ORCA 32

Orca, who had knelt down to face him, scrutinized the goldfish who was already making a fuss before he could even do anything. Strands of hair were stuck to his sweaty forehead. His eyes, which had swollen up in that short time, wouldn’t open properly, completely covering his pupils. The surrounding skin was raw and reddish. His nose was red too. His lips, which he had made smooth over the past few days, were bleeding again from being chewed on. And why were his clothes such a mess? They were dirty with mud in several places. He was the one who had been left alone, yet it was the goldfish who looked like he had been kicked out.

“Niah.”

He wiped the tears collected on his chin with the side of his hand.

“When you’re like this, it makes me feel wronged…”

So much so that his recent vow was laughable, Orca couldn’t do anything. To him, Niah was too small, too weak. Thinner than the linaria blooming in the garden. Easier to burst than an orange. So he felt wronged. So wronged that he was almost upset at the “goldfish,” who was busy crying even with him, who could do nothing, right in front of him.

Whether he knew it or not, Niah was now not just crying but also hiccuping.

Niah lowered his head deeply and twitched his shoulders intermittently. The tears wouldn’t stop. The hiccups continued as well. He was growing more and more short of breath. Orca, who had been watching Niah struggle as he gasped for breath, gently reached out his hand. He placed it over his trembling chest and pressed down gently so it wouldn’t hurt. Then he patted it, pat, pat, to calm him down. He silently just lifted and lowered his palm. It was a soft touch.

Just in case he might burst him, he decided to think of what he was touching now not as a person but as something like pudding. Goldfish-flavored pudding, he couldn’t imagine what it would taste like. Since he had cried so much, he thought it might be salty for now. He had never eaten anything like salty pudding.

“It’s a lie, a lie.”

The trivial thoughts that had been continuing were cut short. It was because of the sentence that flowed out as if it were a grand confession. The waterlogged voice scattered easily. At the same time, the round top of his head lowered even further. After the gradually subsiding cries, short breaths followed. The evening sun poured through the ceiling made by the dense forest. The shadow of the shimmering light settled on the goldfish. His sunset-colored hair fluttered in the wind. The sun was setting over the mountain ridge and toward this place. It was as if the whole world were caressing the goldfish. He too was trying hard to soothe this small body. And yet, the goldfish held his knees tight and trembled. His tense, frightened fingers were pale.

“Did you fall?”

Orca stopped patting and pulled Niah’s hands toward him. He gently dusted off both palms, which had traces of dirt. Niah looked at his hands, held by him, as if they belonged to someone else. It was strange not to be scolded, and the Young Master being kind to him was strange. He had said bad things to the Young Master and run away. He had acted willfully and rudely. So this was strange. If it had been the other servants, they would never have forgiven him.

“Anywhere you’re hurt.”

After his hands, Orca dusted off his calves and forearms. His gaze immediately shifted in detail, carefully examining every part of his body. It wasn’t a question that expected an answer. At a glance, there seemed to be no major injuries. With the thought of returning before it got completely dark, he put his hands under Niah’s armpits. He intended to help him up. His upper body tilted, and the already close distance became even closer. He hugged him tightly, making a plan to bathe him first.

The body, which had been passively entrusted to him, was lifted up lightly. His hunched arms and legs went limp, and his line of sight rose. Even so, the only thing he could see was Orca, who was right against him. In the vast forest, what filled Niah’s vision was not the overgrown trees or lush bushes, but only that one person. Niah paid his full attention only to him.

Orca set Niah down properly and carefully removed his hands. He couldn’t just let him stand there. It was to the point where he thought a newborn foal would be better than this. He was truly a troublesome creature. At this rate, it seemed much more convenient to keep him in a fishbowl. Anyway, if he was left alone, he would come back bullied from somewhere. He either couldn’t take care of his own meals properly, or he would be teased for smelling fishy and become timid, or recently, he would come back with red bruises on his pale skin. It was no different now. He couldn’t stand it for that short a while and had rolled around in the grass, hiding in a shabby state.

If one were to find one difference, it would be the fact that the culprit who tormented the goldfish today was not the servants, but himself. Until now, he had cried and whined because of him every other day without fail, but in the end, he had always caught his breath in his arms. After scaring him moderately and pushing him moderately to see him sniffle and cling, he had soothed him as he wished. That was why he had made him cry in the first place.

The goldfish, who couldn’t hide his inner thoughts, was always honest. Clearly distinct emotions colored the goldfish vibrantly. Anyway, it wasn’t boring to watch him. He would become sullen and then smile brightly. He would whine and then lean against him limply. He had never tasted such peace. So, this was the first time he had run away after bawling his eyes out.

