ORCA 38

When he held just one of Niah’s hands to check his temperature, the other one hastily latched on as well. The back of his hand and his palm became warm. He was a little displeased by the way Niah’s eyes darted around, gauging his reaction, but he liked the warmth being transferred to him.

“Do you have anything to do this afternoon?”

After pondering the question carefully, Niah opened his mouth with difficulty. His tone was as if he were making a wish to the stars, the moon, or some great angel. For all that, his request this time was a small one.

“I do. Um… do you want to go… see the tomatoes….”

“Okay.”

“…Together.”

Orca shook off the two hands that were gripping him tightly. Niah’s eyes widened, thinking he was being rejected, and he looked at him with a desperate expression. He felt sorry for using the young master, but he didn’t want to face Pepe alone. Niah pinched his own thigh hard.

“Okay.”

Simultaneously with the reply, a wave of heat approached, spreading past his cheeks and ears to the nape of his neck. Niah grabbed Orca’s wrist and pulled him forward again. The cheek resting on his palm puffed up like a muffin in an oven. Orca stroked it with his thumb. It looked delicious, like a muffin baked with strawberry jam mixed in.

Going to the vegetable garden together was fun. Pepe was really there, just as he had suspected, but it wasn’t scary because the young master was by his side. Today, he had even praised him three times. The braised meat they ate in the young master’s room instead of the dining hall was delicious, and he’d even told him to take a bath before leaving, so there was no need to go down to the basement late at night. After letting a moment of sadness and fear pass, only happy and good things happened, like a gift.

When he went to bed hugging the young master’s shirt, a laugh escaped on its own. He squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for tomorrow to come quickly. He had always wished for the sun to rise late, but recently he wished for the morning to hurry. He wanted the days to be long and the nights to be short.

He thought it would be nice if the young master stayed at the mansion for a long, long time. Even if he left, he thought it would be nice if he returned quickly so they could meet again. But more than that, for now, he just wanted to fall asleep quickly and wake up to go to the young master. The thought of the young master kept making him giggle.

“Ugh… hh, ughh…”

So the nightmare that began as soon as he fell asleep was no different from an unpleasant guest who had thrown the door open without warning.

On days when he was sick or had been scolded particularly harshly, he always had scary dreams. The more he thought about not wanting to have them, the deeper he was left alone in a dark nightmare. The nightmare was like a shadow; the more he tried to forget it, the more tenaciously it followed him.

Each time, he was standing in an unknown place. In a colorless town, something was bursting with a thud and someone was screaming shrilly. A tremendously loud noise came from far in the distance. He only watched it. He just stood there stiffly, watching the legs running somewhere.

Pepe and Andrian weren’t there. There wasn’t a single person to hurt him; he just stood still. He stood still and looked around the dusty street. Then, when his vision went black, he would jolt awake.

A sudden chill ran through his body, which had become damp with sweat. It was so cold that he huddled under the blanket. It was an inexplicable fear. Nothing scary had happened to him, but his heart was pounding and he was out of breath. His arms and legs were trembling.

The pitch-black room made him doubt whether he was truly awake. The closet, where no light seeped in, was just like a square box. It felt as if someone had latched it from the outside, trapping only him inside. He found the candle he had hidden and lit it. The darkness retreated for a moment, then rushed back in like a predator as soon as the wick died down.

Niah called this a nightmare.

Orca, who had been dozing, slowly opened his eyelids. It was because of a presence that was slowly approaching from the end of the hallway. The steps were slow and careful. They were light, taken with a narrow stride. The sound of a hand touching the wall was mixed in from time to time. Shallow inhales and short exhales of ragged breathing followed. The footsteps became more urgent as they got closer. Yet, the quiet gait approached with bated breath.

There was almost no one who had business on the central fourth floor. Except for the goldfish who came and went at any time from morning until bedtime, only one or two servants responding to his summons or bringing washed clothes would enter. Even they would only sneak in around noon, taking advantage of his absence. When he returned from being out, he would find only a wide basket piled high with clothes left unceremoniously in front of the door. In any case, few people ever came in, and there was even less reason for anyone to visit in the late hours of the morning.

His parents were the same. If they had something to say at this hour, they would have sent a servant to deliver the message. They were not the types to wander around without an attendant. Above all, with the party just around the corner, their outings had become more frequent in recent days, so they were often away from the mansion. Today, as it happened, they were away.

He had now reached the point where he could recite the talk of engagement, which they tirelessly repeated while busy satisfying their desire for honor. The dozens of reasons they brought up each time were identical, never once out of order. He knew that it would be more comfortable for him to just play along moderately during his stay.

However, it was starting to get on his nerves, so he had to exercise considerable patience to prevent himself from causing any trouble. He considered ignoring them and avoiding them altogether, but that wasn’t a very good method, as they would surely find him wherever he was in the mansion and pester him. Lately, he was mostly with the goldfish, so he had a strong desire not to show him that side of things.

