LLU 68

“So just try believing that you’re here with me of your own will.”

“…….”

“That would be the best path for both of us.”

Leaving those words behind, he exited the hospital room.

Soon after, the caregivers came in and carefully laid me back down on the bed before applying the restraints. At the same time, a sedative was administered.

While kindly asking with their mouths whether I was okay, they bound my wrists and ankles tightly like I was a criminal, yet I offered no resistance whatsoever. Not only could I not possibly overpower several strong men rushing at me, but even if I tried to escape with empty fists that held nothing, nothing would change.

The fight with him was an endlessly distant long-term war with no end in sight, so there was no need to waste energy meaninglessly. I obediently surrendered my body as they wanted and fell into sleep.

I dreamed several dreams whose contents I could not even remember, occasionally opening my eyes. Each time, Choi Junghan, who had been sitting by my side, reached out and brushed my hair back. He would feed me water or sing me a lullaby.

For some reason, every time I opened my eyes, my gaze went to Choi Junghan’s ankle. I kept taking in the bloodstains that had soaked the bandage red, then even redder, eventually turning brown, yet I said nothing.

Outside the window, at a very low height, petals were scattering.

Fluttering leaves brushed over people’s heads along with the spring breeze. Even though this place was very high up, it almost felt as though I could clearly see the expressions of people laughing so brightly their teeth were showing.

Spring had already come.

The sentiment about the season rang so indifferently through my head. It really was something that had nothing to do with me. At least, for now.

I watched all the seasons from here. The summer sunlight that blazed so hot it seemed to melt the entire world. The scenery of fallen leaves piling up and being neatly cleared away. The relentless, beautiful hell where snow melted ceaselessly yet never tired, piling layer upon layer of fresh snow until finally achieving a pure white landscape.

It was a long winter. Even just melting the snow took quite a while. The ashen sky showed no sign of revealing the sun. The gloomy days continued for so long that news articles reported how unusually overcast weather had persisted.

Yet, as if none of it had ever happened, the snow gradually melted and disappeared. The ground, frozen solid to the point of despair, slowly thawed, and the bare branches that had seemed incapable of sprouting any life secretly began to draw out the new buds they had kept hidden one by one. The earth quietly pulsed, and the life that had held its breath finally exhaled all at once and burst forth.

The sky that had been gray all along was now blue. The streets that had been empty were filled with people enjoying the warm spring.

The scenery was warm, as though it had never frozen the entire world. In this moment, so completely changed that no trace of the past could be found, it was my twenty-first spring.

Only I remained trapped here, still.

Pat, pat. The careful motion that had been patting my chest all along stopped. The flowing time paused along with it. Like the moment of catching a butterfly sitting on a flower.

Soon, even breathing filled the air of the room quietly. Choi Junghan, finally asleep, had wrapped his arms and legs around me, binding my entire body. Suffocatingly. It was a new habit that had formed since the day I stabbed him with a knife.

Choi Junghan’s face was right in front of me. In the darkness, I quietly looked at him.

Dark shadows hung under his eyes. Lately his jawline seemed to have sharpened noticeably. Spending all day working and then devoting several full hours every night to putting me to sleep—no matter how steel-like a person he was, it could not be easy.

From some day onward, he went to the office for only the minimum time and spent far more hours working from home. The old figure who used to pull all-nighters as routinely as eating meals was nowhere to be seen anymore. As the time he spent at home increased, he took even more meticulous care of me.

From some day onward, I had been accompanied by insomnia. It seemed to have started since the day I stabbed Choi Junghan with a knife.

And today was, fortunately, a day when I had the “opportunity not to take the medicine.” As a result, I was left alone in the darkness. Blinking with a clear mind.

I looked down at my body tinted by the bluish light of early dawn. The inner sides of my forearms were covered with faded scars. All of them were marks I had bitten into myself with my own teeth. Since sharp objects were forbidden, not even growing my nails was allowed, the only weapon I had in this house to harm myself with was my teeth.

