LLU 84

Despite not even being able to act like a normal person. If only he hadn’t handed over such sweet, sugary words like other lovers do.

“Oon-ah.”

If I hadn’t.

“I’m already doing that.”

…heard those words, I wouldn’t have had to feel this kind of pain.

That day when I went to Choi Junghan’s house with a knife, I realized it. That some seed had stubbornly pushed through the barren land and taken root no matter what. And the name of that seed was “leeway”—the leeway toward the only person who could put me to sleep and let me rest.

However, what had taken root so tenaciously in my heart left only a huge wound in the field of my mind. Choi Junghan’s words—that it was merely compensation for his little fire prank—mercilessly dug into the wound, pinched it, and sprinkled foreign matter over it.

It hurt. I truly hated Choi Junghan to death for clawing open and tearing apart scars that had already healed and scabbed over.

“Why are you crying.”

Only after Choi Junghan said that did I realize. That I was crying. My vision blurred hazily. Everything felt disillusioned. My trembling voice, the fact that I was pathetically crying in front of him like an idiot. I hated it all so much I wanted to kill everything.

“Don’t cry.”

His hand approached. Long, white, and cold fingers. The palm that was the only part that grew hot when it touched me. The moment his skin touched mine, I shuddered violently.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t lay a hand on my body.”

“Pioon.”

“I said don’t touch me, you son of a bitch!”

I screamed until my throat tore. By now my wrists were firmly held by him, and I struggled desperately to shake them free.

I thrashed around and tried to kick his shins. Several times I actually landed solid kicks on his legs. But Choi Junghan only let out a low groan once and didn’t release me. Instead he tightened his grip even more and pressed me harder.

“If you want to hit me, fine. Go ahead. Slap my face, kick me, stab me with a knife. But I need to know the reason first. That comes before anything else.”

“Reason? You… huff… you bastard, when you tormented me, did you ever… give me any fucking reason?”

I struggled even more fiercely. I wanted to kill Choi Junghan for demanding an explanation from me that I had never once received from him.

I lifted my face and spat in his face. In that instant my right hand slipped free. Without missing the chance, I slapped his cheek hard. His face whipped around so far that I could see the sharp side of his tall nose.

Choi Junghan grabbed my wrist again. His leg forced its way between my thighs and mercilessly drove upward. With his heavy body he pinned me against the wall and crushed me down. At first I had pushed him against the wall, but in the end I was bound by him once more, unable to move at all.

Tears smeared messily across my face so that I could hardly see Choi Junghan’s expression. I couldn’t tell what face he was making or what look was in his eyes. I wanted to stare straight into those arrogant eyes and curse him out, but the hot tears that kept pouring down relentlessly ruined it.

“Why are you doing this. Hm?”

“You son of a bitch. You… you…”

His voice, gentle and coaxing as if soothing a wildly thrashing cat, made rage surge up inside me. Too many words tangled chaotically in my chest. My heart, chained by heavy shackles, pounded with loud clanks.

“Our house… you set it on fire… a fire… prank… huff… hah.”

“Calm down. I get it, so calm down.”

His large hand released me without hesitation. Then it covered my eyes. The familiar scent of his cologne was right under my nose from his wrist.

Within his all-too-familiar body heat, within his touch, my anxiously racing breaths subsided with desperate speed.

“You set our house on fire… …was it really you? Did you really do it?”

“……”

“Why did you go that far? And why did you say it like that? To you… to you… was that really just a prank?”

Tears flowed endlessly and soaked his palm. Inside the cozy abyss he had created, I asked him. With a trembling voice I asked.

I wished Choi Junghan would deny it. I hoped that this man, who had no need to lie, would casually deceive me just this once. He didn’t know things like pangs of conscience anyway. Even if he tricked me with his silver tongue, he himself would feel no pain at all.

But.

“Yeah, I set the fire. I wanted to bring you into my space, but your house was in the way. So I got rid of it.”

“……”

“One more thing. That so-called friend of yours was looking at you with beast-like eyes. If I left it alone, it seemed like he’d end up rolling around in that house with you. I just didn’t want to see that.”

Choi Junghan spoke the truth without reservation. In a voice that felt not even the slightest hint of apology or regret. The cruel truth continued.

“And the reason I said that to your mother.”

There Choi Junghan paused for a moment. But soon the explanation flowed out without stumbling.

“It was sincere for me at the time too, but also because I thought if I said it that way to your mother, you’d come back. The timing I had in mind wasn’t this, though. Self-inflicted, I guess.”

Choi Junghan gave a wry smile, but that was all. I roughly shoved away the hand that was covering my eyes. Finally, with cleared vision, I could see Choi Junghan’s face in front of me. My chest, surging with rage, felt like it would burst.

“Apologize to me. Say you’re sorry.”

My gaze trembled violently, but I glared straight at him. Choi Junghan opened his mouth immediately without hesitation.

“I’m sorry. Oon-ah.”

“Say it with sincerity!”

“I’m sorry. Oon-ah.”

“Fuck, if you can’t do it, then at least lie to me!”

I raised my fist and struck his chest repeatedly like a machine. Once, twice, three times, endlessly I pounded his shoulders and collarbones with my fists.

