LLU 70

My hands were damp with cold sweat. My fingers trembled finely. Trying not to let my roughened breathing be noticed, I strained with my entire body to sense the presence of the man sitting beside me.

How many minutes had passed? I was on the verge of breaking out in cold sweat all over. After staying on edge for a long while with nerves sharpened like a porcupine raising its quills, Choi Junghan finally moved.

He slightly turned his body to the right. The moment he picked up the coffee inserted in the right cup holder, his head turned minutely. Like a robot with a command entered, I reached for the cola inserted on the left side of my seat. Quickly opening the plastic lid, I pulled the zipper bag hidden in my cuff up a little with my fingers and shook the powder into the inside of the drink cup.

I do not know exactly how much I shook in. After pushing the zipper bag back inside my cuff, I deliberately did not close the lid and picked up the drink cup. Pretending to stir the drink with the straw, I checked the amount of powder. I visually confirmed that a quite satisfying quantity had been added.

Choi Junghan glanced at me. To avoid suspicion, I pretended to drink and tilted the cup to my mouth. Using my teeth, I took out just one piece of ice and held it in my mouth. Crunching and crunching the ice, I naturally closed the lid.

After biting and eating one piece of ice, I leaned my body toward him.

“Give me the coffee. I want to drink coffee now.”

It was a selfish request, but I was certain Choi Junghan would agree. As expected, he nodded and handed over the coffee he had been drinking. With the most nonchalant gesture possible, I handed him the cola I had been drinking.

He looked at me for a moment. As if he had something to say. My heart raced as if it would burst. It felt like any second he would open the cup lid, flash a grin at me, and ask.

‘What are you doing? Oon-ah.’

But Choi Junghan said nothing. He silently accepted the cola cup with condensation forming on its surface. The worst-case scenario I had imagined—of him pushing it back saying to just drink both—did not happen either.

His lowered gaze stared fixedly at the cup. Tension made everything before my eyes turn white. It felt as though time had stopped. ‘Probably, probably….’ Only the bright and lively Spanish music flowing out filled the suffocatingly dense space between him and me.

Choi Junghan smiled faintly and raised the cup slightly as if toasting.

“I’ll enjoy it.”

As always, it was a low and relaxed voice. And he really drank it. The lips covering the end of the straw exerted force and sucked in the liquid. Gulp, gulp. His Adam’s apple rose and fell as he drank the ice-melted cola without hesitation.

My tightly clenched fist had gone from cold sweat to feeling as icy as ice. It felt like my heart would jump out of my mouth. My inhaling and exhaling breaths trembled. To keep my agitation from being noticed, I poured all my strength solely into that.

The movie had now passed its climax and was racing toward the ending. The song with the same title as the movie flowed out and filled the entire theater. Longing for the most beautiful and brilliant time of their lives, the protagonists sat back-to-back with a wall between them. But now they could no longer reach each other.

The moment the song stopped, a certain conviction came over me.

I slowly turned my head to the right. His white and neat profile came into view. Since he always put me to sleep first, it was a face I rarely got to see normally.

Black eyelashes lowered, holding the light in clusters. A forehead and jawline that suited the word elegant. Lips pressed together without the slightest gap, and evenly leaking breaths.

I slowly rose from my seat. While I fully stood up, Choi Junghan—with his eyes closed—showed no reaction whatsoever.

I turned my back to him. I immediately tried to head toward the theater exit behind me, but like being pulled by a magnet, my head turned back.

Even with his eyes closed and his head slightly leaned against the seat, Choi Junghan showed no disarray. Looking at his face as he slept like the dead, I murmured a greeting as if entranced.

“…Don’t do well.”

In a small mutter with a voice resembling the white moon hanging in the sky tonight.

“Suffer. For as long as possible.”

Because from now on, you will never be able to know the answer.

I hoped Choi Junghan would wander for a long time. That even while holding the answer in his hand, he would be unable to find it and keep searching endlessly. That losing the me he loved would make him suffer terribly. Because that would surpass every act of revenge I had resolved to carry out against Choi Junghan.