When I first entered this house and was forced to orally service Choi Junghan’s genitals, he had said that if my teeth touched him, he would pull them all out. That statement now felt as distant as a previous life. Because now he no longer said such things.

Now, in this house, the only person who could harm me was myself. So I endlessly devoured myself in front of him. I bit and tore cruelly. There was only one purpose. To turn Choi Junghan’s insides upside down.

But soon that purpose became secondary. After fiercely demanding relief from insomnia and harming myself thoroughly, I could receive one small white pill from Choi Junghan. I self-harmed in order to get that sedative. Because taking it let me fall asleep instantly, without any stray thoughts.

After several such incidents, the conditions changed. Choi Junghan would only give me the pill on days when he confirmed I had not harmed myself.

Self-harm stopped around then. The inner forearms that had always been tightly wrapped in bandages gradually began to reveal bare skin. Instead of harming myself, I started endlessly begging and demanding sleep from him. And Choi Junghan never once found me annoying for it.

‘Put me to sleep.’

That one phrase was enough. Whether he was working, eating, or even sleeping, the moment I said those words, without the slightest hesitation he would stop whatever he was doing, stand up, hand me one sleeping pill, take me to bed, hold me in his arms, and put me to sleep.

Of course, I was not putting in all that effort because I wanted to be held by him and listen to lullabies. My sole purpose was that white pill.

To someone suffering from insomnia like me, every time I saw that pill it was sweet temptation. Because if I took it, I could sleep deeply for several hours without any stray thoughts.

But very occasionally, there came an “opportunity not to take the medicine”—almost always Choi Junghan made me take the pill in front of him, but gaps sometimes existed. Over the long time of faithfully taking the medication to the point of showing dependency, his wariness had gradually and steadily crumbled—and fortunately I had not become so addicted that I would let even that opportunity slip by.

And in the midst of that process, I realized one very unpleasant fact.

What gently melted away the unnecessary strength that had clung to my body like frost or poison, and pushed me into dark unconsciousness, was not the pill but something else.

I did not try to examine closely the fact that crept in faintly. If possible, I wanted to ignore it to the very end. Because every now and then, the words Choi Junghan had said would come to mind.

‘Try believing that you’re here with me of your own will. That would be good for both of us.’

How could I acknowledge that what actually severed my stubborn and tenacious consciousness was not the effect of the drug but Choi Junghan’s body heat? That what covered my trembling unconsciousness with a blanket was the lullaby he sang…?

Choi Junghan never wavered. He acted as though he had been born to be with me. He seemed to have no doubt or hesitation whatsoever about sharing every moment of daily life with me and living life together.

In a world where even blood ties formed by family are severed according to each person’s needs, what Choi Junghan gained from me was extremely trivial compared to what he stood to lose—an incomparably greater amount.

Yet despite that, Choi Junghan did not abandon me. While holding all honor and comfort in his hands, he acted like someone shipwrecked alone with me on a remote island. Just where did that conviction come from?

Above all, what gave me the greatest fear was that this attitude of his showed absolutely no sign of ever changing in the future. Every time I faced Choi Junghan’s unshakable conviction, my breath caught in my throat.

However, the overwhelming helplessness I felt while looking at his immovable figure slowly began to transform inside me. It was like a pond whose flow was blocked in every direction. Quietly rotting, perhaps not even realizing that the life it contained was fading away.

Sometimes such a thought would come to me.

What if changing my own mind just once would make everything easier?

What if I simply pretended not to know and just accepted that rock-solid, one-sided offering from Choi Junghan?

After all, there was no one left by my side anymore. No family, no friends, nothing possessed, nowhere to go. So here, with this man who would give me everything with just one childish whine from me, maybe I could just…

‘…Snap out of it.’

Once the thought sneaked into my mind like a thief, from then on it came back habitually like inertia. That appalling hypothesis gradually reduced its sense of rejection and stealthily expanded its territory. Like clothes getting wet in drizzling rain.

