HYUNG 49

— Me? Ah, the 2D art class. I sketched your face yesterday too, hyung. You actually have slightly uneven eyes. The double eyelid on the left is deeper. There’s a double eyelid on the right eye too, but it was so faint in the photo that it almost looked non-existent. You looked a bit tired then. My parents said you’re very handsome. Oh, I didn’t show them on purpose; my dad helped me with the retouching, and my mom came in while I was drawing and saw it. I don’t show your photo to just anyone. That would be rude.

“…I see.”

He has to draw my face, so it’s only natural for him to observe it closely. Right… It’s not a strange thing. It’s also nothing to feel bad about that Ham Dowon’s parents happened to see it. But for some reason, I felt a discomfort in the pit of my stomach.

— I think my auntie mentioned you to my parents. They asked if you were that handsome school sunbae and told me to bring you over sometime. They told me to tell you thank you because the rice cakes you sent were so delicious.

“…I’ll talk to my mom and send another box.”

— Oh, no, it’s fine. If they deliver, I’ll just order some. Just let me know the brand name and the address. My dad really loves rice cakes too.

“No. I’ve received a lot of help from you, so that much is fine. Is there anything in particular they like?”

— Hyung, you haven’t really received much help. And even if you did, only pay me back; my mom and dad are rich and live well anyway.

“Huh? Oh… okay.”

I was momentarily flustered by Ham Dowon’s firm tone.

— Hyung.

“…Yeah.”

— Does your parents’ shop have yakgwa too? My dad has been eating a ridiculous amount of them lately. He says it’s a trend.

“Uh… they probably do? I think I’ve eaten them there. They should have them. Probably.”

I wondered what he was going to say since he suddenly lowered his voice, but it was just about yakgwa. I let go of my needless tension and searched my memory. I don’t know every single item in my parents’ rice cake shop, but they should at least have yakgwa.

— What kind of rice cakes do you like, hyung? You probably won’t eat the ones with pumpkin in them.

“I’ll eat most things well except for the ones with pumpkin… Right now, I want to eat baram-tteok filled with red bean paste.”

— For me, it’s garae-tteok. The kind that’s freshly made.

“Those are delicious. By the way, isn’t your cat pestering you to play more?”

— He went downstairs. My room is on the second floor.

“I’ve only ever lived in apartments, so seeing someone live in a house feels a bit fascinating.”

I had brought up the cat to slowly end the call, but I ended up continuing the conversation naturally without realizing it. Ah, why did I do that? My phone call with Ham Dowon was gradually getting longer.

— Come over sometime later. My noona isn’t here, so I use the second floor all by myself. There are stairs outside the house too, so you can come in without bumping into my parents, and there’s a kitchen. Except for Saja, my parents don’t really come up. You can see Saja, too.

“Sometime.”

I stood in front of the white canvas with a pencil in hand, idly continuing the conversation.

When I happened to bring up a movie on an OTT service I watched yesterday, he said he had seen it too, so we spent time bad-mouthing the parts that were bad, and then we got excited talking about movies we liked. It just so happened that Ham Dowon had seen those movies too.

We were talking seriously about the direction of our future work, and just as I was thinking I didn’t want to cut off this fun and interesting conversation, Beep, beep! The headphones let out a warning sound. It meant the battery was low. I had definitely put them on with a full charge.

“By the way… what time is it now?”

— Right now? It’s 3:34.

“…We’ve been talking for a really long time.”

I came to the studio at 12:00, and Ham Dowon called not long after… We had been on the phone for at least three hours. Wow, this is crazy. I’ve never even done this with family or a girlfriend.

— Talking with you is fun, hyung. What about you?

“…It’s fun.”

The times I thought he only said things that missed the point, or that we didn’t get along so I should keep my distance, felt pointless now. Surprisingly, Ham Dowon and I connected very well; our interests were similar, and topics of conversation kept coming up constantly while we talked. Come to think of it, this had happened several times before.

— You and I are on the same wavelength, hyung!

