LLU 80

“We’re not exactly in the kind of relationship where we sit around chatting and eating together.”

“Then what. Do we have to meet holding knives to each other’s throats?”

It was a pointed remark. I glared at him as he smiled languidly, reminding me of our last meeting, then picked up my spoon.

In any case, I had followed Choi Junghan all the way here, and a lavish feast was about to be set in front of me. If I cursed him out and stormed out of here, my heart would feel lighter, but I didn’t particularly want to do that. I already felt resentful about being practically forced to come here, and if I dawdled like this and missed lunch altogether, I’d only be the one losing out.

I picked up my chopsticks and started eating. By the time I was nearly finished with the appetizer plate, the next course naturally came out. As soon as a dish was placed in front of me, I ate at a pace that was neither fast nor slow.

It was Choi Junghan who broke the silence first.

“You still eat well.”

“…….”

“You should eat properly like this normally. Why have you gotten so thin?”

By that point, the emotions I had been managing to suppress could no longer be controlled. I set my chopsticks down with a sharp clack.

“What’s your purpose in doing this?”

“Purpose?”

“Don’t you think it’s excessive mockery for you to worry about me? What exactly is your intention?”

He opened his eyes slightly wider. It was as if he genuinely couldn’t understand why I would suddenly throw out such a question in the middle of eating. From my perspective, it was an utterly infuriating expression.

“Intention? There’s no such thing. I just thought it would be good if you had more balanced meals. You’re too thin.”

“So why are you the one worrying about my meals and my weight?”

“Because you’re mine.”

My words caught in my throat. Choi Junghan, claiming ownership like a toy, wore an utterly nonchalant expression. The words that followed completely shut my mouth again.

“Because you’re something I love. It’s only natural to take care of you so you don’t wither or get sick.”

How could I possibly explain the feeling that hit me in that moment? I froze all movement and stared blankly at Choi Junghan. I couldn’t even say “What?” in response or curse him out.

It wasn’t exactly new for Choi Junghan to spout that he loved me. But the reason I was shaken to a surprising degree was that the Choi Junghan who spoke the word “love” felt somehow different from the one I had known before.

The first time Choi Junghan told me he loved me, he had looked confused. He had to face a test in front of me without knowing anything. Yet he skillfully hid his agitation and uttered those words while looking at me. It was as if he were reading aloud a foreign language whose meaning and pronunciation he didn’t understand at all.

But.

Now…

“…You probably won’t ever understand this in your lifetime. Emotions aren’t that one-sided.”

I, frozen like a statue, barely managed to open my mouth and force the words out.

“They’re given and received. Emotions. No matter how stubbornly you force me, you can’t just say you’re in love with me…”

“Oon-ah.”

Choi Junghan, who had already set his chopsticks down at some point, cut off my faltering words. As always, his eyes looking steadily into mine were filled with unshakable conviction.

“You might find this hard to understand.”

“…….”

“But some people love in that way.”

Boom—somewhere in my chest, an unidentified roar erupted. The silence that rushed in afterward couldn’t push away that destructive impact.

My words were blocked again. Leaving me stupidly rigid, Choi Junghan picked up his chopsticks as if nothing had happened and resumed eating.

“Since you’ve already got your chopsticks, at least eat properly. Stop stuffing yourself with that damn trash like triangle kimbap.”

He said it in a gentle voice. After glaring at him for a moment, I picked up my spoon again. I had no desire to act like some immature kid who trembled at a single “I love you” from Choi Junghan and stormed out.

After that, neither he nor I spoke. I started forcing the food down. Having a proper meal—not the trash Choi Junghan mentioned—aside from school cafeteria lunches, had been a long time coming.

But I couldn’t taste it properly. It felt like I was chewing food mixed with sand. The words Choi Junghan had said floated around in my head like cosmic dust.

I desperately pushed those words out and filled the space with food instead. Every time the words surged up again, I shoved more rice in and forcibly drove them away. Before I knew it, I had emptied an entire bowl of rice.

Without lingering, I set the spoon down and stood up. Choi Junghan watched me intently as I slung my bag, which had been placed in the corner, over my shoulder, and asked.

“Let’s go together. I’ll give you a ride.”

“No thanks.”

I rummaged through my bag and took out my wallet. Two 50,000-won bills that I had kept as emergency cash for months, untouched, came into view.

Without hesitation, I pulled out the two bills and placed them on the table. Seeing the two bills stacked side by side, Choi Junghan lifted the corner of his mouth as if he found it absurd.

“What are you doing, Oon-ah?”

“Because I don’t want to eat off you.”

I replied in a cold voice.

“I know this isn’t nearly enough. But you’ll have to deal with it. You’re the one who dragged me here by force.”

“…….”

“And don’t ever pull this kind of shit again.”

I spat the words at him as he still sat there arrogantly looking up at me. I put my wallet away and straightened my bag properly. Just as I was about to leave the room.