I was afraid. Afraid that it really would turn out the way Choi Junghan said. Afraid that I would mistake this insane behavior for stability and settle here forever. And that between that becoming reality and now, there existed only a barrier as thin as a single sheet of paper.

All I had to do was believe. With just that, I could break the barrier and become comfortable anytime.

If I simply believed, as Choi Junghan said, that I loved him, that would be enough. No other preparation was necessary—just me believing it alone…

The thought I had once dismissed as formless gradually began to gain concrete weight. The light thought that had floated in like dandelion seeds kept trying to take root inside me.

So I made a decision.

I would escape from Choi Junghan.

If I stayed by his side like this, it felt as though I would be devoured by him, who cast a gigantic shadow like an ancient tree. Although he had already taken everything I possessed, there was one last thing I still had—the single determination to take revenge on him—that must not be taken away.

Choi Junghan was already prepared to give me everything. That much was clear just from the way he did not push me away despite how I had ruined the shareholders’ meeting and was devouring his daily life—instead, he wrapped me even more tenderly and preciously. No, I could tell just from looking into his eyes.

The answer that Choi Junghan had long sought.

Perhaps I had secretly known that fact for a long time already. Yet I had ignored it for far too long. Because… just as I did not want to admit that I found stability in his arms, I did not want to acknowledge that fact.

I had concluded that a monster who could ruin one person so thoroughly and still feel not even a shred of guilt could neither feel such emotions nor should he.

The fact that the answer he had asked about so countless times was held not by anyone else but by himself—Choi Junghan did not know that.

And I will never tell him that fact until the day I die. Because that is the greatest revenge I can carry out.

Choi Junghan loves me.

Even though he himself may not know that it is love.

Therefore, the way to truly take revenge on him is to take my existence away from the Choi Junghan who loves me.

I will escape from him.

Finally, it was D-day.

I lightly rotated the ankle that Choi Junghan had just released from the shackle. Slowly five times one way, then five times the other. After confirming that it turned smoothly without strain, I stood up.

At last, I heard the sound of Choi Junghan turning on the water. While listening to the sound of him washing, I quickly dashed into the bedroom bathroom.

Unlike the two large bathrooms in the living area, this place was a narrow and cozy space used only by me. And most importantly, no camera was installed here.

Since he had just started washing, it would take at least fifteen minutes. I took a long deep breath and calmed my wildly pounding heart.

Slowly I opened the toilet tank. I took out “that thing” which I had meticulously sealed inside several zipper bags. After quickly wiping off the moisture, I tucked it into the inner pocket of the jacket I would wear today.

That alone had already wasted several minutes, so I showered with faster movements than usual. When I finished wiping off the water and came out, through the slightly open door of the dressing room I caught sight of Choi Junghan. With wet hair, he was buttoning his shirt.

I reflexively tried to look away. But my sliding gaze suddenly caught on him.

The word “last” is originally like that. When you attach “anyway it’s the last time, so what” to it, even a heart that has become numb and hardened to everything melts softly at the edges. No matter what, it was surprising that it applied even to this person.

There are several characteristics of his that I learned while living with Choi Junghan. For example, even at home he does not walk around carelessly undressed. He always wears training clothes or proper indoor wear. He becomes naked only when showering or when having sex with me.

After showering, he applies lotion to his cleanly washed face. One might think he carefully maintains his good skin, but surprisingly Choi Junghan had little interest in such things. After showering or washing his face, he simply applies one product that combines skin toner and lotion, and that is it.

His profile as he looks in the mirror is fastidiously straight and aligned. The prominent back muscles visible through the thin shirt show no sign of becoming shabby or fading, even though he has poured his entire daily life into caring for me. His elegant yet arrogant appearance remains fully intact.

Even when drying his hair, he roughly tousles it dry, yet his hand movements when styling are extremely skilled. At such times, the eyes staring into the mirror also become cool and sharp. I now know that when Choi Junghan momentarily concentrates, he makes that expression.