ORCA 57

There were only a few places left in the mansion that he hadn’t checked. Orca, who had smoothed his hair back to compose himself, suddenly thought of the lake. The forest and the lake—it was a quite plausible place for the goldfish to have fled. It was likely one of the places he was familiar with. Without fatigue, he set out to find Niah once more.

Niah, who had reached the backyard of the mansion via the servants’ stairs, climbed the hill as if being chased. Because he had been sobbing, his breath was short, and his weak legs wobbled uncontrollably. While passing through the forest path to reach the lake, he had rolled over on the grass several times. Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt, but he hadn’t come out unscathed either. His clothes were soiled with mud, and the corners of his eyes, which he had rubbed incessantly while running, were red and raw. When he sat down behind a large tree in the forest, he was a mess. Even though he had only fallen on soft ground, he was sore and aching all over. Niah, looking down at his own state, hugged his knees. He sat there blankly, drowning in his sorrow, then rested his forehead on his knees and sobbed. He began to regret what he had done.

I should have apologized. If I had just said I was wrong, I would be with him right now. Like a fool. He won’t let me come near him like before. Because I said strange things. Because he got angry. What if he kicks me out of the mansion? I’m such an idiot. I’ll never see him again. It’s fine if I don’t get praised; it’s fine if he says he hates me, I can just endure it. I ruined everything again because I’m stupid. What if he really kicks me out? What… what would I do then? I don’t know. I’m scared. I’m scared. I hate this. I’m scared.

His tangled mind was consumed by an uncontrollable anxiety. A terrible feeling took hold. He couldn’t judge where things had gone wrong. Niah curled his limbs inward, hugging his festering heart that had worsened without him even knowing. He would rather have just disappeared right then and there.

The sunset crossing over the mountain ridge deepened. The languid time flowed quietly. Niah, who could no longer return, held his breath amidst the silence. He felt that if he just sat still like this, he would crumble and become fertilizer. It would be nice to become useful like a piece of rotten fallen leaf and live in the forest. Then, there would be no need to be kicked out of the mansion, no need to be scolded, no sadness, and no need to see the angry young master.

A slow wind blew. A fresh scent dyed with sunlight brushed the tip of his nose. The wind ruffled his hair, circled around him, and lingered for a long time. Out of habit, Niah thought of Orca. In truth, he wanted to go back to the young master. Even if he said he didn’t need someone like him, he wanted to go back and stay. He wished the day he left would never come. He hoped time would flow slowly. He wanted to live in a time that was generous to his greed.

Orca recognized Niah, who was hidden by the trees, in an instant. His noisy heartbeat quieted down, and the faint sounds produced by the goldfish surged. Like a lie, a sense of relief simply washed over him.

“Niah.”

Surprised by the call heard from nearby, Niah snapped his head up. At first, he thought it was an auditory hallucination. However, the low voice didn’t end with just once and approached bit by bit. Rustle, the forest was stepped upon. He heard his own name. Even though he thought he should run away, he couldn’t move. His heart pounded until it hurt.

A shadow fell over him suddenly. Niah’s gaze crawled slowly up, following the silhouette that stood with its back to the sun. As soon as it reached the top, it was pulled back down. An expressionless face stared at him from a distance of only a span. Tears that had burst forth streamed down.

Orca, who sat down facing him by bending his knees, examined the goldfish, who was making a fuss before he could even do anything, from top to bottom. Strands of hair were stuck to his sweaty forehead. His eyes, swollen by now, were barely open, covering his pupils entirely. The surrounding skin was raw and red. His nose was red, too. His lips, which he had made smooth over the past few days, were stained with blood, as if he had been chewing on them again. His clothes were a mess, soiled with dirt here and there. He was the one left alone, but the goldfish was the one who looked like he had been kicked out.

“Niah.”

He wiped the tears pooling at his chin with the back of his hand.

