LLU 77

At that moment, something that had been blocked suddenly cleared with a snap. And something that had been tightly bound poured out massively.

Choi Junghan was telling me that my efforts over the past year had been in vain. He was saying that our relationship had not ended and was continuing to draw endless parallel lines.

He was teaching me the reality that no matter how I struggled or what methods I used to try to cut him off, it was all useless… .

“No, you cannot have me.”

Without hesitation, I took out the kitchen knife I had hidden in my pocket. And I held it right up to Choi Junghan’s eyes. Even as he looked at the bluish blade gleaming right in front of his nose, not a single flicker could be found in his eyes.

“…Now, nothing means anything anymore. The desire to take revenge on you… the desire to escape from you and live well—no longer exist.”

Once, I had held my breath by his side, enduring and waiting for the moment to take revenge on Choi Junghan. Once, I had sharpened a knife to make him taste the bitterness I had experienced and stabbed his ankle. Once, I had run away from him to prove my existence that did not love him.

But now, I was completely broken. The proof was that I no longer wanted revenge on Choi Junghan. I no longer wanted to prove anything to him. That was clear evidence that I had been driven to the edge of a cliff and was on the verge of vanishing from this world.

“One of us has to die for this madness to end.”

“…….”

“I want to stop now. I no longer… want to continue.”

I would not kill myself. That would be an act of ultimately betraying myself, who had endured so fiercely alone until now.

Instead, I would kill Choi Junghan. The pitiful man who loved me, who still could not forget me even now, yet would never realize it himself forever. I would push him down into a pitch-black abyss with my own hands.

The color of the red cheongsam flowing from the screen dyed the well-sharpened blade bright red. I forcefully raised the blade and aimed straight for his throat. In the hand trying to drive the knife into a man’s neck, there was no room for any hesitation to intervene.

Just before the knife tip touched his throat, Choi Junghan’s hand grabbed my wrist.

“Do not try to end it carelessly. Oon-ah.”

His unchanging grip twisted my wrist and took the knife away. It was that strength which always made me miserable and helpless in an instant. The knife was flung to the floor far away.

“You and I do not end.”

It was a despairingly firm declaration. As always, his unmoving eyes were now terrifying to the extreme.

What on earth, what on earth made this man so unshakable? I kept burning like flames and being swept away like waves. How vast and solid a root existed inside Choi Junghan that it swallowed even the slightest tremor whole?

How much did he love me to do this?

Why did his mad sprint show no sign of ever ending?

And how was his orbit so utterly undisturbed… .

Choi Junghan reached out his hand. He gently bound my empty hand that had lost the knife in a daze, then immediately kissed me. From his tongue that parted my lips without hesitation came the sweet yet poisonous taste of wine.

“Let go! You… bastard!”

The pronunciation was miserably crushed inside his mouth. Twisting my head to avoid it was useless. At that moment, my body was strongly pulled with a jolt.

While Choi Junghan laid me down on the sofa, I resisted fiercely. I tried to kick his shoulder with my foot and thrashed by arching my waist.

“You have been wanting me to do this all this time too.”

He whispered in my ear as he straddled my desperately struggling thighs.

“You want me to show you how much I want you… too. Oon-ah.”

Kisses poured down again. It was a kiss seductive like a devil and at the same time hateful enough to want to kill him.

But more poisonous and painful than the kiss were his words. What Choi Junghan said became the knife I had let go of and pierced straight through my chest.

I bit hard into his intruding lips.

“Ugh.”

A low groan leaked from him. I had bitten so hard that his lips touching the tip of my tongue were tattered. Blood that dripped down seeped into my mouth.

But Choi Junghan kissed me without caring about his torn lips. He strongly held my jaw to prevent me from biting again and poured kisses. Every time he greedily sucked my tongue, blood gushed and pooled in my mouth.

“Get lost! You filthy bastard, I said get lost…!”

Every time our lips parted, I pushed his chest and screamed. I poured curses and cursed him.

Each time, Choi Junghan rubbed his lower body thickly against mine and aligned our bodies. His lower part quickly hardened, but he did not try to do anything with it. However, the heavy weight pressing down on my entire body showed no sign of ever lifting.

Gradually, strength drained from my limbs. My drooping eye corners heated up fiercely. Before I knew it, I was blinking hot eyes and crying. Tears whose reason I could not understand kept flowing down my temples.

“Do not cry. My little brother.”

He whispered in a low voice. He stuck out his tattered tongue and licked my eye corners, collecting all the tears without leaving any.

From him came the sharp fishy smell of blood and the poisonous yet sweet scent of wine. Choi Junghan, soaked in the alcohol I had poured and in blood, was entirely red. Just like the mise-en-scène in the movie we had watched together.

The body temperature of Choi Junghan pressing down on me was unusually very hot unlike usual. The person who had been cold as a corpse was now burning as if to consume me.

Pinned under his body, I felt the massive lump that had been tightly knotted without any sign of loosening in my chest gradually melting away. As if it were being discharged through tears, hot water kept leaking endlessly from my eyes.

Suddenly, a sense of relief came. Like a single drop of pigment falling into water, it slowly spread to every corner of my body and melted all tension.

Relief about what? About the greed of this man who madly sucked my tongue, rubbed his body against mine, and greedily desired me like a beast.

Why was I relieved by the fact that such a beastly man unchangingly wanted and desired me?

The fact that Choi Junghan had waited for me, that he had not let me go even for a moment, why did it bring me such overwhelming stability?

“You have been wanting me to do this all this time too.”

I wanted to deny what Choi Junghan had said. I wanted to scream at him to stop talking nonsense, to stop trying to brainwash me. I wanted to deceive myself. That this violent and disgusting contact he was pouring on me now could not possibly reassure me—I wanted to scream that.

However… .

The hopelessly massive stone that had weighed on my heart for so long was helplessly melting away in his kisses. The fact that Choi Junghan’s solid body and confident tone were finely crushing the large fragments and melting them, bringing me an undeniable comfort, could not be denied.

Countless scenes flashed before my eyes. Choi Junghan who accepted my absurd stubbornness when I clung to him with idiotic acting in his house. Choi Junghan who indulged in me unchangingly even when I had tarnished his piled-up glory. Choi Junghan who strongly restrained me when I cried, self-harmed, and bit him, and… .

Unlike the vividly staining colors of the blue and red nights, the sense of existence that had faded day by day like smoke—the single name I had embraced in panic without knowing what to do and had unknowingly cried out loud.

At that moment, all strength drained from my body. I lay sprawled helplessly in Choi Junghan’s grasp, unable to do anything.

The moment the flowers of reality I could not accept bloomed all at once in my heart, I collapsed in the middle of the widely bloomed cursed flower field.

Was it because I had hated Choi Junghan for too long? Or because I had thought about him for too long despite that? I was too exhausted. Now, what remained stuck like residue in the place where everything had swirled and drained away was merely a longing for rest.

In front of the true desire hidden on the other side of me, nothing could intervene anymore. The struggle to prove something, the desire to live humanely, the stern self-reproach that this should not be—all were pushed aside. No, they slowly melted and disappeared.