Above all, he could easily tell who the presence was, regardless of his own circumstances or the late hour. The way of walking was familiar. It was a sound he heard every morning and evening, at all hours.

Getting out of bed, Orca threw the door wide open. In the hallway, as expected, the goldfish was standing pressed against the wall, waiting for him.

“Young master…”

“Come here.”

His just-woken, husky voice resonated heavily. The light spilling from the room illuminated him faintly. Niah took a step toward the hand extended solely for him. Confidence was added to the steps he had taken down the hallway with a mix of anxiety and worry. When he had come down the stairs recklessly, he had debated several times whether to go back even then, but seeing the young master in person made his heart, which had felt like a stone, sink down in relief.

“I, I ran out of candles, and it’s dark… And morning isn’t coming, so…”

“Niah. If you talk like that, I won’t know what’s wrong.”

While Niah was sorting out his jumbled stories, Orca brushed back his damp hair. Wondering if he had cried, he touched the area around his eyes. He was relieved to feel only soft skin and wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. He had sweated so much that his whole body was damp. He didn’t seem to be sick since he didn’t have a fever, so he wondered why he was like this. On the contrary, if left like this, it seemed he would get seriously ill like last time.

“First, come in.”

He led Niah. But Niah collapsed with a flop before he could even take a few steps. The moment he was certain he had escaped the nightmare, his entire body went limp. He didn’t have the strength to lift a single finger. But strangely, a chuckle kept escaping.

“Young master… I have no strength…”

Orca was displeased that the goldfish, who had collapsed before he could even catch him, was giggling, but he didn’t show it. He pointlessly placed the back of his hand on his forehead to check his temperature again. Far from being hot, the cool skin was clammy. He was annoyed that the goldfish, who couldn’t even stand on his own, was nuzzling him as if something was so great. Of course, he didn’t let this show either and swallowed it down.

Bending his knees, he stooped down and had Niah wrap his arms around his neck. He supported the back of the goldfish who clung to him obediently and lifted him up from under his bottom. Niah said, I’m sorry, and hugged him gently. Orca said nothing and went straight to the dressing room.

After seating Niah on the table in the dressing room, Orca turned on a light. The bulb under the tall lampshade emitted a yellow light. He thought it might be worse if it were too bright, so he only turned on one. The goldfish was giggling, but he seemed unsettled somehow. He silently brought his hand under his collar. The goldfish flinched.

“I’ll do it. I can do it now. Look.”

“Do what? Just stay still.”

Orca stopped the goldfish, who was flailing his arms about, and made him calm down. Niah became obediently quiet. He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth and breathed shallowly. The corners of his mouth, which had been twitching, became still. Tonight, of all nights, he didn’t want to go back to his room.

“I’m not angry.”

Orca let the words slip out at the goldfish’s silence, which made his thoughts perfectly clear. Niah quickly nodded his head. His hands each gripped the edge of the table, his mouth remained shut, and he just nodded his head several times.

As if to scold the goldfish who still didn’t believe his words, Orca stroked his chin and began to unbutton his shirt, one by one. He intended to change him out of his wet clothes. He thought it would be better to put him to sleep first rather than give him a bath, so he only brought a dry towel. His plan was to wipe off the sweat and change him into new clothes. But for some reason, his hands slowed down as more skin was revealed. He couldn’t just let him do it himself now, so he steadfastly kept his hands moving. It was a good thing he had only turned on one light in the dressing room.

“Come down. Can you stand?”

“Yes, I’m okay. I can stand.”

Niah was no different in his embarrassment. At this rate, he would end up showing his completely naked body, which was of course awkward. If it had been daytime, his whole body would have been revealed to be bright red. Niah pressed his voice down firmly to hide his shame. It was a relief that the dim light only showed his silhouette.

After taking off his shirt, Orca hesitated for a brief moment before hooking his fingers into the waistband of Niah’s pants. He felt him flinch, but he had no room to care. The problem was his thin body, which had begun to tremble faintly, whether from the cold or not. It was understandable that he would feel a chill after sweating so much.

“Are you cold?”

“Pardon? Oh… a little…. Not much, I’m okay…”

Orca grabbed his underwear and pants at the same time and pulled them down. The clothes passed smoothly over the round curves and came down easily. He averted his gaze as much as possible from the briefly visible naked body. Hahp, Niah held his breath and clenched his fists, not knowing what to do. He covered his front with an awkward gesture and slightly stuck his bottom out. Orca, acting nonchalant, bent down on one knee to take off the underwear and pants that had gone down to his ankles.

“Take your foot out. And your shoes.”

