ORCA 24

With every step I took, I could hear a crawling sound following me from under the linaria. The grass, rustled by some part of his body in the process, made a rustling sound. When I deliberately stopped and pretended to look at flowers or shrubs, he would likewise stay in place. I could feel him secretly watching me.

“Young master.”

Besides, I couldn’t possibly not know, since he had been repeating the aimless call over and over again from a while ago. Even though he wasn’t in my line of sight, I felt as if I could see him clearly.

Orca, with a satisfied expression, began to wander around a corner of the wide garden. It was an ambiguous distance to call a walk. Nevertheless, the head butler followed him without a word of complaint. Orca decided it was better to just leave him be than to get into a troublesome argument, so he chose to ignore him. His interest was solely focused on one thing. The orange hallucination continued even with the goldfish right nearby.

Niah pressed himself tightly between the linaria stems. The gaze with which he peeked at Orca, who stood at a distance that was neither far nor near, was pitiful. It was similar to the expression one makes when they have delicious food in front of them but cannot eat it.

Niah would quickly chase after Orca whenever he was about to get farther away, and would hurriedly flee when he got closer, never tiring of watching him. It was because he thought he would be scolded if they ran into each other, since he had been told not to come.

Harriet always told him it would be okay, but now that he actually saw the young master, he lost his courage even more. So he had no choice but to sit in a spot where he thought he wouldn’t be discovered and observe him carefully. He kept his mouth firmly covered and breathed softly, in case he might be noticed. But the voice that popped out of its own accord was not easily held back, which was just as frustrating.

The young master, whom he saw for the first time in a long while, was as handsome as ever. Even when he just stood still, he overflowed with dignity. Even his gait as he walked through the garden looked elegant. He was far more splendid than the expensive paintings or sculptures in the gallery. He found himself lost in admiration without even realizing it. It seemed like he could just watch the young master all day without doing anything.

He became curious about what thoughts such a young master would have while looking at the flowers and trees that he had cared for with all his heart every single day. He would be incredibly happy if he complimented them as being pretty, but for him, who was busy hiding, it was too big of a wish.

Following his thoughts that stretched out in random directions, Niah bit his lips over and over. His lips, which he had been biting whenever he had a spare moment in the past few days, or more accurately, whenever he thought of Orca, were tattered like rags. Blood seeped out from between the torn and cracked wrinkles because he had only tormented them without giving them time to heal.

The more it happened, the more Niah set his teeth into them. As if punishing himself, he crushed the delicate skin, pressing down firmly. A stinging pain shot through him. He used that pain to suppress the desire to cast everything else aside and just run to the young master.

When he thought of the young master, his heart became bumpy. It just wouldn’t become smooth. His feelings, which only grew bigger and not smaller no matter how hard he tried, were overwhelming. He was not someone he could see just because he wanted to, and he was someone who might leave at any moment.

Besides, the young master was the young master, but he was just a servant, and a foolish goldfish. All he could do was lie in bed and hug the shirt tightly, or feel content that at least this remained in his hands.

Niah stopped peeking at Orca and buried his face in his knees.

Once he had crossed the intangible line he himself had drawn, it was nothing special in retrospect. The lock he had engaged with what he thought was a great resolve seemed like a crude, childish act. The tightness in his chest, which had been completely blocked, felt relieved with just one short walk.

Once he put a time limit of ‘until I go back’ on all his actions, his heart also felt much lighter. It was as light as the goldfish that could be lifted with just one arm. It was a simple knot.

After dismissing the thoughts for his own convenience and attaching a plausible rationalization, the next process was so easy and simple. Now, the only thing left was the decision of when it would be good to call the goldfish back.

In any case, the final moment would surely come. Even if he were to use some trick to postpone the day of his return, it wouldn’t be long before an order to return to the unit would be issued from the corps. The soldiers who guarded the border regions were always shorthanded, no matter how many times their numbers were replenished. It was natural, since they died every day.

He had left the command authority to his deputy commander, but if he did not participate in the battles himself, there would be a change in the battalion’s military strength. So, even if he were to get his leave extended in consideration of the circumstances of having performed his duties for a long period without any days off, he would have to return once summer passed.

“I’m really doing all sorts of things.”

When he left the battlefield, he was confident that three or four days would be enough, but now he was writing a letter to extend his leave, making him feel foolish all by himself.

However, there were others who would be horrified if he were to say he would stay for two full seasons. No one in the mansion wanted him to stay long. The servants wished for him to leave as soon as possible, and his parents were pouring all their attention into the upcoming party. They were proceeding with a hasty schedule, intending to get it over with before he disappeared on his own accord. There was no way they would miss the opportunity to elegantly satisfy their desire for ostentation. His birthday or homecoming were treated as nominal pretexts for holding the party. It had always been like that.

