LLU 48

Come to think of it, I had said the same thing to my mother yesterday. That fact felt distant, almost like a dream. The heavy truth I had been groaning under and carrying alone for months—I was spilling it out here and there in just one night. It felt so futile that it was almost funny.

“And, I…”

I slowly stuck out my tongue and licked my stinging lips. Thump, thump, thump. My heart began pounding so hard it felt like it was sinking. I raised both hands and covered my heated face. Slowly rubbing my face, I dragged out the voice that kept trying to crawl back in.

“…No matter what I say, don’t do anything.”

“What?”

“No matter how angry you get, don’t… take any action. Promise me that first. Then I’ll tell you.”

“What is it. What the hell…”

“Hurry.”

At my near-forced words, Kim Junwoo nodded even though his expression clearly showed reluctance. “Huu—” He let out a long hot breath and pulled out the words as calmly as he could. Just like I had done with my mother yesterday.

“That house… I told you there was an older brother, right.”

“Yeah.”

“I was raped.”

“…….”

“That person took my phone and kept me locked up. That’s why I took a leave from school. …That’s why I couldn’t contact you all this time.”

Finishing the words with my head deeply bowed, I covered my face with one hand. I didn’t have the courage to look at his face.

An eternity-like silence passed.

“…Pioon.”

After a long while, the voice he let out trembled so wretchedly.

“I… must have heard wrong, …tell me that’s it.”

I couldn’t give any answer.

How much time passed. Suddenly a beast-like suppressed groan reached my ears. Startled, I lifted my face and saw his flushed red face. His miserably contorted expression and tightly clenched fist were visibly shaking.

“Get up.”

At his commanding tone I just stared at him blankly. Kim Junwoo had already stood up and was putting on the outerwear he had taken off.

“Let’s go report it—get up!”

I slowly shook my head.

“Sit down. Junwoo-ya.”

“Fuck, after hearing this, you expect me to just sit side by side with you…!”

Unable to contain his rage, Kim Junwoo’s face turned red and blue as he slammed, bang, his fist against the wall. Muttering with my head deeply bowed to the one who roughly spat out curses, I said,

“…You promised earlier.”

“Right now that fucking promise is the problem!”

“Please… just once… think about why I made you promise that.”

I slowly stood up. Grabbing the arm of Kim Junwoo, who was already fully dressed and standing rigid, I sat him back down. He looked at me with an expression of incomprehension.

“Why? Why aren’t you reporting it. After going through something like that, you’re just going to stay like this?!”

“…Because it’s useless.”

“How do you know if you haven’t even tried!”

I let out a sigh without answering. Kim Junwoo and I stood facing each other in silence for a long while, as if confronting one another. Perhaps he read the utter despair and helplessness filling my eyes. Cursing under his breath, Kim Junwoo roughly raked his hand through his hair.

At his demand to tell him in more detail, I briefly laid out everything that had happened so far. I didn’t go into specifics about the level or kind of abuse I had suffered. I spoke mainly centered on the situation my mother and I were in. By the time I finished, I felt weighed down and out of breath.

Kim Junwoo’s tightly clenched fist trembled the entire time he listened. His face flushed red in an instant, and he occasionally spat out curses. Though he kept twitching as if he might jump up and storm out at any second, after hearing about my mother still in the mansion and the newborn baby, he could no longer insist on going to report it.

“…Tomorrow after you leave… I’ll start moving too. I can’t stay here forever.”

“How long… do you have to live like this.”

His voice shook violently. I gave a powerless smile.

“Who knows. Until that bastard gets tired of me?”

“Fuck… that piece of shit.”

In an agitated state, Kim Junwoo poured soju straight into his mouth. The one who had nagged me earlier to eat sides with it was now drinking soju straight by himself. With a sharp clack he slammed the glass down and growled, unable to hold back his anger.

“Your mom too. How could she do that to you? You’re her child, aren’t you? How could she think only of the baby and leave behind the child she raised her whole life…!”

“…Yeah.”

It was the betrayal I had felt so keenly yet couldn’t put into words. Hearing it from a third party like Kim Junwoo made a corner of my heart slowly crumble.

My gaze turned outside the window again. I smiled weakly.

“How… how did things end up like this. Junwoo-ya.”

“…….”

“What did I do wrong… for my life to turn out this way.”

With all my defenses completely melted away, the truth flowed out on its own. Had I ever said something like this to Kim Junwoo before in my life? As far as I remembered, hardly ever.

Because we understood each other’s circumstances too well, that level of hardship was simply too natural for us. Both Kim Junwoo and I had hidden those feelings from each other. We didn’t want to act spoiled for no reason.

“Fuck, what did you do wrong—you didn’t do anything wrong. You just stepped in some massive shit. Don’t say crap like that.”

