JKA 9

Didn’t they say a person’s heart is their own, so there is nothing to be done? That is why he had said he could not do things like making someone fall in love. He had hammered the point home, saying it was something that could not be done even if you called upon God, so what wish could Jiwoon possibly make now?

“Ah fuck, you’re thinking way too long. Just say what comes to mind!”

“Uh, um… there’s nothing I particularly want. Just, hah…”

“Just what? Say it.”

“…”

“This bastard is clamming up again. I told you to fix your habit of shutting your mouth and protesting when you’re in a tough spot.”

When 1129 started to push him aggressively, Jiwoon shut his mouth and could not say anything. It was not that he was not saying anything; he really could not. When he was in a situation where he felt cornered like this, he really could not move his body at all. It had been like this since long, long ago.

“Hah… what should I do. The balls, that thing… first of all, since I’m an angel, I can’t make this bastard go into heat and jump on you like crazy, you see? So let’s do this.”

1129 narrowed his brow as he looked at the frozen Jiwoon. Once he became like that, he would absolutely not open his mouth no matter what you did next. He even had a record of not letting out a single groan, so 1129 knew it was not just simple stubbornness.

So, with the cigarette in his mouth, he lifted Im Hanbyeol from his chair and stood him in front of Jiwoon. Then he knelt on one knee beside Hanbyeol.

“I’ll take his pants off for you, so at least look at his balls.”

“…W-what?”

In that moment, as if struck by lightning, Jiwoon’s mind went blank. ‘What the hell is this guy doing?’ was the thought that came to him. Is he serious? Does he really think that once I see Hanbyeol’s balls, my desire to die will completely disappear? Putting all that aside for a moment, 1129 had to be serious.

“You said you wanted to see them. Fuck, in all my life, I’ve done all sorts of crazy things.”

“I-I never asked you to do that!”

“Then what the fuck am I supposed to do! What, are you going to die? Huh? A person has to live first and see what happens!”

“Am I going to die if I don’t see this?”

Jiwoon was so genuinely dumbfounded that he shouted. Then, with the nerve of a thief turning on the master, 1129’s eyes took on a murderous glint and he yelled in a voice even louder than Jiwoon’s.

“You were about to die!”

“That’s not why I was trying to die!”

“Then bring yours out and rub them together a bit.”

“Can an angel order someone to do that?”

“This is just the level of your happiness. Should I read you the complaints you sent again? With your head full of sex, you whined and bitched that if you’re going to make a person live like this, you should at least let them have some passionate sex with Hanbyeol…”

“Ah, stop! Stop it!”

Jiwoon threw himself forward to cover 1129’s mouth. But he did not budge an inch. Even when he pushed with all his might to make him fall over, he was perfectly fine. Instead, he simply brushed off Jiwoon, who was pushing with all his might, as if swatting away a fly. Then he looked at Jiwoon steadily and said.

“You know how to put up a good fight. Try doing something like that. Stop muttering useless complaints to yourself.”

“…”

“I’m telling you to try anything with that spirit you use to challenge me, of all people. Who the fuck do you think finds this kind of thing fun?”

Jiwoon, who had collapsed onto the floor, clamped his mouth shut. It’s easy to talk when it’s not your problem. Besides, it was not as if he had said nothing at all in the first place. But 1129 acted as if he had said nothing.

He was seething with anger at this, but he did not have the confidence to argue. The part 1129 was talking about was limited to when he was cornered. Besides, he had no choice but to exclude moments like this. It was not entirely right, but it was not entirely wrong either.

In the end, instead of retorting to 1129, Jiwoon shot up from his spot. Whether that crazy bastard took off someone else’s pants or not, all he had to do was not look. But the moment he turned his body, 1129 instantly blocked Jiwoon’s path.

“Where are you going?”

Jiwoon silently turned his head and clenched his fists tightly. Seeing this, 1129 reached out and swept up Jiwoon’s bangs, which were covering his eyes like a curtain. At that, his eyes, which had been glaring at something with lips pressed tight, turned toward 1129.

Jiwoon glared at 1129, then squeezed his eyes shut. 1129 let out a hollow laugh at the sight. Jiwoon always submitted complaints that God was unfair. The complaints were countless, but the content was mostly the same. It was the story that the reason he lived like this was because he was born this way.