“You said you love me. You said you’d wait for me forever, fuck. You said you’d love me in your own way. But… huff… but you can’t even say sorry with sincerity?! You monster! Is this your way?! Is this pathetic shit your way?!”

I screamed while striking him. I hit and hit and hit and hit again the Choi Junghan who had casually crushed my life with the word “prank,” who had no hesitation in delivering that truth to me, who didn’t even think of deceiving me with sweet words.

He simply took it. Without letting out a single breath, without changing his expression once.

“Lie if you have to. Say you regret it. Say you’re sorry for ruining my life so carelessly. Say you’re sorry for getting so filthily entangled in my life! Say you wish you’d never met me!”

My whole body felt scorching hot, as if wrapped in flames. I screamed with such force it seemed I would vomit out my heart. I wanted to spew out everything about Choi Junghan that had piled up in my chest.

That was the moment. The wrists that had been flailing wildly in the air and striking him were suddenly gripped hard.

“I can’t do that.”

Choi Junghan recited in a chilling voice.

“Regret? Why would I? Burning down your old house let me have fun times with you.”

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up, you bastard!”

“Even if it’s a lie, you want me to say I’m sorry?”

He brought his face close. At a distance where our noses almost touched, our breaths tangled chaotically. His beast-like gaze squeezed me tightly. In his eyes, which had shown no emotion all along, blue flames sparked.

“You know it’s a lie, so why do you want to hear it. I’m not sorry at all.”

“You fucking son of a bitch…!”

“And why are you asking about my way, Oon-ah.”

Suddenly he pressed his lips to mine. Beyond our roughly colliding lips, he whispered.

“You know better than anyone that I’m just this kind of person.”

As if he would steal even the breath I exhaled, Choi Junghan thrust his tongue deep inside. I couldn’t breathe. Even as I pounded his face and chest with thudding sounds, he covered me more persistently.

I bit down hard on the tongue that was rigid like an erect cock. Without showing any sign of pain, he pulled back slightly. Between Choi Junghan’s and my lips, saliva mixed with blood stretched out in a long string.

“Get off. Hah, don’t touch my body.”

“I just don’t want to lie to you.”

“Lie if you have to. Fuck, just lie to me!”

“Oon-ah, you.”

Suddenly Choi Junghan narrowed his eyes. At the end of his soft smile sat a horrifying statement.

“You want me as your lover.”

For a moment my breath caught in my throat. A pain of unknown origin stabbed deep into my chest. Every hair on my body stood on end.

An terrifying strength gripped my arms. The word “It hurts!” came out automatically. The moment a scream-like cry tore through the air, Choi Junghan pressed his lips to mine again. With the ferocious momentum of a starving beast, I couldn’t mount any proper resistance.

He sucked greedily on my tongue, which had stiffened from tension and anger, making lewd sucking sounds. Smack, smack. With vulgar obscenity he devoured me as his hands reached for my clothes. Unbelievably, he was trying to undress me.

“Let go. Let go of this. Don’t do this shit. You bastard!”

“Let’s have sex, Oon-ah. This is what lovers normally do, hah.”

The insane bastard spouted those words. He tried to strip off my desperately struggling clothes, and when I resisted, he tore them with his hands.

My pants were pulled down, my underwear dragged to my knees. The ripped knit sweater caught on my neck before finally coming off my body. Even as he took several blows from my wildly swinging fists, Choi Junghan forced it through. My resistance was desperate in the face of overwhelming strength, but it was always powerless.

The eyes facing me gleamed with a madness that was beyond reason. It wasn’t simply blinded by lust. He was seized by some incomprehensible passion. The gentle and persistent approach he had shown for weeks seemed to have evaporated without a trace.

Was he angry now? Was he punishing me for thrashing around? Would our relationship go back to the way it was before…

Fear rushed in like a flood. The slowly rising emptiness beneath my feet crumbled my foundation like sinking sand. After enduring indescribably agonizing moments, we had ended up right back where we started.

My completely exhausted body couldn’t even leave the entryway. I collapsed powerlessly to the floor, gasping. Choi Junghan climbed on top of my heaving body. He removed my shoes and stripped off the pants and underwear tangled at my ankles. The cold touch of the floor against my bare skin, the familiar weight pressing down on me—it was all horrifying.

I sobbed and thrashed as if screaming.

“Don’t… do it. Don’t do it. If you rape me now… I’ll never see you again.”

“Oon-ah. Why do you get to decide that.”

His cold voice mocked me.

“I told you to say you wish you’d never gotten involved with me.”

“No, hah, don’t do it!”

“You think that kind of lie is better than my true love for you? You’ll never see me again? Don’t make me laugh.”

He chewed out the words in a suppressed voice. The hard flesh mocked my words as it slowly pushed between my buttocks.

“You can’t erase me from your life. And the same goes for me—I can’t erase you from mine.”

“Huu, ah…!”

“So accept it. This is my way.”

The moment the thick, hot tip of his cock touched my tightly closed entrance, I gritted my teeth and twisted my waist. Sweat poured down like rain, soaking my temples, the corners of my eyes, my neck.

The countless precedents we had repeated told me. No matter how much I screamed don’t do it, I hate it, get away, those words could never influence Choi Junghan’s actions.