With my back to him who gave no answer, I slowly moved my feet. Leaving behind the screen that was fading along with the beautiful mise-en-scène, I walked out of the theater. My vision blurred with moisture, and I had to wipe it away with the back of my hand two or three times.

I left the movie theater and caught an empty taxi. All the way to the subway station, I kept turning my head to check whether his bodyguard was following me.

But nothing was currently tracking me. At least not right now. I got off at a nearby subway station and took the route I had planned in advance. The first destination was the underground shopping arcade connected to the subway station.

This underground shopping arcade—famous for its bustling rows of clothing stores—was quite complicated, so anyone unfamiliar with it would easily get lost. I had come here once or twice before and remembered it. I needed new clothes anyway, and if I ended up being chased, it would be easy to shake off bodyguards here, so I had chosen this place with that calculation.

As for money, I had enough that I would not need to worry for the time being. While finely grinding six sleeping pills in preparation, I had not planned to rush out with just my body and no countermeasures.

In the meantime, I had secretly searched the entire house bit by bit and hidden sleeping pills along with cash. Whenever I got the chance, I had rifled through his wallet and taken out money in amounts that would not be noticeable. Since most of the money he had was in large denominations, gathering escape funds had not been that difficult.

I went straight into a store selling clothes in a style that boys my age would wear. Since I had no intention of leisurely shopping, buying one cap and one set of top and bottom clothes and coming out took less than five minutes.

In the underwear store and shoe store right next door, I also bought one set of underwear and one pair of sneakers. Carrying all of them, I hurried into the bathroom at a brisk pace.

I took off every piece of clothing I was wearing. Completely naked, I took out the clothes I had just bought from the plastic bag. After putting on new clothes from head to toe, just as I was about to bundle up the clothes I had been wearing and throw them into the trash—

My hand hesitated. Surely somewhere in these clothes that Choi Junghan had bought me, there would be a tiny location tracker attached. I knew that perfectly well, yet I could not understand why I was hesitating. What was the reason for the unpleasant dull ache I felt in my chest?

‘Try it on once. I stopped by the department store for something and thought of you, so I bought it.’

Was it two months ago? His voice saying that rang in my ears in time with my pounding pulse.

‘I don’t need it. I have nowhere to go, so why buy clothes?’

‘Just try it on, don’t be like that.’

Even when I made a pathetic face at him while looking at the price tag on the clothes, it was useless. With his sly and skilled coaxing, he ultimately succeeded in getting me to wear these clothes.

‘Money rotting away? You sure have all kinds of ways to waste it.’

‘How is it. Looks good on you, right?’

Whether I gaped in shock or cursed, he paid no attention. The light beige knit and dark maroon pants reflected in the mirror suited me quite well, even though I hated to admit it.

When I shut my mouth in frustration, he had laughed low and touched my hair. Rustle rustle… Who would believe that the hand gently stroking my hair was the same one that had once choked my neck and slapped my cheek in a distant past?

I had not expected that touch to suddenly come to mind at such an absurd timing. What was the name of the entity that kept grabbing my ankle and dragging me into a swamp of emotions—memories and sentiments—that had absolutely no place between me and Choi Junghan?

“…I don’t need it.”

I deliberately muttered in an irritated voice. I mercilessly shoved the clothes with their soft texture into the trash. Ignoring the stinging ache in my chest, I kicked open the bathroom door and came out.

First I took the subway. I had roughly decided where to flee. I had not considered any seaside area even for a moment. The memories tied to the sea were too painful for that.

For now, I planned to go to Daejeon. It was in the center of the country, so perhaps it would be easier to move to other regions later—a vague thought like that; it was merely a destination, not a place I absolutely had to go. With so many regions out there, the fact that I had not a single tie to any of them struck me anew with helplessness.

Since it was quite late, I hurried to the nearest KTX station. Fortunately, there was a seat available for me. From boarding the KTX to arriving at Daejeon Station took an absurdly short time.

Seeing the large letters “Daejeon Station” written on the station building made my chest heave violently. For a moment I felt afraid. Afraid that the emotion that had come to me earlier in the underground shopping arcade bathroom would come again and overwhelm me. Afraid that an unwanted memory might cloud my eyes and lead me in the wrong direction.

