LLU 25

Eventually, Kim Junwoo slowly pulled away from me. He had a heart-wrenchingly sad look in his eyes.

“…Please act like this never happened.”

His dry voice landed heavily on my chest.

“I won’t say what I was going to, I’ll endure it like I’ve been doing until now… so please… act like it never happened.”

“……”

“…I’m sorry for being selfish.”

I don’t know the full extent of the immense emotion compressed behind his restrained voice. And as I had done until now, my job was to pretend I didn’t know. There was nothing else I could do for Kim Junwoo.

“Don’t worry.”

I told him in a small voice, but clearly, looking him in the eyes.

“Kim Junwoo. …You’re a really precious person to me.”

“……”

This time, Kim Junwoo was silent. From a step away, he just looked at me like that for a long while. I averted my gaze from the passion overflowing in his eyes and quietly looked down again. In the cold air, a trembling breath quivered faintly.

“Fucking…, cruel bastard.”

Kim Junwoo blurted out. Unlike the harsh word, his tone sounded utterly lost. I knew well that the words he spat out in a trembling voice were not meant to blame me. I felt so sorry for the kid, who couldn’t handle his own overflowing heart, that I just silently hung my head.

“…Me too.”

“……”

“You’re so precious to me… that’s why I can’t say it.”

Kim Junwoo finally mumbled. Another silence. The winter air, which turned cold the moment a breath was exhaled, could not, however, freeze his gaze as he looked at me.

I finally lifted my head, which had been hanging down. I felt it would be proper etiquette to face him and speak clearly, even if it was uncomfortable and difficult.

“I know. Thank you.”

“……”

“…I’ll go in alone today. Thank you so much for coming. …I mean it.”

Kim Junwoo nodded, his face stained with complicated feelings.

“Okay. …I’m sorry.”

“No. Don’t apologize.”

I wasn’t angry or flustered. That he had let his overflowing emotions show. That he had, for a brief moment, shaken our relationship, which was so precious to me that I was afraid of losing it.

If anything, I was grateful. Because he had once again shut his mouth and hidden his feelings, not wanting to lose his relationship with me. Therefore, he had no need to apologize to me.

Seeing me shake my head, Kim Junwoo managed to pull up the corners of his lips with effort.

“Well then, go in and rest.”

“You go first.”

“No. I’ll watch you go in before I leave.”

I had a strong craving for a cigarette, but I couldn’t just stand there and smoke while Kim Junwoo waited. In the end, I nodded and grabbed the gate handle. His gaze clung tenaciously to the back of my head, but I deliberately did not hesitate. Without looking back, I went straight inside.

I stared blankly at the messy scene inside the room, then took off my outerwear with a sigh. In the bag Kim Junwoo had placed in my hand before I went in, there were plenty of the sweets we had bought together earlier.

I had come in so distractedly that I hadn’t even given him one of the ice creams. I thought I should have given him one to eat on his way, but the belated regret was useless.

Just a moment ago, I had been craving sweets, but now I had no appetite for them at all. I put the snacks into the freezer and refrigerator respectively. I cleared the table with the finished chicken boxes and alcohol glasses, and did the dishes.

The effects of the alcohol that had gripped my body had already evaporated. All that was left was the unpleasant smell of liquor. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and took a shower. By the time I dried my hair and lay down, it was already almost midnight.

I pulled the blanket up to my neck and blinked my eyelids slowly. The darkness I faced alone was already familiar. For some reason, that felt sad.

I just want to sleep without a single thought. But even when I relaxed my whole body and took deep breaths, sleepiness showed no signs of settling in.

Suddenly, a spot on my forehead felt hot. Without realizing, I raised my fingers and traced the place where his lips had lingered for a moment.

The clumsy, straightforward gesture, the earnest gaze that held not a shred of falsehood. And, his feelings, which I could never accept.

How long can we continue this relationship?

If I never accept your feelings, will you get tired and leave me someday?

If even you leave me, then, I…

My eyelids grew hot. Breaths tinged with sorrow came out in broken fragments, soaking the blanket.

…It seems it will be difficult to fall asleep today.

Two full days had passed since Kim Junwoo left like that. Just as he had asked me to act like it never happened, he contacted me as if nothing was wrong, and I treated him the same way.

But I was still careful about seeing him in person, so we only exchanged texts and phone calls from time to time. During that time, I just stayed cooped up at home, doing nothing.

This time, I realized anew. Kim Junwoo was the most precious person to me. Even if he had blurted out a confession he couldn’t hide, I wouldn’t have been able to completely sever ties with him. I had neither the option to accept his feelings nor the option to push him away out of discomfort.

It might be a selfish attitude, but unless he gets tired of me not accepting his feelings and leaves first, I can’t push him away. I can only earnestly hope that Kim Junwoo, who must be bottling up his feelings all by himself, is not having too hard a time.

It would be a lie to say that my mind wasn’t in turmoil either. Even apart from the issue with Kim Junwoo, sorrow and loneliness had been tormenting me for weeks. In particular, the memory of Choi Junghan, that heavy and terrifying shadow, showed no signs of fading from my mind, separate from the healing wounds on my body.

After struggling with a sense of powerlessness, I finally got up. It was from the thought that I had to do something to move my body. My face was still a mess, but if I stayed like this, I felt like I would die from depression.

It was a warm day for a change. The news said the temperature was almost like spring. So I wore a baseball jumper instead of a thick padded jacket. I put on my sneakers and tied the laces tightly. When I came outside, it really wasn’t cold at all. Even though the sun had almost set.

Since I had slept all day, I planned to go for a walk for the first time in a while. After my exercise, I would go to the mart and do some simple grocery shopping. Making that plan gave me a very slight, but still present, sense of motivation.

