LLU 85

So what should I say now. How can I stop the actions of Choi Junghan, who is like a broken robot… The voice that burst out mixed with rough and clumsy sobs was, unexpectedly, the sincerity that had been buried for a long time.

“…Why do I always have to be treated like this by you?”

The movement of Choi Junghan, who had been about to take me right then, stopped at that moment.

“The only revenge I could do… was to never let you know until the very end that you love me.”

“……”

“Because then you would never know for the rest of your life. Even though you held it in your hands, you wouldn’t realize you had it, so you would keep searching and searching and waste your life. But…”

I clenched the hand that lay helplessly on the floor. My empty fist trembled pitifully. While bearing the full weight of the man pressing down on me from behind, I pressed my forehead to the floor.

“…But in the end, you found out.”

The voice trapped between the floor and my face resonated gloomily, unable to go anywhere. Tears fell plop plop onto the floor.

“Now… how should I take revenge on you?”

A person without weaknesses. An impregnable man. A strong one I could never bring down. Choi Junghan had always been that to me.

Once, I had tried to use the feelings Choi Junghan had for me to destroy him. An emotion only I knew and he did not. My ignorant and pitiful tyrant who loved me yet did not know it was love.

But Choi Junghan eventually found out. That he loved me. And he discovered his own way and charged toward me. While carelessly allowing space in my heart for him, I could not help but fall into a deep swamp of self-loathing.

By now everything had become faint. The desire to take revenge on Choi Junghan, the vow to absolutely never love him.

In truth, I had no reason to feel this much rage and pain over the fact that Choi Junghan had set fire to my house. It was not just one or two things he had taken from me, and it was already a long-past event to feel such vivid pain.

Above all, I knew deep in my bones that Choi Junghan was originally this kind of person. From the beginning he had been an invader to me, a plunderer. Therefore it was not right to newly feel despair and disappointment toward him.

But why. Why am I so angry, disappointed, and furious about this fact. Why am I angry at Choi Junghan for not soothing me with sweet words. Why am I hitting him and screaming that he should at least lie…

You want me as your lover.

At those words from Choi Junghan, I could not breathe, as if a nail had been driven into my chest. I tried to deny it, but I could neither avoid nor block the uncomfortable truth that had pierced me mercilessly.

Because the pain in my chest was proof of it. I could have shouted no, don’t talk nonsense, but I vaguely felt that it would be nothing more than an empty shell.

“If the purpose is revenge, this way seems more efficient.”

A voice containing a wry smile quietly spread by my ear.

“Oon-ah. The moment I realized I love you, for the first time in my life it became difficult.”

“……”

“Look at me, unable to do anything about a tiny thing like you, just circling around you like a son of a bitch.”

My chest trembled with a clatter. The most arrogant man I knew, the man I thought I could never topple, was whispering like that into the small ear of his young, foolish, and pathetic lover.

“…From the moment I met you, my life has been plunged into the mud.”

A voice wet with moisture protested.

“Between your life that became difficult to that extent and my life that was completely ruined, which one do you think is heavier?”

“I cannot lighten the weight of your life.”

Choi Junghan whispered that and kissed me. On the back of my head, on the curve of my ear, and behind my nape. Every time his ticklish breath touched, the fine hairs on my skin stood up all at once.

“That is the share you must bear because you love me.”

“…Don’t talk bullshit.”

“Instead, I can spend with you the countless nights you went through alone.”

My panting breaths stopped for a moment.

Countless nights. Choi Junghan knew about the many nights I had writhed alone. Because he had watched every detail, he knew everything I had done while calling his name.

Choi Junghan is not like other lovers. Instead of comforting me with sweet lies, he chose to reveal his monstrous inner self without hiding anything.

At the same time he arrogantly commanded me. To accept that way of his.

He does not mock the desperate and nauseating abyss within me. He does not promise to ease the suffering. He simply says he will be with me. That it is the share each must bear while staggering and bleeding, that it is the way we love each other…

Choi Junghan, who had pulled away from me, walked heavily inside. When he returned, his hand held a gleaming kitchen knife.

He lifted me, who was gasping face-down on the floor, into a sitting position. He placed the knife in my hand and looked into my eyes as he spoke clearly.

“Stab me.”

In my shaking vision, only the blue-shining blade was clear.

“It means to do to me what you did alone during those nights.”

With those words, Choi Junghan slowly took off his jacket. He unbuttoned his shirt one by one, pulled it down, and removed it.

Half-naked, Choi Junghan spread his arms without hesitation. His raw body, defenseless with no armor or protection, was right in front of my eyes.

“Do whatever you want to me.”

Choi Junghan whispered slyly like a snake.

“The choice is yours.”

The darkness of the evening settling inside the house pressed heavily down on me and him. Choi Junghan, clad only in the faint light of the night view, waited defenselessly for my disposal. In the silence we created, the only sound was my gradually rising breaths.

A quiet gaze stared at me. It felt as though I could hear the powerful thumping of his pulse. I glared piercingly at his thick, straight white neck.

If I stabbed there.

The long and painful time with him would finally come to an end.

“Go on. It’s okay.”

Choi Junghan’s low command showed no wavering.

Several times when I had lunged at him with a knife, Choi Junghan had overpowered and stopped me without fail. But I had a premonition that this time would be different. It was almost a certainty. The deeply settled look in Choi Junghan’s eyes told me so.

“This is my way of loving.”

After saying that, he smiled. In front of his unshakable affirmation, I inhaled passionately.