I heard Ham Dowon’s light laughter.

Suddenly, I wanted to ask. Why do you like me? It was partly a slight resentment and partly genuine curiosity. If you didn’t like me, we could have been great friends beyond just being a hyung and a dongsaeng.

I wondered what exactly you saw in me to like. By the time I realized that I actually got along with Ham Dowon quite well, Ham Dowon’s feelings had already begun. Did those conversations that used to clash feel like pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together to Ham Dowon?

But internally, I was weighing and judging Ham Dowon and trying to keep him at a distance; aren’t all those moments just hollow now? If so, that emotion of liking me would be like a balloon that would quickly fizzle out, something inflated with light helium and sent floating. The kind of thing that would go Pop! and burst just by brushing against a slightly sharp branch.

“…Ham Dowon, you.”

Can’t you just not like me?

Relationships are bound to end anyway, and even a moment of burning emotion will cool down. I feel like you and I could have a quite deep and long-lasting relationship. But while maintaining that relationship, neither you nor I can pretend not to know about your feelings. That wouldn’t make sense.

However, because the headphones ran out of battery and turned off, I couldn’t finish the sentence. Instead of asking again, I just ended the call. The phone, which had been working for a long time, was very hot.

I threw my phone into my bag and stared at Ham Dowon’s face on the tablet screen for a long while before eventually returning home without being able to draw even a single proper silhouette. While staring blankly at a movie and munching on dinner, I pressed the power button on my smartphone out of boredom, and I saw Ham Dowon’s texts that had arrived a few hours ago.

Ham Dowon: Hyung, what were you going to say? I couldn’t hear you.

Ham Dowon: Hyung???

It’s nothing. See you at school later.

If you didn’t like me, all the problems and worries between us would be resolved. If you would just change your mind. But I couldn’t say those words. After all, I was the start of all those misunderstandings, and I didn’t want to see Ham Dowon looking upset again.

Since it started with a misunderstanding, those boiling emotions would soon end. I just need to wait for that time.

I couldn’t draw Ham Dowon’s face properly even on the following day, Monday. On Tuesday, when our classes overlapped, I planned to draw him after observing his face in person one more time.

“Then we will end here for today.”

But Ham Dowon did not show up until the end of the Modern Art History lecture, which we always sat side-by-side to attend. I just stared at the empty seat for no reason. He pouted every day saying he was tired of the school cafeteria, so I was going to suggest we go out to eat today…

“Is he oversleeping?”

It’s not rare for college students to skip classes, so it wasn’t something to worry much about. But since it was Ham Dowon, it weighed on my mind a bit, so I sent a text first.

Aren’t you coming to school today? Today’s lecture covered important content. Should I send you my notes?

He was a fellow who checked my texts almost immediately every time, but even as I finished off my cafeteria pork cutlet and sat on an outdoor bench sipping an iced Americano with two extra shots, the “1” was not disappearing. After a moment of thought, I eventually made a call. Making a call is no big deal. He’s someone I take classes with, right. Hwajung also asked me to look after him…

“What are you doing? Why aren’t you in class?”

The ringing continued for a long time, and only just before it cut off did Ham Dowon answer the phone. Thinking he had indeed overslept, I asked in a casual tone. But what came back was not a voice sunken with sleep, but gasping sobs.

— …Hyung, hic. Mmm, sob…

“…Why are you crying?”

Is he crying because of me again? But I hadn’t done anything special to Ham Dowon. Giving a few texts back and forth after our call on Sunday was everything. Then some other reason? What on earth happened… I felt the back of my neck grow a bit stiff.

— Hyung, sob, mmm… Hic!

Ham Dowon’s words, swallowed by his crying, could not be heard properly. He seemed to try to say a proper sentence several times, but the sound of his sniffling was louder.

“Take a deep breath slowly. Inhale, exhale. That’s it.”

I heard the sound of Ham Dowon slowly exhaling and inhaling. He didn’t stop crying, but the sniffling decreased a bit.