LLU 23

And yet, I felt a vaster distance from my mother than ever before. The old blanket spread out in the damp room, my bruised and battered wrists, the newly bought ointment and painkillers—all slowly came into view.

—By the way, you’re still not over your cold? Your voice is all hoarse.

“I’m… fine. It’s almost gone.”

—Okay. Make sure you take your medicine on time, even if it’s a hassle, okay? Oh my, Chairman! What brings you here at this hour?

My mother’s voice suddenly brightened and rose in pitch. It seemed Chairman Choi had briefly visited the hospital room. From behind the phone, I could hear his clear and dignified voice saying, ‘I just stopped by for a moment. You haven’t had lunch yet, have you?’

—Oon-ah, let’s talk again later. You have lunch too!

“…Yes, enjoy your lunch.”

The call was cut off before I could even finish my sentence. My mother’s voice, which had rung out as clearly as rolling jade beads, endlessly echoed in my chest.

…In the end, I couldn’t say it today either.

A deep sigh escaped from within me.

The jumbled, violent mass of thoughts was blocking the smooth flow of my reasoning. Funnily enough, I was hesitating. I should, by all rights, tell her what happened to me, but… I still couldn’t bring myself to say it.

My mother was the person who had raised me for twenty years. I was a proud son who had grown up maturely, never once causing her trouble since I was young, and, though I must seem endlessly young and immature in her eyes, I was still a man.

That I had been assaulted by another man, and the son of Chairman Choi at that. How could I tell the mother who gave birth to me?

No matter how much I braced myself and made up my mind, confiding in my mother was by no means an easy task. The truth—so humiliating, shameful, unfair, and unbelievable to me—was lodged in my chest like a huge, thorn-covered mass and simply would not come out.

Listening to my mother’s affectionate voice often brought on moments of unbearable frustration. But whenever I tried to open my mouth, instead of being disgorged, the truth would run rampant inside my chest, stabbing at its tender inner walls.

And one more thing.

The fact that had shackled my ankles since my first nightmarish encounter with Choi Junghan was still holding me captive.

My mother was now entering her eighth month of pregnancy and was in a situation where she clearly needed medical assistance. Between the VIP hospital room where my mother was staying and being comfortably cared for, and the dark, single-room apartment where I was lying, there existed a vast, even immense, difference in reality.

If I were to tell my mother.

Just as that son of a bitch Choi Junghan had said, it would probably be difficult to sue him and make him face legal punishment. But the remarriage would become a thing of the past. I could be sure of that much.

But after that?

It was still echoing in my ears. My mother’s voice, pleased as she asked why he had stopped by at this hour. Chairman Choi’s gentle tone as he said he bought something she likes. Chairman Choi’s sincere words, telling me to visit and call my mother often, even though I must be busy…

I know it too. I know that all of those things are not more valuable than my own well-being. That all those facts do not offset the reality that I was raped by Choi Junghan.

Nevertheless, every time, I ended the call without telling my mother the truth. When I listened to my mother’s voice, chattering away happily as she boasted about the peaceful life Chairman Choi had given her, I simply couldn’t bring myself to ruthlessly destroy the happiness she must be feeling in that moment.

And so I postponed the final moment, day after day.

If there was one thing I realized from this incident, it was that Choi Junghan truly did not care about his father. Not content with raping me, he had also beaten my face to a pulp. If he had even a shred of consideration for his father, he couldn’t possibly have toyed with the son of the woman his father was going to remarry in such a manner.

As it happened, the timing coincided with my mother’s hospitalization, so she hadn’t seen my face yet, but he couldn’t have predicted her sudden admission.

Choi Junghan was beyond self-centered; he was insolence itself. His arrogant attitude of not caring about anything or anyone in the world, not even his own father, filled me, who had faced and experienced him, with an indescribable sense of helplessness.

Fear becomes a weakness. The violation I suffered happened because he knew that I feared my mother’s downfall.

However, I can’t seem to find his weakness at all.

Choi Junghan had sneered that I was sacrificing my own body for my mother’s success. He had treated me like a male prostitute. He used my body worse than a toilet and then even paid me for it.

I scoffed at the time, but now, still unable to tell my mother, I even had the self-deprecating thought that perhaps, from Choi Junghan’s perspective, his mockery and defilement of me were justified.

Choi Junghan knew. He knew that I wouldn’t be able to tell my mother in the end.

‘…Get a grip.’

I shook my head vigorously. No matter what anyone says, that son of a bitch is the one in the wrong. Let’s not try to turn the blame on myself. I forcibly grabbed the hair of my consciousness, which was about to sink into dark waters, and pulled it up.

Come to think of it, it had already been almost a week. Since I returned from the hotel after what happened with Choi Junghan.

If there was any silver lining, it was that the final winter break had started right away, so I didn’t have to go to school with this face. The graduation ceremony was still left, but it would probably heal before then.

I also quit my part-time job. With my face transformed into something so hideous, there was no way I could serve customers at the cafe. It wasn’t just my part-time job; I couldn’t go anywhere except the pharmacy, the mart in front of my apartment, or the convenience store.

Fortunately, my financial situation wasn’t tight. My mother, perhaps feeling bad about leaving me alone, sent me a generous amount of allowance this week, following last week’s.

It was all too obvious where that money came from, but I just accepted it. Now that I had been beaten up and forced to quit my part-time job, I didn’t have the energy to put up a useless front of pride.

Just staying at home made me feel more lethargic and depressed. I struggled to fight back against the violence of my emotions, which tried to pull me by the ankle and plunge me into the deep sea.

I wanted to heal as quickly as possible, so I diligently applied the ointment, and unlike the first two or three days when I starved myself and only slept, I tried to make sure I ate properly. At night, I would wear a mask and a hat and go for a walk.