“When you act like this, I’m the one who feels aggrieved…”

Despite what he had just vowed to do, Orca couldn’t do anything—it was laughable. To him, Niah was too small and too weak. He was thinner than the Linaria flowers blooming in the garden. He was easier to crush than an orange. So, he felt aggrieved. It was to the point of feeling regretful and bitter because of the “goldfish” who was busy crying even with him, who couldn’t do anything, standing right in front of him.

Whether he knew that or not, Niah was now past the point of crying and had started hiccuping.

Niah bowed his head deeply, his shoulders bouncing intermittently. The tears wouldn’t stop. The hiccups continued. He was increasingly short of breath. Orca, who had been watching Niah struggle as he panted, reached out his hand gently. He placed it over Niah’s heaving chest and pressed down firmly but without causing pain. Then, he tapped and patted him to calm him down. He just silently lifted and placed his palm. It was a soft touch.

Fearing he might pop him, he decided to consider that what he was touching right now wasn’t a human, but something like pudding. Goldfish-flavored pudding—he couldn’t imagine what it would taste like. He figured it might be salty for the moment because he had cried so much. He had never eaten salty pudding before.

“It’s a lie… it’s a lie.”

The thoughts that had been drifting aimlessly were abruptly cut off. It was because of the sentence that flowed out as if it were a grand confession. The voice, submerged in water, scattered easily. At the same time, his round crown of hair pointed further downward. After the sobbing that had gradually subsided came heavy, rapid breathing. The evening sun poured down between the ceiling created by the lush forest. The shadows of flickering light fell upon the goldfish. His sunset-colored hair fluttered in the breeze. The sun was crossing the mountain ridge and setting here. The whole world seemed to be stroking the goldfish. He, too, was working hard to soothe this small body. Yet, the goldfish kept trembling, gripping his knees tightly. His nervous, scared fingers had turned deathly white.

“Did you fall?”

Orca stopped patting him and pulled Niah’s hands toward him. He gently brushed off both palms, which still had traces of dirt, one by one. Niah stared at his own hands, held by Orca, as if they belonged to someone else. It was strange that he wasn’t being scolded, and the young master who was kind to him was strange. He had said bad things to the young master and run away. He had acted selfishly and rudely. So, this was strange. If it had been the other servants, they would never have forgiven him.

“Where are you hurt?”

After his hands, Orca brushed off his calves and forearms. His gaze, which had immediately moved into detail, inspected every part of his body closely. It wasn’t a question that expected an answer. For the moment, it didn’t look like there were any major wounds. Planning to return before it got completely dark, he inserted his hands under Niah’s armpits. He intended to lift him up. His upper body leaned in, and the distance, which was already close, narrowed further. Making a plan to give him a bath first, he pulled him in tightly and held him.

His body, now calmly surrendered, was lifted up in one go. His curled limbs hung limp, and his perspective rose. Even so, all he could see was Orca, who was pressed against him. In the vast forest, what filled Niah’s vision wasn’t the dense trees or the lush bushes, but only that one person. Niah gave his undivided attention only to him.

Orca stood Niah up properly and carefully took his hands away. He couldn’t even bear to watch him just stand there. He felt that even a newborn foal would be better than this. Truly, he was such a cumbersome creature. At this rate, it might be much more comfortable to just put him in a fishbowl and raise him. In any case, if he left him alone, he would return after being bullied somewhere. He couldn’t even take care of his own meals, or he would become timid after being teased for smelling like fish, or recently, he would come back with red bruises on his fair skin. It was no different right now. He couldn’t even stand that short while, rolling on the grass and hiding in such a pathetic state.

If he had to find one difference, it was the fact that the culprit who bullied the goldfish today wasn’t the servants, but himself. Up until now, he had cried and fussed once every other day because of him, but in the end, he had always calmed his breathing while held in his arms. After scaring him enough and pushing him enough, and seeing him sniffling and clinging to him, he would soothe him as he asked. That was the reason he had made him cry in the first place.