Even though his words were rough, the rims of his eyes had turned red. His hand gripping the glass trembled visibly from how furious he was, yet he honored my request not to make a scene. Even though he must have wanted to flip everything over, he suppressed his impulses and put my feelings first. That touched me so deeply.

“Let’s finish eating.”

“…You… after hearing something like this, how can food even go down your throat?”

“Come on. This is the first time I’m treating you to expensive food… it’d be a waste to leave any. Eat it all. Okay?”

After sitting silently for a long while, at my repeated urging he reluctantly picked up the chopsticks he had set down. Who was I supposed to eat for if not him. I said it jokingly, but he didn’t laugh.

Unlike me forcing down the food, he barely touched his chopsticks before finally setting them down and just chugging soju one after another. But I steadily and slowly finished the remaining food. Because I didn’t want to let the resolve I had hardened since escaping from him waver.

After staggering out of the restaurant, we stood for a moment on the sandy beach. We took in together the dazzlingly sparkling waves reflecting the afternoon sunlight. Just as Kim Junwoo said, the weather alone was fucking nice.

“So we finally came to the sea. We were supposed to come during summer break, right.”

“…Yeah.”

The sound of seagulls scattering overhead. The thick salty wind whooshed past us. Unlike Kim Junwoo’s short hair, my longer strands fluttered wildly. The sea breeze made it hard to keep my eyes open, so I frowned and swept my hair back as best I could.

A warm hand touched my forehead. He brushed my hair back for me. He shielded my eyes from the wind with his palm.

And in the next moment my vision went completely black. I flinched in surprise. Because the hand touching me wasn’t cold or chilling. Because the thought flashed that this was someone else’s hand on my body—not the man who had monopolized and shaken me—and it felt momentarily unfamiliar.

“…Kim Junwoo.”

My slightly startled voice was carried away by the sea breeze.

“Just a second.”

“…Yeah?”

“Just stay like this for a second and listen to me.”

“…….”

“The words I couldn’t say last time… I want to say them today.”

His usually rough voice was more serious than ever. I held my breath blankly. With my vision blocked by his hand, I could only listen to Kim Junwoo’s words.

No way.

Chaotic emotions swirled wildly in my chest. The thing I had hoped would never happen was about to happen. Even as I felt his presence with my whole body, I couldn’t do anything. My mind had gone completely blank, turned to white paper.

Yet Kim Junwoo’s words continued like a verdict.

“I want to protect you. I want to… stop you from ever going through something like that again.”

His desperate voice melted warmly inside the heat of his palm.

“…I like you. Oon-ah.”

Thump—with a huge sound, my heart sank to the bottom.

The name of the friend I had spent countless years with—years too long to count—was swept away by the sea breeze and fluttered off. I let it go blankly, unable to catch it.

“For a really… long time, I’ve liked you.”

“…….”

“You… might have already noticed.”

He finished the confession without ever taking his hand from my eyes.

If it had been the old me, I would have brushed his hand away, looked him straight in the eye, and told him clearly in a firm voice. That we could never be more than friends. No matter what label he put on it, to me he was my most precious friend, and our relationship could never change going forward.

But.

“…Kim… Junwoo.”

Cowardly, I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to brighten the vision he was blocking for me. I was terrified of the truth that would appear the moment I opened my eyes, of the clear world I would see. Terrified that the last remaining ally in the world would leave me if his confession was rejected—that fear was maddening.

“I… don’t know. I…”

Still with my eyes covered, I barely managed to open my mouth like that.

Something hot brushed lightly against my lips. A dream? For a split second it felt so unreal. I was drunk, and filled with sadness and despair I hadn’t fully shown him.

But the moment the warmth pushed a little deeper inside my lips, an utterly clear realization gripped me with a shudder. A sensation I could no longer mistake or deny.

Kim Junwoo was… right now, to me…

“…W-Wait. Kim Junwoo.”

“Sorry.”

Through the brief space where our lips parted, a low, cracked voice whispered. Contrary to the apology, this time he didn’t pull away from me.

A small wet sound was made. As if it were some kind of signal, the kiss deepened a little more. Something damp and slick carefully slipped between my lips, which had opened defenselessly from the shock. His tongue—hot like his lips.

The hand that had covered my eyes slid down. The pitch-black vision suddenly brightened, and I faintly frowned. The fallen warmth touched my face again. His touch slowly moved to my cheek, my jaw, the nape of my neck—careful.

Kim Junwoo’s body heat, breath, scent enveloped me chaotically. Even though we had spent nearly our whole lives together, these things of his overlapping so closely were a first, so unfamiliar it stole my breath.

Reflexively I raised my hand and pressed firmly against his solid shoulder, pushing him away. I could see the reddened rims of his eyes.

“…Stop, just a moment.”

“…….”

“Give me… some time to think too.”

In the end those were the only words that came out of my mouth. All I could do was call his name in a voice that was almost completely gone. The desire not to be abandoned by the last remaining ally I had was that desperate, that filthy.