Niah did as he was told, but his mind was in a daze. He even began to get confused about whether he was cold or hot. Outwardly, it felt like he was facing a cold winter wind, but inwardly, it was boiling like a pot on a stove. He shook his head to force himself awake from the verge of fainting. He pulled his feet out of the rolled-up clothes and took off his shoes too. It was difficult to keep his balance because of his two hands held in front, so his movements were sluggish. In the end, Niah swayed and grabbed onto Orca. Heat rushed to his face. He thought it would have been better to just fall over. No matter how dim it was, his bare body was embarrassing.

Orca helped Niah, who was leaning on him, stand up straight, then rummaged through a closet, found a new pair of slippers, and put them on him. Niah was busy flailing and covering his front. He didn’t seem to know that the more he did so, the more it drew attention. The air in the dressing room, which had been silent since earlier, was strangely tense. Orca first dried his hair. It wasn’t soaked with water, so it became fluffy relatively quickly.

His body was more urgent than his hair. He had to dry him quickly so he could dress him, so there was no time to dawdle. Orca, uncharacteristically, made his request with a lot of force in his voice. He found himself unbearably pathetic, but he felt he would let out a wretched voice otherwise.

“Arms like this.”

While the large, thick towel passed over various parts of his body, Niah kept his eyes wide open. He couldn’t disobey the command, but he was too embarrassed to have his bare body touched by the young master’s hands, so he couldn’t think of anything. He bit his tongue over and over. At some point, he had forgotten that he had run away because of a nightmare. When the soft texture touched his arms, chest, stomach, back, and then his bottom, he even felt something snap inside his heart. It was the first time he had felt like crying in this way. He would rather have fainted.

“Here. Put your arm in.”

After meticulously drying his body, Orca took a winter shirt out of the closet. He skipped the pants and underwear, thinking the size wouldn’t fit anyway. Niah, half dazed, moved jerkily like a broken marionette. It was only when a thick blanket was draped over his shoulders that he finally looked up at Orca. The blanket wasn’t just draped, but flowed down to his calves, wrapping around his body. As soon as he realized that, the coldness receded and he instantly felt cozy. His insides, which had been boiling, instead became gently calm.

Niah couldn’t hide his dilemma. Last time, he had fallen asleep without realizing it, but not today. He couldn’t bring himself to occupy the young master’s bed while fully conscious. Even if the young master said it was okay, as a servant, he couldn’t just be okay with it.

“The carpet is fluffy too… and I think you would be uncomfortable, young master…”

“What kind of nonsense are you talking about?”

“The floor is fine too. Ah, or on the sofa…,”

“Niah. Do you hate me? Is that why you’re being like this?”

“No. I don’t hate you. I like you, young master. Why, why would you say that? It’s not true. I like you. I like you.”

“Then why won’t you listen to me… Hmm?”

Leaning against the hand that was gently stroking his cheek, Niah slipped under the covers and lay down. He also hugged the blanket tightly. Orca went around the bed and lay down next to Niah. The mattress swayed.

I shouldn’t use him, I shouldn’t keep provoking him, I know he’s intimidated by guilt, yet knowing that, he couldn’t abandon his selfish attitude. It was pleasing to hear the words that tumbled out with just a single prod. It was pleasing to see the desperate expression, his mind so full of him that nothing else mattered.

He tucked the blanket in nicely and then adjusted the covers for him. Niah fidgeted and turned on his side, moving closer into his embrace. Orca pulled his hunched shoulders to completely close the awkward gap and slid his other arm under his face. Since he was the one who had stirred him up, he had no choice but to pat him soothingly. The goldfish, who fit perfectly in his arms, nuzzled his forehead against him. He pulled him a little closer.

“It’s really not true. I like you, young master…”

“I know. I know, but I said something mean. So you can hate me a little right now.”

“No. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all.”

Niah couldn’t understand why he would say something mean to him when he knew everything, but he chose to just stay quietly in his arms. The young master’s bed was soft and warm, and it wasn’t dark thanks to the light that didn’t go out as quickly as a candle, but it was hard to fall asleep. A ridiculous suspicion arose: what if this is a nightmare too? A tingling ache resonated in his chest. He was afraid of the blackness that appeared when he closed his eyes. He felt like he would be trapped in a dream this time for sure.

“Niah. Can’t you sleep?”

“Ah, no. I’m sleeping. I am sleeping.”

Niah burrowed into his embrace. Orca realized that he had done something idiotic again. Except for the day he brought the sansevieria, the goldfish had never come up in the early morning to ask for something. The fact that he hadn’t even listened to the end of his reason for coming to him belatedly came to mind. There must have been a reason for whatever it was, but he had stopped him from doing it. He was a real idiot.

“Young, master. Wait. I, I smell like sweat. Young master, just a moment, ah.”

Orca, hugging Niah, who was struggling, with enough force to crush him, buried his face deep in the nape of his neck. He could smell his body odor, which was stronger than usual. It felt like he could even believe him if he lied and said that flower petals or tiny leaves the size of a fingernail were seeping out instead of sweat. He wondered if this was how the idiots who got addicted to opium because they couldn’t overcome the fear of war felt.