LLU 47

The corners of my mouth, which had been trying to form a smile, twitched miserably. My trembling lips finally couldn’t hold back the surging resentment and let out a hot breath. Tears quickly pooled in my eyes.

“Hey, you jerk…”

Kim Junwoo awkwardly pulled me into his arms. And he patted and stroked my back. Wrapped in the warmth of someone who was genuinely worried about me after such a long time, I could no longer hold back.

It felt like I had turned into a crybaby. Just like when I had clung to the phone earlier and cried, I began pouring tears out to him again. Even though people were glancing over, I couldn’t stop the sobs.

Kim Junwoo comforted me without showing the slightest sign of embarrassment. Every time he took a deep breath in and out, the hand resting on my back trembled along with it.

“It’s okay. It’s okay… so cry more. Let it all out. It’s okay, you can cry.”

When was the last time someone told me it was okay to cry? No—had anyone ever said that to me in my entire life?

I cried to my heart’s content. Until my throat hurt, until my legs shook, until I buried my face in his clothes and soaked his hem completely. Until my swollen, puffy face finally lifted in awkward embarrassment, he stood silently and waited for me.

“You done crying?”

His rough voice rang out quietly. I pressed my heated eyelids gently and nodded.

“…I’m hungry. Lunch? If you haven’t eaten yet, let’s go get something.”

Instead of hastily asking about my situation, he said that. It was his usual voice. Playful, yet somehow reassuring.

I nearly burst into tears again. Pressing my lips tightly to hold it back, I barely managed to nod.

“I’ll treat you to something good. Let’s go eat sashimi.”

“Wipe your snot and tears first before talking.”

“I already did? On your clothes.”

“Goddamn it.”

A snort of laughter escaped me. Kim Junwoo laughed along. He poked my side, jab jab, deliberately tickling me. Especially weak to tickling, I burst out laughing out loud.

“Stop it.”

“No way.”

“Stooop, ah…”

The chuckling grew a little louder. With my salty face scrunched up in laughter, I thought to myself how many months it had been since I last laughed like this.

We headed straight to the subway station. There was a sashimi place I had spotted near the minbak, and I thought going there would be good. We bought tickets side by side and got on the subway. Facing Kim Junwoo in this unfamiliar city, my heart pounded in a way that didn’t match my current situation.

“It really feels like we’re on a trip, doesn’t it.”

“Yeah.”

We murmured quietly to each other. Back in school days, when we had wanted so badly to go together, it had seemed like an impossible dream, yet here we were as college students, finally coming together. Even if it wasn’t a trip planned with joyful hearts.

We waited silently for the train to reach our destination. Getting out at the subway station, we took the same bus I had ridden yesterday. Even though it was only once, having come yesterday made the way feel a little familiar.

We headed straight to the sashimi restaurant located near the minbak. Since it was a little past lunchtime, the place was completely empty. We were guided to seats on the second floor with a full view of the sea. We ordered a sashimi platter and naturally added soju and beer as well.

“Pioon, you’re not planning to sip sip and get drunk again, are you.”

Kim Junwoo grinned playfully as he twisted open the soju bottle cap. After just a few weeks as a freshman, the way he held the bottle had already changed.

“No I’m not. And anyway, the minbak is right next door, so if I get drunk I can just crash.”

“But don’t you have class tomorrow? It’s Monday—do you have a free day?”

“…….”

At the question thrown without any malice, my throat suddenly tightened. I averted my eyes from Kim Junwoo’s gaze slanting toward me. I fiddled with the clear glass of liquor for a moment before downing it in one go.

“Hey, Pioon.”

“…….”

“What’s up. Huh? Why aren’t you answering.”

Anxiety began to creep into Kim Junwoo’s voice as well. Biting my tingling lips from the soju, I slowly opened my mouth.

“…I took a leave of absence.”

“What?”

Kim Junwoo asked back with a blank face. Blinking repeatedly, he looked utterly bewildered, as if he had heard something unbelievable.

“What—what did you do?”

“…Exactly what you heard.”

“What does that mean? Why all of a sudden?”

Where should I even start explaining, and how far? Could I mention Choi Junghan’s name? Could I tell him everything I had gone through? If I did…

I slowly closed my eyes and opened them again. My heart was wavering. The urge to pour out every single truth to Kim Junwoo—who had come all this way without hesitation, who was now the only ally left in the world—surged up fiercely.

But…

I couldn’t. Shaking my head slowly in my mind, I forced a smile by lifting the corners of my mouth.

“Just… after trying it, something didn’t feel right. It didn’t seem like the university life I had imagined. I’m taking a semester off to sort out my mind, travel a bit, and then come back to school.”

“…….”

“Just… let’s drink the soju…”

“Hey, Pioon.”

Kim Junwoo cut me off abruptly.

