic he could hardly bear it. But even more foolish than him was the goldfish. While he was envisioning an impure future, the goldfish was pouring all his energy into worrying about him.

He was displeased at the sight of him, who had just been trembling in fear, now approaching to check on him as if nothing had happened. He was angry, and while he was angry, he also felt a sense of endearment. The desire to kill him swelled several dozen times over, then subsided. Far from killing him, he wouldn’t be able to put a single scratch on his body. But he had no confidence that he could shake off this ominous desire entirely. Having been born this way, living like this was the best he could do.

Enduring like this, being patient for his entire life.

“Dammit.”

Orca left Niah behind and exited the greenhouse. His receding strides were wide and urgent.

Niah stared blankly at him as he moved away faster and faster before disappearing. His back, visible beyond the transparent walls of the glasshouse, soon vanished completely from sight. His slanted, round eyes instantly welled up with tears.

‘Niah. Go on back. You need to go to sleep.’

‘You should go. You said you were late. You need to go eat.’

‘Alright. Go on.’

Never once, not once had this happened before. The young master, who always saw him off, had abandoned him and left. His surroundings turned black, as if scorched. It felt like he was having a nightmare. It seemed that even if he lit all the candles the young master had given him, he wouldn’t be able to dispel this darkness.

Niah staggered to his feet. He didn’t know if he was allowed to follow. But he wanted to run after him and say something, anything. The words he himself had said were all erased from his memory, and only the fact that he had been abandoned was seared into his mind. Real fear crept over him.

Niah gasped for breath, panting heavily. It felt like his throat and solar plexus would tear from running so hard. Not a single step was wasted as he ran from the greenhouse all the way to the fourth floor of the central building. As he crossed the large garden, climbed the spiral staircase, and traversed the long corridor, he thought only of Orca. What he would say when he got there and what kind of answer he would receive were secondary. He just didn’t want to be abandoned like this. If he was abandoned even by his young master, he had no idea where he should go. No one, no place, would take in the stupid goldfish.

Niah straightened his clothes out of habit. He brushed off the dirt and rubbed his palms clean. The clothes he had just cleaned were stained again, but he didn’t notice. Lastly, he hid his wet face and composed his ragged breathing. Should I beg first, should I kneel and cling to him, he wondered as he moved right up to the door. The hand that gripped the handle trembled. He desperately suppressed the worry of what he would do if it was locked. It felt like the longer he took, the more certain his abandonment would become.

Fortunately, as soon as he stepped through the open door, he saw a large back. Orca, rooted to the spot as if frozen just a single step away, was shaking all over. The hands covering his face were twitching faintly. Niah, who had been staring at that back for a long time, quietly took a step forward. He closed the very short distance as deliberately and carefully as possible.

He thought Orca was angry at him and had abandoned him. So he was going to beg for forgiveness. Even if he had to hear what he did wrong later, he wanted to beg and be forgiven first. That was the only thing he could do right now. But right now, the young master seemed less angry and more….

Niah, cowering like someone who had seen something they shouldn’t have, hesitantly came to stand face-to-face with Orca. He kept moving his lips without realizing it. He could taste blood from his split lip. It stung every time he touched it, but he couldn’t stop due to a sense of unease he couldn’t explain. His clasped hands turned pale and cold.