With an excuse like this, it was fitting to put on a better show than just some ordinary social party. It was also a good way to secure their standing in high society and further solidify the Ware family’s influence by making connections with other powerful families.

Therefore, for the past few days, all the talk he heard was about the party. They were busy chattering back and forth about who to invite, which room to give to whom, what food to prepare, when the date should be, what kind of floral arrangements for the tables would be good, and so on. It seemed this was the kind of thing they wanted to do, which was why they had been so insistent for three years.

The fortunate thing was that, thanks to this, there would be no one to interfere with whatever he did. Amid the bustle of party preparations, there was no one who would go out of their way to dissuade him from his private life, nor was there any reason for them to disturb him.

The servants were paying excessive attention to his words and actions, but it was enough to keep them in check so they didn’t cross the line. In any case, this leave was nothing more than an impulse. Even he himself could not guarantee when his feet would ever touch this place again. It meant that nothing would change just because he stayed for a little while. It was in the same vein as everyone treating him like someone who would be leaving soon.

Their strange glances felt like a thick wall blocking his path. He wasn’t particularly bothered by it, but it wasn’t a very pleasant feeling. It felt like he had become an inconvenient guest who had arrived far too early for the party date.

His parents were no different. He was not unaware that they were subtly monitoring him with eyes mixed with hospitality and anxiety. Of course, it wasn’t something for him, who had intended to never return for the rest of his life if things went wrong, to feel sad about. If he had to put a name to this feeling, it was neither more nor less than ‘displeasure’. He could only scoff, as if watching the tactics of an enemy who was rampaging about, not knowing they had been found out long ago.

Because of this, Roselphia was nothing more than a difficult place for him. It was a place filled only with oppression wielded with arbitrary standards and lumps of greed that exuded a disagreeable smell. It was fine even if he were to live his whole life on bad terms with his family, which was nothing but a hollow shell, or a house that carried on its lineage with an absurd reputation. He did not feel any sense of regret.

The rank he had achieved in the Border Guard was not an accomplishment obtained through his status as the young master of the Ware family. This much he could assert. Separately, the family would not disown him. It didn’t matter whether he wanted it or not.

Fundamentally, orcas were not of a nature to easily let go of prey they had once bitten. Annoyingly, he had been born with that same nature. Once he bit, he didn’t want to spit it out.

Orca, who had put down his pen, drummed his fingertips on the table. The dull sound created a regular rhythm. His gaze was fixed on the letter on the table. He stared at the piece of paper with a brief reason for requesting a leave extension and his signature written on it, then stood up from his chair. He leaned against the windowsill that offered a clear view of the garden and looked down.

He scanned every nook and corner, but the goldfish was nowhere to be seen. He had been visible, rolling around here and there, just when he had returned to the room, but it seemed he had gone somewhere in the meantime. Instead, he looked at the linaria that densely surrounded the edge of the garden. His gaze was drawn to the flowers he usually had no interest in.

The little goldfish were gracefully swimming along with the breeze. He could not resist his leaning heart. It was an irresistible force.

“Hah, I’ve really gone mad.”

He was helplessly conquered. It was only natural that he was losing the battle, when all he was agonizing over was how to lure a servant, who received nothing but the treatment of a nuisance, back into his room.

Orca closed his eyes for a long moment and then opened them, as if in self-mockery. The small goldfish were still flapping their fins diligently within his field of vision. He couldn’t tell if he was seeing flowers or goldfish. He couldn’t even judge if it was real or a fantasy. He truly could not find any expression to describe it other than the word ‘strange’.

The goldfish was strange. In the eyes that looked at him, there were many things besides fear. They were filled with expectations of being petted or touched, and emotions like delight or joy. He would stick close to him, not wanting to leave, or would fall completely into his arms and share a giddy laugh.

The way he came to the room every morning and evening and headed to the bathroom was like a turtle that had just learned to walk. He would walk slowly and stare at him persistently. His cautious fingers would grasp at the hem of his clothes, and he wouldn’t run away even while crying. He would suddenly push his head forward, silently begging to be petted, to be praised.

A mere goldfish worried about him, wrapping cloth with clumsy skill and drawing over his scars. He was deceived by a ridiculous tease and became anxious about being disliked by him. His heart was as gentle and weak as his soft skin, so he forgot everything he disliked. And yet, today, he had called him ‘young master’.

The goldfish was strange. He had forgotten just fine last time, but this time, he was holding on tightly.

What was stranger than the goldfish was himself. He felt the selfishness of wanting him not to forget him, and at the same time, thinking it would be fine since he would forget him anyway. When he left here and didn’t return, the goldfish would erase his memories of him on his own. Whether that would be simple forgetting, or whether he would want to forget because just remembering him was painful, only the goldfish knew.