“I’ve been thinking a lot during the months you were gone, you know?”

“…….”

“I know better than anyone that you’re not the type to just cut contact and drift away because you made some friends at university. But.”

He licked his lips once with his tongue. Sitting up straight and staring at me intently, Kim Junwoo showed none of the usual laid-back, goofy demeanor he always had with me.

“You changed a little starting from back then. From the time your mom remarried.”

For a moment my breath froze in my chest. To avoid letting my agitation show, I lowered my head and fiddled only with the empty soju glass.

“You… there’s something going on with that remarried family, isn’t there.”

“…No, what. Hey, it’s not like that…”

“What happened. Just say it straight.”

Kim Junwoo’s tone was fiercer than ever before. He growled in a low voice.

“You won’t tell me? Should I call your mom and ask her?”

“…….”

“She knows about the leave of absence? She doesn’t, does she? And you… the time you got beaten up wasn’t in Chuncheon or wherever, right. I thought something was off starting from then. Hey, Pioon…”

“Wait. Wait, Kim Junwoo… just wait a second.”

The barrage of words choked my throat heavily. Squeezing my eyes shut, I let out a pained, pleading sound. Watching me flail my hands as if struggling, Kim Junwoo stopped talking and waited in silence for me.

At that moment a presence approached, and the owner auntie pushed over a tray loaded with food. Delicious-looking sashimi and various side dishes were placed together.

After the auntie went back downstairs, I forced my lowered gaze upward. With difficulty I opened my tightly closed mouth.

“…This is our first time eating sashimi together.”

“…….”

“…Right.”

To break the awkward atmosphere, I spoke first in a small voice. Kim Junwoo, who had been quietly watching me, let out a deep sigh that puffed his cheeks, then poured soju into my empty glass.

“You called me all the way here—make it worth it.”

“Of course. Eat a lot. I’m paying…”

“No, today I’m definitely going to hear everything that’s happened to you.”

Kim Junwoo’s gaze was unwavering. His tone was firmer than ever.

“I think I’ve earned at least that much from you.”

“…….”

“This isn’t right between us. Talking about all the time we’ve spent together would wear out our mouths. Think about how I felt worrying every possible thing during the months I couldn’t reach you.”

I let out the stifling sigh that had been pent up in my chest. Even when I squeezed my eyelids shut hard and opened them again, no other option came to mind.

With my eyes cast down, I slowly nodded. I could no longer turn my back and run or hide in front of this kid.

“…Just let me finish one bottle. After that, I’ll tell you everything.”

“You’re not planning to get drunk and pass out, are you?”

Grumbling, Kim Junwoo still didn’t press further and poured more into my glass. I tilted my head back, took the liquor in one gulp, and swallowed. The bitterly sharp liquid scraped down my throat. For a while we ate and drank in silence.

“The weather is fucking nice.”

I quietly nodded at the words he tossed out.

Both of us turned our gazes out the window. The calm sea beneath the clear blue sky. Just looking at it made my heart relax on its own.

The bone-deep loneliness I had felt no longer lingered. Even if we couldn’t stay together forever, right now in front of me was a friend who had rushed all the way here for my sake. Did Kim Junwoo know? How much comfort his presence was giving me right now.

The alcohol went down one after another. Unlike last time when I had wondered what the hell I was even tasting, this time it felt different. Seeing me like that, Kim Junwoo frowned and plopped a piece of sashimi onto my small plate.

“I won’t rush you, so drink slowly. Eat some sides too. You want to crawl out of here on all fours?”

“No… I just… like it.”

“Like what.”

“Just… the weather’s nice. The food’s good.”

Mumbling while eating the sashimi he had given me, I said,

“…And above all, the best part is that you came.”

I saw his chopsticks, which had been about to pick up more sashimi, freeze for a moment. I messed up. I bit my lip in that instant. Knowing how Kim Junwoo felt toward me, I had always tried my best to avoid giving him even the slightest opening.

But perhaps because I had been eroded by loneliness for too long. Without realizing it, my boundaries had loosened. I had greedily soaked up the warmth that enveloped me without malice, heedless of consequences.

I ate slowly and drank. By the time one bottle of soju was nearly empty, the drunkenness began to set in. In truth it was because Kim Junwoo had only half-filled my glass while pouring himself full ones.

I slowly rubbed my heated eyelids. “Huu,” the breath I exhaled felt hot.

“Hey, Kim Junwoo.”

Kim Junwoo set down his chopsticks and said, “Yeah.” Perhaps thanks to the soju I had drunk eagerly, the pounding vibration that had started thudding in my chest felt a little dulled by the alcohol.

“No matter… what I say… don’t be shocked.”

“Okay.”

“No matter… what words come out… you can’t be shocked…”

“I got it. Just say it.”