But the power of the destruction I had experienced for the first time was strong. The more I tried to go about my daily life as if nothing was wrong, the deeper my body and mind sank.

Have I ever been this lethargic in my life? Have I ever swum in such an abyss?

Tears would come when I was just sitting still, and a fire would boil in my chest when I was lying down, causing me to jolt up frequently. There were also many nights when I couldn’t sleep at all, consumed by an endlessly soaring murderous intent to kill the son of a bitch who had thrown me into the mud.

But what took precedence over all those emotions was loneliness. I wanted to confide in someone about this unbelievable thing that had happened to me and lean on them.

Naturally, that would be impossible in reality. Still, if only I could meet Kim Junwoo and, for just a moment, forget everything and laugh and talk as if nothing was wrong, I felt like I wouldn’t care what happened to the rest.

I sat there blankly for a while, then applied my ointment and took a nap. When I opened my eyes again, it was already the dusky evening. The loneliness that had been quietly curled up in my chest while I slept prepared to run wild once again.

I gritted my teeth and pushed myself up. I went to the bathroom and carefully washed my face like a cat, then brushed my teeth. What should I eat for dinner? Once the wounds heal, should I try to find a short-term part-time job? How much time is left until the semester starts?

It was the moment I was mulling over these various, scattered thoughts and taking a pack of ramen out of the cupboard.

Ding-dong, the doorbell rang. Startled, I opened the front door and dashed out. I crossed the narrow yard in three or four steps.

“Pioon! Your hyung is here.”

Kim Junwoo’s cheerful voice cut through the chilly outside air. But my hand, which had stopped mid-air, hesitated, unable to easily open the gate.

The afterimage of my hideous face, which I had seen in the mirror just a moment ago, flickered before my eyes. If Kim Junwoo saw this face, he would flip out…

What excuse should I make? What should I say to send him back?

“Hey! What are you doing, not opening the gate, you punk. It’s cold.”

But Kim Junwoo didn’t give me time to think calmly. His grumbling voice continued from outside. He must have heard me running out in my slippers just now, so it didn’t make sense for me not to open the gate.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I took a deep breath in, and then out. My hand, opening the latch of the rusted iron gate, hesitated several times. The moment I opened the gate, Kim Junwoo strode in energetically.

“You bastard, why have you been so hard to reach these past few days? I thought you were dead…”

Kim Junwoo’s words stopped abruptly. The crinkling plastic bag he was holding fell to the ground with a loud noise.

“…You, what happened to your face?”

“……”

“I’m asking you what happened.”

Kim Junwoo’s tone was unusual. It was a voice I had never heard before.

“Who was the bastard, fuck!”

His angry voice ripped through the air of the small yard. Startled, I stared at him blankly.

Kim Junwoo was not originally the type to get angry easily. For the past few years, he himself had been beaten day in and day out by his sunbaes and coach, yet a couple of my clumsy words of comfort were always enough to make him laugh heartily again. Sometimes, it seemed like he had no pride, and he was a dull fellow to an extent that it made me upset for him.

But now, that same person was contorting his face like this after seeing mine. The fury burning in his eyes was unfamiliar. His eyes were filled with a fine tremor I had never seen before.

“Pioon. You tell me straight. Fuck, I’m really going to go and mess them all up.”

Hearing his voice full of rage, I shook my head with a start.

“Calm down a little. It’s not what you think…”

“What do you mean, it’s not! Just what kind of bastard did this!”

Unable to contain his anger, he panted heavily. With murderous eyes and trembling, clenched fists, he looked ready to charge out at any moment.

A short sigh escaped me. I calmly bent down, picked up the plastic bag he had dropped on the ground, and then took his hand with my other. As expected, Kim Junwoo flinched and looked at me.

“I said it’s okay. Don’t overreact.”

“How can I not overreact! When you look like this.”

“So, you’re not even going to give me time to explain?”

I asked, looking steadily into Kim Junwoo’s eyes. Fuming with rage, he finally spat out a curse and scratched the back of his head nervously. I waited for his fierce excitement to gradually subside, then led him by the hand toward the apartment.

“Let’s go inside first.”

The room was a mess with the blankets still unfolded, but Kim Junwoo and I weren’t the type to be embarrassed by such things. I had him, still sullen as if he were angry, sit down and silently brought out a small table.

As I moved about busily bringing out this and that, I thought it was a relief that my battered rear had mostly healed. If he had seen me a few days ago when I could barely walk without a clumsy hobble, Kim Junwoo probably would have really run outside with a knife or a baseball bat in his hands.

“I’m hungry. Should we order something to eat?”

“…You haven’t had dinner yet?”

Kim Junwoo’s eyes widened.

“Yeah. Should we order something like chicken?”

“Hey, how can you even think about something like that right now…!”

“I’m really hungry. I couldn’t even eat lunch.”

I deliberately rubbed my stomach with the most pitiful expression I could muster. Kim Junwoo looked at me as if he were dumbfounded, but he couldn’t say anything more to me, who was claiming to be hungry with a battered face. Hah, with Kim Junwoo sighing as if the world were ending and glaring at me, I silently ordered chicken.

One original fried, one seasoned. In the past, ordering so lavishly would have been an unimaginable dream. But now my pockets were full, and more than anything, I didn’t want to just send Kim Junwoo, who had come to see me like this, away.

Honestly, I was incredibly grateful to him. My heart, which had been withering away from loneliness, foolishly welcomed his visit. The bewilderment, shame, and worry I had first felt at Kim Junwoo’s unexpected visit had already taken a step back.

I suppose I had been starved for human warmth. During the week I was cooped up in my room alone, I had really missed this kid, my one and only person.

“The chicken will be delicious. I’m really hungry, I hope it comes soon…”

“Now talk. Tell me who did that to your face.”