JKA 72

“One of them is you, Mr. Myeong Jiwoon. I came here to try and stop you from seeing all of it, from living with a guilt you didn’t need to have, and from ultimately trying to die.”

At those words, Jiwoon’s face, which had been expressionless as if he were dead, crumbled. For some reason, 17 couldn’t bring himself to look directly at that face. It wasn’t because he was saying something he didn’t mean. It wasn’t that, but strangely, it was hard to look into Jiwoon’s eyes. Presently, 17 recalled the expression on 1129’s face as he had cried out desperately, and he muttered without realizing it.

“I’m sorry.”

“…”

“I’m truly sorry.”

‘Th-then just s-save him. You can just save my brother, can’t you? Then I’ll never, ever t-try to die.’

‘…Yes, that was also under consideration. At the time of the accident, his body was completely, yes. It was so damaged that he could not be resuscitated, but if we were to turn back time itself, it was something that could have been attempted.’

‘…S-so?’

‘He refused. Mr. Myeong Seonwoo did.’

‘…’

‘The demon who caused the accident was annihilated, but since the contract was established, his soul fell to hell. After that, his soul was also annihilated. We tried our best to persuade him, but he was adamant.’

17 said that Myeong Seonwoo had refused many chances to be revived. He said that until the very moment he was headed for hell, there had been numerous attempts at persuasion and appeasement, but he had not listened to a single one. To Jiwoon’s question of why he had wanted to die so badly, 17 could not answer.

He said it was because Myeong Seonwoo had never opened his mouth about the reason. Since the soul of a human who had contracted with a demon cannot enter heaven, he had headed to hell, and he had even kicked away the chance of reincarnation and chosen annihilation. 17 answered that he did not know the reason for that either.

The demon was immediately sentenced to annihilation for the crime of dragging in the innocent truck driver and Jiwoon, and he said that God had arranged for the angels to continuously watch over the driver and Jiwoon and help them in any way possible.

He added that they tried to do their best within the bounds of not greatly infringing on another human’s life, but that it hadn’t been easy. He comforted Jiwoon, saying that in the end, they had made him face the demon wearing Seonwoo’s shell, so they couldn’t even make excuses.

17 repeatedly said he was sorry. He said that originally, there had been no plan to appear before him as an angel at all. But he said he had no choice but to reveal himself because it seemed like Jiwoon would really die if left alone.

‘The last thing Mr. Myeong Seonwoo apologized for was dragging in you, Mr. Myeong Jiwoon, and that truck driver. It wasn’t what he wanted, but that’s how it turned out… I am only guessing that perhaps that is why he chose hell.’

‘…H-he really didn’t want to come back to life?’

‘Probably.’

‘…’

‘Mr. Myeong Seonwoo was simply worried about you, Mr. Myeong Jiwoon… and left a message asking for you to be taken care of. That is all I know.’

After returning home, Jiwoon lay in bed, continuously mulling over his conversation with 17. As he did, he recalled the memories with Seonwoo that he had been avoiding all this time, one by one. Perhaps because so much time had passed since his death, nothing came to mind except for the happy memories.

Because of that, Jiwoon could not understand Seonwoo’s choice at all. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out what had made him want to die so much. He had always had a smiling face, had been kind to him, and at the same time, was a person to be proud of.

In his childish heart, he had sometimes been jealous of such a brother. His parents’ attention was entirely focused on him, so Jiwoon was always a second thought. The one who always took care of him was Seonwoo. He was that kind of person. The kind of person who would secretly give him snacks from behind, who would secretly check his homework and fix the wrong parts before showing it to their mom.

He couldn’t even remember the reason now, but when he was crying sorrowfully, he was the one who would come to him first, take his hand, and lead him out of the house. He was a very big and wonderful person, the only adult in his life. To Myeong Jiwoon, Myeong Seonwoo was a hero. He was an irreplaceable person, the most precious and one-of-a-kind person in this world.

Now, even the hope that they could meet again if he died had been shattered to pieces. Of course, he knew. Even if they were to meet after death, he would not be happy. Rather, he would have been sad, asking if he died because of him.

But now, even that was nothing more than an empty delusion. He had been annihilated forever so they could not meet even after death, so he could not even meet his soul. He couldn’t even ask why he did it. Jiwoon groaned, embracing a half-truth.

Even though he was lying in bed, his whole body ached. No matter how he turned and shifted, he couldn’t get comfortable. His breath kept catching in his throat, and when he lay down, blood rushed to his face as if he were about to burst into tears. And yet, no tears came out.

The grief he couldn’t acknowledge didn’t even permit tears. And so, Jiwoon had no choice but to lie still and toss and turn, as if he were carrying stones all over his body. He was falling endlessly. The reason to die had disappeared, but his heart had completely sunk. Down, down. He was falling endlessly. It seemed as if the bottom had never existed in the first place.

*

Having become a perfectly half-formed angel, 1129 received God’s call and returned to the heavens. It cut him to the quick that he had no choice but to flee the scene before Jiwoon woke up. Though nothing existed beneath the chest leather of his fake body, it felt heavy and hot, as if a red-hot lump of iron had settled there.

The heat consumed his entire body. Jiwoon’s face shimmered like a mirage. He wished he could have said something, anything, but if Jiwoon had actually woken up and looked at him, he would have been unable to say a word and would have fled the scene as if running away.

He had cried out for him not to die, but in truth, he couldn’t even handle his own self that was changing day by day, so he couldn’t do anything. Sitting there offering cheap comfort would have been meaningless. He couldn’t grant any of the things Jiwoon truly wanted.