When he had briefly looked into Jiwoon’s life, he had thought that might be the case. Parents with decent jobs, a reasonably affluent family environment, but happiness was somewhat hard to find in Jiwoon’s life.

Everything from one to ten was decided by someone else, and if he did not follow, he was met with disregard and cold treatment. There was nothing he could do voluntarily, and a life of always being pushed down by someone must have been suffocating and hopeless. But on the day he first met Jiwoon, 1129 did not show it, but honestly, he was a little dumbfounded.

Unfair, right. 1129 always thought so too. God did have a tendency to be somewhat unfair. He never gave you what you wanted, but he would saddle you with plenty of things you did not need. That was how He gave everyone abundance and lack together. Saying that was what was fair.

“Myeong Jiwoon, you think I’m talking crazy, don’t you?”

Jiwoon did not answer 1129’s question. He just bit his lower lip, over and over.

“Do you even know what your face looks like right now?”

At 1129’s words, which suddenly started to nitpick his appearance, Jiwoon opened his eyes and stared at him. Then, a look of incomprehension was directed at him. Jiwoon met 1129’s gaze with the exact same look. He was the one who could not understand. He could not grasp the intent behind those words.

“Just try doing what I say once. Have you ever once done what I told you to do properly?”

“…”

“Just listen. Do what I say just once and…”

‘Just do as you’re told. Am I doing this for your own good, or for your downfall? What on earth is the problem? What are you lacking right now? Other people are clamoring because they can’t be given this.’

For a moment, Jiwoon saw his parents’ faces superimposed over 1129’s, and he stepped back without realizing it. Everything from one to ten is for you, so all you have to do is shut up and do as you’re told. This was a phrase Jiwoon’s parents always had on their lips.

He supposed so. Jiwoon was the only child left, so they certainly would not have done things wishing for him to go wrong. Everything must have stemmed from love. Being stuck in cram school for half the day, rating the friends he hung out with, inspecting his cell phone and rummaging through his room—none of it was done out of hatred for Jiwoon. Jiwoon knew that too.

But that was why it was agonizing. If so, then what should he do with this feeling he had now? Sometimes, when the unbearable hatred he felt for them washed over him like a tidal wave of guilt, he just could not stand it.

It was not as if he had never said he was suffering. He said it was painful to be gradually ostracized at school, and that it was lonely to have no friends. He also said he hated going around to cram schools until late at night, and that it was painful to have them go over his report card one by one.

But every time, Jiwoon felt like he was facing a wall. What are the grades of the friends you play with, nothing good will come of hanging out with kids like that. Haven’t we lived through this once before, it’s a relationship that leaves nothing behind. Your mom and dad are teachers, do you think we only see one or two kids like you…

Jiwoon fell silent every time. He did not want to say anything. His parents’ expectations were far too high. It was only natural. Because they were constantly comparing him to someone he could never reach no matter how hard he tried. The two of them were always looking not at Jiwoon, but at someone who was no longer in this world, through Jiwoon.

This was the result. He became unable to speak even when he needed to. He became unable to, even when there was someone who would listen. It was because he could not bring himself to say, ‘Please don’t compare me to my dead hyung.’

So he felt like a useless human being. He complained a bit, asking why he was born this way, why they had given birth to him, and the angel they sent to help him was this mess. This was practically fanning the flames, telling him to just die. And then they tell him not to die, not to even think about dying. For a moment, Jiwoon was seized by a strong impulse.

“…You!”

Noticing this, 1129’s face contorted. But Jiwoon was one step faster. Without any hesitation, he ran toward the glass window that 1129 had broken through. The shattered glass was suspended motionless in the air as if time had stopped, scattered about.

As he cut through it, a sharp edge grazed his cheek. But Jiwoon ran with his eyes squeezed shut. Fuck, I’m really going to die. No matter how much I pray, the only one who listens is that crazy angel, so if I want to meet Him, whom I can’t meet while alive, this is the only way.

“You psycho bastard, do you think you can escape so easily?”

1129, with a dumbfounded look on his face, snatched Jiwoon by the scruff of his neck. At that, the T-shirt he was wearing was caught, and Jiwoon’s running body was yanked back—thwack. His opponent was not human. So there was no way he could get away by running and fleeing.

But at that moment, Jiwoon ducked his head and threw his arms up. At that, the loose T-shirt was instantly pulled off. Just as Jiwoon was about to jump out of the wide-open window, his body froze like a statue.

“Fuck, this crazy bastard…”