JKA 5

“No, uh. No. That’s not it.”

Jiwoon did not even realize he had unintentionally used formal speech. He shuffled after Hanbyeol as fast as he could, creaking and groaning like a robot. It was around lunchtime, so he needed to eat, but first, he felt he had to go to the bathroom and change into the underwear the crazy bastard had given him.

Head bowed low, he left the lecture hall like that, but Hanbyeol suddenly stopped and stood facing Jiwoon, saying.

“Why the sudden formality? It’s upsetting.”

“…Huh, what?”

“Don’t tell me you’re still bothered by what happened that day.”

At Hanbyeol’s question, Jiwoon could not answer and just lowered his head deeply. Jiwoon’s face, which was already hard to see, was now completely hidden by his shaggy hair.

“What’s the big deal about throwing up on someone’s clothes? You apologized and even gave me money for laundry. Even though I said you didn’t have to.”

Jiwoon squeezed his eyes shut. Right, this was the incident that was the biggest reason for Jiwoon’s growing depression. At the end-of-semester party last winter, he had gotten ridiculously drunk and thrown up on Hanbyeol’s pants.

“It’s not like you did it on purpose, so what does it matter. There are hardly any classmates left as it is, with so many on leave and several who’ve enlisted. Let’s hang out like we did last year.”

“…”

“It’s a little weird to eat lunch alone, you know.”

At Hanbyeol’s gentle voice, Jiwoon felt like he was about to cry. He figured that Hanbyeol waking him up with the flashlight earlier was meant as a sort of prank, but he had reacted horribly, which only made him feel uncomfortable again.

“…Uh, th-thank you. You’re really nice. S-sure.”

Jiwoon managed to squeeze out a thank you. But his heart was not at ease. Hanbyeol said what happened that day was no big deal, but for Jiwoon, it was completely different. It was only natural. Im Hanbyeol was the person Myeong Jiwoon had a crush on. How could he be okay after spewing vomit on the pants of the person he liked?

‘Ah, I want to die again.’

Jiwoon muttered inwardly at the touch of Hanbyeol’s hand, which was patting him reassuringly.

‘It would have been a relief if I had only thrown up.’

Jiwoon, who ended up going to eat at the student cafeteria, led by Hanbyeol in a daze, squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. Hanbyeol was casually rambling on about something next to Jiwoon, but honestly, none of it registered.

It was so surreal that he wondered if walking side by side was a dream. He had hoped Hanbyeol would enlist or something so they would not have to run into each other this semester. He had thought countless times that even though they were not dating, it would be easier if one of them went to the military.

Of course, after all the stupid things he had done to Hanbyeol, he could not very well say, ‘It’ll be awkward if we run into each other, so you should enlist,’ so he had tried to enlist himself. But when it came down to it, the future seemed bleak. He just did not have the courage to live while bumping up against dozens of strangers.

Jiwoon, not really listening to what Hanbyeol was saying, just nodded or shook his head appropriately, then picked a random menu item and paid. He took his food and sat down across from Hanbyeol.

Then, not knowing whether the food was going into his nose or his mouth, he just kept sneaking glances at Hanbyeol. Why, after having no contact since that day, would he suddenly decide to talk to him? He had the thought, even though he was the one who had not contacted him either.

Jiwoon’s thought was that while you could not divide people as cleanly as you could slice a radish, you could still do it to some extent. From that perspective, he thought that he and Hanbyeol were at completely opposite poles. Light and dark, an insider and an outsider. It was as if there would be no sense of incongruity if they were divided that way. That was why Jiwoon thought of Hanbyeol as a special person.

Wasn’t Im Hanbyeol a being that someone had created with extreme care? He did not look like something just thrown together to look human, but like he had been meticulously sculpted and polished with a truly perfect ideal in mind. A product of a kind of divine favoritism, who had received nothing but love. He was the perfect figure to evoke the jealousy of many.

So at first, Jiwoon was envious of Hanbyeol. To be frank, unlike himself, who was forcing himself to sit among others just to escape from home, he could not help but admire Hanbyeol, who had achieved everything through his own will and effort. The desire to be like that must have been strong.

But that was not an easy thing to do. Blending in with people was always a strain, and while he wanted others’ attention, he hated drawing their notice. He was the kind of person who wanted to look cool but did not know exactly what actions looked cool, so getting close to Hanbyeol, who did it as naturally as breathing, was a distant prospect.

However, for some reason, he did not feel a sense of inferiority toward Hanbyeol. He sometimes harbored such feelings toward others, but strangely, he never felt that way about Hanbyeol. That was because Hanbyeol did not show off and never treated others poorly. He was always kind even to him, who did not get along well with others.

He especially liked that it was not a show-off kind of consideration bestowed upon an outcast classmate. The feelings that he had thought of as envy and admiration gradually began to change their form. He liked Hanbyeol’s kindness. He especially liked how he treated him as a friend and sat in the seat next to his in the lecture hall as if it were a matter of course.

His feelings began to sprout little by little like that, and eventually, he even began to wish they could be more than friends. But that was only a wish, a feeling he could not reveal to Hanbyeol. All he did was occasionally make the wicked wish that a person as kind and good as Hanbyeol would not get a girlfriend.