‘I know too. I know I’m stupid. But, still, I worked hard… Why do you always say you hate me, say bad things, everyone, hurts me, that makes me sad too, I don’t forget everything either… I remember the things I don’t like too, why, why…’

The “goldfish” was a labyrinth with no exit. As long as the goldfish, the master of the labyrinth, did not let him out, he had to wander around the same spot. But sometimes, even the goldfish got lost. With an innocent face, he would say, “I don’t know.” It was a bit frustrating, but it wasn’t bad. It was okay. He even thought that since he would forget in the end, it didn’t matter what he did.

However, when he actually saw him unable to recall an event that had happened not even a season ago, his breath caught in his throat. It felt like he was drowning, inhaling water instead of air. Death approached fearfully. It was the first time he had been afraid of death.

He had thought that he would erase all the bad things. He had believed that he would one day cut out everything that was hard and painful on his own. If so, he wanted to remain as a memory that would be cut out as brutally as possible. He believed that if he left this place and didn’t return, the goldfish would soon forget him, and he too would be able to resolve these unidentifiable emotions.

He savored the season, relying on the goldfish’s loss. He wielded him as he pleased and treated him as he wished, looking forward to the arrival of summer. Time would flow, not accumulate. Like the fog after rain, it would disappear when the weather cleared. Like the heat haze of midsummer, it would shimmer and fade away.

‘that makes me sad too, I don’t forget everything either… I remember the things I don’t like too, why, why…’

He couldn’t distinguish whether he, who might accumulate and remain like a memory, would be whose punishment—a punishment he would give, or a punishment that would befall him. Despite his intention to use the goldfish’s trivial memory, he felt more pleased than afraid, and more worried than pleased. He couldn’t define this feeling right now. His mind went flat. However, one thing was certain: he wouldn’t be able to leave the mansion immediately, even knowing it would become troublesome in some way.

“Alright. Shall I beg this time?”

At Orca’s words, Niah sluggishly lifted his head. His gaze rose very slowly, past his chest and neck, to his chin and then to his eyes. Orca caressed the area around Niah’s cheek with the back of his hand. It felt like water-soaked bread. The eyes that finally met were brimming with tears.

“You said you were sad because of me. And that you hated me.”

Niah’s face crumpled. The weak shake of his head vehemently denied the words he had uttered. He wanted to say something, but his voice wouldn’t come out properly. His hesitantly outstretched fingers reached Orca. After hesitating in front of him, he gently grabbed his sleeve. And yet, he trembled, not knowing what to do. He didn’t want to cry, but tears kept welling up.

“Why are you crying. I didn’t even scold you or punish you. …Do you hate me again?”

It seemed he could understand why his family members treated him as an oddball. It wasn’t normal to go out of his way to find a servant who had run away because of him, soothe him, and then make him cry again. The fact that he touched a vulnerable spot, knowing full well he would cry, was what made it so. If he had taken a rod to him, saying he was being impudent to his master, he would have been called normal instead.

But killing the goldfish was too easy. As a punishment, all he had to do was make him stand here overnight. He didn’t even need a rod. He just didn’t feel like it. This much was just right for the goldfish. Sometimes, even this was too much. Today was such a day.

The goldfish withdrew the fingers he had been holding clumsily and covered his eyes. His head, which had been raised, drooped down again. The sobs were cracked and had a metallic sound. After tormenting him to his heart’s content, a corner of his chest grew anxious, wondering if he would faint. It was about time to really stop and take him to his room. It seemed best to wash him warmly, fill his stomach, and then either put him to sleep or soothe him. It would be a bit troublesome if he were to be bedridden for several days like last time.

“Come here. Niah.”

Orca moved the hand that had been stroking his cheek to the nape of his neck. Though he said that, it was he himself who actually approached. The command “come here” had become a habit and came out on its own. He narrowed the gap with Niah. The distance, which had been less than half a step, became even closer, and Niah’s head bumped against his chest with a thud. His hand slid down along his spine.

“I’m sorry…”

The distinctly pressed-out pronunciation was damp. Orca made Niah look at him, intending to stop the apology he hadn’t even asked for. He held his waist with one hand and supported the back of his head with the other. Niah’s fingers, which had been hovering awkwardly, fumbled to grab hold of him.

“That, it’s all a lie.”

“I know.”

“It’s true. It’s really, a lie…”

I told you I know, Orca roughly covered his mouth. If he listened to all of this, he would surely see him collapse. He lowered his knees. He was planning to lift him by the thighs, hang him over his shoulder, and go down.

Niah was upset that the Young Master was brushing off his words. The blunt attitude, which seemed gentle, felt like a reprimand. For a moment, his heels lifted, and his body was pulled. Worried that he might be thrown out like this, the anxious Niah pushed Orca firmly. But he couldn’t get away and instead ended up clinging to his chest. Only the tips of his toes barely touched the ground.

“Uh, uhh… Young Master. Young Master, no. I don’t want to, I. I’m sorry.”