When he imagined this future, the burdensome feeling in his chest felt relieved. It seemed okay to act as he pleased, knowing full well that he would forget without being told. Conversely, it became a suffocating and agonizing feeling, as if a stone had been placed on his chest. It was a severe contradiction.

The common sense he possessed did not apply to the goldfish. He couldn’t kill him as he pleased, couldn’t chew and swallow him, couldn’t remove him from his sight, and couldn’t even do trivial actions as he wished. Rather, there were many moments when he found himself doing things he hadn’t done before.

In the late evening, the goldfish would enter the hallway for the last time of the day. In his hands was a tray holding a water bottle and a cup. One day, he also brought the bedsheets that he had forgotten to change in the morning.

Unlike his soft footsteps, the sound of the glass clinking made him unable to hold back and get up from his seat every time. He couldn’t just sit still because of the precarious movements he could feel even without seeing them.

It was like that even when it wasn’t late in the evening. Of course, when he heard the sound of the trolley wheels, but even when he approached alone with his bare hands, he would jump up to open the door for him. Only after placing his hand on the doorknob would he become embarrassed by his own actions.

The goldfish standing behind the door would look at me with a face that said he had been waiting, and grin. The first few times he had been startled, but at some point, he just started laughing, hehe, like an acorn rolling. His head naturally turned because he didn’t take his eyes off me as he came in. He didn’t even pay attention to the water bottle rattling. Then, after the day the goldfish spilled water all over himself, he started by snatching the tray away first.

“Niah. You have to look forward.”

“Yeees… I am looking…”

The goldfish nodded earnestly while scrutinizing my face until it could wear out. He didn’t practice what I told him to do, but he was good at answering obediently. His gaze remained fixed on me. Finding it absurd, I would tilt my head, and he would tilt his head to follow. If I tilted my head the other way and looked, he would tilt his head again.

After being dazed like that, he would suddenly smile faintly. His shiny cheeks would become round like a well-risen brioche. It was truly absurd. Feeling annoyed for no reason, I flicked the tip of the goldfish’s nose with my finger.

“Ouch.”

“What’s so funny?”

I left the goldfish, who was holding his nose in surprise, and strode into the room. The goldfish, left alone, would quickly follow behind me, whining softly, “Young master, young master.” He would stand close by and watch me nervously until I placed the tray on the nightstand beside the bed. In that state, he looked both coy and sullen.

“Young masteer…”

If I silently held his gaze, the goldfish would sneakily reach out his hand. The strength with which he pulled at the hem of my clothes or the sleeve of my robe was weak, but his desire was clear. If I didn’t pretend not to know and stroked his forehead and the nape of his neck, he would immediately beam. On the other hand, if I didn’t do anything for him the whole time and tried to send him back quickly, he would look completely dejected for me to see.

“Come closer, Niah.”

Only when I made the goldfish, who was finally shedding fat tears, sit and kneel before me did I feel some sort of relief. I liked that submissive action. The sound of him sniffling while resting his cheek on my thigh did not feel like noise. Rather, I wanted to fill the twilight hours entirely with the goldfish. And so, I wanted to push him away even more.

Orca, who had been suddenly lost in thought, straightened his body. He immediately moved away from the window and turned around. Instead of the swimming linaria, the scenery of the empty room filled his vision. The expensive furniture didn’t even register in his eyes. It was just an empty room.

Orca squeezed his eyes shut. His situation, where he had not only changed his attitude but had become antsy in just a few days, was not only embarrassing but also pathetic. A sigh escaped him naturally. The only thing he could believe in was the guarantee that all of this would be a temporary situation.

Forcibly retracting his interest in the garden, he rang the bell to summon a servant. It was to order the letter he had just written to be sent to the corps. A presence, appearing as quickly as a lightning fish, knocked cautiously on the door. After a short permission, he quickly entered and bowed his head.

“Send it to Sever.”

“Yes, young master. I will be right back.”

It was such an easy task, anyone would come running at a single word from him, yet the matter of calling the goldfish back repeatedly made him weigh and consider things. It was simple when he told him not to come, but reversing it was somehow not going smoothly. In the process, he only embraced an armful of hesitation.

Time passed meaninglessly. He thought about having him bring tea tomorrow, or going out to the garden and pretending to run into him by chance. After naturally bringing him inside, if he had him sit in front of him as if nothing had happened, it would really become no big deal. All he had to do was torment his soft tongue, making him cry and then soothing him, doing whatever he wanted.

As he did that, summer would soon come, and he planned to leave this place around the time the heat subsided. He had no other plans besides leaving. After he returned to his original position, the goldfish just had to forget him. He also intended to erase everything from his mind. Two seasons were more than enough to resolve the matter of the strange goldfish. It was a clean ending.