His first friend in college. The days continued where they would sit side by side in the same class and eat lunch together after choosing a suitable menu. He did not think about wanting to die much during that time. He even felt as if he were being compensated for his past life. This was even more so because his school days had not been that pleasant.

Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, he had so few friends he could count them on one hand. He had not a single friend, especially in elementary and middle school. That was because he had only studied, repeating a cycle of school and cram school. It was not like his grades were as good as his parents expected either, so the atmosphere at home was not great.

After he entered high school, the atmosphere became even more grim, because Jiwoon’s grades, which had been among the top in the school, hit rock bottom. It was not because he did not study; it was more accurate to say there was just some insurmountable wall.

It was because he had enrolled in a school that was called a so-called prestigious school in the area where he lived. The expectations placed on Jiwoon, who had become an only child, were so great that his parents’ disappointment was just as great. This was even more so because both of them were teachers. In the end, Jiwoon became more and more withdrawn, eventually refusing to go to school. It was after his mom and dad had a marital fight over Jiwoon’s report card, arguing about whether to get a divorce.

He locked his door and did not take a single step out. His parents, who at first got angry and yelled at him to do as he pleased, eventually knelt in front of his door and begged him to just please go to school as the days dragged on. That, in turn, made him upset and filled with self-loathing, and when he finally came out of his room, he could no longer make eye contact with others.

It was because he was afraid of what their expressions would be if he were to lift his head and meet his parents’ eyes now. It was the same after he barely managed to go back to school. He chose not to make eye contact at all because he did not know how his teachers would see him, and he did not know what the looks in his classmates’ eyes would be like.

It might have been no big deal to others. That was why it was all the more agonizing. He felt pathetic for not being able to overcome even something like this. He hated himself so much for not being able to just do well in his studies, in a home where he was not poor, nor did he lack parents. It seemed like he was just complaining about a life that someone else would have longed for.

But he had neither the courage nor the will to change himself. So he chose to run away from home. He did not even remember much about his school life. The only thing he remembered was the moment he had shouted that he would graduate high school as they wished, but that they should stay out of his life after that.

That was how he ended up in college. It was a college that fell far short of his parents’ expectations, and probably a major they had never even considered. His parents had wanted Jiwoon to become a teacher like them. The only silver lining was that Jiwoon’s parents welcomed their son going to any college at all rather than becoming a shut-in.

It was also a stroke of luck that he met Seungyoon, who was bored with school life, though in a slightly different sense than him. At the school Jiwoon attended, joining a club was mandatory, and the one Jiwoon joined was the Film Studies Club. It was called a studies club, but in reality, all they did was watch movies during club time.

At that time, Seungyoon was already doing some personal broadcasting. He did not remember how they became close, but somehow they ended up hanging out sometimes, and he became interested in video editing. Thanks to that, he had even made it to college, so Seungyoon could be considered a savior.

Hanbyeol, whom he met in his first social experience in this unfamiliar place, could well be considered the second savior in Jiwoon’s life. It was fine even if they did not become anything special. Because of him, school life was not lonely. But at the end-of-semester party, he got drunk and made a complete scene.

“Are you listening to me?”

At that, Jiwoon snapped to his senses and raised his head, only to quickly close his eyes. It was because he did not want to make eye contact with Hanbyeol. His mind was complicated and dizzy. He was curious about what on earth Hanbyeol was thinking, yet at the same time, he was not.

“No, uh… sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Worried you’d run into me?”

“It’s not exactly like that…”

At the sudden, piercing question, Jiwoon was flustered and coughed dryly. Of course, it was not that he had not worried about it at all, but that worry was not what had kept him from sleeping. He could not say it was because he had been tormented by an angel all night, so Jiwoon bit his lip slightly and did not even offer any other excuse.

“I didn’t hear from you at all during the break, so I thought maybe you’d gone to the army.”

“…Sorry. I-I should have at least apologized, but I was out of my mind.”

The part about being out of his mind was the truth. School assignments, a part-time job, and an uninvited guest who appeared out of the blue. There had not been a single peaceful day.

“Even though you openly avoided me whenever we met?”

“A-avoid you? I was busy… with my part-time job and all. And, w-well, you know I don’t really p-participate in department activities.”

Scraping at his innocent rice bowl with his spoon—scrape, scrape—Jiwoon was on pins and needles. In truth, he had been avoiding him. It was a complete bed of thorns. And his butt was actually uncomfortable. That crazy angel bastard, this was all his fault.

“And…”

“And?”

“You d-didn’t really contact me or acknowledge me either, so I thought you didn’t want to talk to me…”

Jiwoon mumbled without realizing it, then froze, feeling like he had said something tactless. For some reason, Hanbyeol was also silent, and a cold sweat began to run down Jiwoon’s back.

“I’m not trying to blame you! I’m saying I un-understand. Th-that… even I wouldn’t want to talk to me. Th-the clothes and all, but…”

Having said that much, Jiwoon shot up from his seat. Any more conversation than this seemed impossible. He was truly, truly grateful that Hanbyeol had approached him first, but his social skills had already reached their limit. He simply could not think of anything to say that would allow him to explain what happened that day appropriately and move on smoothly.