He struggled urgently, but he didn’t budge at all. Niah knew it wouldn’t be of much use and tapped Orca lightly. Then he quickly wrapped his arms around the back of his neck and hugged him tightly. He dangled there, almost on the verge of collapsing. If he exerted this much force, he might be too heavy for him to lift.

He didn’t want to be kicked out. That was what he hated the most. It was better to be in pain and get bruised. It was better to hear bad words. It was much better to be sad because he was told he was ugly and hated. Now that he thought about it, those things were nothing. Compared to being abandoned, he could endure being a little sad.

Orca froze in a half-crouched position and stopped moving. The goldfish, who was hugging him with his insignificant strength, trembled. It was surprising that he could become so desperate. He had made him that way. He had pushed him to a point where he couldn’t retreat any further, making it unbearable not to cling to him.

The line he had drawn had long been broken. He had opened the door himself and waited for this small predator to invade on its own feet. He stood superior with a crude trick and placed the goldfish under his hand. The goldfish, who had obediently knelt, relied on him, begged, pleaded, was scared, and fell into his arms. Just one pat and he would grin foolishly. He was as blind as a baby bird that opens its mouth out of instinct to beg for food. He was so naive it was sickening. A strange excitement rushed in. His jaw tightened, and saliva pooled under his tongue.

“I don’t hate you. I don’t dislike you. It’s a lie. I’ll work harder. I’ll do better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Young Master.”

Niah held onto Orca as if he were hanging from the edge of a cliff. He hugged him with all his might and clutched his shirt. Each and every whispered word was no different from begging. He pleaded like a sinner who had received a death sentence.

“No. I want to stay here… Please let me stay. I’m begging you. I’m begging you, Young Master. Young Maasteer…”

Orca buried his face in Niah, in a position where it was unclear whether he was being hugged or was hugging him. He pressed his nose against the soft skin and planted his lips on it. The subtle floral scent piqued his appetite. On one hand, he wanted to taste it subtly, but on the other, he wanted to sink his teeth in and tear it to shreds. He let the goldfish flow deep into his lungs. He forcibly called back his fading reason and gathered his senses.

“Niah.”

Niah, who had shrunk at the feeling of floating up, burrowed into him. No matter how hard he tried, he was lifted up with ease. The mumbles of “no, I’m sorry” layered on Orca’s collarbone, adding a pathetic weight. Orca supported his buttocks with just one arm and wrapped his other hand around his back.

“I told you I wasn’t scolding you.”

Niah, unable to believe him despite his firm tone, shook his head wildly. His hair fluttered and rubbed against Orca, rub, rub. He immediately left the forest.

The sky was gradually getting dark. A dusky aura lingered in the forest, which was densely packed with trees. The surroundings were silent. Only the small, pitiful voice spurred Orca on to the fullest. Even while passing the lake and heading toward the mansion, Niah continued to beg without being asked. Orca took slow steps. The goldfish was not easily soothed as usual.

Stopping abruptly, he set Niah down to stand on his own. He left the arms that wouldn’t let go of him as they were and just bent his upper body to meet his gaze. It was a moment when he felt like a fool for having made a mere game out of the fear and thirst that had accumulated over a long period of time and bursting it. It became difficult to handle the light body that clung to him. In the midst of it all, the excitement did not subside. His ambivalent feelings also remained the same.

He wanted to coax him with sweet words and lock him in his arms, and at the same time, he wanted to push him to his limit and make him cling. A dark question was thrown: wouldn’t it be okay as long as he didn’t kill him? But the goldfish’s limit was too low and fragile, and he was already clinging every day. With one option removed, only one choice remained in the end. Orca calmly swallowed the lustful desires that Niah would be horrified to hear.

“I just, came to get you. I just looked for you because you disappeared. So stop it.”

He spoke as gently as he could. Niah, not letting go of his suspicion, let out a short breath. After a moment’s pause, he asked hesitantly. The question flowed out cautiously, in a dejected state.

“Is it okay for me to be here…? I won’t get kicked out, and you won’t punish me either…?”

Orca, readjusting his grip on the goldfish who was sending him a look full of distrust, supported his buttocks again. The answer was short and concise.

“Yes.”

Only then did Niah slowly relax his strength. He gently hugged the shoulder he had been gripping with the intention of never letting go and leaned comfortably against it. Orca patted Niah’s lower back rhythmically. The unconscious action was quite gentle. He moved forward with small, slow steps. Niah, exhausted and limp, quickly fell asleep.

Orca recalled the time he had thrown the fainted Niah into the basement hall. He held back a dry laugh that was about to escape and looked down at the goldfish who had fallen asleep in his arms. His plan was the same as before. He was thinking of soaking him in warm water to wash him, then filling his hungry stomach and either putting him to sleep, or soothing him more, as much as he wanted.

The unidentifiable emotion that he had been unable to define until now had now become so complex that he couldn’t even dare to define it. This was the first wave he had ever experienced. He could not go against the flow of the current.