ORCA 90

His hearing, which had become twitchy and nervous, repeatedly caught sounds from very far away while missing the ones closest to him. The Niah of the past, who had refused to come near him even when called, overlapped with the Niah of the present.

“Um, Young Master…”

Orca ground his molars together.

Fine, just… should I just kill him? Now that it’s come to this, should I just kill him, swallow him whole, and leave this place? Anyway, without the goldfish, this is… no more, no more…

“Young Master…?”

The small call, which landed in his ears as if driven home, halted his train of thought once again. Sensing something was wrong, Niah knelt down without any hesitation. To check his face, which was covered by his palms, Niah placed his hands on the floor and tilted his head. He still couldn’t see well, so he called out, “Young Master,” again, softly. He put off his request to be eaten for a moment. More urgent was checking on his young master’s well-being. The young master was more important than himself. Growing anxious, Niah fidgeted and gasped for air. He stretched his sentences out meaninglessly, filling the void between them.

“Uh, oh… oh? Hey, Young… Young Master? Where are you going, are you sick somewhere…?”

It was a naive question. Orca felt so pathetic he thought he could hardly bear it. But the one even more foolish than him was the goldfish. While he was busy crafting a depraved future, the goldfish was pouring all his effort into worrying about him.

He felt displeased at the sight of the goldfish, who had been trembling in fear, approaching and checking on him as if nothing had happened. He was angry, and yet, while angry, he felt a strange, aching affection. The desire to kill him swelled up tenfold, then subsided just as quickly. He wouldn’t be able to lay a finger on him, let alone kill him. However, he had no confidence that he could shed this unholy desire entirely. Born this way, living like this was the best he could do.

Enduring through this for the rest of his life.

“Damn it.”

Orca left Niah behind and stormed out of the greenhouse. His retreating stride was wide and urgent.

Niah looked on blankly as Orca moved away faster and faster, then vanished completely. The silhouette he had seen beyond the transparent walls of the glass greenhouse soon disappeared from his sight entirely. His naturally rounded eyes, slightly creased, welled up with tears in an instant.

‘Niah. Go back now. Go and sleep.’

‘Stop, go ahead. You said it was late. You need to go eat.’

‘Alright. Go on.’

He had never, not once, had it been like this; his young master, who had always seen him off, had abandoned him and left. Everything around him scorched to black, turning dark. It felt like he was having a nightmare. He felt that even if he lit every candle the young master had given him, he wouldn’t be able to dispel this darkness.

Niah stood up unsteadily. He didn’t know if he was allowed to follow, but he wanted to run and say anything at all. The things he had said were wiped from his memory, leaving only the fact that he had been abandoned etched into his mind. Real fear washed over him.

Niah panted for breath. His throat and the pit of his stomach felt like they were tearing from running so hard. Not a single step he had taken while running from the greenhouse to the fourth floor of the central building had been wasted. While passing through the wide garden, climbing the spiral staircase, and crossing the long hallway, he had thought only of Orca. What he would say when he got there or what answer he would receive was secondary. He just didn’t want to be abandoned like this. If even his young master abandoned him, he had no idea where he should go. The stupid goldfish wouldn’t be accepted by anyone, anywhere.

Niah habitually straightened his clothes. He brushed off the dirt and rubbed his palms clean. Though he hadn’t managed to clean the dirt he had just brushed off his clothes, he wasn’t able to notice such things. Finally, he hid his wet face and smoothed out his ragged breathing. He stood right in front of the door, agonizing over whether he should beg or kneel and cling to him. His hand on the doorknob trembled. He pushed down the fear that the door might be locked. He felt that the longer he delayed, the more certain it became that he would be abandoned.

Fortunately, as soon as he entered the open door, he saw a large back. Orca, planted as if frozen just a step away, was shaking his entire body. The two hands covering his face were trembling thinly. After watching that back for a long time, Niah took a quiet step forward. He approached the very short distance as cautiously and carefully as he could.

He thought Orca had abandoned him because he was angry at him. So, he intended to ask for forgiveness. He would hear what he had done wrong later; for now, he just wanted to ask for forgiveness and be pardoned. That was all he could do immediately. But right now, his young master seemed less angry than…

Niah, who had shrunk back like someone who had seen something they shouldn’t have, stood face-to-face with Orca, hesitant. He kept chewing his lips without realizing it. He could taste blood from his split lip. Every time he touched it, it stung, but he couldn’t stop because of an unnamable anxiety. His hands, clasped together, turned deathly pale and cold.

“Young Master…? Are you upset, why, here I am, Young Master…. Young Master, please don’t be… upset…”

The jumbled, sloppy sentences stung Orca. He found the goldfish who had followed him, despite the effort he’d made to give him space, annoying. He was pissed off that, after being told to leave, the goldfish had come running in one breath and was asking if he was upset as if to nurse him.

Orca exhaled a deep sigh and lowered his hands. He made eye contact immediately with the tear-streaked face looking up at him. The emotions contained in that unswerving gaze could not be read. There were so many things tangled together that he couldn’t pinpoint and define them.

Niah. Go back for today.

Thinking it would be better if they were apart, he intended to send him back. He didn’t have the room for rational judgment. There was a risk that he might not be able to suppress his impulses. However, his brain and his mouth were working separately. A question that sounded like he was pestering him for an answer, or perhaps sulking, poured out of its own accord.

“Niah. Are you afraid of me? Why? Just… why?”

“Pardon? No, no…. It’s not like that, it’s really not…”

Niah shook his head hurriedly. It was Niah who couldn’t understand why his young master kept asking if he was afraid. He didn’t know why he was being subjected to such a misunderstanding, and he felt only indignant. Far from being afraid, he liked him so much that it was a problem. That was why he had such dreams, and why he had done such things that morning.

His eyes welled up with tears in an instant. Orca’s behavior, which felt foreign, was confusing rather than frightening. If he had forgotten something else and caused this situation, he wanted to fix it himself. But he couldn’t see a way to resolve what had already happened. At most, he could only grab onto his young master’s clothes.

Using that weak force as a signal, Orca seized Niah. He gripped his forearms with both hands, leaned his waist forward, and lunged in close. The distance that had been between them closed in an instant. It was a fierce touch, unlike before. He gripped him as if binding him, afraid he might run away without his permission. The thought that it would be better to send him away faded into a blur. A startled Niah opened his eyes wide. The scream that couldn’t escape his throat spurred on his urge to cry. The tears that had been welling up fell at once, wetting his cheeks.

“Are you… are you afraid of what I might do to you?”

“Pardon…?”

“That I might actually kill you and, like the rumors, eat you?”

“I don’t… I don’t really understand… what you mean by that…”

Niah forced out a trembling voice. The disjointed conversation swirled around the two of them. Orca’s vision was filled with the tear-drenched face. The culprit behind the tears leaking from his reddened eyes was him again. But his grip, which bound Niah so he couldn’t run away, only grew stronger, never weaker.

The goldfish sobbed, hiccuping. He couldn’t even cry out loud, clenching his teeth instead. Because Orca always pressured him like this, he had reached a point where he couldn’t even cry as he pleased. Orca thought that was why he was terrified. Orca pinpointed a more fundamental problem than the cannibal rumors. He felt anxious. He had no idea how to soothe him. It was as if he had forgotten every method he had ever learned.

Damn it. What do I… what should I do now…. Damn it, damn it.

He repeated the vulgar words to himself. He didn’t let them out like he had in the greenhouse; he repeated them only inside his head. They were low-level words he wouldn’t have even uttered when he was alone. Niah wasn’t the only one pushed to the edge of a cliff.