Love. The word that brings only confusion to me, torments me, strangles me, tries to kill me, engraved like a dirty tattoo that shows no sign of ever coming off my life, so unbearably heavy like a cross—Choi Junghan uses it without hesitation.

I wanted to tear him open the same way he had torn me open. I wanted to ruin the man who ruined me. Just as I could only wail in front of the word love, I wanted to make Choi Junghan the same.

I raised my hand high and swung the knife without hesitation.

A chilling sensation ran through the blade tip. The blue-and-red nights I had spent countless times alone bloomed inside Choi Junghan’s forearm. In front of the red flower that bloomed fully like a dark crimson rose, I slashed his skin again and again with the knife.

Feel it too. Feel the pain I felt, just once. If this is your way of loving, then love me like this. See if you can still love me even like this. If this is your love, if this really is, if this really is your love…

I do not know how many times I cut his arm. I sobbed like a ghost the whole time. Choi Junghan’s forearm, covered in flowing blood, could no longer show its original skin color. In front of the fully bloomed red flower, I trembled like a dying butterfly.

In front of all that violence, Choi Junghan remained calm. He quietly accepted every one of my actions. Even as blood poured down and soaked the floor and his body, he did not avoid the knife at all, did not change his expression once, did not let out a single groan.

A solid conviction hardened in my mind. Even if I raised the knife and stabbed his neck like this, Choi Junghan would not stop me. He would accept every filthy act I poured on him with solemnity, as if receiving a baptism.

The love of the man I had scorned as someone who did not know emotions, who would never realize it in his lifetime, had bloomed into a flower despite all my denial, disregard, and mockery. It had already bloomed in a bizarre and grotesque form.

In front of that shockingly splendid flower, I eventually had to admit it. That he and I would never find rest in front of the word love for the rest of our lives. But that only in front of each other, and no one else, would we experience the same intense passion.

Even if I engraved on him the blue-and-red nights I had endured… I could not cut his throat and end our connection.

I would probably regret this moment for the rest of my life. However, I would never be able to kill Choi Junghan forever…

Finally I threw the knife away and collapsed in front of him.

“Huu, uu, ugh…”

A wretched sobbing sound tore through my throat. Choi Junghan spread his blood-covered arms wide.

“Come here.”

“Uu, huuk, ah, aaaa…”

“Don’t cry. My love… don’t cry.”

He pulled me tightly into his embrace and pressed my head against his heart. Thump, thump, thump… His heart, unstabbed by the knife, throbbed powerfully, asserting life. Hearing the sound that rang so loudly it tore at my ears, I felt despair and at the same time an indescribably numb relief compared to him.

My body shuddered at the word love coming from his mouth. I hated him enough to want to kill him, he was disgusting. Yet on the other hand, I felt an unspeakable thrill at the fact that Choi Junghan was alive and not dead. The enormous contradiction that blocked my chest throbbed in sync with his, pounding wildly.

Sobbing like a beast, I groped for Choi Junghan’s neck and gripped it. When I squeezed hard, an intense pulse transferred to my fingertips. At that sound I honestly shuddered. Holding his neck tightly, I pressed my tear-soaked lips to his.

I desperately pried open Choi Junghan’s lips and thrust my tongue inside. When I sucked hard on the hot and firm thing, the fishy taste of blood came strongly.

Like a mad person I shoved my tongue deep into his mouth. Desperately and wretchedly, like a child sucking its mother’s milk, I sucked and sucked his tongue. I devoured his lips until blood-mixed saliva dripped down to my chin.

With my hands I touched his waist, his stomach, his chest. Thump, thump, I frantically searched for the one existence that could stabilize me.

Choi Junghan’s hand gently wrapped around my waist. When I straddled his hips, his rigidly erect cock prodded upward against me. I reached back, pulled it out from inside his pants myself. Holding the shaft dripping thin fluid, I brought it between my fully exposed buttocks.

I cried the whole time. While my chest shook with sobs, I aligned the tip with my hole. The glans, wet with precum and blood, pushed into the secret place. The entrance that had been tightly closed for such a long time did not open easily.

But I could not stop. I acted like a person who would die if I did not connect with Choi Junghan right now. In a body where reason had evaporated, only instinct remained.

The only man who could put me to sleep, the man who loved me like a monster and at the same time devoured me like a hungry ghost, the man I could neither kill nor erase from my life anymore—I wanted to swallow him whole with my entire body. I wanted to devour him too. I wanted to crush him and put him inside my body, I wanted to rip out his powerfully throbbing heart and swallow it with my mouth.

“Huu, ah, aaa…”

Finally the thick glans tip pushed inside. Once it entered, the flesh moved familiarly as if coming home, forcing its way in. Accepting it as it settled inside without hesitation, I trembled like I had been electrocuted. Pain seeped through every gasp of my breath.

“Hut…”

Choi Junghan, who had not frowned even once despite countless slashes, let out a low groan and furrowed his brow. I pressed his stomach with my palm and raised my trembling thighs. I pulled the cock out a little, then slammed my hips down violently, driving the hard shaft deep inside my body.

Insane pain rushed in. Cold sweat poured down my forehead like rain. Had it torn? But my vision was already blood-red. The thick smell of blood in the air dulled the organs that felt pain.

Panting breaths filled the surroundings. Regardless of the pain below, I continued the act. I moved my hips heavily and took Choi Junghan’s cock into myself by my own will.

“Don’t move. Just… hah, stay like that.”