“Really…”

A soft chuckle came from behind me.

“You’re still the same. That temper of yours.”

“…….”

“But that’s exactly why you’re even more lovable.”

Our gazes collided. Choi Junghan met my eyes straight on and smiled faintly. However, he didn’t stand up to stop me or add anything more.

I left him alone in the room and walked out. Passing by the employees who politely bowed in greeting, I exited the place.

I walked slowly forward. The restaurant was located in a quiet area, and there was no sign of a bus stop or subway station. I considered calling a taxi but decided against it. My stomach felt bloated from forcing the food down, and I also felt like walking without any particular destination.

Once I stepped outside, I couldn’t understand why everything felt so unfamiliar. The air that hit me quite coldly, yet the sunlight that still poured down strongly. Everything felt alien, as if it belonged to another world.

Was it because the neat room in the traditional Korean restaurant had been decorated so beautifully that it felt completely separated from the rough, coarse world outside?

…No, in truth, I knew. It wasn’t about the space.

“Some people love in that way.”

The sentence had been violently injected into my mind.

Choi Junghan, calmly discussing his way of loving, didn’t seem like the person I knew. His appearance, his scent, his arrogant tone and gentle voice were all distinctly Choi Junghan’s, yet.

Those words left an indelible mark on me. After he said them to me, I underwent some irreversible change.

Had Choi Junghan perhaps realized something about his own emotions?

Just assuming it made one of the pillars supporting a part of my heart collapse with a thud. Just like the shock I felt when I realized that he—who I thought could never love even if he came back from the dead—was in love with me.

Choi Junghan had once boldly declared that he didn’t know the kinds of emotions ordinary people feel while living. The image of him bulldozing his way toward an answer was vivid.

And I had felt exhilaration watching him like that. If I were to take revenge, I believed the only clue was there. I wanted Choi Junghan to love me desperately yet never realize it, wandering in search of love for the rest of his life.

But Choi Junghan had gone and realized it after all.

That even a monster like him could love.

And that he was already in love with me…

“…None of my business.”

I shook my head. I tried hard to shake off the sticky thought clinging to my mind. As I had told Choi Junghan, the emotion of love can only be established when it is given and received.

Whether he loved me or not, whether he realized it or not, it had nothing to do with me. The desire for revenge couldn’t compare to the normal life I was enjoying now.

Having lost every card in my relationship with Choi Junghan, the best course now was to forget the time I spent with him. So all I had to do was quietly maintain my daily routine.

However, the problem was that Choi Junghan kept intruding into my daily life without giving me a chance to forget him.

He came almost every day. And in ways that were hard for me to refuse. Blocking the narrow alley with his massive sedan and just waiting there, or parking in front of the school gate according to my timetable—it happened all the time. Knowing how busy Choi Junghan’s schedule was, I couldn’t help but feel dumbfounded.

“Not busy?”

Today, as usual, I asked him as he parked his car in front of the school gate. I couldn’t hide the contempt in my voice even if I tried. Not that I had any intention of hiding it.

Choi Junghan replied in a relaxed voice.

“I am busy.”

“Then go do your work. Don’t waste time for no reason.”

“This is the most important thing to me.”

That strange feeling I had felt last time crept up again. Choi Junghan, who had tried to preach about his way of loving… I frowned as deeply as I could.

“I can’t have dinner with you today. I’m busy.”

“I know. You’re going to XX neighborhood for tutoring.”

“…….”

A sigh came out automatically. At the same time, helplessness surged in. How could I possibly hold out against Choi Junghan, who knew everything from my lecture schedule to my entire week’s plans?

I wondered if I should just ignore him whether he honked or not and walk away. But if I did, I couldn’t even predict what method he would use to piss me off.

“You have to take the bus anyway. It’ll be packed with people on the way home from work.”

To Choi Junghan, who was earnestly trying to persuade me, I snapped curtly.

“None of your business.”

“Don’t waste your energy. Just get in. You’re going to come every day like this anyway. Think of me as your chauffeur.”

Haa…. Glaring at him while letting out a dry sigh, I eventually opened the back door of the car roughly. Come to think of it, Choi Junghan had never once brought a driver when coming to pick me up.

“Why are you driving yourself when it doesn’t suit you? You used to have a driver every day.”

“Dates should be just the two of us.”

Seeing Choi Junghan reply in a pleased voice, I was once again at a loss for words. Inside his car, which began driving smoothly, I leaned back in the seat half in resignation. If he insisted on coming to pick me up and drop me off, then as he said, I might as well treat him like a chauffeur.

However, unlike what he called a “date,” Choi Junghan didn’t say much during the drive. I had no intention of chattering beside him either, so only silence flowed inside the car. It felt like I could hear every single one of Choi Junghan’s breaths, and unable to endure the uncomfortable quiet any longer, I finally blurted out.

“Turn on some audio or something. Play the radio or whatever.”

“As you command.”