I must not give myself time to think. I walked straight out, caught a taxi, and asked the driver to take me to a large jjimjilbang. The jjimjilbang building was not very far away.

How long had it been since I last came to a jjimjilbang? I stared blankly at the entrance that unfolded like another world. The entire process of receiving clothes and entering the men’s changing room to change felt like dreaming.

If this were a dream.

I thought that while slowly taking off my pants. The plan I had simulated countless times in my head—I was executing it miraculously well. Not a single deviation.

But what if this situation was actually the dream I had barely clung to every night in sleep? What if when I opened my eyes, I was lying on the bed held in Choi Junghan’s arms? What if I once again faced the painfully lonely bluish dawn alone, looking down at his sleeping face…

Stop.

I shook my head hard to break off the delusion. Enough stray thoughts—I decided to go into the bath area first. But the moment I stepped toward the inside, my feet froze without my realizing it.

The scene of several large men rising from the water suddenly crashed into my vision with brutal violence. Before I could even feel flustered, my entire body stiffened rigidly.

Without realizing it, I stepped backward. Even though they were not coming toward me, my chest tightened. With the suffocating feeling of my ribs being squeezed, I ran out of the bath area as if fleeing.

Standing at the entrance, I clutched my chest and panted. Beep—an endless ringing echoed in my ears.

“Huff, huff, huff….”

None of the men’s builds or faces resembled him at all. It would be hard to find anyone whose appearance resembled Choi Junghan. No, probably no one in this world.

Then why had that happened just now? On the way here I had passed dozens, hundreds of men at least. I had been fine then, so why suddenly now?

While I stood like that, someone approached and asked worriedly.

“Are you okay?”

I forced a smile toward him, saying it was just a brief dizzy spell. I absolutely wanted to avoid causing a commotion.

I sat on a nearby wooden bench and rested for a long while. My rapid breathing gradually calmed. I had wanted to relax in a hot tub bath, but… it seemed I would have to put that off until tomorrow. Folding away the regret, I changed into the shorts and T-shirt I had received at the entrance and headed to the sauna.

The spacious area inside was quiet. When I had decided to run away, all I had wanted was to blend into a crowd, but now that there were not many people, relief washed over me again. I took one of the sleeping capsules arranged at regular intervals like an anthill and lay down.

“…Haa….”

Whatever lump had been blocking my throat for several hours burst out along with a sigh.

I exhaled deeply like that several times. My head throbbed dully. Fatigue had reached its peak, yet sleep did not come. I could not tell whether it was from too much relief or from newly arrived anxiety.

The sleeping capsule enveloping me like a cave felt cozy only for a moment. Soon the imagination that rushed in blinded my vision white.

Black-clad bodyguards burst in. I, dozing off fitfully, am trapped in this narrow space and dragged out without even a chance to resist. Dragged out like a dog, what I face is Choi Junghan’s face. The moment our eyes meet, as always, he smiles deeply and greets me… as if nothing had happened.

My body shuddered violently. To shake off the terrible imagination that had taken over my mind, I jumped out of the narrow sleeping capsule. Instead, I spread out and lay down near where a few people were watching TV.

Being in an open space with other people eased my anxiety just a little. With a complicated gaze, I looked at the large TV screen broadcasting a drama.

But the content of the drama did not enter my eyes at all. Instead, only the mise-en-scène from the movie I had watched with him just before endlessly replayed before my eyes. I covered my empty, shell-like eyes with both hands.

Why isn’t Choi Junghan coming to find me?

Several hours had already passed since I left the theater. No matter how deeply asleep he had been, a theater staff member would have woken him. The dose of sleeping powder had definitely been an overdose by my standards, but there was no way a man bigger and taller than me would be harmed by taking that amount.

If so, by now he must have realized I was gone.

Unlike back then when I naively believed I had shaken him off while covered head to toe in location trackers, this time I had changed all my clothes to avoid Choi Junghan’s pursuit. I was not carrying a phone or wallet either. The cash I had was stuffed into a plastic bag and hidden inside my underwear. In short, unless he had planted a chip inside my body, there was no way for him to track me.

Nevertheless, what was puzzling was that I knew very well Choi Junghan was not so incompetent that he could not catch someone like me.