Just look at him now. All he could do was stumble, unable to even stand properly, before collapsing and regretting the past. All he had done was leave a pathetic threat to 17, who had asked him to leave, telling him not to do anything that would hurt him. And that was despite knowing that no matter what 17 said to Jiwoon now, he was nothing more than a forgotten being in his memory.

But 1129 thought. He knew he couldn’t make any excuses, but he thought that if he had just rambled on about something, anything, it might hurt a little less. He felt like he had asked Jiwoon many times just why he lived like this, but he was a being who didn’t have the right to do so.

If he had known loss was this immense, he would never have spoken like that. He wouldn’t have badgered him to do something about his habit of clamming up when at a disadvantage. What use are such words to someone who knows that nothing they say will make a difference?

1129, who had realized this too late, writhed. He missed Jiwoon. He should have stayed by his side, pleading that everything was his fault, that everything from one to ten was his fault, so just please don’t die.

He could no longer perform the magical things Jiwoon talked about, and he wanted to place his struggling self, for whom even being alive was a burden, by his side. He thought he might be able to live a little then. He would rather have made himself a burden to Jiwoon. If he told him that he could now understand at least a part of his pain, wouldn’t he smile?

Clinging to a vain hope, 1129 picked himself up. He went to meet God, practically dragging his legs that wouldn’t move properly. God, who resided in the highest place in the heavens, right below the sun, was looking down upon all of creation.

God looked like a giant mountain. Except for very special moments, his face was always partially hidden in the shadow of light as he looked somewhere. 1129, standing before him, looked extremely small.

Baby angels giggled and chattered, flying all around. 1129 dropped to his knees at the foot of the long flight of stairs below the altar where God sat. As he stood before God, 1129’s wings spread on their own, and at the same time, he felt a sharp pain.

God slowly turned his head and looked down at 1129. 1129 narrowed his eyes slightly against the dazzling light. No expression could be found on God’s shadowed face. It was like looking into a completely dark abyss.

“You seem to have many questions.”

“…”

“You always had many questions.”

God’s voice, cutting across the deathly quiet and peaceful space, was sacred and magnificent. As the sound, which felt comforting yet was never truly relaxing, echoed in his ears, all the pain that had been tormenting him strangely vanished.

“My child, I recall how you followed me for a long time, always asking the same question.”

Why must humans live knowing nothing, and meet death just the same? 1129 had persistently asked what meaning such a life could possibly have. God had always smiled each time and given him no answer.

“Have you found the answer to your long-held question?”

1129 did not answer God’s question. He merely hung his head. After meeting Jiwoon and living with him, he had not once harbored such a question. Therefore, he had no choice but to remain silent at the question of whether he had found an answer.

“Why do you not ask anything?”

“…Because it is meaningless.”

“Why so?”

“What use is that now? When I have become so broken.”

He was an angel, yet he loved a human, and because he loved a human, he wanted to become human. He had only realized very late that his body was breaking down like this because he wanted to become human. He didn’t even know he harbored such feelings, so how could he have found the meaning of life?

“What will happen to me now?”

If there was one thing 1129 was curious about, it was that. He had cut his own wings, and on the earth where he had been sent as punishment, he had fallen in love with a human; his end was near. Would he be annihilated forever now? Yes, maybe that would be for the best.

There was nothing he could do for Jiwoon anymore. To think he wanted to become human—why did he think that and ruin everything? How much better would it have been if he had protected his given position so that he could watch over Jiwoon until the moment he left this world, even if it meant having to leave him someday?

He couldn’t understand it at all. When had he fallen in love with Jiwoon? He didn’t know why he had been so obsessed with him, trying so hard and being so anxious. If he hadn’t, he could be by Jiwoon’s side now like 17, watching him grow.

Whatever he did from now on, no matter what it was, just watching would have been enjoyable. If Jiwoon occasionally looked up at the sky, he could have mistaken it as a greeting for him and waved a hand that wouldn’t even be seen. Perhaps that would have been the best farewell.

It was far better than his existence completely disappearing from Jiwoon’s mind. If he had remembered him from time to time, that would have been enough. Excessive greed had finally brought disaster.

“You will become you.”

He had asked what would happen to him, but God gave a strange answer. 1129 was already himself, so he couldn’t understand what that meant.

“Hell was born from my evil, and heaven was born from my good, so the children who guard those places are the remaining byproducts. Byproducts sometimes gather to form beautiful crystals, and sometimes they scatter like dust.”

“…”

“Also, they sometimes become something whose nature has never changed, and sometimes they leave me as if the time has come.”

God slowly rose from his seat. His footsteps as he descended the stairs were as light as feathers, making no sound. As God got closer to 1129, he grew smaller and smaller, until at one point he became the same size as a human. Then, at some point, he stood before the kneeling 1129.

God, with his face covered by a long cloth and his silver hair cascading down, sat down facing 1129. He placed his hand on 1129’s head with a gentle touch, as if dealing with a young child.

“Over eons of time, countless children have been born to guard the crystal repository, and they have also disappeared. The children born in that place always ask me the same question.”

“…”

“What meaning is there in living?”

At God’s words, 1129 raised his head. But he still couldn’t see his face.

“Only those who harbor such a question can guard the crystal repository. This is because those who think that life has no meaning, and that humans living and dying is simply the providence of nature, cannot know the preciousness of those crystals.”