Walking in the park for the first time in a while, I broke into a light sweat and became short of breath. I deliberately took large strides and walked quickly. I hoped that by doing so, the worries that were cluttering my mind would be cleared out, even just a little. I wanted to be a little lighter from the things that were weighing me down.

The sickness of the heart that I had suffered from for over ten days was showing signs of improvement, however slight. Unlike at the time when it felt like the world was collapsing, I was able to look at my situation with a slightly more cool-headed and calm perspective.

Now I know. That even if a small existence like me goes through something like that, the world goes on indifferently, without a hitch. If I just sit down and do nothing, I will only be buried in the rapid flow of the world, which is like a torrent.

It’s all over now, anyway. Fortunately, there was no more contact from Choi Junghan, and he showed no signs of making any additional contact.

Well, there was no reason for him to keep paying attention to me. That son of a bitch just needed something to play with that night. Choi Junghan acted as he pleased that day, to his heart’s content. He had done everything he wanted to do and played with everything he wanted to play with, so it was only natural that his interest had waned.

So, if I just cooped myself up in a corner of my room and kept ruminating on the terrible memories, I would be the only one at a loss. It wouldn’t be easy, but I had to just treat it as if I had stepped on something and forget about it.

The semester will be starting soon, anyway. Even if I feel sick and like I’m dying now, as I adapt to a new life and bury myself in my studies, one day I will suddenly feel that I’m okay. The scar will gradually fade, to the point where I can bitterly reflect, ‘Something like that happened, didn’t it?’ Of course, it will take a very long time.

Everything will be okay from now on. I had to believe that. That way, I felt I could at least breathe and live with this suffocating heart.

After circling the large park a couple of times, two hours had already passed. I was exhausted, and a moderate hunger set in. I went to the mart, did some simple grocery shopping, and headed home. It was already almost ten o’clock.

By the way, what is this smell that I’ve been smelling for a while now?

As I quickened my steps, a thick and acrid smell came from somewhere. The pungent smell made my nose wrinkle on its own.

There was an incinerator near my neighborhood, not too far away, so I was used to the smell of something burning, but it was particularly strong today. I quickened my steps indifferently and, upon entering the alley, I suddenly came to a dead stop.

Thud, the heavy plastic bag I was holding fell to the ground.

My wide-open eyes blankly took in the scene unfolding in front of me. My feet wouldn’t move, as if they were stuck in molten wax. No, I couldn’t even lift a finger, let alone move my feet.

The acrid smell that had been plaguing my head the whole time I was walking through the neighborhood instantly rushed at me like a snake and coiled around my body. The flickering red flames were blankly captured in my pupils. They dance and dance, mocking and mocking my foolish efforts to try and live a good life somehow.

Fire.

The fire demon, with its red maw wide open, was greedily swallowing our apartment.

“Mr. Kim Cheolhyung, just keeping your mouth shut isn’t going to solve anything.”

The sound of repeated sighs. Thwack, the sound of a file being put down nervously. The occasional shouts exchanged and the noise of people bustling in and out of the police station. A scene I had never imagined would invade my actual life, not in the news or a movie.

I sat there blankly. With Chairman Choi at my side.

My mind, which had completely deserted me, had not yet returned. My eyes were still seeing the fire demon that was blazing and swallowing the entire apartment. The suffocating smell of smoke was still gripping my body, and my feet were stuck in front of my burning apartment. As if caught in a trap.

“Now, let’s make this easy for both of us. If you answer quickly, it’ll be over quickly. I’m asking you why you set the fire.”

“I, I don’t know anything about it. It really wasn’t me…!”

The man sitting in front of the desk trembled helplessly. He sobbed and repeated that it wasn’t him several times. But unfortunately, there was a great disconnect between his appearance and the words he used to defend himself.

His bloodshot eyes full of broken capillaries, the smell of alcohol wafting from his body, his shabby appearance, and his unkempt hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed in who knows how long. It was very different from my vague memory of his past self. Above all, the black knife that came out of his possession was enough to instill conviction in the police.

“Hey.”

The police officer let out another sigh, for the umpteenth time. His gaze was sharp as he glared at the man cowering in front of him.

The police officer also asked me if I knew the man. I had no choice but to nod at his question. Because Kim Cheolhyung was a man my mother had dated a few years ago.

He was the most persistent of my mother’s past lovers. Even after the breakup, he couldn’t accept the end and bothered my mother for a few months. During that time, I used to go to the bus stop to meet my mother on her way home for a while.

But fortunately, the obsessive attention directed at my mother gradually subsided, and my mother’s and my vigilance loosened accordingly. After that, there was no news of Kim Cheolhyung for several years. So, it was perhaps natural that I didn’t immediately think of him when I sensed something suspicious in front of the apartment.

The police officer continued the investigation with annoyance.

“There’s too much evidence to count. Mr. Kim Cheolhyung, you were periodically lurking around that house, weren’t you? You even ran into the student from this house at one point.”

“…Tha, that’s…!”

“Crucially, how are you going to deny the oil on your body? It’s not like you have another alibi, and you were near the scene too, Mr. Kim Cheolhyung, weren’t you?”

“The fire, the fire really wasn’t my doing. I really, really, didn’t intend to… set a fire. I, I, I just…”

He showed extreme anxiety. I don’t know if it was an act or if it was genuine, but for someone who carried such a long and sharp knife, he seemed quite timid.

“If you didn’t intend to set a fire, then what about that knife?”

“……”

“You were waiting for Ms. Pi Jeongin and hiding, weren’t you?”

“……”

The man couldn’t continue his words at the police officer’s cold tone. A heavy groan came from Chairman Choi, who was standing next to me. He glared at the shabby man cowering before him with a consistently hardened expression.